“Thinking about how I could’ve had Jose Abreu three rounds after Pete Alonso,” is what I tell the man in the plane after I say I want to parachute from the plane without a parachute. “You have anything that burns hotter than 500 degrees?” Is what I ask the grill store employee as I put charcoal briquettes down my pants as I watch Jose Abreu hit six homers in one series. “Just seeing if I can chew glass, that’s all,” which is what I say to Cougs as I bite into a water glass while thinking about El Grande Dolor hitting .322 and four home runs in a row from Saturday until Sunday. “No, I’m not cutting onions, I’m ripping my fingernails out,” which is what I say to my reflection when I think about how Jose Abreu has 11 homers and Pete Alonso hasn’t played in four days and was moved down the lineup for Dom Smith. How’s everyone else doing, that’s nice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Reynaldo Lopez – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he was activated from the IL. I ain’t down with new Star Wars, and don’t care about Rey-Lo.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.13. It’s painful for me to dig in my heels that a pitcher isn’t pitching well, when he has a good ERA and we’re in such a weird, short season, but Cease has been bleh, contrary to ERA evidence. With that said, every pitcher has about six more starts, so Cease the day.

Kris Bryant – Hit the IL with a pain in his left ring finger. Similar thing happened to me on my wedding night, and it never healed.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.70. Since July of last year, Darvish might be the best pitcher. List definitely isn’t longer than three (with Biebs/deGrom). By the by, how did I draft Darvish in so many leagues when people were drafting Clevinger in, like, the top 25 overall?

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. In related news, that’s five times now Joe Buck’s gone into his mother’s guest bathroom and screamed, “Don’t bother me! I’m going to do a 45-minute poo!” Then exited almost an hour later, and didn’t flush the toilet.

Stephen Strasburg – Hit the 60-day IL. This seemed to be coming from about three weeks away when he said something like, “Maybe I’ll come back for this season, whatever this season is.” And that’s me paraphrasing me! Stressbird had checked out around that time. Also, not to pile on, but I told you not to draft him this year or Scherzer, speaking of which…

Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.31. Yeah, he’s totally himself and won’t say at the end of the year his back’s been bothering him for 18 months.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.48. Looked Anigood, has been Anibad, next up, Aniokay?

Luis Garcia – 3-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .357. Sounds like Charlie Sheen in Platoon, hitting that .357. Not enough has prolly been made of Garcia on these pages. He can hit for power and steal some bags, but will likely be hitting closer to .250.

Sixto Sanchez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st major league start. Oh, he’s gonna be so good. This year? Meh, maybe, maybe not. He was shooting 100 MPH darts and dropping nasty sliders like en bee dee. You know you’re doing something right when a 91 MPH change has hitters off balance. Marlins turning the page from the six-fingered Alfonseca to the Sixto’d One is in full effect.

Jay Bruce – Hit the IL with a quad injury, and Adam Haseley was activated. “Yo, hit me up if you need another outfielder.” That’s Domonic Brown.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Wheeler keeps on rollin’. *Tiger Woods fist pump, does a little ‘terrible pun’ dance* I still got–God damn it, I think I pulled my back.

Alec Bohm – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st major league homer. A 446-foot deep drive. That’s an Alec Bohm bomb. Hearing a lot of people say Jake Cronenworth is pace car for the NL ROY, but don’t think he’s got it locked up or that anyone cares. Almost sillier than giving out awards this year is going to be people who are upset about who won the awards. “C’mon, Bohm had four homers and hit .310 in 124 ABs! How’s that not the Rookie of the Year?”

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Is there anything Hoskins can do to get back in people’s good graces? Yes. Can he do those things? I have reached Critical Doubts mode.

Brandon Workman – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st save with Philly. Already looking like he can slide right into the Phils’ pen and pick up where Neris left off by being absolutely mediocre. If you hadn’t heard, Matt Barnes is now the Red Sox closer. That’ll be great, as well.

Nick Anderson – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. Guess that explains why he hadn’t been closing games all year–I’m kidding! Cash is the reason! Cash is always the reason! Cash ruins everything around me! Castillo is the obvious fill-in for saves in Tampa, which means Jalen Beeks, Fairbanks, Thompson…Literally anyone else will get saves. Yesterday, J. Curtiss (1 2/3 IP, 0 ER) got his first save. What an ignorant slut!

Matt Shoemaker – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Now we just need Garrett Richards to join The Cobbler, Judge, Giancarlo and Paxton and it will prove that even in a 60-game season, injury-prone guys are injury-prone guys.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-1, 2 runs, and a slam (10) and a double legs (3, 4), hitting .296. I want to have his babies.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .264. Lou-Gu, my guy! Get hot, my main squeeze, that’s an order, but you do what you want, because I’m woke and very understanding, but seriously get hot.

Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Streamonator loves his next start, and I’m with that ‘sitt.

Hunter Pence – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to mate, so Gangly Manbirds don’t go extinct.

Tyler Anderson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Hey, word to the wise, if you’re gonna go the distance, wait until it’s a 7-inning game. I was thisclose to streaming Tyler Anderson, but a 90 MPH fastball and a 6 K/9 doesn’t exactly light a fire under the man area.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Not to get all toothpaste commercial on you, but nine out of ten times I’m fine with starting anyone in San Fran.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .309. Look at the last outfielder on your fantasy team. Betcha Yaz Jr. Jr. is better.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (1). Pillar rocks! What, I’ve reached my statue of limitations on puns? (Ha, my autocorrect changed that to statute like three times. Hey, autocorrect, I’m doing puns on a Pillar, leave me the eff alone!) By the by, I owned Pillar yesterday for this game and didn’t realize it until after the games had begun. Thank you for some divine inattention!

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Wake me when he walks three times in a game.

Will Smith – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, as he was activated from the IL. Just what Jada Pinkett needs, more options.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (10, 11) and double legs (4, 5), hitting .300. Mookie Best!

Corey Seager – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. Dodgers 100% win despite Dave Roberts. Case in point:  How is Chris Taylor their three-hole hitter? Seriously, dubya tee eff.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. C’mon, Chris Taylor hitting third? That makes sense to anyone? Taylor could go 5-for-5 and it makes no sense.

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Am already thinking about writing a Ryan McMahon 2021 sleeper? Think he will still be cheap enough to warrant it? I kinda do.

Sam Hilliard – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and two homers in two games. Must be tough to be a young player in the Rockies’ lineup. If you do something good, you draw attention to yourself and Bud Black benches you.

Tarik Skubal – 2 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, ERA at 10.38, which is irrelevant. He’s not ready to pitch 5+ IP, which is admittedly sucky for this year, but I could gush like I’m wet and gushy at how gorge Tarik was throwing yesterday.

Niko Goodrum – 2-for-3, and a slam (5) and legs (3), hitting .202. Who do you think is higher on the Player Rater: Altuve or Goodrum? Altuve owners might need a drink.

Joe Jimenez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 12.46. Hmm, this is weird. The box score says he didn’t get the hold. Not the stat, I mean an actual hug. Tigers have nothing to play for, so they might try to get Jimenez right, or they might IL him to the Ineffective List, or they might go to Buck Farmer. Personally, I don’t want to mess with Joe or Buck or Joe Buck.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks in his 1st major league start. Not to defend Sixto, because 1st major league starts don’t really matter in the big picture, but McKenzie had an easier matchup. Also, home vs. away. But, of course, McKenzie looked great, it’s written all over his final line. So, if you didn’t see, he’s a string bean that pumps in 96 MPH and lots of other breaking stuff. All of it with pinpoint accuracy. The nice thing with McKenzie is he shouldn’t be a victim of huge blowouts, due to his command. The bad thing, he hasn’t really thrown much in the last two years. For this year only, McKenzie over Sixto, but that could change. *me looking out the window* What beautiful hedges.

Carlos Carrasco – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. As soon as I type “Car” into my browser, Carrasco’s player page comes up, because I don’t clear my cookies. Pun points! In a short-season, I’m willing to just forget peripherals and say the season is too short to wait around. As pointed out previously, Carrasco should be better, but do you wait for him? Depends on the league.

Kris Bubic – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.96. Lower half of my fantasy team says, “Oof,” after getting hit in the Bubic region.

Trevor Rosenthal – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.59. This is for Royals’ management. Everyone else can move on. Hey, Royals, you lucked into Rosenthal doing well. He’s not good. Now there’s ‘heat’ that teams want to trade for him. My suggestion is to not let him pitch again until you can trade him, because it will only lower his value. Oh, and tell Matheny that Rosenthal is hurt, because he won’t ever be able to understand any of this.

Hunter Dozier – 4-for-4, 3 runs, and three homers in the last week, and has been one of the hottest schmotatoes in schmotato land.

Kevin Newman – Was removed from the game with abdominal pain. Fun fact! Every winter, I build a snowman with chiseled abs and I call him, Abdominal Snowman.

Gregory Polanco – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and double legs (1, 2), hitting .151. I would be too, if I owned him.

Richard Rodriguez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save as Keone Kela reevaluates why he wanted to pitch this year. If you’re desperate for saves, you can grab Dick-Rod.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Funny (not haha), now it seems like people have cooled off on Ohtani, but, without pitching, he’s more valuable.

Frankie Montas – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.22. Right now, it’s easier watching Grace and Frankie.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .149. This guy is killing me. Didn’t draft him for singles, but I also don’t drink water for the taste.

Harrison Bader – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .233, but two homers in two games, and hot schmotato alert!

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Think he’s going to be good, but have been burned by Cards’ prospects in the past — farting in your general direction, Bader — so withholding love like your daddy.

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs with four singles. All the single Yadis! All the single Yadis! All the single Yadis!

Kwang-Hyun Kim – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.69. This cracked me up. A major league team, who presumably scouted Kim, spent money and time to research him, and even they had no clue what they had, putting him in the bullpen. Yet, we’re supposed to know who Kim is from scouting reports and a few Eminem songs?

Paul DeJong – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I was wearing the test around my neck to show everyone I was negative. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, I didn’t know it was a pregnancy test.”

Brandon Bielak – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.37. Hey, it’s great talking geopolitics with you in his bistro in Kabul, but I have to use the bathroom. Mind watching my ginger ale?…*four hours later*…Wow, must’ve fell asleep for a few–Wait a second, is that man harvesting my liver? AHHHH!!! Roofie!

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Only took three weeks for Tucker to move up to the cleanup spot, which honestly is impressive for Dusty, and I’m choosing to ignore that he had little choice with Bregman out, except for this mention of it.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (3). Pitch to the Padres hitters, and it’s like stepping in the Thunderdome, and they’re gonna lightning up the scoreboard.

Trent Grisham – 0-for-4, but hit three homers (5, 6, 7) on Saturday. I’ve been strutting like Ric Flair screaming, “Wooooo!” for the last two days due to Grisham. *remembering about Jose Abreu vs. Alonso* Stop stealing my joy!

Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. He was in Friday’s Buy column because I am a freakin’ genius–Oh, yeah, he was a Streamonator call. I actually own Sheffield in one deeper league and it’s gone like this, “Hey, he’s pitching well on my bench, I guess I’ll start him,” and, “Okay, that start sucked, I’m benching him again,” then, “Sonavabench! Why does he only pitch well on my bench?” And finally, “I guess I’m just going to start him every week, so expect his next start to be awful.” I.e., No Justus, no peace! Justus? No peace!

Justin Dunn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.57. Maybe instead of talking about how there was Justus administered vs. the Rangers, we should talk about streaming pitchers vs. the Rangers. Do they have one hitter doing decently? Oh, yeah, Derek Dietrich. *insert Michael Scott grimace*

Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Every time Lewis homers I dress up like a Mardi Gras Indian and lead Cougs and my dog, Ted, around the house for a fifteen-minute parade. Why? It’s celebratory!