Comatose Braves fan, who’s been out since March, “Why does the nurse keep pinching shut my IV and saying pausa de hidratación? Well, nevertheless, I see Austin Riley went 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and three homers in three games. [humming Joe Walsh] Life is good so far…Austin Riley is top three NL MVP guy again? Riley is hitting what, .330? This is April and he has 12 homers through two weeks? Three weeks? Is Riley the cleanup hitter or hitting third? Where’s Acuña? Why is everyone tiptoeing out of my room? I’m back, baby! Give me the good Austin Riley news!” So, if you dropped Austin Riley, who is hitting .217, which you should’ve in most shallower leagues, I’d pick him back up. Do I think this is him being fixed? I don’t see why, but guys do get hot. Remember The Swanson? I faintly do. I think it involved the Mets’ pitching. Also, in yesterday’s game, Drake Baldwin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (2), and 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. Don’t tell Kendrick that Drake’s hot. “Is it still April? At least tell me that!” Go back to sleep, Comatose Braves fan. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Nathan Eovaldi – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.21. One of the more disappointing players for me. He was always so good, when healthy. “When healthy” was the issue. Now I wish he wasn’t healthy. His underlying numbers are solid-ish. The “ish” is the HardHit%; the “solid” is the K-BB%.
Wyatt Langford – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .283. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Langford has never had a good game that wasn’t immediately followed by a quad, oblique or hamstring injury.” Adding, “No, we didn’t say that.”
Jared Jones – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Looking the best he’s looked in the majors. Yes, including the 2024 season, prior to the injury. He’s got ace numbers right now. Will he be an ace? I don’t know, too early to say, but he was highly touted as a future ace when he was in the minors. The stuff cooks, as a chef would say about Jones. A chef that knows Statcast.
Paul Skenes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.43. He left the game with a 5-1 lead and the chances of the Pirates winning fell to 50 to 1 odds, as the Pirates’ pen jumped on Polymarket and started making bets.
Esmerlyn Valdez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 5th homer in his last six games. He’s only played 31 games total. Is The Magician the greatest hitter of all-time? Maybe too early to say, then again maybe yes.
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Call me Uncle U-ey because I’ve made such a turnaround on Gavin. The earned runs suck, but I’m buying still.
Aaron Judge – Still not allowed to do baseball activities. No spitting, no crotch grabbing, no pepper games.
Cam Schlittler – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.20. Oh, man, please don’t tell me he’s going to take the long, arduous 2nd half journey to a 3.00 ERA.
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-9, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .290. Won’t be pitching for a bit, according to the Dodgers. They added, “We are a lock for the World Series, of course we’re resting Ohtani’s arm. Wait until we’re resting Yoshinobu Yamamoto too.”
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.78. The good news (for me, and only me) is I won’t be able to draft him next year because he’ll be going too high, then he’ll invariably crash. Or maybe he’ll never crash ever again.
Casey Mize – Left the game after taking a comebacker off his hand. Sigh, I relieve stress with my sighs. Move your freakin’ hand!
Kevin McGonigle – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Police chief, “McGonigle!”
Riley Greene – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. BDon calls Riley Greene one of his biggest sell highs of the 2nd half on this week’s pod.
J.T. Ginn – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.46. His command is still too scary to recommend for home games, even though this was a home game. Don’t fear the reaper; fear the regression. Though, his next start is away, according to the Streamonator.
Foster Griffin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Call a bawk-bawk on me because I was too chicken to start him in Bing Bong. [turns to mirror] Nice work, dummy!
CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Corange Juice with a shot and Dylan Crews (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer. Look at the Juice/Crews getting it done without Marly Marl.
Zac Gallen – Is currently “waiting for opinions from other doctors.” Tune in next time to find out if Zac can find a doctor who says his arm looks fine.
Brandon Pfaadt – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.58, but 2.14 ERA in 21 IP since his return from the minors. Fitting — or rather Pfitting — that he was vs. Dustin May (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.78) since it’s from one “I thought he’s fixed. Crap, he is most definitely not,” to another. Though, we’re only on the “He’s fixed” part of the program. So, is Pfaadt “fixed?” He could be. He’s walked only one batter in those 21 IP, which is a good sign, but he’s not exactly blowing away hitters either. So, I suppose you can grab him, but I’m just monocle’ing for now.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.62. I hid my phone number so the Regression Fairies would answer my call.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Hey, come here, I want you to check out this empty Slim Jim wrapper. It was the first one “Macho Man” Randy Savage snapped into. It’s haphazardly strewn over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.85. Not saying he wouldn’t have been clobbered anywhere, because Taj Mah-Clobbered-Anywhere is prone to that, but Wrigley can be extremely dicey some days. Though, that’s usually from the wind and homers, which this didn’t seem to be.
Aaron Civale – Traded to the Cubs. Meh, you know him. Mostly NL-Only, but maybe Streamonator if the Cubs can fix him. What I wanna mention is the guy the A’s got for Civale. They got Aidan Moffett. He allowed only 12 hits in 22.1 innings in the minors. Wow! Moffett had a .160 opponents batting average! Incredible! Oh, by the way, he also allowed 42 walks and hit five batters for a .480 on-base percentage. I cackled.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. My biggest 2nd half pitching buy was Boyd and sell was Max Meyer. See below for what I say for Meyer.
Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Cubs jumped out to a huge lead and Shota cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.70. Can’t in good conscience recommend Bieber after one good start, but I have a monocle tightly affixed to my eye. May as well be glued to my eye. [listens to monocle affixer] What do you mean you did glue it? I paid you $17 to affix, not glue!
Trey Yesavage – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.78. More like Trey-seven-eight! Bam! No bam? Hmm.
Davis Martin – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31. We’re after the All-Star Break, so it doesn’t scream, “Grey is a major loon!” by saying a Davis Martin 2027 sleeper already seems possible with this as a final thought on his sleeper post, “Martin was already good in 2026, so he shouldn’t be drafted this late.”
Sean Burke – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Okay, I do like Davis Martin and Burke, but the Jays are also dogshizz.
Colson Montgomery – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer. He has a career 45 homers and a barely .800 OPS, and, ya know what, good for him!
Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. If I’m being honest — and eff it, let’s be honest! — Luzardo was one guy who should’ve been in the top 100 for the 2nd half, who was not simply because I have a personal preference to not get Luzardo ulcers.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. This home run was such a bomb I had some special rumblings of Lindor actually having a 2nd half that warranted his very early preseason ADP of the 2nd round. Though, those rumblings might’ve just been that tostada salad I had at Taco Bell.
Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.34. McLean is lights-out during every World Cup final he’s pitched during. Facts you can’t dispute!
Victor Mesa Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd game in a row with a homer, so maybe hot schmotato, but Sunday’s was an inside-the-park homer, and looked like at least one error on the play, so, I guess, caveats.
Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.82 vs. Ian Seymour – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.79. This matchup was billed as, “Grey had one-dollar bids lined up for Sunday FAAB if either of these guys looked good, but instead was like, ‘Maybe I’ll invest my FAAB in Brandon Pfaadt or Garrett Whitlock for Aroldis’s inevitable trade.'”
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.48. He was in the top 100 for the 2nd half because his last name is Gray.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Contreras is having a career year at 34 for the [stuffing face with anger and brain custard] Mighty Zombino!
Hunter Brown – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.05. Ya know what super sucks? Brown is clearly not healthy and we’re going to get all the way to next March before he’s shut down and heads for surgery.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Sonavabench! Yes, I’ve reached the point where I’m benching Altuve. The next step is dropping. Bigger than any step Altuve’s taken. Hey oh!
Coby Mayo – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. Coby Mayo related: You should go read Sandwich Pick’s weekend article about the worst swingers in baseball. (Not horny guys trying to have extra-martial affairs and failing. Different type of swingers.)
Brandon Young – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Young was vs. Brown, and I can’t believe Young’s better. My beautiful Hunter Brown sucks so bad! Streamonator hates Young, but I can’t say he scares me as much.
Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Actually bit surprised Rogers is pitching as poor as he is. ERA-wise, he’s been fine for the past six weeks, and his ground balls are helping but he’s been pretty meh, in general. One guy pitching much worse than him faced him on Saturday, Spencer Arrighetti (5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 6 Ks, 4.34 ERA).
Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.06. At least one Hunter (Mad Libs in a color) is coming correct.
Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Also, in this game, Sal Stewart (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 20th homer and Nathaniel Lowe (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. This game came in Coors vs. one of the top pitching staffs. [turning computer screen right-side up] Hmm, that was not the top.
Hunter Goodman – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 28th, 29th and 30th homer, hitting .257. This was the 2nd time this year he hit three homers in a game. A feat not even Scooter Gennett pulled off! 25 others did, though. Only should-be-HOFer Sammy Sosa did it three times in a year.
Bryce Eldridge – 1-for-3 and a slam (10) and legs (1), and his 2nd homer in three games. Eldridge is fascinating in how much he’s cut his strikeouts from the minors to the majors. It doesn’t really make sense, yet here we are.
Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.33. Loosen up your pants, you schmohawk!
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38, an under-3 ERA since May 17th (arbitrary cut-off alert!). [blinking lights on a submarine, radar beeps louder] Sir, we have detected the Great Lo-Gi.
Cole Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and was hitting third yesterday. Hot schmotato alert!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (25) and 2nd game in a row with a slam and legs. Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels! Let’s goooooo!
Jackson Merrill – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and a double slam (11, 12) and legs (20), hitting .221. Well, I don’t have Merrill anywhere, but I’ll give him a tiny-voiced let’s go too.
Ty France – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Still lost to England.
Jac Caglianone – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Jackson Antonio Cannoli Caglianone hit third yesterday and is the only Italian of note in the Royals’ lineup. Unless you count Luke Maile, because his last name ends in a vowel.
Lance McCullers Jr. – Traded to the Brewers. Accompanying this trade news was this line, “He has a 6.86 ERA in eight starts this year and has been on the IL with right shoulder inflammation since May 19.” Sounds like the Brewers are about to crap out another ace!
Brandon Woodruff – Will undergo 2nd shoulder surgery, which is usually the end for most pitchers, but he said he will return. Lightly sobbing, singing Foo Fighters, “There goes…my hero…watch him as he goes…”
Sal Frelick – Hit the IL with a shoulder ailment. That really stinks–Any hoo! Luis Lara should play every day!
Shane Drohan – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.20. What if us Brandon Woodruff fantasy owners can’t just pluck a hair out of Woodruff’s head, put it into a test tube of pine tar and create a Drohan? What do we do? No, we can’t just create a Robert Gasser (5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.91) either!
Pete Fairbanks – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Guess what Pete FairlyNeverBlanks’s ERA is. 7.42! Just perfection.
Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.53. [holding fingers close together but not touching] That’s how far Eury is from the breakout.
Max Meyer – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.68. Go see what I said for Boyd. If you’ve now gone back and forth between Boyd and Meyer’s blurbs multiple times, then keep going back and forth more. If you’ve found yourself, spending the last ten years going back and forth, and it’s 2036. Hey, can you tell me who wins the 2026 World Series and, uh, is there a 2027 World Series?
