Here’s what I’ve said previously about Aaron Hicks, “Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time! Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off. Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here. Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV. You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn. The internet though? You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john. You can Google something as innocuous as “Persian cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results. “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad! And, wow, I didn’t know Omar Sharif had so many nude scenes.” Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance. Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song. Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III. Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time. Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then. Any hoo! Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks. Coinkydink? Thinks not. He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .260 average. Of course, that doesn’t matter. We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 25, and should be owned everywhere.” And that’s me quoting me! Yes, the royal we (which is me wearing a Burger King crown) have been here before, but every year it’s the same story with Hicks, until he gets hurt. Hey, he’s more predictable than that hair band renaissance apparently! For now, Hicks is healthy, and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
John Hicks – I’m hoping when we’re going around the table at Thanksgiving dinner, my family turns to me, and I lower my head, saying, “Thank you for giving Hicks catcher eligibility the day before Miggy was injured for the year so I could start Hicks at catcher while he played 1st.” And my mother will cry, knowing how much that means to me, and I’ll look at her, saying with my eyes, “It’s okay, mother.”
Tom Murphy – I’ve often thought about how much a name matters. You don’t get much more boring than a name like Tom Murphy. Does that factor into enthusiasm for him? Not sure. Either way, Murphy could hit 15 homers in a half year, and is in Coors, so you always take the over on any power projection.
Jake Bauers – This is the saddest 1st base Buy pool we’ve had in a long time. I nearly listed Niko Goodrum, but then realized I just want to be good and drunk if I need a 1st baseman off waivers right now.
Ketel Marte – I have a (not so) secret love for Diamondbacks — Peralta, Au Shizz, Lamb, Owings, Marte — and a lot of times it’s unwarranted. Marte could fall into the unwarranted camp but he has been hot. A hot, unwarranted camp in Arizona doesn’t sound topical at all.
Adalberto Mondesi – He’s so fast he just ran into your room, mussed your hair and ran back out and you didn’t notice until your co-worker asks, “Hey, Bill, new hairdo? You look like a member of Flock of Seagulls.”
Matt Duffy – If I were a Rays fan, I’d be encouraged by Duffy, and, if I lived in Tampa, I’d go to a Hooters for dinner and say hello to my cousin who works there for the past four years while she figures herself out and say I have a good friend who works at a Tampa-area Tilted Kilt and she should apply there, they’re classier.
Johan Camargo – Who’s going to be the next Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion? Johan Camargoadamsiswadeboggsgirlfriend. Of course, that will mean Camargoadamsiswadeboggsgirlfriend struggles for another four years. See you in 2022! Though, in deeper leagues, he has been hot. Like Wade Boggs always tried to tell you!
Nick Senzel – After dealing with another case of vertigo, which is when you talk like Jimmy Stewart incessantly and chase after a blonde girl who wants nothing to do with you. By the way, watch Rear Window or Vertigo through the prism of #Metoo. Yo, Jimmy Stewart, stop perving! Any hoo! Senzel is back to doing his thing in Triple-A and really should be playing for the Reds, though I have no idea where, I guess Peraza goes to the bench. Well, that’s for another time, right now just stash Senzel.
Franklin Barreto – I just want to see Barreto face Lasagna, and then I’m going to dream I’m in Naples with Diane Lane and will hang a Do Not Disturb sign from my door for three minutes.
Joc Pederson – He’s cooled off a bit, but not enough to not own. What, you can’t dig on this Joc? Hehe.
Kevin Kiermaier – He feels like a movie that receives rave reviews from critics, then you see it and you’re like, “So, Blythe Danner leaning her head out the window signifies she feels liberated and I saw this for what? I mean, I can dig on her Cougar-ness, but I never want to see another movie with her or that John Krasinski guy calling someone mom or going to a funeral.” That’s Kiermaier. A lot more people will tell you he’s good vs. him actually being good.
Scott Schebler – No one wants Schebler, so I’m gonna list him and move on, but before I move on like I just promised you I would, on our Player Rater, Schebler is a top 50 outfielder. Above Ryan Braun, Puig, Polanco, Billy Hamilton, DeShields, Yoenis and Conforto, to name a few.
Leonys Martin – …continuing from the Schebler blurb, Leonys is the 37th best outfielder.
Randal Grichuk – As I said this morning, Grichuk is in this Buy column, so don’t call me a liar!
Mark Melancon – The Giants’ bullpen is elementary, my dear Tony Watson! That element is Boron, only it’s spelled Mboron, and the B is silent. If I’m being honest, I don’t know who’s closing in San Fran. It could be Sam Dyson still, Watson, Mark Melancon, Will Smith or Bochy putting the moron in Moronta. Melancon feels the safest right now, but that could change by tomorrow.
Hector Rondon – I know owning an Astros reliever who Hinch randomly uses in the 7th inning feels like taking a date to Benihana just for your buddha mug collection, but, guess what, I have a Benihana mug collection, so what’s your point?!
Yoshihisa Hirano – Did he add an extra “hi” into his name recently? “Yo, Hirano, you’re so friendly you should add an extra ‘hi’ into your name!” Through a translator, “I give extra ‘hi’ to your mother last night after I get in that–” Hey! So, Boxberger is sideways — I don’t want no more f**king Merlot! — and Bradley is likely staying in the Hader role, so Hirano could move into the closer role.
Seranthony Dominguez – True story alert! Gabe Kapler bought a carpool mannequin and is hoping to get him saves before the season is over. So, Seranthony may or may not get saves, but his ratios and Ks are worth owning in every league.
Daniel Murphy – Taking a page from Anime Grey’s video at the top of the page with this Sell, and going against conventional wisdom. Well, not against conventional conventional wisdom. One conventional, as in, “You sell guys when they’re going well.” ‘Sell-well’ but this is a ‘Sell…well.’ 2nd well as in resignation not satisfactory. I’m painting myself into a logic corner today! What I’m saying is the Buy/Sell tool says Murphy is a buy. One of the biggest Buys, actually, said the mansplainer. I’m saying sell Murphy low. I’d go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and see what you might be able to get for him. No, don’t sell him for an overnight stay at an Airbnb at Charlie Rose’s oceanfront bungalow.