Hey, wow, this is cool, so I’m at Canal Street in New York, right? And there’s this guy set up on a cardboard box with three cards face down. Two jokers and one ace, and on the other side of the cards is Alek Manoah‘s baseball card, and Alek Manoah is the one dealing the three-card monte, and I know it’s him because he’s wearing his Jays uniform and eating an ice cream bar. For the price of my fantasy team’s ratios, I can point to a card and, if it turns over to an ace, I win better ratios and if I choose one of the two jokers, I lose my league and will be forced to wear a potato sack in a Waffle House while not ordering anything but constantly saying, “I don’t know what I want yet,” for 24 hours straight. How hard could this be, right? So, he shuffles the deck, and it’s clear as day! The middle card is the ace! Give me the great ratios, baby! [five minutes later] This potato sack is so itchy. So, Alek Manoah (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00) threw his second consecutive solid game across two years. His mechanics look fixed. The slider (81 MPH) and the sinker (93 MPH) were working exceptionally well. He was trusting his change (87 MPH). Do I trust him? Absolutely not. Am I picking him up in deeper leagues? Yes. Start cutting arm-holes out of the potato sack. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Daniel Vogelbach – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Manoah dazzled with sliders and Vogelbach was aggressive at the plate. Coincidence?

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Saw he had five innings of shutout ball and I was like, Gausman’s train is back — choo! choo! — then, he was derailed and here’s hoping his next start is better.

Aaron Civale – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.92. At this point, I don’t remember what I saw in Civale in the preseason.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .309, and now hitting fifth and behind Jonathan Aranda (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .211) because: Reasons, I guess.

Luis Gil – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.39. Go ahead with your Skeneses (Skenii?), enjoy your Jared Jonii, I’m perfectly content with my Luis Gils.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .266. He turned his entire season around in two weeks. Please let me be saying this for JRod in two weeks.

Corey Julks – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Uh-oh, it’s the Incredible Julks (if one forgets the actual definition of incredible).

Brad Keller – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.86. I saw in the box score B. Keller, thought of Mitch Keller, then had a brain fart that this guy’s name was Mitch but with a B.

Luis Vazquez – Supposedly, being called up for Tuesday’s series start with the Braves, which means Nico Hoerner is headed to the IL. Vazquez looks like a 10/10/.230 hitter that’s fine for a NL-Only fill-in, but anything shallower and you’re treading in waters meant strictly for the very desperate.

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.84. “I think I might possess his body this year.” That’s the Ghost of “the Big Train” Walter Johnson looking at Shota in March.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (5), and 2nd homer this week. Not quite a hot schmotato, but a lukewarm schmotato with possibility for hot. One guy who is a hot schmotato on the Pirates is Nick Gonzales (2-for-4, 2 RBIs).

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.84. If I were in the quibbling mood, I’d see 3:3 K:BB and do a little quibbling, but vs. his April starts, he’s still cooking with gas.

Braxton Garrett – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.24. Yeah, he’s totally healthy. Nothing to see here. Just as good as–Has his arm fallen off yet?

Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.50. On a 427-foot homer to dead center, he pointed in the sky for the outfielder to catch it. For some reason, that move by a pitcher makes it all so much worse. I don’t know why, but it does. Insiders call that “The Hansel Robles Point.” May as well be pointing to a skywriter’s plane writing, “I’m cooked.” The homer was by Josh Bell too — ye of a 52% ground ball rate — just all-around terrible stuff from Edwin. For his handcuff, Reed Garrett’s been terrific, and got the save yesterday (2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.72) but should be rostered anyway, and he’s being used (and abused like Scott Proctor) in all sorts of scenarios. So, I’m speculating on Adam Ottavino, because he’s A) Available. B) Cheaper on FAAB, and decent. C. There’s no C.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer. He’s struggling, hitting .217, so he was moved down in the Mets’ order. To hitting third! Francisco Lindor (2-for-4, 2 runs) has struggled even worse, hitting .197. So, he was moved to leadoff!

Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Can Streamonator, but he should likely just be rostered.

MacKenzie Gore – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.30 vs. Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two pitchers opposed each other and ended with ERAs of 3.30 and 3.31 since 1894 when they just learned to count above 3.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Continues to have one of the best Mays of anyone. Well, him and Kevin Pillar.

Alec Bohm – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, RBIs up to 42, hitting .330. Hoove just gave you his breakdown for why Bohm is about to hit for more power in his Alec Bohm fantasy.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. True story that’s barely related, Cougs is short. She says she’s 4’11”. So, I have this thing where I beg her to take pictures with everyone we meet who is shorter than her, so her entire camera roll will make her look tall. She won’t comply, but also hasn’t divorced me, so that’s win!

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .287. Did Mr. H2H become Captain Woo Cubano? In this grad thesis, we will explore just that.

Bailey Ober – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. Ya know what would be cool? If my starters I trusted gave me a reason to trust them.

Chris Paddack – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.47. You think Paddack deserved better than Jhoan Duran (2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15)? First of all, Duran’s wasn’t a blown save. Second, you know what people deserve now? You God?! Streamonator loves Paddack’s next one, which you know, God Almighty!!! Sorry, I lost it there for a second.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. And-Gim is not just a kid pretending to offhandedly remember his real favorite high school class.

Will Brennan – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he hit 5th, hitting .231, and you think I’m building to something but that’s all I got.

Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He was facing the Twins. There’s 12 good hitting teams in the majors; the Twins are the 13th, or the best bad hitting team.

Grayson Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.15, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Sorry for asking everyone on my floor why it’s Planet Fitness and not Planet Fatness.”

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.63, and his 9th save, after not pitching for six days. Reading tea leaves says O’s want Kimbrel to be the closer, and [slurp] oops, I just finished the tea.

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4 and a slam (15) and legs (7). He’s on pace for 55 homers and 20 steals. Zoinks!

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He’s hitting third for the O’s and somehow he has less RBIs on the year (15) than Luis Matos after three games.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.56. Eggggscellent, Mr. Burnes.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.99. The line doesn’t do the start justice. He looked much worse. Just a giant pile of steaming crap. George Crappy. Gonna hope it was an off day vs. a good team and try to think good thoughts.

Luis Matos – 0-for-4, but an insane weekend previously. Sometimes a guy does better in the majors than the minors, because the sacrifice he made of his neighbor’s guinea pig–Being told we don’t talk about the sacrificing of animals anymore. Britney, the guinea pig, a beautiful girl of two-point-five pounds happened to walk off a plank and into a cauldron of a witch’s stew. Her family is saying an accident, but her friends know. So, this weekend was an eye-popper for Luis Matos. Where did that come from? Literally no one knows. Which is why I’m slightly skeptical. He had 14 RBIs in 76 games last year in the majors. Then exceeded that in three games? [cough] Fluke! [cough] Grab him everywhere because sometimes guys get hot for a week, sometimes it’s months. He does have power, speed and a solid hit tool. So, if your outfield is feeling a bit stale, stay fresh with Matos!

Heliot Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Before Matos’s huge weekend (minus Sunday), I liked Ramos better. Not in the big picture, but as a schmotato pickup. In general, Ramos is Matos but subtract a quarter of his speed, power and hit tool. Call him Luis Minus.

Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.38. His pitching is so incredibly awful with a great ERA it’s legit hilarious. Jordan Hickarious.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Having a career year like he’s trying to get the Rockies to give him a 7-year, $180 million deal.

Kutter Crawford – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.17. He was a preseason sleeper. Just thought I should mention–Damn it, I had ketchup on my hand while patting my back. Little help!

Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .263. Big girls don’t cry, and big boys hit home runs. These are actual facts.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and fifth straight game with a homer. Someone get Dale Long out of deep freeze, we don’t want to have to rush it and microwave him.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .218. [doing rough math] That’s approximately 12 HRs and a .295 average after a trade to another team.

Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Need to say every so often Buehler is an ace still if he’s healthy, and there’s been no indication he’s not healthy.

Andy Pages – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hmm, I thought we moved on from him already. Turned the Pages, so to speak.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Sonavabench! I keep telling youse to trust your starters, and then I don’t trust Yu’s.

Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (9), hitting .212, as he bats 9th. If being honest, he’s doing better than I expected, and still barely staying in the lineup.

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s on pace for 32-ish homers; I bet he doesn’t sniff 22, for what it’s Cronenworth.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Hopes for his 30-homer season happening? Seems faded worse than your denim jacket with a Dokken patch. Would be nice to think he’s going to get crazy hot and make up for lost time, but it doesn’t really work like that.

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.79. If you removed Flaherty’s name and just looked at his stats, you’d think you were looking at an ace. Like a top five starter in baseball-type peripherals.

Seth Lugo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.79. That’s future AL Cy Young, Seth Lugo, to you!

Brent Rooker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .281. You could trade Vlad Jr. for something like Kirby Yates and Rooker, which would’ve sounded awful in the preseason, and win the trade.

Jose Soriano – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Until the Angels change their entire organization, I don’t know if I can ever start one of their pitchers again. They are just a mess of an organization. Streamonator is iffy on Soriano, for what it’s Cronenworth.

David Fletcher – MLB opened an investigation into David Fletcher’s alleged gambling with Shohei–I mean Fletcher gambled with Ippei’s illegal bookmaker. Seeing people say David Fletcher was Ohtani’s best friend. Means nothing, and honestly I hate the implication. Ohtani has a lot of best friends: Ippei, Fletcher, Hank, a Bellagio pit boss, the Ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson, Snowflake Bill, a guy who gambles on snowflake patterns repeating, Sal “The DFS Dream Maker” and the list of reputable best friends goes on and on.