The other day the Astros signed the coveted Cuban refugee, Yulieski Gourriel. One time! Yulieski is as apple pie as a Canadian tenor group making a political statement during the All-Star Game. He’s 32 years old. If he went by YuGo, that would make him the newest car in Cuba. “Bueno Model T, amigo! Now, tell me about this Ford Taurus I hear so much about.” You know who a 32-year-old Cuban immediately reminds me of? Hector Olivera and Alex Guerrero. Sloppy comparison maybe. Hey, that gives me an idea. Whenever doing a sloppy comparison between players who just happen to be Cuban, we should call them Sloppy Jose’s. We need a similar term for when making a sloppy comparison between Japanese players; please suggest in the comments. As for Gourriel, yeah, I don’t see much here. I watched video of him, and he looks like a 15 HR, 6 SB, .260 hitter, which is Hector Olivera. I’m sorry, but those Sloppy Joses make sense sometimes. This Gourriel signing obviously delays Bregman’s arrival, so boo, you mothereffer, boo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .346. Lot of power from a tiny guy, until you realize he has super-robot strength because he’s a remake of Small Wonder.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam, hitting .212. Not bad for a guy that seemingly retired 18 months ago.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.25. He’s actually pitching slightly better this year, according to his strikeouts, though, um, yeah, not too many of us play in leagues with one category.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .304. Was announced Valencia will see a reduced amount of playing time with Ryon Healy (1-for-4, homered on Saturday) called up, but Valencia may only be playing for the A’s for a few more days, since he’s a hot commodity on the trade market. Speaking of which, what a pee-poor trading market. As for Healy, Ralph in his top rookies of the 2nd half, said about Healy, “Should provide a little pop, with average and on base. He’s shown the ability to do all three the last two and a half seasons across three levels. Though I wouldn’t expect the slugger we saw in AA early this term. In unrelated news, Grey sucks balls.” Hey! What’s that all about?
Rich Hill – Left his start with a blister on his pitching hand. “Dave Stewart, did you know that blisters contain whispers? Here…” Changes voice to sound pipsqueaky, “This is Rich Hill’s blister talking and I really want to play in Arizona. Maybe we can work out a deal for Jake Lamb?”
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .237. “No, Dave Stewart, we’re not going to throw in Semien.” Listens, then, “You’re not talking about the player? Oh. You’re trying to have a baby? Hmm.”
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .239. Speaking of crap averages for ex-Rockies players, guess who goes to Coors today? And you know I just picked up Dickerson in every league I needed him.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 20th and 21st homers. Ah, the King of the Solo Homer strikes again. Next All-Star Game, I have a pregame activity, have runners on each base then let Longoria and Freeman bat to see who can hit the most sac flies. Nothing more exciting than a sac fly contest. Nothing.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Tillman’s having one of those seasons where you get to September, he has an ERA under 3.50 and you’re like, “Why again didn’t I own him all year? Hello, mirror reflection, answer me!”
Dylan Bundy – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER as he received a spot start. Bundy didn’t even last the five count.
Brad Miller – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .243. If he were to have one additional hit a week this year, he’d be hitting .285, and everyone would own him.* *No actual math done for this blurb, but the sentiment remains.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. I was thisclose to picking him up for yesterday’s game. One thing that stopped me, he wasn’t available on waivers. Next year, I’m playing in a one-person league with eleven fake email aliases like Snafu Larry.
Matt Shoemaker – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.08 vs. James Shields 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.10. This was a matchup hailed by fantasy baseballers pre-game as, “Oh, hell no, these guys killed me all year,” then was renamed after the game as, “Aw, c’mon, where the hell was that when I owned you?” As for The Cobbler, I said I’d own him two-plus months ago, and still would. As for Shields, he was facing the Ghost Bat Angels and I wouldn’t trust him.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .248. He might have a year here and there under 27 homers and 100 RBIs, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s like Ortiz, and rides a productive season into the sunset. Never bet against a Pujols. That’s also advice a toilet gave to his son.
Luis Perdomo – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 7.36. Fun fact! Perdomo is the town in Italy where that guy is from that is sleeping with your wife.
Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 Hit, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76, in his first start with the Padres. Well, pitching for the Padres won’t hurt, but Edwin needs a lot more than ‘won’t hurt’ to not hurt. You feel me? Okay, now stop. Seriously, that’s weird.
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. He went into the break with some hot schmotato action brewing in one of those 30-second Tasty videos, and it looks like he might be continuing it.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 4.05. Sung a’la Janis Joplin, “Samardzija is just another name for you’re starting him when you have nothing left to lose.”
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.64. Nooooooo! You let Samardzija sneeze on you!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 7.18. That’s a solid, great, adjective start! Do it again for another month and I’ll consider you.
David Price – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.36. God forbid any of my starters were to get a little momentum. Here’s to Price being the best pitcher from July 23rd forward.
Michael Fulmer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Taillon, Giolito, Glasnow, Urias, sexy pitching prospect, sexy pitching prospect, and Fulmer comes up and dominates. Yeah, you figure out pitching prospects.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .304. When I named him my sleeper of the year in the preseason *blows knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt, realizes there was ink on knuckles that is now on shirt, curses* I expected his power to mature, which it has, but I’m surprised by the average, but could see it ending closer to .275.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.97. Now has two Quality Starts in a row, and, not coincidentally, hasn’t tried to shank anyone in that time.
Tanner Roark – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Just think back to April when you were asking me if you should pick him up and I said, “Yes, my over-the-internet friend.” We’re moving towards August and Roark’s ERA is under 3.00. Mr. Roark’s on his own fantasy island this year.
Reynaldo Lopez – Will be called up by the Nats to start on Tuesday. He’s a big-time prospect with a mid-90s MPH fastball that can hit straight-boing type levels. So, why am I so ho-hum? I don’t want to be jaded, ya’ll! But is Dusty really going to start him more than once? I’d take a flyer, but expect nothing beyond a sport start. To read more, he was in Prospector Ralph’s top rookies for the 2nd half thing-a-ma-whatsie.
Daniel Murphy – Hit a home run yesterday as a pinch hitter, but hasn’t started with a hamstring injury that he sustained in the All-Star Game. Seeing his ex-manager, Terry Collins, must’ve caused a psychosoMetic injury.
Gregory Polanco – Still out with a hamstring injury that happened prior to the All-Star break. I’m all for joining hands in the form of a decagon and praying hard, but I think the DL writing is on the wall when a guy doesn’t get into an 18-inning game, so can we go ahead and DL him before Hurdle gets any stupid ideas about pinch-hitting with him and messing up the backdating of his DL stint?
Starling Marte – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (32). This seems kinda impossible when I put it this way, but if he reaches my 2nd half projections from my top 100, he’ll have a 15/48 season. Whoa.
Adam Frazier – 3-for-6, 1 run. With Polanco likely headed to the DL, Frazier should see more playing time, since no one in Pitt wanted to play Josh Bell. Frazier is a SAGNOF play. He had zero homers this year in the minors with 20 SBs.
Chad Kuhl – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Like this really great credit card I rang up $16,000 on, I have zero interest in Kuhl for these first few months.
Jameson Taillon – Will return to the rotation on Tuesday, after battling what the Pirates called shoulder fatigue, but I called “limiting innings on a young pitcher.” Tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Okay, I’m sold. What I now say about McCarthy is, ‘Commie get him!’
Clayton Kershaw – Has not ruled out returning next weekend. Wearing the crown was one thing, but now that he’s started ‘ruling’ on things, it’s a bit much, no?
A.J. Pollock – Cleared to hit off a tee and hopes to play this year. If he’s planning on playing in a T-ball game, I believe he will play this year. If he wants to play in the majors, he won’t be ready until September and then the out-of-contention Diamondbacks would have to be fools to let him play. Now that I put it that way, Pollock will likely play.
Jake Barrett – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save after Tyler Clippard got Kazaam’d all over his face with a 1/3 IP, 3 ER outing. J. Barrett is the weakest link on Bloodline — why does she have an English accent? No one argues with Coach Taylor with an English accent, ever! — whereas Jake Barrett could be the closer of the future, once the Diamondbacks realize they are playing for the future. Those hurting for saves, I’d grab Barrett.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .302. I souv-likey that Lamb so damb much!
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Does it feel like I only mention this guy when he pitches a good game, yet I don’t mention him that much? Put it together; his ERA is 4.49 with a 1.51 WHIP.
Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer this weekend. Hot schmotato alert!
Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He’s like Sabathia without the odd backstory told over a glass of milk with multiple apologies. The thought of Wainwright conjures up gumdrops and rainbow cobwebs shooting out of spider anuses as they pull down their Bermuda shorts, but the reality is Wainwright isn’t really that good anymore — under 7 K/9, 4+ xFIP. I’d use the Stream-o-Nator with him and not start him in every game.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.45. Is this the worst the Cardinals’ pitching has looked in decades? I think it might be. Dave Duncan is rolling over in his indoor/outdoor tent. Duncan likes to simulate camping in his living room. What?
John Lamb – 2 IP, 9 ER. If Mary had this Lamb, Mary would’ve followed Elliott Smith’s lead with a Ginsu.
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.07 vs. Zach Davies – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Both of these pitchers are the types to reward those in deep leagues where they have to start them, but, in shallower leagues where you have to pick and choose matchups, they will be nothing but trouble like that terrible movie that produced Tupac’s first appearance on a song.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Not saying I wouldn’t own him, but we both know he’s going to give up six earned the moment you trust him.
Yu Darvish – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks in his first start back from the DL. There’s one way to go K-put. Darvish reminds me of that awful(ly terrific) 90s movie, Threesome, where Lara Flynn Boyle says something like, “He’s terrific in the sack, for about two minutes at a time.” That’s Darvish.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. For people who know what xFIP is and do research on players, Hamels is likely not someone you want. However, if your research is who ESPN features in highlights and players you’ve heard of, Hamels is likely an ace in your eyes. This is a case where it would’ve paid to pay less attention.
Nomar Mazara – 0-for-3, hitting .231 in the month of July with zero homers. He has two homers, zero steals and a .254 average in the last 142 ABs across two months. Mazara’s gonna be a good one, but in redraft leagues, you can likely do better.
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Anyone else want to call him Naquin the Chef? Just me? Okay. Looks like Naquin took a hot bat into the break and came out the other side with that same hot bat. Yes, I’m sad Rajai went from a top 20 fantasy outfielder to a lefty platoon guy.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer. Ready to have your head explode like you have a watermelon for a head and Gallagher is nearby? On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Napoli is a top 50 overall player. That’s not for just hitters.
Josh Tomlin – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Right now, in that Scout league we sponsored in the preseason, I’m in 2nd and have started Tomlin just about the whole season. Tomlin’s the type of pitcher you will never tell anyone has been the reason your team is doing well, but he does help.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Yes, you should own him. Yes, right now. Why are you looking behind you? I’m talking to you.
Michael Conforto – Recalled from Triple-A Vegas, where he played The Price is Right slots at the airport and had to take pictures with a bachelorette party. I grabbed Conforto in one league where I really need an outfielder. How bad did I need an outfielder? I’m still rocking Rajai and had Tyler Collins.
Jacob deGrom – 9 IP, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.38. What kind of animal would I be to complain about a one-hitter since he only got seven Ks? A jackal because the Native American, Chief Cunning With The Ol’ Stereotype, said a jackal is a greedy animal? Fine, then, yes, I’m a jackal! A jackal who wants Ks!
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 and a slam (16) and legs (3). A jackal that would’ve loved to own Granderson instead of every hitter I did own. Was it me or was there no offense yesterday? I had a few 2-for-26’s going into the late games. Lowercase yay.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .267. Asdrubal has been almost exactly where the lines of meh, bleh and waiver wire fodder intersect.
Lucas Duda – Hoping to return to baseball activities soon. He said, “I can’t wait to spit and scratch myself in public again.”
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Damn, Gray is one sexy beast when he wants to be. Like when he wears that beret that angled just right makes it look like he has two mustaches. Oh, and Jon Gray is good too. Sometimes.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Videotape of this game was sent to all major league teams, then all major league teams met at the Padres’ front office, the only team still with a VCR.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-3, run and his 9th steal. As I said just before the break, it’s hard to know who’s going to be a hot schmotato coming out of the break due to the time off, but Inciarte has multiple hits in two of three games.
Arodys Vizcaino – Hit the DL with a “Jesus, can’t you stay healthy long enough for us to trade you?” Or, more commonly referred to as an oblique strain. “Our money” is on Jim Johnson to close. Our money is in quotes because that’s what fantasy sites write when there’s absolutely no one to blame when they’re wrong. Don’t you love that? “Our money” is on Keuchel being great. “Our money” is code for faceless advice from unknown sources. Any hoo! I’d guess Johnson will be the closer too, as I said on Friday in my Fantasy Baseball Buy. Mauricio Cabrera has the goods to close too. “Our money” says so.