“Naquin the Chef looks determined without being ruthless. Something heroic in his manner. There’s a courage about him. Comes across so calm. Acts like he has a dream. Full of passion. Well, you know why. Knock homers out of the box all the time. Pitches know his repertoire, big fly. Yeah, straight up, Naquin mess your whole team up. It’s for real though, ball connect with stick, ditto. We could trade places, ball lifted run around the bases. Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces.” I almost didn’t write the title of the Naquin the Chef song, Infatuated Redfaces, but then I was like, “There’s a team named Redskins and a mascot named Chief Wahoo, I think I’m all right.” Yesterday, Tyler Naquin kept it going with the insane run he’s been on — 3-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). He now has six homers in the last ten games. That’s six homers in July to go with his six homers in June. As I said back in spring training when I saw Naquin play, he had a nice stroke against righties, but looked kinda gnarly vs. lefties. Looks like a 17/17 player that needs to platoon. Right now, his power’s way above that, but will likely come down to earth at some point. Of course, I’d still own him now. Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .249. On our Player Rater, he’s top 35 overall. Ya know, about as valuable on the season as Bryce Harper. Oh, and for all you people who think the earth is still flat, our Player Rater is the best in the business.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .255, as he continues to hit leadoff. The Indians are winning in spite of Francona. In fact (Grey’s got more!), I’m sure Bill James has figured this out already, but how many wins does a manager really affect? Like Francona’s winning without Carrasco, Salazar and Kluber. Yeah, a’ight.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .285. Has been on fire since the break. Multiple hits in four of his last five games, with two homers and two steals. Guess I should’ve put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half. Oh, well, I still have a mustache as handsome as Ron Dressler.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Guess how many wins he has. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *taps finger, clicks on TV, watches DVR recording of The Barefoot Contessa* He only has seven wins! Wins = stupid. Stupid = loses at bar trivia. Hmm, interesting math.
Ian Kennedy – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.28. Fitting that Cleveland destroyed Kennedy. No Kennedy should be anywhere near a Cleveland right now with it swamped by Republicans.
Koji Uehara – Hit the DL with a pectoral strain. Fun fact! A pastoral strain is when you put plastic animals on the lawn in an urban setting. Brad Ziegler will take over the Sawx closer job. Heil Ziegler! Which is something no one should ever say.
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 9th, 10th and 11th homers. Oh, boy, could be the start of one of those Hanley streaks where he carries a fantasy team for a month. Or at least one night. Last night.
Sandy Leon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .435. That’s in 23 games, so, uh, yeah, you can grab him at this point. Of course, his Billy Hamilton-on-a-case-of-Red-Bull BABIP might come down a little.
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week. For what it’s Werth, I grabbed Holt for the short schedule day today.
Matt Cain – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. Looks to be right back where he left off.
Jameson Taillon – Headed for concussion tests. Really? But he pitched five innings after taking a 105 mile per hour Gallagher off his melon. Hunh, big surprise.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.60. This game was in Coors. Sonavabench! In hindsight, things couldn’t have been much worse, so I should’ve started him. Hindsight is stupid. I’d like to take hindsight out for dinner at a fancy restaurant, offering to pay, then duck out through the bathroom window when the check comes. I hate hindsight almost as much as I hate Archer.
Tim Beckham – 5-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Did I mention they were in Coors?
Anthony DeSclafani – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Don’t take this the wrong way, I would own him, but his peripherals scream a 3.70-4.00 ERA pitcher vs. the one he’s been so far. Yeah, that’s right, like a nice Jewish boy, I’m blowing the ‘so far.’
Tucker Barnhart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last ten games. Also, the 2nd homer in the month of July, so I would leave the door open for someone else if I owned Barnhart.
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .271. He’s now tied with Eugenio Suarez (2-for-3, 1 run, and his 7th steal) for homers. Who’s going to end with more homers? Votto? You betting a lot on that?
Adonis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I said to pick him up two days ago. Today, I’m saying, why didn’t you trust me two days ago? *breathes into hand, smells breath* Oh, I see. My bad.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, to go with his 35 RBIs. Adam Dunn, sitting at a Buffalo Wild Wings with a family pack of BBQ’d chickens in front of him, lifts his head, his ears ringing. See, Dunn’s ears ring when someone only hits solo homers.
Michael Saunders – Left the team for a personal matter. No idea the issue, but we shouldn’t be nosey, which is really hard for Jon Niese.
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA a 4.90. But the 4.90 ERA isn’t telling the whole story. Once upon a time–Okay, cutting to the meat of the story. Stroman’s in the middle of his best month of the season. He was still roughed up on July 15th (4 2/3 IP, 6 ER), but has two gems outside of that and one Quality Start. His Ks are still bleh, but I could see grabbing him for his next start and the Stream-o-Nator agrees.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. F5!
Tuffy Gosewisch – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. For those that don’t know Tuffy Gosewisch, it is a name of a trawler in Maine.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.25. *shrugs* I have no idea with Pineda. It’s appropriate his name anagrams to NP idea, which stands for No Phuckin’ Idea.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer as he returned to the lineup. Don’t worry, he’ll be injured again soon.
Prince Fielder – Hit the DL with a herniated disc in his neck. Too bad he doesn’t speak with his father, they both could discuss being washed up at 32.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .235. There’s more room for, uh, Moreland without Fielder, but Moreland seems like a platoon guy no matter what.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .319. Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
Jefry Marte – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .227. Hey-fry! That’s how I pronounce his name. Don’t believe me? You haven’t been listening to the podcast.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. Holliday’s having exactly the same season as he’s had for the last five seasons just without the crazy runs and RBIs. Seasons of 2011-14 produced seasons of 22 HRs, 27, 22 and 20. Only huge difference, his average bottomed out with his BABIP because he got old.
Ryan Schimpf – 2-for-6, and his 6th and 7th homers, with six homers this month. Hot schmotato alert! True story, I made garlic Schimpf for dinner last night. Here’s my question, why do people put parsley on everything? Is that supposed to be pretty? Cause it makes a perfectly decent dish nasty tasting. I don’t understand parsley. As for Schimpf, he looks like a 2nd baseman that grew up idolizing Bret Boone. Has some pop, and will be lucky to hit .220.
Jedd Gyorko – 4-for-7, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, 10th and 11th homers. He pulled the doubleheader Hanley! Gyorko is enjoying hitting against his former team. That’s some bully shizz right there. How ya gonna pick on the Padres? Of course, he also seems about as hot as that girl in Neighbors 2, so, yeah, I’d grab him.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You’re not seeing the forest due to the trees if you think it’s a coincidence that Flores got hot right around the trading deadline to prove his worth to the Mets.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers. “Human resources to the Rizzo!” No, Siri, it’s just HR to the Rizzo. “Sorry, Grey.”
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Continues to swing a hot bat — that’s what she said! Not really. — but now Baez is batting eighth. Reverse Baezinga!
Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.27. I believe someone asked if they should start Hendricks yesterday. Do you, Random Razzball commenter, not start guys with a 2.27 ERA often?
Clayton Kershaw – Dave Roberts said of Kershaw, “Hoping he can avoid the knife.” I’m guessing they’re not in a production of West Side Story or reenacting the Beat It video. On a serious note, it is bad news when they start talking about not having surgery for a pitcher, because the next thing that comes is he needs surgery.
Bud Norris – 5 IP, 6 ER. Don’t worry, Dodger fans, Brandon Beachy was seen lacing up his cleats–Sorry, misread the news. He was lacing up an elbow surgery.
Ben Revere – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .220. Or six homers if you count Denard’s four, too. Retire that number!
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .249. He’s about three months overdue for a fireworks show like when Bobby kisses that girl in The Brady Bunch. Hip reference!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Nat-Gio made for a beautiful pitcher yesterday, but I wouldn’t trust him safari as I could throw him.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Oakland, ERA at 3.42. An A’s/Fister meetup is usually much messier, so props to him.
Rich Hill – Doubtful for Sunday’s start. That must be one helluva blister on his hand. If he’s not careful, he’s gonna miss his next start because he’s blind.
Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. F-Her owners are more like F-this.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. There you are, Leonys. I was beginning to think you were a figment of my imagination like Meredith McIver. Leonys hasn’t done anything recently, but a two-homer game, with one homer being a walk-off jobber, goes a long way to building confidence, and baseball hitting is all about confidence and this is a really cool run-on sentence. I could see reacquiring Leonys from waivers in case this is the start of another streak.
Adam Lind – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and third homer in the last seven games. He’s basically Moreland with the Mariners, which I think is ironic.
Dan Vogelbach – Traded from the Cubs to the Mariners for Mike Montgomery (bullpen depth). Vogelbach looks like Schwarber. I mean, really looks like him. Like they could do a baseball version of Orphan Black. He’s also shown power in the minors (16 HRs in 89 games in Triple-A), but likely will do no more this year than platoon, even if called up.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third homer in last three games. *covers mouth so you can’t hear* Three games that were eighteen days apart.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, which comes a day after he homered, hitting near-.400 since the All-Star break. In this case, a hot Melky won’t put you to sleep.
Jeremy Hellickson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.84. F-Her or Hellickson? I know, it sounds bizzonkers, but that’s the kind of crazy moves you need to make to win leagues. You trade F-Her for a piece and grab Hellickson off waivers.
Tyler Goeddel – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Member in March when the smart money was on a Goeddel breakout? Smart money be broke.
Max Kepler – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Holy schmotatoes, Batman, balls are flying out as the humidity and crime rate rises. Well, more just the humidity, but this game was in Detroit.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, a day after I made fun of his home run total. Someone must’ve heard me busting more chops than Shari Lewis having a mental breakdown and trying to arrest her puppet. Not a stretch of an analogy, at all.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Eddie, are you okay? You are okay, Eddie. Eddie, are you okay? You are okay, Eddie.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.93. How does Ervin keep doing it? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! Wait, that’s the wrong go-to answer. Oh, I know, it’s magic!
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. When Kinsler got back to the dugout after his homer, Ausmus lifted Kinsler up in a chair and Hava Nagila’d around the dugout.
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Well, he’s doing better than I thought he would in the preseason. Or is he?! Damn, I almost got whiplash on that reversal question. Is he rushing or dragging? Rushing or dragging? Rushing?! Or dragging?! I projected Verlander in the preseason for a 3.68 ERA, so he’s basically doing what he now does. A solid number three. WebMD defines a solid number three as ‘one who is suffering from hypothermia that vomits frozen puke.’