Wolverine Slays Cubs

Brewers cook up one thing: Excellent starters. It’s how they produce those weak hops, Amber. Know what ales them? Nothing! No ups and downs for a yeast inflection. Oh, hey, Googler, glad you found us from your search, “How to make beer?” This is exactly going to help you, because when I stand at a urinal, “IPA…ay…..ay…Hold one second….ay…ay…” Okay, stop fooling, we’re here for Logan Henderson (5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.34), and can someone tell me what Christian Scott, Andrew Painter and anyone else who pitches has in common? If they were on the Brewers, they’d be aces. Here we go: Logan Henderson has 21 career starts and he hasn’t allowed more than three runs in any. That’s 2nd to start a career only Zac Gallen bests him (23). 15 whiffs, 54 swings (28%); one hard hit ball all night and only 11 batted balls; 95 pitches and 65 strikes (lots of foul balls). Three pitchers with the lowest starter ERA for this year and last year combined with a minimum of 100 IP: Ohtani, Schlittler and Henderson. Logan Henderson in 2027 won’t be drafted too high for me to get in, because this Brewer doesn’t allow anyone to mash. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in September. He has a chance to make some personal history as only one month this year he had more homers than two (3; that’s higher, I checked). I didn’t say it was especially revelatory personal history.

Jackson Chourio – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (17), 2nd homer in two games. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

William Contreras – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Brewers were my preseason pick to win the World Series, and I have to say, I feel better about that then any preseason World Series pick in some time.

Kevin Gausman – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.60. You can’t take the Jays’ stink off players.

Blaze Alexander – Hit the IL with a sore back. He should try some Icy/Him.

Coby Mayo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, and third homer in three games. The Emulsification pours it on (slowly with oil so it emulsifies).

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.05. He gave up nothing but hard contact and got the win vs. Griffin. Just the most frustrating game that we love.

Rico Garcia – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.03, and his 7th save. Kittredge who?! Andrew Kittredge, Orioles reliever, who seemed to be the O’s closer until yesterday might’ve changed that. I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. ‘Kittredge who’ is not a figure of speech.

Foster Griffin – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.65. Good news is I can say all 2027 preseason how Foster Griffin would have a barely 3 ERA if not for one start. Bad news, where do we start? Every single hit off him was a 65 MPH dribbler. Orioles had lefty Dylan Beavers hitting leadoff vs. a lefty, which is a call for help, and he managed multiple squib shots. My beautiful boy, Griffin, got squibbed to death. Send medics! For me, not him!

Chase DeLauter – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. 60-Grade power and headed for 16-ish homers. DeEffthatabout’er.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jake Bennett – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.69. Yesterday was a bad day to quit sniffing glue. Or even sniffing old horses who will become glue. By the way, what kind of sicko was the first guy who was like, “Hey, see that old horse? Imma make some glue from him.”

Roman Anthony – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. One of the best hitters ever, bar none.

Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer. “Wilyer/Roman” is also a vague suggestion to put on a condom, and yesterday they took Johnson deep.

Zach Neto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Neto being neato!

Jose Siri – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .225. He had one hit since August 23rd and he was hitting third. That’s who beat Jake Bennett yesterday.

Denzer Guzman – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .227. He had five total hits since August 21st, and hit .181 in August. Just incredible stuff was going on with the Angels.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (19), 2nd homer in two games. He’s alive! Finally!

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 44th homer, hitting .242. I give the Phils crap for years for hitting Schwarber leadoff, and his loss of RBI chances, but I will say he’s likely gained hundreds of extra at-bats through the years.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.79. Sanchez held the NL Cy ceremony last night, awarding Misiorowski.

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Brown is an aptly named color for this year’s performance.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Every nine days like clockwork (if a watch had a home run hand and a nine-day hand).

Cam Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Not sure what he can do to interest me for 2027, but going to Driveline might help.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .244, as he recorded his 2,500th hit. I’d bet that he will get to 3,000 hits, but I’d also bet his final 100 or so hits to 3,000 are going to be some of the saddest you’ve ever seen.

Connor Norby – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. He was last Friday’s lede buy, and hadn’t done much since, but it’s a brand new day, Sting.

Will Warren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.05. That’s called “Facing the Suckies in your home is a pretty sweet matchup.”

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Hit the IL with a thumb sprain. Gonna hinder his chase for 50/50.

Cody Bellinger -1-for-4, and a homer, hitting .264. He hits 25 homers, give or take three, every year, except that absurd year he hit 47. So, how many does he have this year? 21? 22? 20? He has 13! In 440 ABs!

Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs hit his 29th homer, hitting .288. Also, in this game, George Lombard Jr. (1-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. LuGaJu! GeoLomJu! LuGaJu! GeoLomJu! The crowd goes crazy. Literally. Saying, “LuGaJu! GeoLomJu!” makes people crazy. It’s an ancient curse.

Henry Bolte – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .277. What a glorious season he’s having that I bet could even produce a 2027 sleeper. My general take is people still have not adjusted to Bing Bong and how great it is for all their hitters. Even great for visiting hitters. Except Vlad Jr. Can’t even go deep in that rinky-dink stadium. Seriously, does Vlad Jr. have the worst Launch Angle in history? Even Yandy Diaz is like, “Stop killing them worms, lil’ bro.”

Leo Bernal – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That’s in nine games, and he’s hitting for a solid average too (.278). Not sure I understand the Cards’ fascination to develop seventeen catchers at once, but Bernal looks solid.

Andre Pallante – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at…Guess his ERA. C’mon, within 0.30! You can do it! What, 4.10? 3.90? 4.25? You’re losing this Price is Right showcase showdown. It’s 3.45.

Zac Gallen – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.22, as he was activated from the IL, and piggybacked with Michael Soroka – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.53. But Derek Law was in-between. DBags’ Gallen/Law/Soroka, the three guys in one trench coat of MLB pitchers.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3 and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in four games. Hey, check out this very cool handkerchief I bought at auction. It was used by Newman after Keith Hernandez spit on him. Here, I’ll show you, it’s haphazardly placed by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Carter Jensen – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in a week, and has four homers in September. I believe they (me) call that a Septacular performance. Better a Jockstuffer than a Septumbler. (I get a Triscuit Wiz wit if I use three terms in one blurb.)

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Homers and speed, just one of the many joys de Witt this Suzanne Somers.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Mookie Best-Is-Behind-Him-But-He’s-Hot.

Max Muncy – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Max is the Municiest!

Kyle Tucker – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 13th homer. Joke’s on you who said he was retired. Kyle Tucker: Only Seemingly Retired.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Got Yamamoto completely wrong this year. Thought for sure he’d be exhausted from last year and babied like what they did with Snell and Glasnow, but Yoshinobu is clearly made with a special ability to bounce back. Call him Yoshinobu Rubberarmamoto.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer, and 5th straight game with a home run. Okay, don’t need to dig up Dale Long just yet, but ready the shovels.

Jake Burger – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer, three homers in three games. Burger King (of hitting homers and nothing else). Actually, I take umbrage with that parenthetical. (Oh, really?) Yes, Burger’s also gonna end up around 95 RBIs. That’s not nothing.

Cody Bradford – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.72. For what it’s Wuertz, Streamonator hated this start and likes his next one, and, while I like Bradford long-term, I can’t say he’s safe right now.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. September’s fun because we have a pretty good idea of what a guy’s doing for the season and Seager’s at 17 homers and 40 RBIs. Schwarber had 17 HRs through May 12th.

Kade Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.29, and out at 81 pitches. This season’s 4.29 ERA has no real bearing on what he’ll do in the future. A long-time comp I do with rookie starters is Clayton Kershaw sucked during his first call-up.

Walker Buehler – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.61. Buehler…? Buehler?…and out of the game because two people called on him (he was removed because coaches forgot how many trips they took to the mound).

Jackson Merrill – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, as he hit 5th. 14 homers since the break, and only people with more are Tatis, Devers, Bregman, and PCA. Overall, not a terrible season, which is why I’m rolling my eyes so hard when I see Xander Bogaerts hitting 2nd. Bogaerts (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .218) hasn’t been good since 2023 (okay, slight exaggeration, but not that much).

Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. “!&*(@%!$!^%$!”

Reynaldo Lopez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.13 as he was activated from the IL. He looked solid in rehab, and I jumped right back on him, because I am a sucker for Braves starters and Reynaldo and I got roped in like a dog.

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .276. Don’t believe in drafting catchers high, but I will say Baldwin is way more interesting to me in 2027 than Raleigh was this preseason. Baldwin is actually a good hitter.

Griffin Jax – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.71. “I trusted Reynaldo but not Griffin,” he mumbles as he wanders onto the freeway wearing nothing but a potato sack.

Esmerlyn Valdez – 1-for-2 and his 17th homer, hitting .235. His K% is down to 37.7 and his walk rate is up to 14.8%. If three true outcome didn’t exist, they’d have to invent it for him.

Davis Martin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.05. I’m pretty sure I could strike out more Pirates hitters than one. Alas, Streamonator says he goes to Cleveland next, and meh, but I say why not?

Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer. Someone doesn’t like Okamoto stealing his thunder!

Pete Fairbanks – Activated from the IL. Ready for some P.F. Changes.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Mets scored 15 runs, so you know everyone got involved! Right, Juan Soto?! Juan?! Hello?! Soto went 0-for-5? What a ticker tease!

Joe Mack – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Return of the Mack, baby! Marlins scored 14 runs, so you know Heriberto Hernandez got involved! Right?! 0-for-4, 1 run? Oh, cmon!

Colt Keith – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That’s refreshing, and to think some called Co-Ke zero.

Keider Montero – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.55. If a guy goes four innings and will only go four innings, then I want an Opener in front of him. Make him Yarbro!

Kody Clemens – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, and I can’t believe I actually just thought to myself, “If HRody Clemens is available after 200 overall next year, he might be a steal.” Don’t fall for the tailpipe’s banana, Grey!

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. You can’t even clear waivers anymore, Bell. You’re not impressing other teams. They’re not watching you. You’re not being traded.

Zebby Matthews – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.98. Taj Bradley and Zebby Matthews sitting in the Twins’ clubhouse, eyeing the dry erase board. Derek Shelton standing in front, lecturing, “So, you need to look great, then awful. Then, and here’s the part that trips up so many pitchers, great again. Then, and this part is very confusing, but you need to be awful again.”