Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss. Through 6 IP, Scherzer had 13 Ks and was only 77 pitches. On the Tigers broadcast, Jimmy Leyland said, “(Scherzer) looks spent.” Who’s a better judge of that than his ex-manager? If only the Nationals had Jose Valverde to come in. But then Scherzer went out in the 7th and had a 1-2-3 inning with two Ks and it was if Shannon Tweed had appeared next to Emmanuel Lewis and this erotic thriller became more elaborate, convoluted and spectacular! Then Scherzer came out in the 8th and struck out three more guys to put his total at 18 Ks. Then, came the ninth. Now, no guy has a shorter hook than Emmanuel Lewis, but no manager has a longer hook than Dusty. Scherzer could’ve been on pitch 175 and he would’ve been out there to finish it, and finish the Tigers he did. Final line: 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 20 Ks. He is still giving up homers though…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3. Was suspended one game for yelling at the ump on Monday. If the ump were his wife, he would’ve been suspended for a month.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .409. For those new to the site, I called Josh Donaldson F5 last year because I would leave my fantasy team page open in the browser with Donaldson having a bunch of hits, then the next day, I’d hit F5 to refresh and Donaldson would already have more hits the next day. It was an endless cycle of counting stats for him last year and refreshing. And, of course, across the diamond was E5. With that said, so far this year, Murphy has been F5. Every day, more hits.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. At some point in the next few weeks, he’s going to figure out he needs to be more aggressive at the plate and is going to start hitting homers all over the park. You have been warned, Buy Lowers.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 4.40. And Wei-Yin was Farrah Fawcett. This was a great sign from Chen who had looked like a shell of his former self and not a good shell, like chocolatey Magic Shell. If Chen was dropped, I’d definitely try him one more time.
Justin Bour – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and fourth homer in the last ten games. I didn’t see Bour’s homer yesterday, but I did see his homer earlier this week and when I did, I thought, “That man is locked in.” Bour or Votto? Seems obvious, but will it be?
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two more homers (10, 11). I still think he’s a sell high, but I also thought that about Cano, so sometimes, shizz happens and shizz smears and shizz is on my MeUndies and I have to change my shizz’d up MeUndies cause I goofed up. Could Trumbo have a career year? Indeed. Will he? It’s not the most probable outcome is all I’m Cust kayin’. In this game of fantasy as in the game of Life, you want to avoid the most pitfalls you can while spinning the wheel and landing on the number eight and saying, “Take that, pillow that I’ve dressed as my father because he had to work late.” So, yes, I’d still be trying to sell Trumbo, but I’d want a lot filled with nice cars.
Chris Davis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .242. There’s enough schmos in the major leagues pitching that I think Davis can hit .250 with 40+ homers. I also think if there were less schmos in the majors pitching, he would hit .190 with 32 homers. I.e., I think a good pitcher can get Davis out, but Paula Cole should be asking where all the good pitchers have gone.
Adam Jones – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Orioles are like a Newport cigarette, alive with pleasure, only this isn’t from potential cancer but alive from crappy Twins pitching.
Glen Perkins – Ready for a bullpen session. You know his replacement has been terrible, when I own Jepsen and not Perkins, and I can’t wait for Perkins to return.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He’s actually done better than I expected so far, and, ahem, interjection, he hasn’t done that well.
Todd Frazier – Jumped into the stands chasing his 11th homer and got five lips on his stitches. I don’t know, I was skim reading.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .278. I went to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater expecting to return here with an argument like, “Lawrie has been surprisingly valuable for a 2nd baseman, he’s not bad, bleh bleh bleh.” Yeah, that wasn’t the case.
Mat Latos – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.40, up from 1.84 ERA after his last two starts. The Regression Fairies love what you’ve done with the place, they enjoy Scandal fan fiction, and they will destroy your ratios.
Sam Dyson – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. While this should be the start of the Dyson era and end of the Tolleson error, it’s likely just because Tolleson had pitched on Monday and Tuesday.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal, hitting .260. He’s quietly (Has it been quiet? What’s he, a librarian? You shush yourself!) putting together a decent first six weeks.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Cruz hasn’t really hit one of those patented Cruz rampage streaks yet this year, but it could start at any time. If he’s healthy, he hits bombs.
Chris Archer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks vs. Taijuan Walker – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 2.63. Here was me during the game from innings one thru five, “Well, Archer is a total POS, but at least I have Taijuan, who is pitching a great game.” After the sixth inning, “A 4-4 tie? What do I believe in now? What do I root for? Can the world make this less confusing for me?”
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam. He’s now hitting .182. While the math is likely impossible, I don’t think Dickerson ever had one game in Coors where he had a .182 average. Yeah, he would’ve needed like 25 at-bats in a game for that to happen, but you get the drift. Don’t quibble, you quibbler. It’s not a good look.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .208. That was his 2nd hit in the last seven games. Now I know why announcers say hitters are ‘maier’d in a slump.
Noah Syndergaard – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.53, and two homers, allowed and hit. He hit two home runs! Is Bartolo that inspiring? We should see if he can inspire in other ways. Let’s put a picture of Bartolo on a bag of frozen spinach and see if kids will eat it. The advertising execs can pitch their bosses, “Colon moves product through the colon!”
Corey Seager – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Wow, some fog on the nose mirror. He’s alive. Incredible.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Ross Ohlendorf – 2/3 IP and the loss. I’m done with the Reds bullpen. So done done. So done done done! Ugh, yet I can’t get myself to drop him. I need help!
David Freese – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. It may not have been a solo homer if he wasn’t batting leadoff. Just pointing out the frickin’ obvious.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .248. He could have a 4-for-5 night and be batting .280 by Saturday, but, if I had to guess, I’d say he’s still battling his knee.
Jung Ho Kang – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Ho my God with the Ho’s!
Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Ray Searage watches Nicasio like the world watches Terrence Malick films. “I understand English, I think I’m smart, what am I not getting here?”
A.J. Reed – Hit the Triple-A DL with a pulled hammy. Due to service time, he’s not going to be that off schedule from his original mid-June call-up. Arenthal James will be running (not from the cops) soon.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. With the game going into extra innings, Fister ended up with the no decision, which is more ambiguity than a Fister usually gets.
George Springer – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer to go with four walks, but he played second fiddle to Marwin Gonzalez, who hit the walk-off homer in the 16th inning (his 3rd). Though, everyone is second fiddle to a guy who sounds like he was named by Daffy Duck. It’s Marwin season!
Danny Salazar – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 10 Ks. Yikes, six walks in five innings. That’ll give his owners a serious case of the heebee-BBs. Though, according to the Razzball glossary, that’s not being used right, but it’s my site, I’ll use my made up words how I want! WAH!
Mike Napoli – 3-for-7, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He now has three homers in the last week, while hitting near-.350. This is the hottest Napoli has been since he went to Club Med with his mom and she busted out the thong. Though, that was more hot in temperature.
Jason Kipnis – 5-for-7, 1 RBI. Here’s you, “I’m gonna bench Kipnis this game because he’s oh for like his last 40.” Two hours later, “DAH!!!” Now you’ve missed out on Kipnis’s one productive game in his past 20.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. *presses ear against the wall* I think the wind has let up. *opens door, winds blow through* No, my decorative figurines!!! It’s a Torenado!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also seeing action in this game was Gonzalez Germen (1/3 IP, 0 ER). Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a Germen Blackmon was ever seen.
Williams Perez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54. “Wait, I was supposed to grab pitchers against the Braves, not Braves pitchers! Oh no, lineups have locked!” Three hours later, “Just as I planned.”
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. So far he doesn’t have more than one RBI in any game. How about a small wager that we’ll both welch on that says he has less than five games this year with two or more RBIs?
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. Sonavabench! But I wanted to play Domingo and Hicks and I don’t know why I had Rickard on my team and get your head of your Pedro Astacio, Fantasy Master Lothario! That was an awful move by me, but at least I have the hottest schmotato in the league on my team.
Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s been nearly as hot as JBJ, but is unavailable according to the ownership numbers I’m looking at. Wait, that’s my license plate. Was wondering why there was a letter in there.
Rick Porcello – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Racist! I streamed Porcello for this start, but his xFIP, K/9 and BB/9 are looking mighty purdy. This could burn me, but I’m not dropping Porcello just yet.
Jed Lowrie – Hit the 15-day DL with a shin bruise. Lowrie’s the type to hit the DL even when you have no idea he’s injured and it still makes sense. “Lowrie’s on the DL? Yeah, I could see that.”
Michael Pineda – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.28. I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year and haven’t regretted it at all. In fact (Grey’s got more!), he’s still sitting on waivers in my league. You really need to move on if you’re holding out hope.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hot schmotato alert!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and third in the past three games. This Zombino is eating pitchers’ brain custard like it’s Culver’s frozen custard. Own/now.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.62. You can lie to yourself and say this was a decent start, but three walks and one K really isn’t good.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .195 (and more RBIs than Freeman). It hasn’t been a great start for Kendrys, but batting cleanup for a good team and he can still back into 100 RBIs this year. Morales of the story? I’d try to hold tight if you need ribbies.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He did that for all the people who stopped believing in him and calling him, “Wrestling jobber, Salvador Blowme.”
Matt Duffy – 3-for-6 and his 4th steal. The Duff Man! Oh yeah!
A.J. Griffin – MRI revealed no damage in his shoulder. Then, the MRI quickly turned its head and revealed it was really his mother. Which was captured as a Vine, turned into a meme, and then was commented on by Fallon.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer as he entered the game as a pinch-hitter. Real talk, did any afternoon game only go nine innings yesterday? I had more deadly 1-for-5’s on my fantasy teams yesterday than the guy keeping score at Russian roulette.
Josh Donaldson – 4-for-6, 2 runs and a steal. F5!
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Damn, I was waiting for him to string together his third straight great start and take that next jump. That’s all right, he gets the Rays next. The Stream-o-Nator‘s eyes are bulging out at that start like it’s John Lithgow in The Twilight Zone movie.
Andrew Cashner – Questionable for next start in Miller Park. But not as questionable as the logic behind starting him on your fantasy team in Milwaukee.
Fernando Rodney – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 9th and 10th saves on both sides of the doubleheader and has a 0.00 ERA. I feel bad for the poor schmuck who has Jeanmar Gomez and Rodney. He’s so happy he’s going to fall into a giggle-induced coma.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.80. If you would be so kind to be my Barbara Hershey, let the glory of love that is my NL-Only team shine over you for a moment. I had Pomeranz, Nicasio and Scherzer go: 21 IP, 35 Ks, 2.57 and 0.76 WHIP. Too bad, it didn’t matter because I have 322 Ks in that league for first place. I have more Ks in an NL-Only than I have in my 12-team mixed leagues. As for Pomeranz, he has a 1.80 ERA and a 11.5 K/9, why wouldn’t you pick him up?
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Hard to argue with his results. I mean, you could, but you’d be arguing with numbers, Crazybird.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’ve been monocle’ing this guy for about a week. He’s hitting around-.350 in the last week, and is overdue for a power outage. Yeah, I know outage sounds negative, but you hit the ball out; outage sounds right to me. I’m leaving outage. I want a power outage! Crap, why did the lights go off? That wasn’t my last wish, was it? Genie? Where are you?!
Jhoulys Chacin – Traded to the Angels from the Braves. I get why the Braves are doing the trade, but the Angels have now acquired glovechild, Brendan Ryan, and Chacin in the past two days. The Angels are like the guy who goes to the prom with his sister, and, when others make fun of him, he proves them wrong by making out with his sister. You’re not proving people wrong, Angels, you’re making yourself look even sadder. Just stop.