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First off, it was against the Tigers. Let’s be clear here — hey, I’m a poet and aware of it! — the Tigers are laughably bad. Yet, again with some stank, YET! Kyle Hendricks (8 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.27) looked fix. Hendfixed? Hmm, will work on that. Kyle Whenfixed? Okay, they’re getting worse. He(ndricks) had a season-high 30 called strikes and the most called strikeouts (7) by a pitcher in the majors this year. He looked exactly like what we expect from him, just hitting the same outside corner, over and over and, well, you know. Call him Dutchboy because he was just painting! Also, the good news gets gooder (better?) the digger you deep–Uh oh, GreyBot3000 is breaking down, must recharge…*fills mouth with boba*…Let’s go! Hendricks’s ‘luck’ should continue to get better too. Terrible BABIP of .338, when his career high is .296, which was way back in 2015. His home runs are also out of control for his career, and, brucely, for the entire league. There’s no way he’s dealing with a deadened ball and giving up his worst number home runs, unless his command is bad, and it was. Until yesterday. It looks like the Hendfixed might be in. By the way, saw Ryan Hendrix pitch yesterday, and how many goddamn ways are they going to spell that last name? Hendrickx is next. Only requirement is you have to pitch and have an Irishy first name (Kyle, Ryan, Liam). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ian Happ – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Margaret, your silence about Jim eating my apple is telling.”
Hunter Strickland – Acquired by the Angels. Shouldn’t be long before Strickland is beating on the door of high leverage situations.
Dylan Bundy – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.02. “We know Ohtani can hit every day, but have we tried to pitch him every day?” That’s an Angels fan, dressed as Joe Maddon, sneaking into a team Zoom call.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. When Eovaldi was getting hit early, I wrote, “Welp, they can’t all work out. Life’s too short in shallower leagues, and, while it’s nice Eovaldi’s not giving up big home runs, or any home runs, but he’s getting singled to death, which sounds like a true crime podcast about a stripper who met an untimely demise. D Is For Denise’s Demise? I’d subscribe.” And that’s me quoting Early Grey with the tea! After the game, Late Grey sighs. Streamonator loves Eovaldi’s next start, so I’m trying one more.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .278. His name is Rafael, and he likes to watch TV. If you get the reference, you get an extra pat on the back.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he beat my Matt Barnes (1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.66). Not sure where Ohtani was raised, but didn’t anyone ever teach him to let Barnes shut the door.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.02. He’s thrown a massive number of stinkers, so he was due for a good one, or. Dot dot dot. He’s actually much better than his 5.02 ERA? Bzzt, wrongo. It was the first option.
David Dahl – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer this week, and I swear I am looking to see if he’s getting hot, but lukewarm at best.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.32. Kyle Gibson’s gonna be selected for the All-Star Game and I will cackle until I’m carted away in a strait jacket.
Jose Urquidy – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Not kidding when I say at some point every single starter will be on the IL for one reason or another, aside from maybe three starters. Gerrit Cole and Trevor Bauer feel like two, then a wild card. If only more guys went to UCLA.
Luis Garcia – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Picture a Trojan Horse with Soul Glo. That’s Luis Garcia. Just rocking the drip and is such a workhorse.
Bryce Harper – Was out yesterday, due to his shoulder, then entered the game late because Scott Kingery looked like he was on a Merry-Go-Round in right field, but Harper seemed to not be able to swing the bat, which is really awesome. *swallows cyanide and waits patiently for the end*
Nick Maton – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (2), hitting .316. No idea if he’ll be playing in the Phils’ next game (he backs up Didi), but yesterday goes a long way to a hot schmotato. Also, on a side note, Danny Jansen can’t hit, and he can’t throw either. A double threat! Yesterday, the Phils stole five bases, and Brad Miller bagged two, who’s about as spry as Barney Miller.
Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .269. Best Semien blast since my Daddy conceived me! *thrown up against a wall* What’s going on here? “We’re the Cancel Police, and you’ve been cancelled.” NOOO!!!
Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. You ever say his name like Boba Chette, and start slurping? Maybe it’s me.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Can the Jays always play in minor league parks? Sure, Vlad, the Mini Impala, can hit it out of any park, but these parks are hilariously launch pad-y.
Aaron Hicks – Hit the IL with a wrist sprain. Ryan LaMarre (0-for-3) was promoted. Clap your hands, everybody, and everybody clap your hands! We’re Lambda Lambda Lambda and… Omega Mu! Tell ’em, LaMarre! LaMarre will likely platoon with Brett Gardner, and LaMarre has good speed, but a noodle for a bat. I was going to jokingly say Miguel Andujar (1-for-4) could play outfield, until I saw, he actually played left field yesterday. Good thing the Yanks got rid of Tauchman.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .193. After I told you Gary was a buy low, he’s raised his average 20 points, and has hit three homers. Also, this came after I picked him up. The jinx is lifted!
Clint Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. That Big Red freshness!
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .298. The Judge says objection to Judge overruled! You may ask your question. “Will Judge stay healthy for more than 100 games?” Okay, not that one.
Domingo German – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Orioles struggled to get any good auf wieder-swings off German, and no goodbyes you would think would keep them in contact if you had the simplest understanding of German, but let’s pretend we don’t.
Brady Singer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Pretty sure I lost about seven wins yesterday to bullcrappens.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. Wanna do a horny? Think about rostering only Giants and Marlins starters.
Huascar Ynoa – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.02. The Regression Fairies stayed in Sunday for a Real Housewives marathon, and crushed Ynoa’s ratios! I told you to Sell him on Friday, or Wednesday, if you’re a Patreon subscriber.
Ian Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.20 vs. Brian Anderson – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.450. Ian Anderson good, cold Ian Anderson bad. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .258. Can’t believe he’s out-homering Juan Soto. I’m dying for offense so bad and all I drafted was offense. Assuage my pain, you bastards!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .222. Feels greedy to complain, but that .222 average is really a drag, man.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.40. He was relieved by the best bullpen in the majors, and they looked like the worst. J.P. Feyereisen? Does J.B. Wendleken know his old timey business rival J.P. Feyereisen is pitching for the Brewers? Get your tonic out here, J.P.!
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.80. As Joe walks in, the hotel receptionist screams to him, “Hey, phone call!” Head down, still upset about the game, Joe takes the phone, “Hello?” “It’s your brother, Tyson, and I don’t want you being gloomy about this start. You hear me? Because it wasn’t just this start, Joe, you simply SUCK!” Joe groans to the hotel receptionist, “No more phone calls from my brother.”
Carson Kelly – Hit the IL with a fractured toe, which is described in medical journals as T/OE. Kelly is optimistic he’ll only miss 10 days. We shall see. Or not! Your choice. In his place should be Daulton Varsho. *trolly bells, honking sounds* Boys and five girls, we have a pickup.
Michael Conforto – Him and McNeil both left the game with tight hamstrings. I prefer loose porkrope. But I’m built different. Lately, McNeil’s struggled to stay on the field, dealing with fatigue and dehydration, too. Get my man some Pedialyte, or leave him in the Wrigley Field warning track, so he can get some IV.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.72. He strutted after his one K. I wonder if Stroman and Ozuna give each other tips on their respective K strut and HR posing. If only it inspired them to do those things more often.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .195. Brandon’s average can’t get much Lowe-r. Hashtag nailed it! High five me! Elbow bump? No? Okay.
Manuel Margot – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .237. Prepare to have your mind blown! Manuel Margot looks just like 50 Cent; Eminem discovered 50 Cent, and Manuel Margot’s initials are M & M. WUT!
Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.45. Through three innings on Saturday, he allowed two hits, had one walk and two Ks, guess how many pitches he has thrown to that point? 62! Yo, Paddack, if you ain’t striking out everyone, just throw to contact. Eff me, dude, this guy’s become the bane of my existence. I’m like Greta Thunberg, and Paddack is a plastic bottle stuck in a dolphin’s blowhole.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Can’t believe I was able to win at auction the actual feather Yankee Doodle Dandy stuck in his cap and called macaroni. I’m just going to haphazardly put it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.45, and his 1st save on Saturday. And we have another changing of the guard in a bullpen. I get the sense that people have reached the point where they’re like, “Meh, who gives an eff about a new closer?” Well, I’ll tell you who gives an eff, this guy with two thumbs pointing at himself! I grabbed Robles in a few leagues, and that will 100% work out great. Don’t try to tell me different.
Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.26. Been telling people in comments to move on, but it’s time to formerly announce, Maeda looks busted. He’s not being unlucky, something’s wrong. From the looks of it, his 4-seamer is garbage this year, and he’s throwing it a lot, because he can’t throw his (now) flat curve and slider. Maybe it’s the seams? Sequencing? I don’t know, tee bee aitch. But you can go down with the ship, or choose life. With all that said, his velocity is comparable to past years, so I might say he’s fixed at some point.
Max Kepler – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .212. He was starting to heat up towards the end of last week, and now he’s in Max overdrive.
Tejay Antone – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.08 and the save. Member when I told you a few weeks ago not to spend too much early FAAB on closers because there’s a new one every week? Yeah, pretty much. Antone’s likely rostered in most leagues already, but he seems to have the Reds closer job now. Wanna know how stupid MLB managers are? Think about how long it took David Bell to figure out Antone is his best arm. Six weeks. That is massively stupid.
Shane Bieber – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.17. Yo, Biebs got worked by the Mariners? What, too much Marmolejos? A Torrens of Donovan Walton? Swear, I didn’t make up any of those names.
Cole Irvin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Streamonator hates his next start, and I’d be hesitant too, but also would struggle not starting him. Also, Hesitant Struggle would make for a good rap album name.
Jake Diekman – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.57, as he entered the 8th inning. Still so funny to me I traded Diekman for Moncada, and the person tried to throw at me Moncada’s ranking in Yahoo.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. I’m ready for Pab-Lo to head back to Me-ah-me. Enough of this West Coast swing shizz.
Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 8th steal, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When I said, ‘Your Subway sandwich is ass,’ I wasn’t being rude, I was being factual. I sat on it earlier, and was trying to warn you.”
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Corey Seager – Hit the IL with a fractured hand. More like Corey Maim. He’s been felled, man! Will Seager be singing, “Aight moves,” about his hand in four weeks? Six weeks? Eight weeks? When he returns, is he 100%? Does his hand hinder him? Questions without answers, which sounds like a Peter Gabriel song. Filling in for Seager, will likely be some combination of Sheldon Neuse and Lux with Muncy moving to 2nd base some days, unless…
Albert Pujols – Signed a one-year deal with the Dodgers to play shortstop, of course. Even Adrian Gonzalez laughs at this. Elias Sports Bureau says Albert Pujols becomes the 1st player who can’t out-run his manager. Would be kinda cool if Albert Pujols does one of those honorary retirement tours around the league, accepting a car, some swag, and a one-year contract — one team each year, ending in San Diego in 2051. Just go up the coast, around the northern border and back down the other side.
Yoshi Tsutsugo – Signed with the Dodgers. Wait until the Dodgers hear the universal DH isn’t in play this year. Like, what even? Waiting to hear: The Dodgers have signed 1st baseman, Randy Quaid. He has no real baseball experience, but his brother played a baseball player about 15 years ago. Tsutsugo? Only logical explanation is the Dodger’s ownership has a new member, Phil Collins.
