*rubs ancient lamp, a blue genie appears* I have three wishes for this baseball season. My first wish is “No one I own get hurt.” I didn’t draft Dinelson Lamet, Josh Donaldson or Trevor Rosenthal, so I made your job easy for you, great, powerful Genie. My 2nd wish is “Everyone I drafted do well.” I drafted Juan Soto, Trevor Story and Alec Bohm, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish too. My 3rd and final wish is “All defensive shifts are eight catchers stacked on top of each other like a totem pole.” Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you!
Okay, breathe in, breathe out. Take a moment. Really feel the ground below your feet. The air in your lungs. The soon-turds in your lower intestine. You’re alive. That’s the feeling. April baseball, you giant love muffin! I missed you so much. I’d get choked up, but I cried out all my tears at Luis Castillo’s start. Remember, the only thing you really should take away from yesterday’s player performances is: It’s one game. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Nick Senzel – Would you be shocked if I told you he left with an injury? Really? Wait until you hear how much an NFT just sold for. Ya know, Not F*cking Tangible.
Luis Castillo – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. About seven of those runs could’ve been avoided with an actual shortstop. Real question: Will the Eugenio Suarez experiment last long enough for him to get shortstop eligibility? And the real answer is: Please no. Or the other acceptable answer is: Luis Castillo will lock Suarez in a clubhouse closet prior to him ever starting at short again.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Geez, he seems to have the power of, I don’t know, a third baseman?
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact gets high on fastballs, hanging curve balls and moms with mustaches.
Alex Reyes – Announced as the Cards’ pseudocloser yesterday. Pseudo pseudo pseudeeeoooooh, and here comes Peter Gabriel’s Genesis Cabrera who won’t close, but Gallegos might. No, it’s still Reyes, according to the Cards, but this feels less than decided.
Jack Flaherty – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Aces, man, huh? So trustworthy!
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Tyler SZ’Neill!
Dylan Carlson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Don’t overreact, is what I say right before saying, I really think I’m gonna regret not having more Carlson shares.
Brad Keller – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER. A’la Trading Places, “Looking bad Braddy K! Feeling bad Luis Castillo!”
Wade Davis – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, as Greg Holland struggled through 2/3 IP, but this is nothing, right? Right? It’s something? Now, let’s start again, it’s nothing, right? Ugh, you’re still thinking it’s something?
Michael A. Taylor – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Could we have our first hot schmotato of the season? Or I should say Schmot A. To.
Hunter Dozier – Left yesterday’s game with a contused thumb. His thumb thought it was an index finger. Wait, that’s confused. Wonder what Bobby Witt Jr. is up to?
Whit Merrifield – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Rangers’ bullpen is almost as bad as their rotation.
Kyle Gibson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Feels like such a victory that I don’t have this schmohawk in any league this year. Should get a fantasy title for just not drafting Gibson.
Chris Owings – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st and 2nd steal, as he started over Ryan McMahon. Opening Day, but already Peak Bud Black.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Was robbed of a home run. Dot dot dot. By Justin Turner. Don’t even ask.
Austin Barnes – 0-for-2, as he started over Will Smith. Dave Roberts warned us in the spring that he would be super dumb with who he started at catcher, did you pay attention?
Josh Donaldson – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. Surprised it’s not the calf, because usually Josh Donaldson sounds like my mom after dinner. DECAF!!!
Kenta Maeda – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks vs. Brandon Woodruff – 4 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks. *throws computer out the window* So…what’s the Streamonator up to? Crap, I need my computer for that.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and the 1st slam (1) and legs (1) of the season. P to the erhaps, even more encouraging, he had two walks. T-minus 17 days until his oblique injury. I kid. Kinda.
Luis Arraez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. If you need AVG and runs, you can do worse than Arraez. Or are you Arraez con…pollo?
Alex Colome – 1 IP, 0 ER and the blown save. Meh, it was unearned runs that took him down. Taxicab confession alert! I didn’t really understand the Taylor Rogers drafters, as he worked the 7th inning. I’m still in on Colome.
Freddy Peralta – 2 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks as he worked the 5th and 6th innings. I’m guessing this is nothing. Due to early season schedules, Peralta might not start for a week, and needs work.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 3 RBI. It’s not an allusion, it’s a trick, Shaw! Get on board? Trust when I say I’m watching everyone, but it’s too early to declare anything definitive.
Juan Soto – Mets/Nats were PPD, due to Covid.
#OpeningDay / Covid is still a very real thing pic.twitter.com/CokJFhx4VI
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 1, 2021
Max Fried – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. This Fried/Nola matchup was billed as: Beignets.
Kevin Gausman – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’d link to my fifteen-hundred mentions of Gausman this preseason, capping it with his sleeper post, but I’m gonna assume you were at least half paying attention.
Austin Slater – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. Slater said this one was for Screech. RIP, a real one. Also, Slater is a platoon guy, and the other half of that platoon, Alex Dickerson, also homered. The other other half of that platoon might be why some people were yelling out their window La Stellllllllllllla.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Buster Posey () hit his 1st homer. Posey/Longoria also generates some interesting search results on Reddit.
Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Ah, yes, bullpens, why I regret quitting barbiturates.
Lucas Giolito – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. This comes with a big disclaimer because I don’t remember clearly back to 2019, but I feel like on Opening Day, when all aces throw, we’d see at least one 8 to 9-inning start or at least someone holding a team to zero runs.
Max Stassi – 2-for-3 and his 1st home run. Catchers are so whatever that I usually don’t mention them, and Stassi won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but, after loving Stassi back in January, I drifted off him, due to his hip surgery. I wish I hadn’t, and drafted him in more places. I believed his breakout last year.
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. Welp, we all know Shane Bieber washed*. *His hands between innings, MLB protocols and all.
Christin Stewart – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to get back with Robert Pattinson.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. First Ballot HOFer Miguel Cabrera slid into 2nd base on a home run, due to snow visibility, and because that’s what Hall of Famers do.
Matthew Boyd – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. Snow was no excuse for Bieber giving up runs, but can I use it for Boyd not giving up runs? I can? Great.
Gregory Soto – 1 IP, 2 ER, and his 1st save. Damn, I drafted the wrong Soto this year. So, uh, Soto’s outing now makes me interested in Daniel Norris, who set him up.
Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, and gave up a home run to fellow schmohawk, Teoscar Hernandez. Think that’s a double not great, Bob, for schmohawks, but it’s one game. Right, lede?
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit that ball almost as hard as the ball usually hits his balls.
Mike Tauchman – 0-for-0 with two steals. Mike Tauchman is on pace for 324 steals.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ryu putting up near-same line as Cole at a six-round discount. Call me shocked.
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. The Teoscar goes to…the person who drafted Teoscar! Grey gets an early Razzie.
Julian Merryweather – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and his 1st save. Important to note that a guy who sounds like a former WBC world champ got the save, as I throw in the towel on trying to figure out bullpens. This is likely nothing because it was an extra innings game, and Romano went in the 9th, but usually closers are held in away games until the team has the lead, so it might be something.
Kyle Hendricks – 3 IP, 3 ER. There was a starter having challenges in the CHC-PIT game and it was not Kuhl.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. It’s Ke’HRyan season. Rookie of the Year, incoming.
Anthony Alford – 0-for-3, 1 run and a steal. Alford isn’t a bat, man, but I have him in a few leagues for steals. Monocle, if you must.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. He threw 82 pitches, or the same number of words he said last month.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I keep saying Carlos Correa feels like a guy who will harness all the negative energy from the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang scandal, and turn it into his raison d’etre, but Bregman seems to be swallowing all those Negative Nancy Juju pills.
Trevor Rosenthal – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. If only the A’s had someone to stop the waves of 9th inning runs. They need a dike, man. *falls off chair* Wait a minute! Jake Diekman would appear to be in the driver’s seat for the job, but when I hear Diekman and driver’s seat, I’m reminded of that scene in Chasing Amy in the diner. Sergio Romo would be my 2nd guess. J.B. Wendelken is there too, but he sounds like merely an early-20th century general store tycoon.
Chris Bassitt – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER. I said you were a number three starter, not a starter who gives up three. Get it together!
Yu Darvish – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. I’m making an iCal reminder for next year to not start any pitchers the first week of the season. They’re just not ready.
Dinelson Lamet – Hit the IL with perhaps my favorite IL notification. “Lamet hit the IL (elbow), he said he should be fine though.” Oh…*swims across the English Channel*…kay.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. As I said a few times in the preseason, if Melancon isn’t closing, what is he doing? You ain’t calling on him to shut down the 8th inning. Granted, I realize how ridiculous this sounds because it means you’re calling on him to close the ninth. Logic has a hard C, Melancon doesn’t.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, and a triple short of the cycle. Here’s my Eric Hosmer sleeper. Let’s get that money!
Wil Myers – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Everyone knows FTJ and Machado, but I’m most excited about Myers, Hosmer and Cronenworth in that lineup.
Madison Bumgarner – 4 IP, 6 ER. The good news is his hitting still looks good.
Ketel Marte – 4-for-5, 2 runs, and his 1st home run. The ball is deadened and will lose 10 feet off and humidors and Ketel Marte can’t hit home runs burp burp fart. I’m warning you right now I am going to become so bitter if Ketel has a huge year after doing nothing on all my teams last year. I mean, I have him on a team or team now, but I had him on literally every team last year. Ugh, Grey taking L’s even when they’re W’s!
Josh Rojas – 0-for-5. Not a great 1st start, but whatever. If you google Josh Rojas sleeper, you’ll see my post from 2019. Here’s the important stuff, “His entire year when combining Double and Triple-A was 25 homers, 37 steals and around a .300 average. I’m sorry, you foxy now, huh? He regularly had a 38% fly ball rate in the minors, and a 15% HR/FB, that’s essentially Charlie Blackmon’s 2019 when he hit 32 homers. That feels high, so let’s just say 33% fly ball rate, which feels low, but that was his rate after his call-up when he struggled. With a 15% HR/FB, that will still produce around 18 homers. Eighteen home runs is not exactly the meow’s cat, but if it’s coming with speed, it’s more than doable. So…speed? He had about the same sprint speed last year as Jarrod Dyson.” And that’s me quoting me! You know he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s already available on the Patreon.
Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. Not to take anything away from him, which is what I say when I take something away from him, but the Marlins’ pitching is great. Pitching.
Diego Castillo – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. For those unfamiliar with Kevin Cash, I wish I had your virgin brain. Also, Castillo is not the closer just because he got the 1st save. He could be, or he could get the next five saves, then suddenly not appear in a save situation for two weeks. Cash ruins everything around me.
Yoshitomo Tsutsugo – 0-for-3 as he hit leadoff. We’ll see what Yoshitomorrow brings for the Rays’ leadoff.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. Here’s one of those guys I was not drafting in any league, but would be completely fine if he had a great season. Also, wouldn’t be surprised if he has a good April, then I tell you to sell him by May.
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. “Hey, it’s HighStarter420 calling in from Teaneck. I’m a big fan, Grey. Let me just ask you one question: Why shouldn’t I draft a starter high? Bababooey!”
Sixto Sanchez – Felt discomfort in his shoulder, and I’m hearing he might be out until June. Sixto pains none the richer.
