Yard Byron Buxton, known for such classic poems as Don Juan Soto, She Walks In Beauty But Buxton Doesn’t Walk, and Fare Thee Well, a poem about Baby Jessica, was a classic poet during the Romantic movement. Yard Byron would say, “That blows,” and women would say, “That’s so romantic.” If they were being sarcastic, it’s news to Yard Byron. The Yard once said, “I was thunder-stroke recently, until I realized it was Miguel Sano standing on my foot.” Oh, Yard Byron, you are so witty! So, last night, Yard Byron Buxton was more than just witty, he was *sorry* hitty. He went 3-for-5 with his 4th homer and 5th homer, hitting .298, and now has four homers in the last week, and it shows you how quick someone can turn their season around when the season is a blink. Last week, Buxton was droppable; now he’s a top 20 outfielder. That doesn’t blow, and is romantic. Thank you, Yard Byron, and kudos to taking Yardley yard, Yard. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .137. Kinda hoping Sano hits higher than .150 this year, but, honestly, if I had to choose between 15 HRs with .150 average and 7 HRs and .270, let me see your da-da-da-dongs.
Eric Lauer – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 12.54. Lauer just didn’t have it today. It was a shameful affair.
Tony Gonsolin – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, as he was recalled from the alternate training site, where they teach you how to touch your ankles by bending over backwards. Gonsolin was pumping 95 MPH fastballs, and has an elite splitter, that could, on its own, be his only pitch it’s such a sparkler. Obviously he needs to be able to go 5+ IP to have real value in shallower leagues, but Streamonator loves his next start and I could see the stream, assuming the Dodgers keep in him the rotation, which is far from a guarantee.
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-5, and his 5th homer, hitting .246. I’ve decided I lov32eloya–Sorry, was wearing an Eloy #1 foam finger, not advisable while typing.
Tim Anderson – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .385. He was a double short of the cycle, which you can buy at Camping World. MLB with the big name sponsors!
Matthew Boyd – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 10.24. Boyd is the best pitcher for fantasy baseballers who like their pitchers to have great stuff and poor results.
Willi Castro – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Willi, who dropped the E for excellent, went 11/17/.301 in Triple-A last year, and has some speed, if nothing else. Might be a decent AL-Only pickup while C.J. Cron’s out.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer. Don’t come for the 1927 Tigers’ lineup! (By the way, the 1927 Tigers were actually decent with Charlie Gehringer and Rip Collins, who later made it easy on the engravers who were doing his tombstone.)
Justin Verlander – Hopes to resume throwing this weekend. Crazy that a guy with his long of achievements needs a resume.
Roberto Osuna – Dusty says Osuna could return this season. I’m guessing Dusty expects this season to go on for 14-18 months.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. HR to the Izzo!
Kris Bryant – 1-fo-5 and his 2nd homer. Watch him get hot after I say this, but this guy is so yawnstipating.
Nate Pearson – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.11. I’m just going to leave my grape soda on the counter of this caliphate bar and grill and head to the bathroom. Back in three shakes…*two hours later*…whoa, I must’ve fell asleep–Hey, is that guy using my lower intestine as a phone cord? AHHHH!!! Roofie!
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-6 and his 5th homer. Wouldn’t be surprised if Buffalo plays like Coors. “Runs right through you” means multiple things with Coors, but here I mean offense. That stadium, man and five womans, is just silly. Anyone who tells you it’s totally normal hasn’t seen a home run pulled by a righty. The ball goes bye-bye quick-fast.
Bo Bichette – 5-for-5, 3 runs, and a slam (4) and double legs (3, 4). I’m going to try to remember at the end of the season to subtract this game from Bichette’s final line and see how far he falls in the overall shortstop ranks. My guess is just this one game will move Bichette at least three spots in a 60-game season.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, as he hits third which is in itself one of the funniest I’ve ever heard.
Danny Jansen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. More like Buffalo Wild Swings!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, and his 2nd homer. If the Home Run Derby was in Buffalo, Vlad Jr. would hit 500 homers in three minutes.
Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Romano throws cheese! High five me! What? No? Okay. Romano would be my choice for the new Jays’ closer. Will he get the job? No clue, but he should. Bass is cooked, and you can’t put cheese on him.
Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .229. Albombso!
Dominic Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .243. Dom-Smit, as no one has ever called him, was on every ball yesterday. Prolly platoons still, but he is the DH the Mets should have there every game.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .423. Sexy Dr. Pepper is so beautiful, even the way he takes a pitch. True story alert! When they call a number at the deli and it’s not mine, I do the Juan Soto taking a pitch shuffle.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .304. Castro is in about the best place to get fantasy value — hitting third for Nats in front of Sexy Dr. Pepper — and is free in trades or off waivers.
Aaron Judge – Out because of lower body tightness. Not sure if that’s better than upper body tightness with him. He looks pretty evenly split, and it’s a lot either way.
Clint Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer in his 1st start in five years. Okay, not that long, but it emphasizes my point. What also emphasizes my point is that Aaron Boone didn’t even let Frazier play the whole game, pulling him for Tauchman. Worth the flyer though, indeed.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .104. About only thing he hits are home run balls and pants balls.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Will miss through the weekend with a sore wrist. *Tommen falling out window GIF*
Johan Camargo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in last three games. Camargoadams ain’t chicken, but Wade Boggs would eat him like he was.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Okay, now he’s pissing me off. I started him last start, and bazinga, then I don’t start him here and wowzinga. Get your zingas in order!
Austin Nola – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .294. Not saying he’s better than the catcher you have, but he prolly is.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Yesterday, I said hot schmotato alert. Today, I say dur. Tomorrow, who knows?
Brad Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Would it surprise you to hear Keller is not a 0.00 ERA pitcher? Well, surprise!
Matt Olson – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .149. Okay, the average isn’t there, but at least he’s dipping his head in the water and pulling out dongs. The average has been down all around the league. Member when I had a conspiracy theory during the 1st week of the season saying Manfred prolly put lead in the baseball to reduce offense and make the games quicker, because he just wants playoffs and nothing else? Well, I did. There’s more info coming out that indicates I might not be as “crazy as the guy on Ancient Aliens.” Fenway, Citi Field and T-Mobile all installed humidors this offseason without telling anyone. Seriously.
Robbie Grossman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (4), hitting .311. You don’t even want to know where Grossman is on the Player Rater. Seriously, don’t look. Is the reverse psychology working? Does asking that reverse the reverse psychology? Does asking ‘does asking that reverse the reverse psychology’ reverse the reverse reverse psychology?
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .224. Wonder if Piscotty knows I had briefly forgotten he still plays. Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.42 vs. Griffin Canning – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.42. A matchup of Bassitt/Canning and it turned into dog sh*t. Like a manufacturer of plastics, I was out on Canning for a while. Since he had elbow troubles back in March, I never was interested in him again.
Andrelton Simmons – Could return this weekend. From where?! We demand answers!
Mike Trout – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. We were avoiding him during the 2nd draft season because his wife was going to have a baby. I will now cackle until I cry.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and third homer in three games and seventh homer in the last two games. Rendon’s back, appizzarently. Would be nice to see him hit a little bit of a higher average than Miguel Sano. “Hey, man, you can’t say pizza then my name, I got blue balls of the mouth.” Sorry, Miguel Sano.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Don’t fear the Orioles in fantasy. Rio Ruiz (4th homer); Chance Sisco (2nd homer, hitting .381); Hanser hitting .342. I know, this makes no sense. But we’re wearing 6-foot-long ten-gallon hats so we can social distance, what makes sense?
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .369. Also, in this game, Ketel Marte went 2-for-4, 2 runs, with 1 Ron Ben-Israel, hitting .338. Super Marte Bros sent into the sewers of Colorado to inspect for turtles, and what they found was Willians Astudillo clogged the drain. Damn it, Astudillo!
Nick Ahmed – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Hey, it’s Dr. Nick! Hey, Dr. Nick!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Been saying to pick up Calhoun for a while, but you have real noodles in your cranium to not own everyone in Coors. Though, Eduardo Escobar is trying to prove that wrong.
Antonio Senzatela – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. Senzetela makes me hungry for an Italian steak dish.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Damn, I ripped my feather pillow and will have to go to the laundromat to have it sewn, but first I will haphazardly put it by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado! Guess I will have to go outside to gather all those feathers. I don’t have my key, but this door that locks automatically left ajar should be fine—NOOOO!!! Another Torenado!
Ryan McMahon – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. About time he was less Wince McMahon and more Inject-into-my-vein McMahon.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.08. He threw 70 pitches yesterday, also known as a “1-2-3 inning from Nolan Ryan.”
Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Okay, about what I said earlier in this post. Apparently, the humidors were turned to blow rather than suck. What’s an opposite humidor called? Dryerdor? Dumberdor? Thataintnodooritsawindow?
Andrew Benintendi – Hit the IL with after banging his ribcage. This is the first time all season he’s got a hit in the cage.