Marlins Can Snell What The Robby Is Cooking

Yesterday, the Marlins called up Dax Fulton because. Dot dot dot? Is his whole name Dax Robby Snelling Fulton and he goes by his middle name? Wait, I’m hearing Robby Snelling is being called up. No, wait, that was someone saying my neighbor Rob passed out, and they needed smelling salts. Why are you telling me this, Cougs?! Let Fainting Rob lay there! I only want to know about Robby Snelling! Is he coming up or not? He is? [shakes the seashell that I had up to my ear to listen to] Damn it! The reception on this seashell sucks! So, all indications are Snelling is being called up to start Friday. He’s the real deal Shaquille O’Neal B. Real slippin’ on a banana peel, and I don’t rhyme that lightly. Here’s what Itch said previously, “What are we doing? What’s going on? Snelling is striking out 37.2 percent of the guys he sees and has allowed just two earned runs over his last three starts. But we have to keep watching Chris Paddack. That’s the rule. That’s the goal now. Someone take out Grey with a spiked bat!” What? I do like how crazed Itch is about the logic of Paddack in the rotation. Thankfully, Paddack is gone now. Itch also said previously, “In 11 Triple-A starts last season, Snelling recorded a 1.27 ERA and 0.99 WHIP with 81 strikeouts and 17 walks in 63.2 innings. He might’ve been a major leaguer a month ago if Miami was as incentivized as I am to see Grey’s blood.” Oh c’mon! How do these lines get past our editor? Snelling might be the biggest pitching prospect of the year. Might. Worth it obviously in all leagues to find out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.01. Think I’ve said this every time he’s pitched but he reminds me of Bradish. At some point, he’ll click and he’ll be lights-out, but who knows when.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Albombso!

Brandon Young – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Interesting first name, first time I’ve seen it before. Braaaaan don? Is that right? He should shorten it to BDon. So, Young’s stats are terrible, and I wouldn’t use the Streamonator for him, but nice start, I suppose.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Welcome back to the Club, AV! Why did you like Pluribus so much? Kind of a bore. I get it, it’s a stand-in for AI, but meh.

Brandon Sproat – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.87. To the tune of Slip Slidin Away, “Dip, divin’ away,” that’s Sproat’s 91 MPH change. Don’t think Sproat’s out of the woods entirely, but maybe he’s coming upon a picnic area that’s near the woods’ edge. Still needs to be more economical, but was best he’s looked. That’s a call to cyclops with a monocle.

Aaron Ashby – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.35. Don’t talk much about middle relievers, but he leads the major leagues with six wins. An emoji that is speechless and just mutters something.

Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.34. If you’re relying on Pallante, your fantasy team might be better off with palliative care. Got your ass!

Shane McClanahan – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. First Sproat, now McClanahananananananan, and that’s the best I’ve seen both of them look all year. McClanahananananananan hasn’t been terrible, but Kevin Cash is the worst yanking him at 69 pitches, and most days that kind of pitch count isn’t going to let him get out of the fifth.

Michael Soroka – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Has some of the best underlying stats in the majors. Yes, you should ignore the ERA on this one.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Don’t think about how you could’ve drafted Lowe at 2nd base and not have Tatis sitting in your 2nd base slot. Yes, I’m still thinking about it.

Paul Skenes – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.36. He’s gonna still get his ERA under 2 for the year, isn’t he? Sign a long-term deal now, man! Take the $200 million!

Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I saw Sexy Dr. Pepper hitting leadoff and I cackled. Okay, guys, whatever you say. Guess he can knock in Luis Torrens and the like. Sure. You can’t find a dumber group of guys than MLB managers.

Marcus Semien – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. During the offseason, when the Mets got Semien, there were Mets fans excited for him. Maybe they foresaw one game when he was good, yesterday.

TJ Rumfield – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. It’s not a schmotato as much as play him when in Coors.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .221. If you can sell him on the back of this homer, it might be your only chance. Ks are up, HardHit% pathetic; looks like a 22/.230 hitter, if he gets lucky.

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. I’ve seen this before and Sheets is an auto schmotato after a homer. Trust the process (there’s zero process).

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and this one was a pinch-hit blast. Comatose Red Sox fan, “I’ve been out since 2017, but Devers and Bogaerts bagging bombs, baby! Things are the same as when I checked out! Right?! Why’s everyone tiptoeing out of the room? How’s Mookie hitting? Hello?”

Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .217. Can we insert all the A’s into Bing Bong for every game? [Cancel Police break down door]–What?! I said insert the A’s! The A’s! They’re a team!

Jeffrey Springs – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89 vs. Zack Wheeler – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. This matchup was billed as, “Wheeler/Springs, shocks with mechanics! Sponsored by Pep Boys, have you had your greenies today?”

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .246. Could get hot, but I was expecting a bounce back, and so far my hopes are DeflateGate.

Brad Keller – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.02, and another save. Um, guys, I already dropped him. Where’s Jhoan? I don’t even have Jhoan and I want to see Jhoan. He’s almost as oddly absent as Daniel Palencia.

Corey Seager – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Hopefully, he can get hot and not have it end in an IL stint. Likely? Ha! C’mon, brother and five sisters, no, not likely.

Evan Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .178. If Evan Carter was a Yankee, he’d hit 20 homers. That applies for most of the Rangers team; some would hit 30+.

Nathan Eovaldi – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Hope you started him.

Will Warren – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.46. Hope you sat him. Okay, not helpful, but Warren’s underlying numbers are still great. Would look at this as a hiccup, until the giant burp that is Gerrit Cole returns, and possibly bumps Warren.

Carlos Rodon – Will debut on Sunday. He only gave up five earned in his last rehab start, so all systems are go!

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Guy’s barely anything without Ben Rice. I kid! Hold your tomatoes.

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. The French Terminator d’Arnaud told you he’d be bahck, and you didn’t listen. Wait, he left with a foot injury. Meh, better you didn’t listen.

Walbert Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Don’t talk about terrible pitchers usually, and there was a lot of them yesterday: Waldron, Houser, Corbin, and that was only in the afternoon games. Streamonator over all of them.

Noah Schultz – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.68. Hey, I’m just gonna leave my Pepsi on the counter of this Hezbollah-run bar, watch it for me? Thanks! [five hours later]…feel like I just suddenly took a nap and my chest is open with a sign that reads, ‘Take whatever organs you want.” AHHHH! ROOFIE!

Cole Ragans – Left his start with elbow soreness with his fastball was down three MPH. If you have Ragans, I’d be sweating like Reagan in the Land of Confusion video.

Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.43. Cantillo will be more valuable than Ragans. There’s not one day that goes by that someone doesn’t ask to drop Cantillo.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.54, as he was activated from the IL. Wonder if Sonny Me also saw the new Devil Wears Prada. What an awful movie. It was so bad, I shouldn’t be allowed to see another movie for a month as punishment for going.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.56. Sonavabench! This guy’s a joker. I hate him! Pitches well now? Only one walk? Where was this command for the last six weeks! If I start him next time out? Oh, he’s for sure having the worst game ever! Absolutely!

Framber Valdez – Suspended for six games for hitting Trevor Story. Good, suspend him another month for being a clown. Framber and Flaherty are the Stuck in the Middle with You song come to life.

Gleyber Torres – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. His exit velocity is down 7 MPH from last year. He once hit 38 homers!

Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. If you’re outdueled by Miles Mikolas (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.44), you’re automatically sent to the minors. Sorry, don’t make the rules–Actually, I made this rule.

CJ Abrams – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .299. Also, in this game, Jose Tena (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer, Drew Millas (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer and Brady House (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Nats are the most rag-taggiest group of “Who did you get beat by? Oh, Drew Millas, right, he was the one who directed Red Dawn. I know him.”

Matthew Boyd – Headed for meniscus surgery. He injured his knees playing with his kids. That’s not a joke. Did his kids not draft him in fantasy? His wife, “Did you hurt your knee, Matty?” Boyd, did I!

Ian Happ – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (2). Possibly the most underrated hitter in baseball.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .246. I bag on PCA every chance I get, but I have to be honest, he’s hitting better than I expected. Don’t worry, it’s early, he’ll get worse. Damn, Grey, stop bagging!

Emilio Pagan – Will miss four to eight weeks. I’m gonna start a woof and you just assume I held that woof for a good hour. That’s brutal. Tony Santillan is the obvious pickup, and, just in case you had doubts, Graham Ashcraft (1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.93) had a freakin’ chance to save the game and immediately gave up two earned and blew it. Just gorge! Can you tell I roster Ashcraft and not Santillan? It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Matt McLain – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .200. He must think it’s still Spring Training.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .300+ in May and had a five-homer April. Well, that last part is pretty obvious, but a five-homer month is how one gets to a 30-homer season. I’m doing math!

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Back to a Woo! (Which I think was a boy band song in the early 2000s.)

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .260. If you have a hitter who is being out-homered by an April/May JRod, then I feel bad for you, and, yes, I’m talking about Tatis.

Martin Perez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Wish I had awful pitching like an under-2.50 ERA Martin Perez. I don’t even care what his peripherals are. Roster pitchers who are below a 2.50 ERA when we’re in May.

Carlos Correa – Will miss the rest of the season with a tore–Who cares, pick up Isaac Paredes, if he’s available in your league. He just got everyday at-bats for the rest of the season. That’s a boon. Boon, baby, boon! Boon, baby, boon! Boon, baby, boon! [intern unplugs my cord, blows into my socket, plugs me back in] What was I saying?

Lance McCullers Jr. – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.41. In retrospect, McCullers’s good first start of the year and the Astros’ entire last season was a dead cat bounce.

Brice Matthews – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, as he hits leadoff, and he’s near the top of the 7-day Player Rater, because he’s been one of the hottest hitters over the last…can you guess? Yes, seven days! You’re good. That’s schmotato material.

Andy Pages – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th, 7th and 8th homer. First multi-homer game since August 25th of last year. Geez, what a bum!

Tyler Glasnow – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.72, but left the game with back pain. Before that, he recorded his 1,000th career strikeout! At 793 IP, he’s the fastest starter of all time to reach 1,000 Ks. Truly remarkable! Also, he recorded another career mark! At 11 years in the majors, he’s also the slowest starter to get to 793 innings.