Troy Tulowitzki left Saturday’s game after colliding with Pillar. That was the same way Julius Caesar hurt himself, forcing him out of baseball and into ruling. Crazy what the stadiums were made of that the Romans used to play in. Alas, as Caesar said, “Rome wasn’t built in a day. Those roads over there took seven months! Freakin’ teamsters.” The MRI on Tulo’s ribs and back came back negative, though it was as in: Doctor, “Can you move?” Tulo, “Negative, Doc.” Because what the MRI originally failed to mention was his cracked shoulder blade. He won’t be shaving with that shoulder blade anytime soon! Or possibly playing baseball for two to three weeks, according to the Blue Jays. Ryan Goins is Goins to fill-in, and that’s the Blue Jays’ shortstop comings and Goins! Stay tuned for more fantasy news and reborts coming up after the break. Offscreen voice, “It’s reports, not reborts, you jackass.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. He didn’t look terrible. Well, if that ain’t a ringing endorsement, call me Charlie and bang on my hatch hole. Yeah, I’ve seen better. Well, if that ain’t sweet music as played by Steven Souza, I don’t know what is! Stroman looked okay. Well, if that– Okay, I’ll stop now. Stroman did better than I thought in his first start back, but still not so good. Outside of keepers, I’d consult with the Stream-o-Nator on him.
Edwin Encarnacion – Aggravated an old finger injury on Saturday and sat out on Sunday. I smell a cortisone shot coming on!
Ivan Nova – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Nova reminds me of the David Spade joke that pissed off Eddie Murphy. This, kids, is a falling star.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Since I went for sushi yesterday for lunch and TBS was airing the Yankee game, the sushi chef TV was turned to the game to watch Tanaka. I don’t know the exact count, but Tanaka went to everything but the fastball. Then you factor in his opponent, Dickey (7 2/3 IP, 5 ER), and I’ve never seen a game like it before. It was like a championship Wiffle Ball matchup. It looked like Tanaka could get away with never throwing a fastball (due to his tendon), but he is going to be susceptible to his control.
Brandon Crawford – His calf is improving and there’s a chance he could return shortly. Or be preparing veal.
Hunter Pence – Will hit off a tee today. Just in time for the 2015 T-Ball Championships being held in Teaneck, New Jersey!
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks and pitchslapped Otispunkmeyer Despaigne for his 2nd homer of the year. Leake’s got a long way to go to get to Bumgarner in the power department, but I’d still take Bumgarner and Leake over Bogaerts and Alex Rios for power.
Yasiel Puig – Yet to resume activities. Puig is still finding his way around LinkedIn, making a resume will have to wait. “This is the button I press so everyone in my contacts gets a notification from LinkedIn every time I update anything? Well, I want that!” That’s apparently everyone who’s ever been on LinkedIn.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 1.61 and notched his 17th win. Greinkes! My glasses! That ERA is so low I can’t see it without my glasses!
J.D. Martinez – 5-for-9, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Hunh. Just Dong just dongn’t.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs. Can I draft Lindor for 2016 right now? I’m just all googly-eyed over him!
Trevor Bauer – 3 IP, 6 ER. The only thing that’s surprising is you haven’t figured out yet that you can’t start him anywhere.
Johnny Cueto – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Thus ends the story of why every preseason I tell you that, when in doubt, draft NL pitchers.
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-4 and two solo homers (13, 14). You know what Schoop rhymes with? Dope. Si or no? Sorry, I’ve been watching Narcos non-stop for three days.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. That was how many homers I wanted from him to not feel like I got gypped out of a decent season. Well, I’m reneging on that like he reneged on 1st round value. Get me 30 homers, puto! Yeah, definitely too much Narcos.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 42nd homer. Didn’t MLB ban anyone from using that number?
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67. You in September, “I should’ve drafted Anthony DeSclafani instead of Phil Hughes.” You in March, “Should I draft Hughes or some guy I’ve never heard of by the name of DeScla…Oh, forget it, I’m not even going to try to pronounce it.”
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 33rd homer. JB, Sky and I do a mock 2016 draft on the podcast that’s coming later today and someone takes Frazier in the 2nd round. Find out who! Or don’t. Your call.
Matt Holliday – Will be activated in the upcoming series in Milwaukee. Cardinals GM John Mozeliak said he will be an everyday player. Holliday, not Mozeliak. I don’t know how much I believe Holliday will stay on the field, but I’d own him until Holliday took his next, uh, holiday.
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 4th steal, hitting .330 through 49 games. That’s not a typo. Steel is a metal, steal is– Oh, the .330 was not a typo either. How’s he doing it? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.96. I can see the NLCS now. “Wacha winds up and the pitch to Harvey…Oh, my God, Wacha’s arm fell off…And Harvey swings and both of his arms fall off! Oh God, make it stop! But if it doesn’t stop, let me remind viewers of the upcoming DraftKings contest.”
Mark Canha – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer on Saturday. I’d say that’s still orange on the schmotato scale.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homers. I’m not a fan of the el oh el. I think it makes grown men sound like they’re 13-year-olds, but after Beltre didn’t do anything for an entire season, and then I say to drop him on Friday, well, el effin oh effin’ el. Joke’s on me, Jack!
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .259. I just thought of a call-and-answer chant for Rangers games. Half the stadium yells, “Shin-Soo Choo!” And the other half of the stadium answers with, “God bless you!” Could someone make this happen?
Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. For those wondering about him for next year, he’s only 21 years old. Well, hello there!
Starling Marte – Scratched the past two days with a stomach bug. Someone fumigate his stomach and get him back on the field. I need stats!
Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.45, which is “she” on a calculator upside-down and she, whoever she may be, has likely pitched better than Liriano since the All-Star break, because he’s terrible. In most leagues, I’d look 3573where.
Khris Davis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. If it wasn’t for his knee injury earlier this year, he’d be passing 30 homers and everyone would be talking about his breakout. Even my dentist? No, not him, Random Italicized Voice. The guy outside my window that’s muttering to himself about Armenians? Okay, not everyone will be talking about it.
Jason Rogers – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Damn, now I know why Toronto named its ballpark after him.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals (23, 24). Now has four steals this past week. I love when guys try to win back my love. Keep it going, Segura!
Jorge Soler – Was going to be activated on Tuesday, but now is staying with the Cubs High-A team as it makes its way through the playoffs. Doesn’t this seem like cheating? Shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that if a guy has more than 100 ABs with the major league club they’re not eligible to help a High-A team in the playoffs? This is like when your Little League team tried to “sign” that 19-year-old that just got out of juvie.
Roenis Elias – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Great, fabulous, adjective, but it was against a road Rockies team. As I’d start any and every hitter in Coors, I’d start every starter against a road Rockies team. It seems goofy, but Coors really makes that much of a difference. At home, the Rockies have the best OPS in the majors. On the road, the worst.
James Paxton – 3 IP, 2 ER. Okay, smart aleck, but this was more or less a rehab start, since he hadn’t thrown in a game since May, i.e., you should not own him outside of keepers.
Bryce Harper – Came out of yesterday’s game after colliding with Dietrich at 2nd base. Nats are saying the removal from the game was precautionary. Later, Harper said, “I thought Dietrich was a wall. I never would’ve collided with him if I knew he was movable.”
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. He’s now up to 231 strikeouts, putting him fourth in the majors behind Kershaw, Sale and Archer. Fun fact! Scherzer suffers from heterochromia, which means he has two different color eyes. This allows him to see in 3D without the glasses.
Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. I severely question the need for J-Fer to return this year for the Marlins, but I don’t question owning him if he is indeed starting. Hopefully, he gets to the end of the year with his elbow, shoulder and forearm intact. Otherwise, the city of Miami will have to pay for another surgery for him. “Guys, I’m flat broke.” That’s Loria with his pockets turned inside out as he steps out of his Lamborghini.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks as he returned to the rotation. He’ll now get the Yankees next Saturday at home, assuming Terry Collins doesn’t take out his bowling pins that feature the Mets pitchers’ faces on them and start juggling again.
Yoenis Cespedes – Hit his 34th homer on Saturday, then had a day of rest on Sunday. Geez, his hitting has been heaven-sent, but talk about a God complex.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. This was his third homer in the past ten games. He now has 7 homers in 40 games, and he’s only 22 years old. When it rains, it pours in Flushing. At least I hope that’s rain.
Arodys Vizcaino – Looked like the dog’s breakfast on Friday and Saturday, but then his replacements, Peter Moylan and Ryan Kelly, looked about as well as two guys that sound like they should be tending bar in an Irish pub could look. Vizcaino is likely still the closer, but if a team never wins, does anyone care? Ooh, a philosophical question.
Adonis Garcia – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a home run on Saturday. Small schmotato, but likely will continue to platoon, and he really just brings some Maas appeal.
Chris Sale – 3 IP, 6 ER vs. Kyle Gibson 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. This matchup was billed as, “Watch as Sale vs. Gibson illustrates how unfair H2H playoffs are.” That matchup sounds like it has a bone to pick. I don’t want you monkey-fighting motherfudgers sittin’ in my throne again! Who’s bad? Sale was bad!
Carlos Gomez – Missed yesterday’s game with an intercostal injury. The long national nightmare of owning Gomez has just reached its nadir. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Astros rest him for the better part of the rest of the season. Not that he was good coming into today, but now you really need to look elsewhere in redraft leagues.
Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.67 vs. Andrew Heaney 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.32. This matchup made me laugh (not laugh). How are either of these guys so far below the league average for ERA? I don’t think I’ve started either of these guys at any time and have come away unscathed. A’la George Costanza, “I’m scathed, Jerry!”
C.J. Cron – 2-for-3 and two solo homers (13, 14). Okay, I don’t want to belabor The Sciosciapath’s Sciosciapathology, but the fact that Cron didn’t play the first half of the year and was sent down is enough reason for Scioscia to be fitted for a straitjacket. The only concession I’m willing to make at this point is allowing a rally monkey to be stitched on said straitjacket.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 6 ER. But he looked good in the minors!
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Red Sox. He’s now alternated terrific start with terrible start like a microcosm of Saberhagenmetrics. That’s about as ancedotal as you can get for analysis, and the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, but tell me you’re starting him without trepidation.
Clay Buchholz – Red Sox said he could return this season. That seems absurd since he’s simply playing catch at this point. Maybe Travis Shaw has been getting too much sun and they need Buchholz to return with the suntan lotion.
David Ortiz – Rested yesterday, but hit two homers on Saturday, including his 500th homer. “I have no doubt I’ll be going to the Hall of Fame now.” That’s Fred McGriff, who works part-time as Ortiz’s chauffeur.
Rich Hill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. After the game, Rich Hill showed his documentary he made to help expose poverty in rural America. Big Papi said, “After seeing Rich Hill, I want to adopt a poor white boy from Missouri.”