Glen Perkins hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Or, for those of you who have Siri read these posts to them, “Sorry, Grey, there’s no set closers in the Minnesota area, would you like to open up your search to waivers?” Thanks, Siri, I would. “Googling theater times for The Wood.” Ugh, Siri. True Story Alert! Because my pronunciation on everything is fudged up worse than See’s Candy. I tried having Siri call a friend of mine when I was pulling up to their house to pick them up, and Siri came back with, “Calling Israeli consulate to tell them you’re outside waiting.” I then immediately pulled over to stop a call that sounds like it would be flagged by the NSA. So, Perkins’s situation is hairier than a merkins’ situation; Kevin Jepsen should be the first go-to guy in the pen, but he’s no guarantee. Everyone is in play for the Twins’ job, Jepsen, Trevor May, Fernando Abad, Casey Fien and Ryan Pressly. Jepsen has experience, May has stuff, Fernando is a Abad righty, but an okay lefty for situational saves, Fien is not F-I-N-E and Pressly is the closer if everyone else leaves the building. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. Five walks is not what I want to see. I’d prefer three earned and zero walks. Rodon has more walks than a senior citizen at a mall. Hopefully, he can do better in his next matchup, or this year could be rocky. Yo, Adrian!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, and his 2nd day in a row with two hits. Not too late to get this schmotato thing going, homey. You post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-hype prospect, you!
Yu Darvish – Threw a round of live BP. All of the zombies and robots standing near the on-deck circle lowered their collective heads and sighed.
Delino DeShields – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st home run. DeShizznit! I’ve noticed people are already abandoning hope for DeShizznit. Guys and five girl readers, he’s on pace for a 110/6/45/.280/40 season. He’s not a 25/40 guy. He won’t hit homers in bunches. Could he still get to 10+ homers? Yeah, by hitting a whooping four more homers over his pace over the course of six months. Y’all need to exercise some patience.
A.J. Griffin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Note to self: Link to this pitching line when asked what the average start is for a streamer. Alfredo Jettucine gets the Astros next and I’d expect him to get creamed.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Showing some good power early on, and hitting .189. Maybe he’s doing that late career metamorphosis where he sacrifices average for power. Made famous in the past by Craig Biggio, and more recently by Daniel Murphy. We should have a glossary term for this metamorphosis. Please suggest in the comments.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Loved Walker coming into this year, and haven’t been swayed yet. You can’t Swayze me!
Jerad Eickhoff – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Don’t hassle the ‘hoff! Damn, I’m gonna go check waivers for this guy because he is my new favorite person in the entire–Oh, this was vs. the Padres. Yeah, get ‘hoff my team.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This homer came off Colin Rea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Maikel Franco owns Colin Rea. Literally. You can find the letters Colin Rea in Maikel Franco’s name. Take heed, Frank Mole. Just pitch around him.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.80, with his 4th save. Trails only Papelbon for the NL lead. SAGNOF!
Devin Mesoraco – Had the night off yesterday. So far, an ugly start to Mesoraco’s year, and he hasn’t hit well either.
Zack Cozart – Has missed a few days with a tight quad. In related news, Salieri’s fantasy team is doing well.
Alfredo Simon – 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Simon hasn’t looked that bad since he was jailed for murder, but at least there he was able to pay off the judges to change it to an unearned murder.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s it, get hot, you sumsabeech!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI. Ooh, a rising schmotato. Oh, wait a second, Maddon just removed him for Lil’ Szczur.
Carlos Carrasco – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.46. I don’t know how I don’t have a taste of Carrasco in any league with his signature mix of hot peppers, vinegar and sliders.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. I think it was just yesterday people started talking about getting rid of Kipnis in a trade. Let’s talk about dropping Pujols because I’d like some homers.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. Well, I did have him in one league, but dropped him. Like my mother apparently dropped my head when I was younger. So stupid! Oh, well, you win some, you…where’d I put the rest of that cliche?
Pablo Sandoval – Hit the Disgraceful List with a shoulder sprain. This is like the straight-to-video Kung Fu Panda sequel, where Panda loses his chi, gets a job at the Mexican-American restaurant, Chi-Chi’s, learns how to make fried ice cream and is one of the best at it, until Chi-Chi’s hires a cat by the name of Travis Shaw, who makes fried ice cream better than Panda. At first, Panda’s bothered by the mere appearance of Shaw, but over time he learns to sit on the bench, eat Shaw’s fried ice cream and enjoy baseball as a spectator, regaining his chi. Think it went like that, I just read the reviews.
Rusney Castillo – Demoted to Triple-A. Rusney said, “Wait, I can pretend my shoulder hurts for a DL stint. C’mon, let me keep my street cred and stay out of those damn minor league buses!”
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and two steals (1, 2). Hey, someone notified Bogaerts that the season started. That’s cool. Thanks, iCal!
Adam Jones – Didn’t start again yesterday but has entered the last few games as a defensive replacement. That is totally why you have Jones on your team, Showalter! Great call! Jones is like a slightly injured Juan Lagares! More like Buck Schmohawk.
Chris Davis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .233. That ball was CRUSHED! MORE YELLING!
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Fool me once, shame on you, Alex Wood keeps fooling me. I get that, but I still kinda like him and he’s in a place where he can succeed. For now, I’m only getting in in (stutterer!) deeper leagues, but the definition of deeper could expand rapidly. That sounds like a drunk Stephen Hawking quote!
Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I keep saying he’s a hot schmotato, I keep hearing crickets. And crickets spook me, so not cool.
Johan Santana – Aiming to return to MLB. Wait, it gets better, as a pitcher! Maybe that’s not better.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in Toronto. Not saying the Gods are smiling down on the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), but I benched Pineda, and this was a solid benched start. Not too good, not too bad, not much regret.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. All he does is hit homers! Seriously, that’s it. He’s like Chris Carter with name value.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. After the game, he removed tape from the back of his jersey to reveal his full surname, Happier.
Nolan Arenado – 4-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers. I wish we could get back to last year’s expectations for him, but we can’t, so that means he’s gonna have to hit 45 homers. Get on it!
Trevor Story – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI. No homers? Damn, maybe they need to move him down the lineup to get his head right.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Hey, I like him more than just about any ‘pert, but this was in Coors, so, ya know, perspective.
Marco Gonzales – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. When Dr. James Andrews goes to strip clubs, he makes it rain with pitchers’ tendons.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Busch. Anderson has a 0.00 ERA so far, but that’s misleading for a few reasons A) He gave up three unearned runs yesterday. B) He’s not a zero ERA pitcher. C) There’s no C. I am streaming him for his next start vs. the Twins, for what it’s Werth, but the Stream-o-Nator thinks that’s absurd.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 1st homer. Domingo was the Buy last Viernes. That’s what’s SAP.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. This is the 2nd game in a row he’s given up four runs. Maybe you tighten it up, Leake. He’s got about one more start before I’d move on in most mixed leagues.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks in Houston. Not an easy matchup, but Ventura did solid. Maybe he’s matured from the days of picking fights and blowing Kabuki green mist in hitters’ faces.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. It was a towering shot. Okay, anything over five-three is towering for him. “That is a towering fire hydrant.” That’s Altuve taking a stroll.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, and third in two games. That Semien is hot! Ew. No, really!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .387 as he hit way down in the six hole. It’s fun to watch The Sciosciapath move around one of the few pieces that is actually hitting. It’s like when you blow out your car speakers, but rather than get a new stereo system, you drive around with your phone playing music in your lap. Don’t tell me I’m the only one that has done this.
Adam Conley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Conley looked great against the Mets’ B lineup. “May all of your streamers face a getaway day lineup.” That’s what I write in your yearbook with a mustache for a signature. Stream-o-Nator liked his start yesterday, but is less in awe of his next.
Mike Morse – Designated for assignment. Or, as he says, dash dot dot, dot dot dash dot, dot dash.
Jung Ho Kang – Cleared to play without restrictions. I hope that doesn’t mean he’ll be playing without pants.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 1 run as he continues to bat third. He wouldn’t even bat third for the Padres! C’mon, Clint Hurdle, that shizz was funny the first game. It’s not remotely funny now. It’s bordering on psychotic. Someone needs to administer an ink blot test and, if Hurdle says Freese after being shown an ink blot in the shape of a major league hitter, he needs electrodes put onto his medulla oblongata and they need to test the activity. Clint Hurdle is Brad Pitt in Twelve Monkeys crazy!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam. McCann is out indefinitely, so the Salty cure is the salami. Lunchmeat. (Lunchmeat is said there like ‘word.’) If you’re in a deep league, I could see grabbing Salty. The player, not the seasoning. Since you play fantasy, I’m assuming you have high blood pressure.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Now triple the homers of Miggy (1-for-4, 1 run). Ah, early season baseball, you are exploiter of sample sizes.
Shane Greene – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. This game was billed as, “I thought we were seeing Daniel Norris take on Francisco Liriano? Stupid preseason ticket sales!”
Stephen Strasburg – Missed yesterday’s start due to the flu, but hopes to start today. Hopefully, he’s not popping too many Airbornes, I heard they could cause a pitcher’s curve to stay up.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Also in this game, Stephen Drew homered (1-for-3). Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time Werth and Drew did something positive all year, unless you count positively suck.
Mallex Smith – 0-for-4 and his 1st steal. For some reason, it always gets my juices flowing when a guy goes hitless and steals a base. It’s like they care about our fantasy teams. Mallex, you may sound like a drug with many side effects, but you can be my spirit animal.
Hector Olivera – Was arrested for assault and placed on leave. If you are an MLB groupie, it may behoove you to go on a Cuban embargo.