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Two homers apiece for Jesse Winker (2-for-8, hitting .226) and Juan Soto (2-for-6, 4 RBIs, hitting .245). 7th and 8th homer for Jesse Winker; 18th and 19th homer for Juan Soto. Both guys, dreadfully disappointing 1st half. For Winker, it’s kinda wild how a trade to a giant-dumptruck-on-the-ass-crack-of-bad-stadiums-for-hitters can completely derail a career. Now I know why he’s named Winker, he hoodwinked us into thinking he was a .280+ hitter. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo, Winker sucks! Neutral luck, Winker might not hit .245. Speaking of .245 said Captain Segue, Sexy Dr. Pepper is in a better place today than he was last year at this time. I’m also sick of him being in a 1st half slump every year. Is The Pepper Man disinterested? Can they trade him anywhere? Well, except to Seattle. Is he always going to be a 2nd half guy, because, while I like how he turns the Home Run Derby into a three-month thingamaderby, I wouldn’t mind if he did that for six months vs. three? How about before each game he has a coach toss him some lobs and smacks them into the upper deck? Can I be the only one ever to think of this? Why is this not going on if he keeps “needing” the “derby” to get “fixed?” I got questions, y’all! Toss Soto some 60 MPH fastballs pre-game and let’s go! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. Gray just didn’t have it yesterday. I went into a burger place, and asked for two boogers and everyone laughed at me–Oh, him Gray! Right, yeah, he didn’t have it either.

Tanner Rainey – Hit the 60-day IL with a UCL sprain, and he’s done for the year. Hope it doesn’t affect Tanner Rainey’s superhero alias, Sonny Gray. Don’t think Kyle Finnegan’s great, but neither are the Nats, so that’s a perfect fit. As always, the Bullpen Chart is up to date.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Ahem, that’s 12 homers and 36 total hits this year. A new Tom Murphy dropped.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. This was from a few days ago, but thought it was kinda wild:

Adam Frazier – 4-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Adam Frazier is the number one answer for Family Feud’s category, Guys Who Are Boring As Crap In Fantasy.

Keston Hiura – Optioned to the minors, because he was finally starting to hit? Hmm, that doesn’t track, but mine is not to reason why, mine is to find a girl to ride or die, to quote DMX.

Jace Peterson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Put that homer in the J. Peterson catalog under, “Bombs.”

Josh Hader – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.73. That’s for the one guy who kept commenting that I never mention Josh Hader.

Aaron Ashby – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.37 vs. Joe Ryan – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Streamonator loved Ryan’s start, and, bless that giant robot brain, because I didn’t trust Ryan, or Ashby for that matter. Lost trust in Ashby, in general, when he was out with forearm inflammation, and have slowly lost trust in Ryan when he had a 5.74 ERA in June. Can see getting back in on both, but gonna take a few trust falls, and two barely 5-ish inning starts ain’t it, bro.

Jose Miranda – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .260. He will be in Friday’s Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon (along with my top 100 for the 2nd half).

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45. Every time you think Morton’s turned a corner, he turns another corner and it’s back to him being garbage. Can he stop turning corners?

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. It would be my luck that Olson finally gets hot right as we go to the break, so he can then get cold over the break. This is my big concern with a lot of guys who are hitting right now.

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, 4th homer in five games, and hitting homers now solely to point out he’s still a better draft pick than Olson. Not cool, Riley.

Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .149. Monocle’ing but I’m a bored cyclops who can prolly find someone better.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. His hair is blue, but his owners aren’t, because their wives have a headache. Hey, look at me, I’m Andrew Dice Clay.

Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Kinda surprised he’s never gotten hot for longer than a game or two. He’s usually good for a hot month each year, i.e., give me the seasons of Narcos with Escobar going batshizz crazy.

Mark Canha – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. If I were his parents, I would’ve named him Chuckles, but I’m built different.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Sonavabench! Actually, with Bassitt, that would technically be a son of a bitch. It’s just chickenshizz of me to bench him, and I will never recover. *sips boba* Okay, I’m fine.

Jo Adell – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal as he was recalled from the minors. He was brought up to remind people the Angels have, like, five wins in the last 35 games, and still aren’t trying to get Adell major league at-bats.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.38, 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Beginning to think Ohtani might actually be a better pitcher than hitter this year and he’s still a top 20 hitter. Over his last 34 days, his pitching: 0.45 ERA, 58/11 K/BB, 39 2/3 IP. His hitting: .287/.393/.604, 8 HRs in 29 games. What we’re seeing right now from Shohei Ohtani might be the greatest stretch from a player ever.

Cristian Javier – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Ha, chill a little on the Ks, bro, need you to get to the 5th inning.

Jose Iglesias – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305. “Pray” (Slam The Hammer Jose Iglesias in Coors remix) off the Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Him album.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. His batting average (.237) and OBP (.318) have to be some kind of statistical anomalies with how hard he hits the ball and his walk rate.

Luis Severino – His velocity was down, and left with shoulder tightness. Welp, see ya in 15 months.

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. The 7, 8, and 9 hitter in the Reds’ lineup homered back-to-back-to-back and there was either something wrong with Severino or the apocalypse was about to happen. So, thankfully, Severino’s busted.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer.  Mostsuckass!

Stuart Fairchild – 2-for-3 and his 1st major league homers. Fun fact! Fairchild is an all-white Destiny’s Child cover band.

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Jon Gray calling Rockies starters who are still stuck in Colorado like Marvin Berry in Back to the Future calling Chuck.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He’s back on the juice! *sticks straw through Capri Sun pouch so it comes out other side, and sucks on air*

Paul Blackburn – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.62. In case you’re still holding hope for his April/May to return, stop. He’s not that good.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.02. Tony peeking out of his curtains, “Hey, why are there five guys in a PT Cruiser outside my home in rainbow leotards? Are they here to make me burgers?” The Regression Fairies, Tony! You can’t hide!

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. They’ve taken our kids, but all the kidnappers want is for us to text back YES and sign up for their mailing list…here the number is by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Spenser Watkins – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5Ks, ERA at 3.93. Imagine going up against the O’s and expecting to come out without getting your hand assed to you.

David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4th blown save, ERA at 3.16. After the game, Pirates’ front office met with Bednar to tell him he will be traded if he pitches better. The motivation every Pirates player needs.

JT Brubaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. I got fooled by Mitch Keller’s Got A New Pitch narrative brought to us by the lamestream media, so I can’t imagine picking up Brubaker, but his peripherals (9.3 K/9, 3.8 BB/9, 3.73 FIP) actually aren’t that bad. Can’t even promise I’d use the Streamonator with him, but might be worth a monocle.

Lucas Giolito – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.69. One of the bigger buy lows for the 2nd half, but now the price might’ve went up a hair.

Eloy Jimenez – Left the game with tightness in his leg. If only there was a way to prevent him from getting recurring leg injuries. If only modern science could figure out something. Like pregame stretches or something. Or maybe, I don’t know, just spitballing here, having him DH. Though, in fairness to that idea, he’d have to run down the base line at some point, so, I guess what I’m asking is, can Eloy play in a motorized scooter? Before writing it off, does it explicitly say in the rule book Eloy can’t?

Josh Winckowski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. When the wind blows through Josh Winder’s alphabet soup while he’s spelling his name, it turns into Josh Winckowski.

Bryson Stott – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Can we work out some kind of trade to send Stott to the Jays? The Jays can send back nothing. It’s in everyone’s best interest.

Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.89. Ugh, times like that I wish Wheeler wasn’t vaxxed.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers. Can’t believe Charlie Montoyo kept telling Teoscar to not hit homers. Glad they got rid of that bum!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Cake Batter is bringing sexy back, literally.

Ross Stripling – 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03. One of my bigger miscues of the season was dropping Stripling after his first two starts. I made the giant effin’ miscue of anticipating a guy getting worse vs. waiting for it. Clearly, he’s overperforming, but he’s been rosterable in the 15-team mixed league where I snafu’d.

MacKenzie Gore – Moved to the bullpen for a few weeks. Only wish they did it before his last blow up all over my team’s ratios.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11 vs. Brady Singer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Singer tied me a bit to the WHIPping post, but this matchup was of one guy I dropped recently and haven’t looked back on (Skubal), and another guy who I streamed. Thanks to Streamonator aka Robot Daddy.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-1 and his 13th homer. Was going to call him Mayor of Schmotatoland, population: Him, but he’s rostered in almost 80% of leagues. He’s not a schmotato; he’s the people’s 3rd baseman.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. Let’s go Brandon! I love that Belt homered yesterday, because I usually bench him, but yesterday Hunter Renfroe wasn’t starting, so that gave me room–Yes, this is about me! Will you let me finish? Ugh, forget it now, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. Belt’s been simmering, and might be heating up.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Who’s more boring than this guy? The answer is no one, that was easy. Who said Ketel’s the most boring? Me! Hey, man, you paying attention? Ketel’s been on a multi-year slide where it’s becoming hard to understand why we ever liked him.

Zac Gallen – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Ya know, ZG’s been a’ight or ‘ight, which is a’ight while cruising past his player page and seeing his stats and the wind blows a leaf into your mouth — a choking a’ight. His K/9 and BB/9 are 8.6 and 2/7 respectively with a 3.95 xFIP. I’ve seen better; I’ve seen worse; I’ve seen fire; I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen Gregg Jefferies while carrying his card and could not find a pen.