Kris Bryant (3-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 8th and 9th homer) pulled a fast one on us. A switcheroo not seen since the 1987 sitcom, Switcheroo. Singing theme song, “He thought being a kid was tough, and the dad did too…Then a witch came along and did a switcheroo…Now the dad goes to school and the son has sex with the mom…Whatcha gonna do it’s a Switcheroo!” Kris Bryant’s switcheroo was pretending to be a washed-up baseball player, and he did a switcheroo with his former MVP self. Classic hijinks ensue, like the scene where fantasy baseballers mentally replace Kris Bryant with the schmohawk they drafted instead around 120th overall. Singing, “I thought drafting Kris Bryant would be tough, so I instead took Didi Gregarious, and now there’s no way I will be victorious…Switcheroo!” Classic fun TV theme song there. There were five bajillion home runs in just this game yesterday, so let’s get to it…Humming, “…so I instead took Didi Gregorius, and now there’s no way I will be victorious…Switcheroo!” Sorry, it’s so catchy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Javier Baez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Ian Happ – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, but left after a collision with Nico Hoerner, and Happ needed to be carted off the field. Just as it seemed like Happ was coming out of his early-season struggles, Little Nico Hoerner goes full throttle like he’s trying to treat-dig out a plum from a pie.

Luis Castillo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.07. Between Patrick Corbin and Castillo, Saturday was a great day to be a meh starter this year with promise, who I was hoping to see something from, and they return with:  Meh.

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.23. Hearing from people his velocity was down five miles per hour, which is cause for concern, an impending IL stint and Dr. James Andrews building a new wing on his veranda, but I didn’t see one beat writer saying it, and that much of a drop in velocity would have beat writers on it, I’d think. Statcast shows he was around 92 MPH at times on his 4-seamer, but his last pitch was 96, so prolly okay. Haha, very confident! Ugh.

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Moistasskiss!

Nick Castellanos – 5-for-6, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .330. The Greek God of Hard Contact was facing the Cubs, the team that first revealed his next level. ‘Member way back in 2019 when Castellanos was an 11-homer hitter in 103 games? He literally hasn’t stopped being a home run hitter since; it’s like he sucked the all-powerful tzatziki from all the Greek Gods, and harnessed it. “Except you Markakis, you can keep your tzatzakis.”

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Check out the big brain on this Eugenius deciding to come out of his early-season slump.

Luis Robert – Dealing with a hip flexor strain. Went down crossing 1st base and had to be helped off the field. Coincidentally, after seeing the injury, I had to be helped away from my computer. Optimistically, I’d guess Lou Bob misses about a month. Hopefully, Hall of Fame manager, Tony La Russa remembers who Robert is when he returns. “I’m sorry, Lamb needs to play, he’s free-range.”

Yermin Mercedes – Didn’t play yesterday because he was late for reporting time. Yermin Mercedes should’ve said he accidentally fell asleep at a stop sign.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.82, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Just want everyone to know I knew the answer was 1776. I just had a brain fart at Friday night trivia, saying 1988.”

Franmil Reyes – Out a few days on the paternity list. Johnson filling in, which ironically is also what got Franmil in trouble.

Triston McKenzie – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.27. Maybe we can sit Sticks McKenzie on the left side of the bench, and when Franmil returns he can sit on the right side and seesaw Sticks to the moon.

Zach Plesac – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Looking for hope, finding four walks in under six innings. His opponent, Lucas Giolito (5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.99) pitched marginally better. Start spreading the good news, we got margarine butter.

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .188. As someone who has him in one league, this was the first game I can remember being thankful I have Cesar and didn’t go Roman waivers.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and a slam (5), and legs (5), and three homers in the last four games, hitting .277. Five homers and five steals through roughly one month? Oh, just the ol’ 30/30 pace. I’ll buy that Diner-Falafel for a dollar!

Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.32. He’s found nearly all his velocity back from 2019, and looks more like a low-4 ERA pitcher than the high-4 ERA pitcher he became. It’s still kinda lowercase yay, but he’s now in the Streamonator camp vs. a total ignore.

Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.60. That’s the 2nd lowest Royals ERA of all-time thru five starts, behind Greinke’s Cy Young year of 2009. By the way, his Cy Young speech was 500 words about Chipotle guacamole. Long overdue that I watched Duffy, and 96 MPH paint, which is significant for a guy who was throwing 92 MPH last year. Of course, extra giddy-up helps the slider and change. He’s still throwing much closer to a 3.30-3.50 ERA pitcher, and not 0.60 ERA, but 3.30-ish plays in all leagues, so I wouldn’t expect him to become completely unusable.

Alex Kirilloff – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 4th homer in three games, and there’s not a hotter schmotato as far as the eye can see in Hot Schmotato Land.

Mitch Garver – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .185. Mitch most definitely doesn’t kill my vibe.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.58. The Twins jumped out to a huge lead, and Berrios cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. After Simmons hit that, the announcer exclaimed, “What a shot,” and Andrelton said, “Wait, I have the antibodies.”

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I can explain why he had his first home run in forever, and maybe his first hit — I just dropped him the other day. You’re welcome.

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Take that, Switcheroo theme song!

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49 vs. Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunner, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Walker matching Wheeler every step, like the game was played on top of four punctured tennis balls.

J.D. Davis – Dealing with a left hand sprain. I’m going to get a hand sprain telling people to pick up and drop Davis.

Edwin Diaz – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.22. How about we all play in Holds+Saves leagues next year? Huh? Deal?

David Peterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.81. Am I losing my mind because of bullpens or do certain pitchers have a worse ERA than they should have? Has Peterson pitcher poorly for a 4.81 ERA? Like what even?

Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.03. This looked like vintage Kluber, until you realize the Tigers, his opponent, are hitting .200 as a team. Their three-hole hitter, Miguel Cabrera (0-for-4), is hitting .115.

Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.72. And you said there was nothing left in the tank! *sees three Ks vs. the Pirates* Meh, okay, so it’s like there’s used deep-fry oil in the tank and it smells like a jalopy running on churros. It could be better, the Streamonator does love his next, and I’m streaming him so this will work out great.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, and only 2nd hit this season. Sounds like Keston Hiura.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, and will likely be hitting leadoff again soon because George Springer (0-for-3) is Mr. Glass. What’s going on with Springer? He can’t play a full 9 innings? Yesterday, he left with leg fatigue. (Pronounced ‘fay-tee-gay,’ it’s Italian.)

Alejandro Kirk – Hit the IL with a left hip flexor injury. Damn, it’s like he’s dealing with Gamelitis. The WebMD page says, “The injury that happens right when a young player gets playing time and has the ability to breakout. Coined by a rather handsome fantasy baseball expert named Grey Albright five years ago about Mat Gamel.” Geez, I’m gonna have to check the WebMD page for ‘intense blushing.’

Travis d’Arnaud – Hit the 60-day IL with a thumb injury. With Kirk and d’Arnaud both going down, Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time two catchers were injured in the same game since prolly April, adding, “We’re moving offices, so we don’t have a ton of trivia right now.” Okay, cool. Since this is a 60-day IL, Alex Jackson is beyond awful, and the Braves called up William Contreras. I grabbed mini-Contreras in 15-team mixers and deeper. Though, I just didn’t have a need in shallower leagues, so that was the only reason I didn’t grab him there. Many think Young Contreras can be better than Old Contreras, but there could be growing pains, Mike Seaver.

Dustin May – Left Saturday’s game with an arm injury that looked like it could knock him out for the season. He yelled Mayday and people got confused thinking he was psyching himself up. May getting hurt on May 1st, is the worst irony since Miranda July couldn’t find a match for her fireworks display. “My sparkler is sparkless.” That’s Miranda July. May heads for an MRI today, and he had a shooting sensation in his arm, so I’d expect bad news. Reached out to some people about Josiah Gray coming up to replace him or Jimmy Nelson (I had NL-Only questions, y’all!), but the Dodgers won’t need a starter for a week and a half, so there could be one bullpen game to buy time until Tony Gonsolin returns. Depends on how deep your league is on whether you should be stashing Gonsolin now.

A.J. Pollock – 3-for-6, 8 RBIs and two homers (3, 4). Also, in this game, Matt Beaty (4-for-6, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 1st homer). They accounted for 15 of the Dodgers’ 16 runs. Shame Beaty/Pollock, the LA power couple, were like a regular Bonnie and Clyde, and managed to perform with an Absence of Malice, Tootsie.

Omar Narvaez – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring, and the Brewers lost Manny Pina, earlier in the week. Your Brewers’ starting catchers, Candice Bergen’s ex-husband Luke Maile (this is a very hip reference), and Jacob Nottingham (2-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 1st and 2nd homer), who  is a 2nd catcher for NL-Only or Sheriff-only leagues.

Griffin Canning – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.20. Hope I’m wrong, but it feels like it’s one good start, one terrible start back-to-back with Canning. Streamonator says his next start is tough, and I agree, so it would be nice to see him string together something worthwhile. I’m basically writing out my vision board right now.

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-3 and two steals (5, 6). Good way to make me into a Ohstani is getting two steals in a game with no hits.

Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save as Kendall Graveman (1 IP, 0 ER) worked the 8th. I’m going to name my first ulcer: The Mariners bullpen.

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Wow, outside of the iron fist of Kevin Cash, Snell is really going deep into games.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .240. FTJ! Fun The Jewels fast!

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.04. Ya gotta admit you were a little worried about starting him in San Diego. Gausman don’t miss, bros and five lady bros!

Mike Tauchman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as he hits 2nd. In my NL-Only leagues, I’m Futurama’s Fry, screaming, “Shut up and take my money!” In mixed leagues, I’m prolly letting someone else grab him still.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and hitting well in the last four games, though not with a ton of power. Though, Part II:  They Keep Making Thoughs, yesterday’s home run was a boom. Could be a light schmotato.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3), and left the game after taking a pitch off his finger. Nice things <does not equal sign> me. Gonna need a prayer hexagon that Story’s okay. Please, Fantasy Baseball Overlord.

Daniel Bard – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 9.00. Kazaam! Why was he in a tie game in the 8th inning? Oh my God, I hate Bud Black so much!

Isan Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff, which is from Jim Leyland’s School of Managing. Chisholm is out; Diaz is replacing him, so he goes in the exact same lineup spot. Does it make any sense? Nope! Not at all.

Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 8.10. This start was vs. Marlins, a roughly league-average offense. They sit around the middle for AVG and OBP, kinda meh, which is a good adjective for Corbin’s start — meh.

Max Scherzer – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.54. After the game, he rushed to the hospital because his wife was in labor. Leaning in as his baby is emerging, “I don’t know how you do it, Doc. If a baby was coming out of Yan Gomes’s crotch, I’d never be able to concentrate.”

Jose Urquidy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Didn’t like Urquidy coming into this year, and based on his numbers this year, I like him a tad less. His numbers look like a young Kyle Gibson. I will call him Debbie Gibson covering Paula Abdul’s Forever Your Ur.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. So far Yordan’s being housed in fantasy value by about five other DHs. Power up the Yordong! If you want, that’s me asking for consent.

Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. Are Cedric Mullins and Austin Hays sharing should-be-leadoff-with-some-power-and-speed powers?

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .233. Any guesses where Laureano is on the Player Rater? I don’t know what you’re guessing, but I can almost guarantee you’re too low.

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .314, as picked up right where he left off, after a ball hit his eye, i.e., from teabagger to four-bagger.

Jesus Luzardo – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.79, but hit the IL after fracturing his hand, playing a video game. All those years as a teenager playing video games I thought my mom was calling me a loser. “You’ll hurt your hand if you keep playing with your joystick so much, you loser!” Crazy thing is we didn’t even have a video game system.