The Orioles are on pace to give up 1,776 home runs, because they’re close to our nation’s capital, and that is a great figure, a historic number.  A cannot be imitated — help me out here, Captain Lou Albano — never duplicated number.  Scratch that, they’re now on pace to give up 1777 home runs because of the Battle of the Assunpink Creek. That was also the title of the Pink concert when her stretch pants were a little too skimpy in the back.  “I see your Assupink Creek 2017.”  Great show, the aerobatics alone.  So, I try to avoid making every lede about hitters in Coors or facing the Orioles, but here goes, because Gleyber Torres has 14 homers against the O’s in five games and 12 homers on the year.  There’s math involved in that number.  He went 2-for-5 with his 11th and 12th homers.  Next up, literally, Brett Gardner (3-for-4, 1 run) hit more doubles than the sketchy guy at the craps table who kept betting the horn and looking over his shoulder.  DJ LeMahieu (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR) was on the ones and twos, but mostly on the ones, since he hit leadoff and his 4th homer.  Gary Sanchez (2-for-4) hit his 15th long ball and don’t mention hitting balls around Gary, he crosses his legs.  Then there’s Thairo (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR), who should be on the Iron Throne, but that’s a hot internet take, and I’m here for cold ones, but he even has three homers because Our Commissioner Manfred sticks Capri Sun straws into balls and juices them up.  If you learn nothing else from this post, and you might not, stream all hitters vs. the Orioles.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Giancarlo Stanton – Rehab ended abruptly when he felt calf tightness.

Keon Broxton – Signed by the Orioles.  Close up shop, AL East teams. No reason to play out the remainder of the year. The O’s got Broxton. Pennant chase no more.

Renato Nunez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .216.  There’s balls jumping out of Camden saying, “Listen, it’s gonna happen anyway if the ump tosses me to a Orioles pitcher so I may as well go out for an O’s hitter.” Can’t argue with that.

Carlos Gonzalez – Designated for assignment by the Indians.  Isn’t it crazy how when a car goes somewhere with cargo it is a shipment and that when a below replacement level outfielder, who shouldn’t have started for two years, gets shipped out it is a CarGo?

Roberto Perez – Dealing with a mild concussion.  Will Smith, with a bad Nigerian accent, said, “No CTE, maybe CT at most.”

Jake Bauers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .227.  Without looking it up, I’m going to say he’s homered once a week for five weeks, because every time I’m about to drop him for six days worth of nothing, he homers and I’m like, “Guess I’ll give him some more rope.”  Apparently, that rope is being used to hang me.

Khris Davis – Will not be placed on the IL yet, because he should’ve been placed on the IL a week ago. You figure out the logic!

Mark Canha – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 5th homer in the last seven games.  Should’ve mentioned this guy a day or two ago, but I kept figuring he’d cool off.  He’s been hot schmotato’ing around town for a few.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.40.  For the 1st time, maybe all year, I watched Montas throw.  This is how I was all game, “Wow, how are they not laying off that slider?  Oh, wait, Santana will lay off it…And, nope, he couldn’t either.”  Right now, Montas has around the 10th best slider in baseball and it just completely falls away from lefties and into righties.  Any hoo!  His peripherals say he should be owned, and his ERA obviously is right there with the best, so, yeah, he’s having himself a bit of a breakout.

Michael Wacha – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.59.  He’s officially reached “never owning him until he throws more than a month straight of solid starts,” i.e., Pineda territory.

Kolten Wong – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (7).  Both of his highlights came in the 2nd game of the doubleheader, because that Wong *sways to an R&B song, lowers voice* plays better at night.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .239. OZUNA hit homer off Homer. OZUNA confuse self.

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .233.  I’m not saying this is it, but I wrote ‘Eloy’ on a pair of white socks, wore them for two months then sent them to the Vatican for blessings, then was interviewed by the FBI and a clergyman, due to the suspicious package, and the FBI agent’s name?  Jim and he had mayonnaise on his sleeve…Jim…mayonnaise….Jim-men-ez…?!  Cmon, guys!  I secured this breakout game for Eloy!

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.11.  The top 15 preseason starters are *insert person squatting, cut to chocolate soft serve emerging*

Jorge Soler – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .249.  At some point in the preseason, Rudy said he liked Soler better than Domingo Santana and that seemed like lunacy in April, but it’s starting to look more Galaxy Brain’d than I expected.  Damn you, Rudy!

Brad Keller – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.43.  No one saw that coming, especially no one in the Keller family.

Adrian Sampson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.44, as he came in after the Opener. Okay, it’s time we named the guy coming into the middle of the game. I was calling him The Malcolm, but that was catching on like Idyllwild, in that it wasn’t and the idiom is catching on like wildfire. Please suggest in the comments for The Middler.

Shawn Kelley – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.69, as he got his 4th save.  While you’re making plans for Leclerc, Kelley is closing games.

Willie Calhoun – Hit the IL with a strain of his fantasy owners’ hopes and dreams.  Don’t worry, in his place, Delino DeShields was promoted.  He can handle the weight of expectations!

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .312.  What is Pence doing with that boba straw in my ear?  Oh my God, he’s sucking out my brain!  Zombino!

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41.  If you can read Gonzales’s peripherals (6.3 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 4.95 xFIP) without falling asleep, you’ve got stronger espresso than me.

Brandon Nimmo – To the IL with a stiff neck.  Reports are saying he got a Viagra stuck halfway down his throat.

Robinson Cano – Have you heard all the uproar in NY about Cano not running out ground balls?  If you haven’t, it’s been pretty big news in this little city called air-quotes New York.  Anyway, in the most Metsian of ways, Cano hurt himself hustling to first on a grounder.  You can’t make this Mets up.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.72 vs. Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41. This matchup was billed, “Both of us are getting a no decision, right?” Bit obvious of a billing, but hashtag nailed it.

Rajai Davis – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer in his 1st game with the Mets.  The King of SAGNOF taking a bite out of the Big Apple while Gsellman feeds him grapes.  “Get me grapes and stop trying to make me figure out if the G is silent!”  That’s Rajai, The King of SAGNOF, unhappy with Gsellman.

Adam Eaton – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer.  As Eaton rounded third on his home run, he yelled to Todd Frazier, “I’ll see you in 2066 at the 50 year anniversary of the 78-84 4th place White Sox!”

Sean Doolittle – 0 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.43. Only his 2nd blown save, but I don’t kid when I say that, when he blows games, it usually means he’s injured.  Not entirely sure who else I’d want in that bullpen, though.  I guess Barraclough, but he’s been much worse, so I don’t know. Guess form a prayer hexagon it’s a blip.

Eric Lauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.73.  The Streamonator loved this start and you were like, “Yo, Streamonator, I’m going to hire a toaster to make love to you so you stop looking for attention by doing some lame-ass suggestions.”  Now, you’re reneging on your offer and the Streamonator is still lonely.

Merrill Kelly – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.75.  Just as I drew it up when I drafted him.  Wait, that’s threw it up, like the mouth excrement Kelly keeps up-chucking.

Zach Davies – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.43.  The Regression Fairies read the caloric intake for a bag of popcorn; they’ve seen Madonna in concert, like, 25 times, and they will destroy your ratios.

Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 12th homer.  Moistasskiss!

Keston Hiura – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  Ya know one of those Boggle game cubes where you rattle it around and letters fall into different slots?  Okay, that but with rookie names instead of letters.  “Hey, look I can make Hiura, Riley, Rodgers….”  Your opponent, “…but from this side I see Rodgers, Riley, Hiura.”

Luis Castillo – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.38.  Castillo owners pre-game, “Yelich is out of the lineup?  Ha…HA! I think I’m going to put on a wet suit and go to that water park even in this 55-degree weather.  Just, ya know, enjoy life.”  Three innings in, “This water park doesn’t even freakin’ open until Memorial Day weekend,” looking in the mirror, “You’re a moron!”

Tucker Barnhart – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Or as the cousin who married your other cousin is known *ucker Barnhard.

Joey Votto – 1-for-5, hitting .208.  I take no pleasure in this, but Votto looks broken.  I watched a clip of him yesterday, and it looked like he had the hitting yips.  He was swinging wildly between pitches, tentative to get into the box, then he got in and swung wildly at a ball.  This is not your slightly older brother’s Votto.  Earlier in his career, he missed time due to depression. I believe that was due to losing his father, so, ya know, no jokes, but he doesn’t look right at all.

Derek Dietrich – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .250.  You in March, “Some guy in my league drafted Dietrich just above Jose Ramirez. I mean, I’ve seen crackers, Saltines mostly, but what kind of crumbs is in this guy’s head?”  You now, “I have a time traveler in my league.”

Albert Almora Jr. – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in eight games.  Yes, that’s the previous three-home-runs-in-a-year Almora.  Wonder what changed?  I’m here for you!  In his hotel room, late in April, Almora was seen curling his finger around the phone cord, whispering into the phone, “Tell me again how you hit dingers, Tommy La Stella.”

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Cole Hamels – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.38 vs. Cole Irvin – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.60.  Neither Coles were…DON’T SAY IT GODDAMN IT…Diamonds.  Sorry, Mr. Al Caps.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-6 and his 5th homer.  Some hitters need months to adjust.  Some years.  Vlad adjusted in eight games.  I just got goose pimples writing that. Then again it is freezing in my house because Cougs is having hot flashes.

Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in two games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Marcus Walden – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.59, as he tried for the save, but blew it.  Good!  Serves Alex Cora right to be messin’ with us every day on who’s going to close Sawx games.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-6 and his 6th homer, hitting .315.  Devers is not only on his way to stealing 20 bags and hitting .310+, but he’s now picking up the pace with the power.  He will only be 22 years old all year (that’s how years work).

Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (5), hitting .290-.  Mookie Ballgame!

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 0 ER, and 6 unearned runs for the massive ticker shock, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  He’s fine at home, whatevs, but is it me or does it seem like pitchers should get earned runs when the error is charged to them? If I were a pitcher, I’d boot everything and have zero earned runs for my career and be in the Hall of Fame.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer in, like, 2 games.  Funny how some guys come out of the gates ready to go and other guys are benched randomly by Bud Black.

Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.67.  He should be pictured in the dictionary for the word fanglasstic.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .269.  Won’t matter, at least one person will ask about dropping him.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 4th homer in ten games, hitting .283.  Damn, I should’ve never dropped him earlier this week. He’s in the middle of a hot schmotato alert!  Look at the flashing red light, Grey!

Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  We know how this ends, Kiermaier.  Just strain your quad already.

Daniel Norris – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.30.  This start was against the Marlins, which is like hitters facing the Orioles.  I mean, who are you scared of Harold Ramirez?

Brian Anderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  He’s the Marlins’ primary three-hole hitter.  He’s hitting .234 with 16 RBIs.  Dubya tee eff.

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  Actually think there could be something to Cooper, and it’s not just because I own him in one NL-Only league.  This was only his 12th game, and varying levels of injuries plagued those too.  In his last healthy year, he had 17 HRs and hit .366 in the minors. Not saying he is yet, but he could be a mixed league bat, so cyclops don that monocle.

Wade Davis – Hit the IL with an oblique strain.  Davis hadn’t pitched since May 14th, which is good news because it likely already gave him an extra week-plus to recover. The bad news is who’s getting saves in his stead?  Scott Oberg?  More like Oshitburger.  The Rockies say he’s the replacement, but woof with a side of woofie-woof.  Possibly Bryan Shaw, but you should look at his peripherals some time if you’re in the mood for a good shudder.  Next up, could be Carlos Estevez, who actually has pitched well, but Estevez isn’t even the Sheen brother who was a pitcher.  Sometimes we’re lucky to not be the first ones to waivers to pick up the replacement.  This might be one of those times.  If desperate, I’d go Oberg, Shaw then Estevez, but all kinda meh.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .190.  “Hey, we’re about to fly over Chernobyl, so if we toss this body out, it will vaporize into boils in about 7 seconds–Wait!  I think I saw him move!  I did!  Murphy is alive!”

Tony Wolters – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I saw the home run, but I’d be a bad witness for the defense. All I really saw was his glorious mustache.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .329.  This is from the Pirates’ preseason preview at Sports Illustrated:

Montana DuRapau – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.91 as he was the opener for Nick Kingham (4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.76) who was equally atrocious. Montana DuRapau sounds like a porn star who is best of both worlds.  Call him Drag Miley Cyrus.  If he gets blown up, his nickname is Helena Handbasket.  His brother is even sluttier, and it admits it with the name Idaho DuRapau while sometimes simply goes by Butte.