Red Sox Forced To Watch Sad Movie On Drew Ray

Just got a haircut and they accidentally cut out a piece of my brain, so bare with me [removes pants, Cancel Police break down door] That’s supposed to be bear with me! I realize that now! So, Drew Rasmussen never be fussin’. I will give you an example of this: Yesterday’s line of 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 13 Ks in only 97 pitches! Here’s another example: He has a career 2.91 ERA in 526 2/3 IP! There’s literally two pitchers anyone feels deserves an ERA projection under-3 every year and Rasmussen has done it for his career, across seven seasons. Another example: He’s neutrally pitching to a 2.82 ERA this year. Another example: 9.5 K/9, 1.6 BB/9. He’s an ace that everyone considers a two or three for no reason. Dude’s got Locked-In Syndrome! [Cancel Police return with billy clubs] That doesn’t mean a player being locked in? I’m sorry! I did not know! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Elias Sports Bureau, “Cedric Mullins has accumulated the most fantasy value for a guy hitting .189.” They added, “We never said that.”

Jake Bennett – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Saw J. Bennett in the box score and all I could think was, “Gone too soon, your genius was underappreciated in Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Then Philip Seymour Hoffman was gone too soon and never had a chance to play J. Bennett in the biopic.” This is more niche than most things. I’m sorry.

Garrett Crochet – His lat strain is worse than feared, and he will be out longer. You: Tommen checking outside his window.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .280. Red Sox have a lot of these types, “Guy is helpful for fantasy, in general, but ‘Watching Paint Dry’ in my outfield slot is very difficult to roster.”

Caleb Durbin – 3-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. He hit the same number of homers in one game that Tatis has all year. It’s June!

JR Ritchie – Was recalled from the minors, and might be the answer to “Grant Holmes kinda sucks” and might be the answer to “What did JR Richard’s friends call him?”

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. Dude’s tendons are catguts and he’s strumming too hard. You need to backyard strum after the neighbors say to keep it down, not Crazy Train’ing your hammys.

Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30 vs. Davis Martin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41. This matchup was billed as, “Sale/D. Martin was all I had to hear in college to send me scurrying to Filene’s Basement, hoping they said Dr. Martens.”

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Unsure what to do after he hit it out, he started running to third, and his whole team had to point him towards first base.

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.61 vs. Michael King – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.46. This matchup as billed as Singer/King, or simply, “I’m Henry The Eighth, I Am! Henry The Eighth, I Am, I am!”

Spencer Steer – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That was his first hit in a week. Though, he does have three homers in June, and he just got 2nd base eligibility (I think, depends on your league, it was his 10th game played at 2nd).

JJ Bleday – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. You ever look at JJ Bleday and think, “I wonder what Ryan Ludwick is up to? Is Scott Schebler still Scheb’ing?”

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Sonavabench! Now, please let him have one of his patented 20-homer months. My family is starving for homers!

Seth Lugo – Left the game after taking a liner off his head from his former teammate when on the Mets, Nimmo. Geez, talk about holding a grudge.

Alex Lange – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.06. Bad news is he showed he’s not that great. Good news is Jac Caglianone went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Oh, there’s no good news about Lange.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Kinda inconsequential after being tied to the WHIPping post, but guess how many pitches he threw with 11 baserunners and six Ks. Only 87! Huh?

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.44, and this was in Coors so sonavabench on top of everything else! If you started him, then you got pants grapes bigger than your brains, but well played.

Jackson Chourio – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Okay, call him up, it’s silly he’s playing in minor league parks.

Brandon Sproat – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.70. Of course he pitches his best game in Super Bing Bong in Vegas. Of course, he does! Nothing makes sense!

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Alika Williams (2-for-3) hit his 1st. Sadly, no Jeff McNeil, the only other guy on the A’s that no one rosters.

Carlos Cortes – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Was the wind blowing in off the Strip? Pretty tame Vegas night, i.e., you’re only out to 4 AM after waking thirty minutes ago in the Flamingo buffet area in a tub of ice meant for king crab legs.

Antonio Senzatela – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.11 and his 6th win. Lol. Moving on!

Reid Detmers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Reid Detmers puts on a masterclass one game, then follows it with a disasterclass. That’s it. Reid Detmers never does a normalclass.

Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and a slam (15) and legs (6), hitting .224. I was wrong about him getting injured so far. Also, wrong about him not being worthwhile. He’s been near the top 50 overall on the Player Rater. Better than a lot of guys! 650 or so, to be vaguely accurate.

Peter Lambert – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. His command (usually) worries me, and I’d be careful, in general. Ya know what they say, in like a Lambert out like a “you lying ess oh bee, you suck!”

Max Fried – Still hasn’t had follow-up imaging. Meh, no rush, they’re only paying him $27 mil and change.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Someone asked me to rank Rodon in the midst of a bunch of other starters, and I ranked Rodon too low, while knowing I was doing it. Rodon, underappreciated while the person knows they’re doing it.

Parker Messick – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.68. “Par-Me sounds like Parma, which is a suburb of Cleveland, the team Messick plays for!” That’s me studying for a test on who Messick pitches for in the class, Why Do I Keep Thinking Messick Pitches For The Nats? The not-Nats Messick is still pitching extremely well, solid three at worst. He actually has some Rasmussen to him because his career ERA is 2.51 in 114 2/3 IP. Not shabby. The Unshabby.

Angel Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, as he hit leadoff. Someone’s back from their May siesta to their April bully stick!

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Maybe he gets hot, that’s what I say to myself as I try to pick him up everywhere.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (6). Bro’s gonna have a 30/15 season in 100 games. The Prorater Monster.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Just useless. Okay, I’m ready to give up on him in shallower leagues. You can get what he’s providing elsewhere with the Streamonator.

Ryne Nelson – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.19. Trying to come up with something pithy for Ryne, but I’m just bitter.

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Whoever it was that just dropped him to get him going? Thank you.

Owen Caissie – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .217. He should be in the minors, but, then again, hitting in front of him is Christopher Morel (0-for-4, hitting .162), who should be in the minors even more so.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 15th homer. Jokes aside about him brushing his teeth by driving with his head out the window and having his wife squirt toothpaste into the air as he passes, he’s having a nice season.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. His June has been fairly quiet compared to his May. Wonder if his Circadian rhythms are off.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Funny enough, eight is his mom’s favorite number for how much she charges multiples of when she’s illegally selling his cars.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.35. He held down Yohendrick Pinango and the rest of the Jays are no problem.

Max Scherzer – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.23 as he was activated from the IL. Let’s check out the scouting report! Has two different colored eyes, is 41 years old, spits nails. I don’t know, I’d prolly wait and see.

Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .303. I watched him hit this home run yesterday and he really figured it out this year. He is swinging so damn easy, relying on his 77 tons of torque, rather than swinging “hard.”

Alec Burleson – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in a week. Burle puffing out his chest!

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Sweet, now five more homers and his next quad injury.

Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.42. Let’s just say, his ability to find a precision-like tailor is better than his pitching.

Matt Chapman – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, four homers in a week. Has finally come out of his season-long scuffling. OR HAS HE?! Damn, Mr. Reversal coming through with the heart attack-inducing screams. Chapman has some of the worst year-over-year drops in exit velocity and barrel rate. He looks awful under the hood. Yet — again with some stank! — YET! he looks hot.

Bryce Eldridge – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and second blurb in two days I’ve told you about picking him up.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Gotta love some garbage-time homers. GTH, baby! Gym, tan, homers!

James Wood – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .271. Wood, you look at that (likely since it was his homer).

Curtis Mead -2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .242. Glad I have him in one league, and wish I had him in every league instead of Vlad Jr.

Foster Griffin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Him facing off with Robbie Ray is a good example of, “This pitcher you know and this one you don’t know, and the one you don’t know is better than the one you do know.”

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Albombso!

Jackson Holliday – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .220. I get it, he had the hamate bone thing, but are we sure Holliday isn’t just a big bust? Enjoy Ethan Holliday, I don’t trust any of them.

Brandon Young – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.02. He has 6.7 K/9, 3 BB/9 and looks unlike any other pitching he’s done in pro ball. Usually better Ks and command, but still neutrally around a 4.25 ERA pitcher. Streamonator says he gets the M’s again (faced them last night), but in Seattle. Can’t get excited about it, and I tried, trust me.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 4.07. In 2023, Kirby’s K/BB was 9.1. This year it’s near 3.5. One love, but what the eff?

Will Smith – Sounds headed to the IL with a stiff neck. Must’ve got a Viagra stuck in his throat. This is good news for Rushing. Not the act of brushing your teeth in the car on the way to work like Bryce Harper, but Dalton.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.06, 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .299. Raised his ERA pretty significantly this game. Shame. Oh well. Good run, old sport!

Ryan Ward – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. Ward, better not mess with this Beaver! Wait, what?

Jared Jones – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.73. Yeah, but he has a top seven OPS. Wait, that’s still Ohtani.

Tyler Callihan – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. He started in pro ball in 2019 as a 19 year-old. Now it’s 2026 and guess how old he is! No, he’s 25. Why did you say 26? He doesn’t turn 26 until next week. Have you shopped yet for his birthday? This year in Triple-A, he went 5/8/.223 and that is so bad I don’t understand why he was called up, but color me a ding dong because he went bing bong off Ohtani (then hurt Hurt). There’s nothing really here, but now you know. Ain’t you the smart one!

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .289, 2nd homer in two games. Call him Aren’t-Ya-Glad-He-Ain’t Vlad.

Oneil Cruz – Hit the IL with a multiple fractures on his left hand. No, I didn’t want it like this. Not like this! Let him hit .180 with a 35 K%. I’m sorry, it looks like Cruz is expected to miss at least a month. I’m sure when he returns a fractured hand won’t cause him trouble. Or The Troubles if an O’Neil is reading about Oneil.