The Mets started Jerry “Mathers As The” Blevins yesterday (as a starter; not because the Mets are ‘bullpenning’ but because they are bullsh*tting), taking advantage of the Mets waving the white (person sitcom star) flag was everyone on the Dodgers.  First up, Enrique Hernandez (3-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .232) as he hit his 11th and 12th homer in Metco.  Or as Jesse Jackson would say, “Kike homered in Jaime town.”  By the by, players who Hernandez has more homers than (this is gonna make you cry):  Jose Abreu, Bregman, Dozier, Ozuna, Matt Chapman and Smoak, to name but a few.  I’ve been rocking Enrique — sounds Enrisqué! — for the whole year in an NL-Only league, but he doesn’t play every day (unlike all those schmohawks he’s besting on power).  Next up, Cody Bellinger (2-for-5, hitting .239) as he hit his 14th and 15th homer.  I get the sense that people think Cody’s absolutely bombing out his sophomore year.  Not close.  He’s not repeating his great rookie year (yet), but he is top 75-ish on the Player Rater and could easily be top 30 on the year with one extended hot streak.  Lastly, Max Muncy (2-for-5) hit his 15th homer, or as I like to call him, This Year’s Chris Taylor.  Muncy is having a legitimate breakout, or the Dodgers are slowly poisoning Taylor to make Muncy look great for a case of Muncyhausen By Proxy.  I think it’s the former, but a teamster smoking may not be the only one leaning on the latter.  To buy Muncy’s breakout, you have to buy a near-30% HR/FB, but he is top 35 for exit velocity, top 10-ish for hard contact percentage, and 2nd for Barrels.  What does all this mean?  The breakout looks real and beautiful.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clayton Kershaw – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.94, in his first and final rehab start vs. the Mess.  Kershaw looked ready to go for a major league matchup next time, when he faces a team that isn’t rostering Jose Bautista, Todd Frazier and Uncle Fester.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.30.  Visual metaphor alert!  A TNT fuse is burning rapidly.  The fuse has nearly reached the TNT, which is on top of Hill’s blister.

Noah Syndergaard – Threw off the mound today, which puts him about a week away from rehab starts, and two weeks from returning.  Not that the Mets need him, they started The Blevins.  Everything’s fine.  *insert meme of burning room*

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .274.  I’m happy for Asdrubal, I am, but the Mets got me annoyed AF.  Yesterday, they said they want to give Jose Reyes (0-for-5, hitting .170) more at-bats at the expense of Amed Rosario.  That’s right, a guy who could be a future star benched for a guy who leaves people seeing stars.

Dylan Covey – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.45, or ERA at ShE if you’re reading this upside down on a calculator.  The Regression Fairies are regulating Covey for eating that dolphin meat, and I’m here for it.

Carlos Rodon – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.70.  Stream-o-Nator loved this start of his, and likes his next one.  Basically, any start where he’s not facing the Indians, we’ll take it!

Yolmer Sanchez – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (7).  I owned Yolmer for the last five days after I dropped Odor, then, yesterday morning I was like, “Why do I own Yolmer?” and dropped him prior to this game.  *ties self to train tracks, 1920’s era comedian tries to rescue me*  No, let me be!  And your fast motion is making me nauseous!

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .228.  I wonder if Moncada’s ears are ringing because people are non-stop talking about him, usually about dropping him.  By the by, I Googled “Means someone’s talking about you,” and literally everything means that:  ringing ears, itchy nose, itchy ears…  What if people are talking about you, but they’re saying, “He needs to see a doctor because of his itchy nose and ringing ears.”

Jake Odorizzi – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.97.  More like Jake Rougned Odorizzi.  Amiright?!

Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.15 vs. Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.72.  This matchup was billed as, “A guy who sounds like a flavor of fruit punch vs. The Kool-Aid Man.”

Domingo Santana – Optioned to Triple-A.  The writing was on the wall for Sunday Santana since they went out and traded for Yelich.  Then, when they signed Cain…Sugar!, someone performing community service was ordered to wash down the writing on the wall because The State deemed it unnecessary to leave the writing on the wall since it was so obvious Sunday was doomed.  This Sunday is not funday.  Prospector Ralph texted me that the Brewers should trade Domingo to the Rays for Archer, and I said it made sense, then Ralph said, “Wanna hear why I won’t be buying from legalized dispensaries?” and I said, “Not right now, Ralph.”

Travis Shaw – Exited yesterday’s game with wrist soreness that has been lingering.  Yuck, my least favorite lingering since malingering.  This smells of a DL stint.

Jhoulys Chacin – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 3.82.  The Regression Fairies love the strong female characters of Killing Eve, can’t believe the amount of calories in a Chipwich, and will destroy your ratios.

Miles Mikolas – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.69.  He gave up two 1st inning runs, and I thought we were going for yet another subpar start after his last two, but, he stopped the bleeding, and now we can go into his next start vs. the Braves with some faux confidence.

Jordan Lyles – Didn’t start on Saturday when he felt forearm tightness.  Or as Jordan dejectedly said, “Amman.”

Manuel Margot – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week.  I wouldn’t move Ted Williams’ Frozen Head into the microwave just yet, but Margot is definitely worth grabbing.

Brad Hand – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 4th blown save, and 5th run allowed in the last four appearances.  Bad, Hand, bad.  You should own Yates, but I doubt he becomes the closer without this Hand being dealt (pun points!).

Dereck Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.82.  This was a straight Stream-o-Nator call, and Dereck’s next one is dreck, so avoid.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86.  You before the game, “Should be a nice and easy matchup for Ed-Rod.”  You after the game, “Hello, do you have diapers the size of a bed?  Great, can I have one delivered to Eduardo Rodriguez’s house?”

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting near-.475 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, 1 BB, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.56.  Last year at this point, Sale had a 2.61 ERA.  Sale’s marked down!

Mike Leake – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11.  I feel like this start will be quoted in Gamblers Anonymous.  “I was on such a good run that I put a G on Mike Leake in Fenway, and won it.  So, I was able to buy back my kid’s braces from that pawn shop.  Then, I bet everything, plus my kid’s kidney, on Marco Gonzales.  Now I’m selling blowies for money!”

Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.44.  I’ve mentioned this before (many times), but I do my rankings in a vacuum.  No, I don’t shrink myself and jump into Jarrod or Sam Dyson’s mouth.  What I mean is I do my rankings without looking at anyone else’s.  Of course, afterwards I look to see where I’m with the field and where I’m far afield.  Before I look, there’s some players I think I’m going to be relatively close to consensus on, and others I know I will be on my own.  With Bauer?  I honestly thought everyone would’ve saw what he did in the 2nd half last year, and been excited for him.  I did not expect to be so far above everyone else.  This makes me think a lot of people just look at where others rank a guy and adjust from there.  So, when the consensus said 170 for Bauer, if someone liked him, they put him around 150 and moved on.  In conclusion, I am literally the only person ranking players outside of groupthink.

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .296.  As much as I wish I owned Jo-Ram, it is kinda #firstplaceteamproblems since Lindor has not been bad at all.  On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Lindor is easy top ten, pushing top five overall.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (23) and legs (12), hitting .296.  Member the game where you’d put your hand on the ground, then someone would put their hand on top of it, and you put your other hand on top of theirs, and then they’d put their 2nd hand on top of your 2nd hand and the game was to keep pulling out the bottom hand and placing it on top?  Jo-Ram and Lindor are playing that game with baseball.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer.  Definitely the Garbage Pail Kid, Snoozy Lucy, but hitting near-.333 with multiple homers in the last week.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer.  The whole Indians offense is super-charged on Fanta right now.

Caleb Smith – Left the game with shoulder tightness.  Careful how big your “aw shucks” is at this news; it’ll say more about the state of your team than you might want.

Derek Dietrich – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games, hitting .302.  I do like Dietrich, likely more than I should, but this weekend he was in Coors, so that log may be rolling the lumberjack soon — I just made up that expression, but it’s good, right?  C’mon, lie to me!

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  I’d love to show you the Eiffel Tower I’ve constructed out of styrofoam peanuts but the glue is air drying by the window–NOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!

Nick Senzel – Just as it looked like Senzel was on the bullet train from Louisville to Cincy, he tore his pointer finger tendon and needs season-ending surgery.  At least this should curb his vertigo since he can no longer point out blondes by the Golden Gate bridge.

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09, and he pitchslapped a grand slam off Duensing, who apparently is not a machine, again, he is not a Duensing, Duensing, Duensing machine.  DeSclafani, mansplainly, is interesting to me in deep leagues, but I can’t imagine any circumstances where I trust him for mixed leagues.  Not for at least another month of starts.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .262, .376 OBP.  It was a pinch hit homer, because the Reds just have too many weapons to be playing Winker.  I mean, c’mon, Adam Duvall’s hitting .203 with a .284 OBP.  You can’t bench that.

Yu Darvish – Will begin a rehab assignment today in Low-A South Bend.  I prefer the South Bend of Yog-A.

Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.39 and pitchslapped by pinch hitter pitcher, Michael Lorenzen.  At least the Reds have good hitting pitchers.  Two inherited runners scored on Montgomery to make his line look worse than it was.  Serious question, if Montgomery is pitching this well, why would you ever replace him with Darvish?

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .237.  HR to the Rizzo!  And tying the fire emoji home run pace of Enrique Hernandez.

Arodys Vizcaino – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation.  This proves we can’t have anything nice.  We meaning me and the chalk outlines around all of my relievers.  Two weeks ago, “Not saying I’m dominating, but Kelvin Herrera, Morrow, Vizcaino and Strickland are doing work!”  Now, a cardboard sign on corner of San Vicente and Olympic, “Will work for a closer.”  When the closerpocalypse picks up steam, nothing’s stopping that storm front, huh?  I’d grab A.J. Minter and Dan Winkler, in that order.

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th steal, hitting .264.  Albies did something and it didn’t involve a home run?  Crazy.  Dr. Dre’s fantasy team, Albeez Nuts, must’ve had a nice Sunday.

Julio Teheran – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.52.  On Saturday, Teheran gave up a grand slam in the 1st to hot schmotato, Mark Trumbo — Schmbo? — and really never found his groove after that, or before it, except for a few games sprinkled in.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  I don’t usually mention pinch hit homers, but Trumbo now has five homers in the last week.  Absolutely grab him in all leagues.  Yes, even that one.

Sonny Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.93.  He’s been a salve for my ulcer that he helped caused, because now I see him and it’s soothing to realize I no longer own him when he gets lit up by the Rays.

Domingo German – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40.  How did German look yesterday?  Narrator, “The year was 1949, the Allies were splitting up parts of Germany.  This part of Berlin to East Germany, that part of Berlin to the West, this part of Sauerkrautenfurter to the East, that part of Bratwurstneinbonn to the West.”  Everything was hit hard yesterday off German, and that’s against the fierce combo of Adeiny Hechavarria and PTBNL.  German gets the Sawx next, and I’d look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and only one home run off the pace of Enrique Hernandez!

Giancarlo Stanton – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .262.  The “Giancarlo Can’t Hit On The Yankees” Choir was playing to sold out shows in April, and now they can barely find someone to open the amphitheater’s doors for their shows.  Sad.

Gary Sanchez – Likely headed to the DL with a tight groin.  Something none of his owners can complain of.

Jake Bauers – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  He was in Friday’s Buy and in the video above, and might be in next Friday’s Buy too.  Apparently, with Jake Bauers, time is not running out.

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.80, as he returned from the DL; Aaron Sanchez was placed on the DL, and Geoffrey Zakarian was Chopped.  Stroman looked great on Saturday, better than he had all year, which is saying very little.  He’s been dealing with shoulder inflammation and fatigue since February, and I don’t have high hopes for him like Stroman can’t reach high shelves.

Sam Gaviglio – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.98 and he was relieved by Joe Biagini.  Is this like in Goodfellas when Paulie buys the bar?  Are the Italians taking the pitchers out of the back of the Jays’ clubhouse and moving their guys into the front?

Devon Travis – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and third homer in the last ten games, and has a hit in eight of his last ten games, and I’m really struggling to make him sound appealing, is it obvious?

Kendrys Morales – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer, and third homer in the last five games.  Similar sitch as Trumbo.  Not entirely sure why the Jays aren’t playing Kendrys, because he’s smoking hot, but this was a pinch hit homer off Hansel Robles, who the Mets Jokey Smurf’d over to the Angels.

Tyler Skaggs – He’s been cleared for Monday.  Movie trailer voice, ominously, “But is Monday cleared for him?”

Garrett Richards – Will throw a bullpen session on Monday.  If his elbow/shoulder/forearm are attached to his torso afterwards, he will return next week.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56.  What’s even more remarkable than how Buchholz is throwing is that he knows when you’re looking at him on waivers and not picking him up, while waiting to explode on your team right after you do grab him.  Incredible!

David Peralta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .278.  Damn, way above that Enrique Hernandez pace!

Joe Musgrove – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.59, and the game was (luckily) interrupted by rain.  Too bad Musgrove’s owners didn’t get a little serendiPPDy.  *sees Musgrove’s next start is vs. the Padres, sees what he’s done in his last starts against less than stellar teams*  Damn, you pay me to make the tough calls — and by ‘pay’ I mean ‘not pay’ — but even with all that non-paid money on the line, I don’t know what I’d do here.  I guess I’d hold Musgrove for one more start vs. the Padres, but it depends on options at this point.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games.  Your opportunity to buy low is slip slidin’ away.  Slip slidin’ away.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.58 vs. Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91.  This matchup was billed as Mardi Gras, because it was, as the Spanish say, Nola con Fedde.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (4).  All hail Rhysus!  Praise be, praise be.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER in the 8th inning.  I mean, maybe, just maybe, the Phillies relievers are rebelling from being brought into the game anywhere from the 5th thru 9th inning.  I hope that’s the reason that they all are a mess.

Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.06.  Whew, that was a scary matchup vs. the Nats.  Glad that’s over with!  *sees his next matchup is again vs. the Nats*  Oh, eff me and these unbalanced schedules.

Yuli Gurriel – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .306, and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Not saying he bathed himself in the magical elixir that is Moises Alou’s urine and that’s why his wrist is suddenly better, but I’m not not saying it either.  Absolutely worth grabbing if he’s out there in your league.

Alex Bregman – 0-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .259.  In the middle of the game, he shaved his mustache off to change his luck.   Did Fabio shave his head to change his luck?  What kind of monster takes the fruit of God’s nectar that is blessed on a man’s lip and willfully shaves it?  You don’t cut any hair on your body ever, you manage it with aplomb!  For shaving the blessed hairfruit, may Bregman’s career take a 15-year downturn, then surface again as a Russian spy in a character drama on FX.