Yesterday, Mookie Betts went 4-for-6, 4 runs, 8 RBIs with three homers (24, 25, 26).  In the long, storied history of the Red Sox, Mookie Betts is only the 2nd Sawx player to have two three-homer games in a season; the other is Ted Williams.  Mookie Ballgame.  The Splendid Splurger.  The Greatest Mookie Who Ever Lived With Apologies To Mookie Wilson and Mookie Blaylock.  The You Can’t Make This Up Because Your Imagination Can’t Come Up With Anything This Beautiful.  The Hamilton Musical In Baseball Form.  The Unfrozen Ted Williams.  I don’t think it’s hyperbole — which is not the chamber Michael Jackson used to sleep in — to think Mookie Betts will be a top three hitter in 2017 fantasy baseball drafts.  He’s now cemented himself in the three hole in one of the best offensive parks, surrounded by a team that is always potent on offense.  Betts or Trout?  There’s a legit case for Betts, The Splendid Splurger!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce our RCL fantasy football leagues are signing up.  So, go over there and rush the QB!  I’m pretty sure that doesn’t stand for Q-Bert.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Looked fine yesterday after sitting out Saturday with a toe issue, which is not to say he sat out with the August issue of the podiatrist magazine, “Plantar Fascinate-itis.”

Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .307.  Too bad Pedroia was overshadowed yesterday, but he’s used to it, since he can be overshadowed by a fire hydrant.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.30.  You know how many wins Porcello has?  I’ll give you a hint, it’s the most in the major leagues.  Yup.

Clay Buchholz – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.66.  He’s obviously fantasy irrelevant at this point, but, on a real baseball note, I almost wonder if a change of scenario wouldn’t better serve him, especially if the trade included someone else named Jeeves.

Patrick Corbin – Moved to the bullpen.  Maybe him and Buchholz can start their own team in the Mexican Baseball League, which is also considered the top baseball league by dyslexics.  “The competition in the MBL is tough, but when life gives you melons, you make lemonade.”

Zack Greinke – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA up to 4.31.  To give you an idea of some 2017 preseason cherrypicking, there will be someone somewhere that says something (such exact language!) such as, “If you remove one start of Greinke’s at Fenway, he only had a 3.60-ish ERA.”

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Let’s not go over old news by talking about A-Rod’s PEDs-fueled ride into the sunset (or until the Marlins sign him to play 3rd base).  Instead, let’s talk about new, old news and the call-ups of Tyler Austin and Aaron Judge.  This was handled like how your wife handled your divorce.  “Let’s end this amicably, Thomas, for the kids’ sake.”  “I’d like that too.”  12 hours after you move out, her new boyfriend moves in.  Your wife even calls her new boyfriend and says, “We’re bringing you up to the majors.  Yeah, we got rid of the old man.”  So, Judge and Austin, Austin and Judge, Aayler Justin!  I want them both on all my teams.  I already gave you my Aaron Judge fantasy.  He’s first of the two to grab, but if you miss him, Tyler Austin (1-for-4, and a slam & legs on Saturday) was no slouch in the minors.  Now, if your fantasy league doesn’t have a posture category, he had 13 homers in only 57 Triple-A games to go with five steals.  He too can struggle with average, but with such little time left, a guy can get lucky on average and make that irrelevant.  Remember, Yankee Stadium isn’t a bad place to hit.  It’s a bad place to drive to, walk to, see a game for under $600, but not bad for hitters.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he started his 4th game at catcher.  I wanna start a moveon.org petition for Brian McCann (1-for-2, 1 run) to DH the rest of the year, but I’m not politically motivated even in only a self-serving way, though I guess that’s redundant.

Luis Severino – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.19.  Well, Yankee fans, at least your young hitters are doing well.

Brad Miller – 1-for-5, 1 run, but two homers on Saturday (21, 22).  When he was on the Mariners, I was all over Brad Miller like white on Charlie Blackmon, but he disappointed, and we moved on.  Only thing, he’s only 26 years old, so still well within the time frame of breaking out, and he’s doing exactly that.  So, I wasn’t wrong about liking Miller, just a bit premature like your balding.

Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .280.  Also, in this game, Nick Franklin (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer and Corey Dickerson (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 16th homer.  From that I don’t extrapolate schmotatoes, but instead Yankees’ pitching is sucky.

Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.19.  I’m going to don some tie-dye, go to Woodstock and start chanting, “Hendricks for Cy Young,” until someone asks what acid I dropped.

Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, in his 1st start.  Fulmer looks like butter, Berrios looks like butt, Taillon looks like maple butter, Urias looks like tofu styled to look like butter.  It’s rookie pitchers, y’all, hard to know what you’re going to get.

Brandon Moss – 2-for-4 and a slam (21) and legs (1), after hitting another homer on Saturday.  Member on Friday I said I was done telling you to pick up Moss.  This is me keeping my pledge.  Eat it, snitches!

Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .276.  He’s not being modest.  He honestly doesn’t know.

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84.  Going out on a 150-year-old oak limb when I say he’s the best pitcher currently throwing who was shut down three weeks ago.

Marcus Stroman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.63.  His ERA in August is 2.46 in 18 1/3 IP with 25 Ks.  I’m digging in on Stroman because he does have talent, so I’m making sure I don’t miss the break out.

Russell Martin – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer.  Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…

Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .248.  Tulo to the DL in 3, 2, 1…

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .271.  Edwin watching Betts’ highlights on SportsCenter, “I’m never gonna win the MVP, am I?  Oh, man, they just called him, The Splendid Splurger.  Damn, that’s a good nickname.”  Then Edwin pets his imaginary parrot.

Darren O’Day – Hit the DL with a strained rotator cuff.  What an odd thing to find in a colander!

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer.  He’s going to be so overrated next year.  And ‘so’ in that sentence is the size of the Milky Way galaxy.

Matt Wieters – 5-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .245.  Got his one big game a month out of the way early in August.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .282.  Please, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, just let him get to 27 homers.  I’m asking for me, your subservient buddy. (It’s the only way to be his friend.)

Hunter Pence – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, and his first homer since May 18th, which is Reggie Jackson’s birthday, and in the 70s, Reggie wore a full-length, fur coat made of a Gangly Manbird, which is the same breed as Pence.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Jonathan Papelbon – Asked to be released and it was granted.  When the Nationals traded for Melancon, I said something along the lines that I’m sure Papelbon will be a team player and love to work set up.  Alas, it didn’t work out that way.  What a surprise.  Oh, wait, I was being sarcastic that first time.  Hold on, am I being sarcastic this time too?

Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.74, but his ERA is kinda irrelevant since he’s a rookie pitcher who could rattle off a few great starts or a bag of Dick Poles.  Also, if Joe Ross returns, Lopez will be bumped from the rotation.  For now, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator on him.

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer.  He’s been a’ight with his .234 average.  Wait, I’m sorry, Bryce Harper (1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI) is hitting .234; Rendon is hitting .266.  Also, Harper has only four more RBIs than Rendon on the year (58 to 54).

Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.81.  Speaking of Mr. Roark, I had an idea for Herve Villechaize lounge cushions, that have a picture of Tattoo’s face with the tagline, “They’re not plain, they’re not plain.”  Anyone want to invest?

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 1 run.  He has at least one hit in all but two games dating back to July 8th.  If there’s no Ender in sight, you might want to check how you’re spelling his last name in your waiver wire search function.

Sonny Gray – May not return in 2016.  If I were Sonny, I’d push for the narrative “I haven’t pitched all season,” instead of saying he’s returning, which implies he had been pitching this year.

Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .254.  Which K/Chris Davis is it again that you want to own?

Ryon Healy – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in four games.  I didn’t see an injury, but he was replaced midway into the game by Yonder Alonso.  I get it, Beane likes to play matchups, but for a rebuilding club, shouldn’t, I don’t know, Healy get every single at-bat and Alonso be DFA’d?  Just spitballing here.

Tyler Anderson – 3 IP, 4 ER.  That whole starting Anderson and Gray in Philly this weekend worked out just as I threw it up.

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 19th and 20th homers, hitting .324.  Chazz Noir moved into the top 15 on our Player Rater, ya know, around guys like Goldschmidt, Edwin and Marte.

Yoenis Cespedes – Will begin a rehab assignment on Monday at High-A St. Lucie, which is the birthplace of selling a single cigarette to a homeless person.  City motto is, “St. Lucie, everyone gets a drag.”

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  This start came at home vs. the Padres, and, while it’s odd for me to say this about a guy with a 2.30 ERA, but this felt like his first pitch black start.  Sorry, lights out start, I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus there.

Steven Matz – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.40.  I’d need to see it against someone other than the Padres before I lay out the welcome Matz.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer.  It’s uncanny like non-nursing home peaches how cold Walker was from May through June, and how hot he was in April and now.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, and 3-for-5 on Saturday.  Hot schmotato alert!

Matt Boyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That gave Flavor Flav’s H2H fantasy team, “Yeah, Boyd,” its first win of the season.

Michael Fulmer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  He’s more than a half run better than all other AL pitchers for ERA, but to qualify he needs to get to 162 IP.  The interesting part (to me, at least), he should be shut down around 155 IP.

Victor Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .304.  Also, homering was:  J.D. Martinez (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 15th homer), Miguel Cabrera (1-for-5, 27th homer) and Ian Kinsler (1-for-5, 22nd homer).  Meanwhile, Justin Upton (0-for-3, hitting .230) lugs around the piss bucket.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending shoulder surgery.  To soften the blow, the Indians’ organization in conjunction with Brantley’s family are making like it’s 2015 so he thinks he’s going for his first shoulder operation.  Calendars have been changed, a video of True Detective season 2 is playing on a family TV and everyone is instructed to talk about how Donald Trump will never beat Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio for the nomination.

Mike Clevinger – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks.  Clevinger sounds like the real name for a horror movie killer.  “Oh my God, tickets aren’t the only thing being scalped in Cleveland!  It’s the Indians’ Clevinger!”  Oh, and for fantasy, if you own him, you’re going to want to shut your eyes and hold a loved one.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 18th steal, hitting .314.  I want every Indians hitter on my fantasy teams.

Tyler Naquin – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .314.  All of them.

Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Note to self, don’t let your pitchers face the Indians.

Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I grabbed him for the batty call for Monday.  You grab him too, and we can form a prayer hexagon and get all amen-y for Ji-Man.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .303.  Member when he was hitting .249 on June 30th and you were like, “Grey, you’re handsome AF, but Votto’s old and decrepit and other words for old and I needs to finds me someone else.”  Yeah, he’s hitting over-.400 for the last six weeks.  Oh, and Eugenio hit his 19th homer on Saturday, so you know Votto had to Iverson him.

Cody Reed – 1 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.36.  More like Grody Reed!  Amiright?!

Ryan Braun – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homers, hitting .328.  It’s funny (not funny) how Braun has maintained stats into his 30s that don’t look that far off from his presumably PEDs-fueled years.  Really, does anyone know what kind of boost PEDs actually gives?  That’s what upsets me when guys like Alex Sanchez get no Hall of Fame consideration.

Keon Broxton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 13th and 14th steals, also in this game, Orlando Arcia went 1-for-4, 2 runs with his 2nd steal.  Which leads me to a long overdue point, the Brewers run.  A lot.

Zach Davies – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.80.  Were there any borderline streamers on Saturday that actually pitched well?  Not to answer but to comfort me with a small shake of your head.

Miguel Sano – Will undergo an MRI on his elbow.  The same elbow he had Tommy John surgery on in 2014.  Sano says it’s not an issue when he swings.  Yet.  I added the yet.

Paulo Orlando – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .334, as he now hits leadoff.  It’s a new dawn for Orlando!  I immediately went to see if I could grab Orlando in my leagues, but he was gone.  Don’t wait for three more knocks, grab Orlando now.

Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .279.  He was 1 for his last 16 prior, and around .160 in the 2nd half, so hopefully this is him fogging up the mirror under his nose.  Unless the mirror under Cain…Sugar!’s nose is for something else.

Wade Davis – Has been playing catch for the last few days and is likely back before September.  This is good for his owners and likely terrible for Davis.  I appreciate he wants to come back, but the Royals are going nowhere this year and he really should shut it down for the year.  Damn, reading WebMD makes me knowledgable on arm issues.

Clayton Kershaw – Threw for three straight days from flat ground.  Spectators said the ground didn’t look like ‘Matt Adams’ chest at all.’

Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .251.  On our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Jose Abreu.  Ouch.  Though, at this point, I’m not sure who I’m ouching for.  Prefer if I was singing, “U Can’t Ouch This.”  Pederson hits the ball, so hard, makes me say, “Oh, my Lord, thank you for blessing me.  With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet…”  And now that’s stuck in my head.

Brett Anderson – 1 IP, 5 ER in his first start of the year as he returned from the DL.  Anderson said he was ready for the A-team, but he ended up looking like B.A. Bupkis.

Brandon McCarthy – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), and hit the DL with a stiff hip.  It’s times like these when I wish McCarthy was a polygamist married to both Jose Reyes and Johnny Depp.

Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.17.  Okay, maybe they can do a four-way marriage between Reyes and Depp and those that get hit around, McCarthy and Cole.

Jordy Mercer – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  Could be a hot schmotato, or Jordy could just be short for Jordache.  You make the call!

Josh Harrison – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .275.  With his 4 homers and meh speed, Harrison does nothing for me.  He does less than even Ringo.

Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Nice that he got these home runs when everyone was awake.

Starling Marte – Scratched with upper back discomfort, after his back forced him out of Saturday’s game.  The Pirates should invest in a hot tub for their banged-up outfielders, call their tub, The Pirates of Panacea.

Adam Frazier – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .348.  Sorry, but we want him prospblocked.

James Shields – 3 IP, 7 ER.  All jokes aside, Shields is a frickin’ joke.  Maybe he’ll linger for a few years in the league, but for fantasy purposes, he looks so done.

Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.30.  Someone should tell Sale, “Hey, man, you’re not gonna pass through waivers, so you may as well pitch better.”

Tim Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .272, hitting near-.350 in the last week.  Bit surprised he has more homers than steals (5 SBs), but, beyond that, he could be a light schmotato.

Adam Eaton – 3-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .277, and has two homers in the last eight games.  Spinach.  That’s the answer to what’s Adam Eaton.

Adam Conley – Hit the DL with middle finger tendinitis.  In related news, A-Rod met with the Marlins’ organization to show off his change.  “Wow, I never knew the Dominican Republic made a ‘Centaur nickel.'”  That’s the Marlins’ coaches looking at A-Rod’s change.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit the DL with a groin strain, and will be out for the rest of the season.  When I heard he was getting checked for a groin injury, I got so jealous I started seeing seeing red.  Round, red objects.  That had a hair or two sprouting from them like they were Chia Pets.  Can’t believe a groin injury knocked him out for the year.  He’s really testes’ing my love.