I love this Brendan Rodgers guy! Woo-hoo, Cavan Biggio (3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)! How about that Kevin Cron?! Can I fit Yordan Alvarez on my team? I need some of that good shizz! What’s Kyle Tucker doing on my opponent’s team? Nuh-uh-uh, I just traded Scherzer for him! What’s your thoughts on Oscar Mercado? Because I just dropped Trout for him! Rookie call-up after call-up is, uh, called up. Rooks flashing before your eyes. You grab every one of them because you need that sweet taste of upside. “Due to a water ski accident, I can only taste tart and upside.” That’s you talking to your mouse hand as you pick up rookies. Lourdes Gurriel Jr. is promoted, and… *hand to ear, listening*….what’s the absence of sound? I can hear thoughts in my head wondering why parts of the ear are all former wrestlers…The Hammer, The Anvil, The Body…. Then Lourdes Gurriel Jr. hits a home run on Friday, another on Saturday and goes 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs on Sunday with his third homer in three games. So, are you interested now in Lourdes Gurriel Jr.? You think about it, then, “What do you think of Mitch Keller? Better than Ryu?” Grab that Gurriel! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Jackson – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.00. Edwin’s next team is going to be on MLB’s The Show.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.74. So weird to see a guy with an ERA under 3 on waivers when they’re about to face the Padres at home, but that’s where your man, the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), found himself on Saturday. The Streamonator was like you gots to get some of that shizz, yo, and who am I to resist? Though, I also dropped him quickfast, because his next start is in Coors.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers. Now has five homers in the last five homers. Dale Long’s family hasn’t yet booked their tickets to follow this schmotato.
Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.14. He got revenge against the Jays for all the times he was there with his dad and they treated him poorly. They never let little Cal partake in the clubhouse poutine.
Chris Paddack – Woke with a stiff neck and missed his start. His neck woke stiff because it was having a dream about owning him in fantasy.
Zack Wheeler – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.63 vs. Spencer Turnbull – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Watching this game yesterday led me to the conclusion that Wheeler gives up hits at the worst possible moment and Turnbull elicits a ton of ugly swings, but from ugly hitters, which essentially means I came away feeling exactly the same as I felt going in. Claude Monet was impressionism, but I’m not impressionable, so call me Claude No-Way.
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .269. The Greek God of Hard Contact hit one of the weakest home runs I’ve seen in some time. Commissioner Rob Manfred must’ve been sticking balls with a sippy cup yesterday.
Derek Fisher – 1-for-3. Astros called up Derek Fisher with Springer going on DL. They also announced to frustrated fantasy owners that Derek Fisher’s middle initials are GA, as in “But what about Tucker or Yordan?” “DGAF.”
David Price – Pitched 2/3 of an inning and left with the flu. See, I never had a shoulder strain or a hamstring strain or a groin pull by anyone I didn’t know, but I have had the flu. You, seriously, can’t figure out you have the flu and not start the game? Dubya tee eff, my man!
Marcus Walden – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.48 as he got the save. Ya know what’s hilarious in a non-hilarious way? Alex Cora said point blank in the preseason he knew who his closer would be all winter. Yet — again with some stank — YET! it appears like he doesn’t know who his closer is from week to week!
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4 and a slam (7) and legs (7), hitting .330. I’m not saying Benintendi is playing this season wearing Devers’s uniform, but I’m not saying it’s not the case either.
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Bauer the Broken is about to become Bauer the Benched.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. He might not be worth fixing like a Pop Warner football game.
Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.73 vs. Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.20. The Fantasy Island remake, where I don’t own Mr. Roark and my Quintana gets Tattoo’d, sucks.
Javier Baez – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .317. I love him, but I own him, so I might be Baez.
Kris Bryant – 0-for-3, but left after a collision with Heyward. Jason must’ve heard Bryant say, “Heyward, ya plow me?”
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .320. The best thing about any catcher having a great year is thinking about how many people are gonna be sucked in next year when they’re overrated.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.15. But his peripherals look good! *tiptoes out of the room, tiptoes into a room full of people who I told to pick up Mahle* Oh, hey, how’s it going? *dodges tomato* Ya know, you can dice that tomato up and put it on a T. Mahle. *runs out of the room*
Hunter Dozier – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .314. While the Christian Walkers of the world move back to Schmohawkia and Splitsville, Dozier keeps trucking. Maybe it’s all that speed around him.
Domingo German – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.43. The Regression Fairies were at the movies this weekend to see Booksmart (it was good, tee bee aitch); they call female manatees womanatees, and they will destroy your ratios.
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. It’s already paying off these new glasses he’s wearing, which turn every pitcher into an Oriole.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.09. First episode of Law & Order: Hate Crimes is going to just be me watching Happ destroy my fantasy team, then when he pitches well, he’s on my bench.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Speaking of guys I hate, Gibson up there in the pantheon of ratio killers. For weeks, it’s been like there’s a sign in front of Gibson’s bathroom that says, “Out of order, use Grey’s fantasy team.”
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .278. Put Rocco Baldelli in my OF slot, because he’ll prolly accumulate stats.
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks as he was activated from the IL. If he’s out there, I’d grab him in all leagues. Remember, he battled a similar injury last year, and returned with a 9 K/9, which led me to wanting him this preseason and now. Time is a flat circle, as long as his circle change isn’t flat.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 2 RBI and his 9th homer, hitting .294. Also, in this game, Hunter Pence (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. A Zombino and Seoul Train sounds like they’re doing another remake of Murder on the Orient Express.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .335. These are the original storyboards of The Noid sketched on the inside of a pizza box. I’m just going to let them air dry by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Trevor Story – 0-for-5, 5 Ks. As frequent commenter KrazyIvan wrote yesterday, “Trevor Story exemplifies being a baseball player in one weekend series: On Friday, he becomes the fastest shortstop to 100 home runs. On Sunday, he strikes out 5 times to worst pitching staff in baseball.”
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5 and a slam (21) and legs (10), hitting .325. Too bad Billy Martin’s dead, he would’ve confiscated Yelich’s bat and X-ray’d just to mess with him, but then we’d at least get to see what is inside his bat. I have an idea. Inside Yelich’s bat is a miniature Barry Bonds swinging a bat, and inside Bonds’s miniature bat is Hank Aaron swinging a bat, and inside that bat is Babe Ruth swinging a bat, and inside that is Abner Doubleday hitting the real inventor of baseball over the head and taking credit for baseball.
Ben Gamel – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, as he hit leadoff. Counsell takes a pencil, twists his body into his patented bizarre stance, and makes out the lineup card any way he wants, because the Brewers are gonna hit a ton of homers no matter what.
Hernan Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (3), hitting .250. He got the start over Hiura, because* *See Gamel’s blurb 1/8th of an inch above.
Brandon Woodruff – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.22. On this Memorial Day, let’s take a moment to remember the one fantasy baseball ‘pert who told you to draft Brandon Woodruff. Me. Now let’s take a moment and remember how Rudy told you not to and said I didn’t account for Woodruff’s 2018 relief innings even though in my preseason rankings I said, “I’m actually impressed with my own self-restraint that I didn’t rank Woodruff in the top 10 overall. Quickly, some wonderful: His K/9 was 10, he throws 95 MPH, his walk rate is barely 3 (only when rounding up) and his xFIP was 3.36. Now, for the cherry on top, he had a 53.1% ground ball rate. That’s just barely out of the top ten for starters. It’s mostly coming off his 95 MPH fastball. So, Ks and ground balls? Dude, when do we go to Vegas and get married? Yes, I’m married already and not gay, but why are we letting these things stand in our way? I like that Woodruff! WUT. He could be a top 20 starter. That sentence is drool-worthy, because I wrote it with drool hanging from my mouth. So, what’s the down side?! He had a 2.03 ERA (2.34 xFIP) and 11.5 K/9 as a reliever, and 6.32 ERA (5.10 xFIP), 7.5 K/9 as a starter.” And that’s me quoting me! His peripherals this year are 10.5 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.45 xFIP and chef’s kiss.
Patrick Corbin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Ya know what’s nice? When good pitchers pitch well against terrible teams. Seems so obvious.
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.18. Now it becomes a battle with myself not to fall in love with this Streamboat. Luckily, Streamonator hates his next start, which makes things easier.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .303. Honestly, I might need to stop mentioning Kendrick when he does something, because it’s depressing that I own like five other Nats hitters, and Kendrick outperforming them singlehandedly.
Caleb Smith – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.05. The Regression Fairies can eat a bag of d*cks. Regression Fairies, “As long as that’s not ducks, sign us up.”
Justin Turner – 5-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .304. Turner got five slap hits yesterday, imitating Ike. Ya know, just like Andrelton. Ike as in International Known Extra-terrestrial. Wait, what Ike did you think I meant?
Joc Pederson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Just went to look at the AB/HR leaderboard to see if Pederson was leading. Nope, but he’s 2nd (behind Yelich). He’s also top 40 for BB/K.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .319, and his 2nd homer in four games. Might be a hot schmotato, but likely just a cyclops’ing is warranted. I do love that after he hits a home run, he screams, “I’m Reynolds, and that’s a wrap!”
Kyle Seager – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I just finished my book, ‘If I Did It: What Happened to Gary’s Lunch.'”
Fernando Rodney – Designated for assignment. If this is the end of the road for Rodney, I’d bet he goes on to win multiple imaginary archery trophies.
Josh Phegley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .281. Nothing Phegley about that Josh.
John Ryan Murphy – Designated for assignment. Well, we know now what was the inciting incident for the murder spree.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .274. “Some joker drafted Ketel Marte and Tommy La Stella at the 1st/2nd round turn, so I was able to get Jose Ramirez and Giancarlo. Haha, what a dope…” Two months later, “….I am.”
Luke Weaver – Left with forearm tightness. As guests carry on their conversations at a Memorial Day BBQ, a Luke Weaver owner chugs a beer, then lights a cigarette and climbs the stairs of a diving board. Takes a moment, surveying the crowd, then he cannonballs into the pool like Bill Murray in Rushmore.
Mike Yastrzemski – 3-for-4, 1 run, as he was called up by the Giants. He’s 28 years old. Why are even Giants rookies old? I get the sense that they might not exactly know what they’re doing. Mike Yastrzemski becomes the first grandchild of a Triple Crown winner to play in the MLB. The only previous one to even play in the minor leagues was John Elway whose dad was sired by 1937 winner, War Admiral.