*nervous finger tap*  How many days without baseball?  So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything?  Okay.  *throws computer out window*  What?  Was there another way to close my fantasy team page?  I hadn’t in so long I forgot.  What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball?  But there’s real people out there!  I’m staying right here, thank you very much!  So, we’re headed to the break, and it couldn’t have come at a worst time for Jack Flaherty (7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.64).  Let him pitch again tomorrow, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or until his ERA is under 4!  Also, can he pitch against the Giants for all of those?  Even if Alex Dickerson is as strong a cleanup man as you can find (in any Division II school’s lineup). Flaherty’s peripherals (9.9 K/9, 3 BB/9, 4.07 xFIP) aren’t exactly whistling Dixie; they’re closer to ‘fixing dinner from stuff found on the floor of a Winn-Dixie.’  “Toomgis hate Winn-Dixie. Their bath salts are lame.”  I know, Toomgis, I know. Flaherty won’t appear in the top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming tomorrow, but at least he’s headed to the break looking better than he has all year, even if it was vs. the Aints. By the way, I hear the Orioles are going to pitch on Monday to stay in game shape. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.01.  Oh, by the way, as bad as the Aints are?  Yeah, Cards are worse.

Jake Arrieta – Dealing with a bone spur in his elbow. Phils say he might be able to wait until after the season for surgery. His 6.50+ ERA over the last two months say he should’ve had the surgery two months ago.

Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.74.  As I went over the last time, Nola has turned his season around in his last four starts.  Good for him and his fantasy owners, though, who are we kidding, mostly his owners.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer. Too bad the Phils had to give up Jarred Kelenic to get him!  Oops, that was the Mets and Edwin Diaz and Cano.

Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.69.  *buries head in the sand, muffled screams, spits some sand out of mouth so you can hear* He had a great 2nd half last year. *sand refills my pie hole*

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer.  Albombso!

Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.83.  I mentioned this the other day, but since I’m a massive jerk I will say again, Cashner is ranked higher on the Player Rater than Blake Snell.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!

Chance Sisco – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, that’s six homers in 19 games.  To think the O’s called him up at first and didn’t play him.  Amazing the Orioles ever win a game. *finger to ear bud* I’m being told they don’t.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (3).  You have to wonder if he’ll ever cool off, and, if you were to wonder that, check out Coolwhip’s Lourdes Gurriel Jr. fantasy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.56.  Streamonator loved this start for him, but you know what I love?  Not starting Pineda so he doesn’t blow up my shizz.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  He also stole a base, uncontested, while in the same game Treat Urner was caught stealing. I’m not bitter though.  *urinates on pH test strip* See, I’m acidic, but not bitter.

Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.34.  Ended up getting a no decision because Fernando Rodney is still in the major leagues.  Are we at all concerned that Rodney might be 3,000 years old and made of toxic waste that never decomposes?  “Hello, I am here from the year 2342. We believe Fernando Rodney is a time traveler because in the year 2342 the world has been overrun by imaginary monsters and everyone walks around shooting imaginary arrows.”

Victor Robles – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .246.  In my 2nd half top 100 that comes out tomorrow, there’s no Robles, but any guy that can give all five categories is a threat to be a top 100 guy.

Caleb Smith – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50, as he returned from the IL.  He was out much longer than I expected.  The good news is he could pitch from now until the end of the season without being needlessly shut down. The bad news, I was wrong about how long he’d be out, so why would I be right now?  Damn, the bad news was especially humbling.

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .306.  If he could get 550 ABs, he’d be as valuable as Jose Abreu.  Seriously.

Max Fried – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.29.  He had a 2.43 ERA in April, 4.11 ERA in May, 5.68 ERA in June, 9.00 ERA in July.  Can’t wait for his 36.00 ERA in August!

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Sigh.  My jinx didn’t work.  Though, perhaps that is the jinx I need.  We’re back on, jinxie! *assembles Fritos statue of Donaldson, bites into calf* Delicious, Fritos calf, you will be mine!

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70.  Not bad, but he’s no Andrew Cashner.  I’m such a massive jerk!

Emilio Pagan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.75 and his 5th save.  Pagan putting the Devil back in the Rays!  Will he continue to get saves? I have no effin’ idea, but worth a shot.

Christian Vazquez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He had ten homers in his career entering this season.  He’s on pace for 24 homers.  Totally normal baseballs!

Heath Hembree – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.67, and his 2nd save.  Eovaldi’s going to return like he’s coming nine minutes into a ten-minute session of Musical Chairs.

Brandon Dixon – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in the last ten games.  Not going to say anyone’s a schmotato going into the break because it’s impossible to say how well people will be hitting on the other side of the break, but I’ve been owning Bra-Dix for the better part of two weeks.

David Price – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24.  As a proud owner of Price, I’d take a “5 IP, 1 ER and the win” start ten times in the 2nd half and be very happy.

Carlos Carrasco – Diagnosed with leukemia. Damn, hold your loved ones close, especially if they’re major league pitchers. Carrasco says he has the disease under control, and should return at some point. I’d guess 2019 is off the table, but he’s aiming for it. #CookieStrong

Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.45. In the top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming tomorrow, Bieber is definitely going to make the list. Honestly, there’s a case to be made he’s above Bauer.  Definitely above Bauers.  How many Bauers do the Indians have anyway? They get a deal on Bauers?

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Also, in this game, Jake Bauers (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer.  Tauer Naquin (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer.  Trevorancisco Lindur went–Greybot 5000 short circuiting…having…Bauer…outage.

Greg Allen – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .211.  Allen won ‘The least likely guy to help you yesterday who ended up helping you yesterday’ award. He hasn’t picked up his award yet, but if anyone sees him, let him know there’s an award that doesn’t exist waiting for him.

Marco Gonzales – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.24.  Occasionally, Marco pops up from the pool of pitchers with a great game, which makes me think someone on the M’s coaching staff should yell Polo more often.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .250.  That’s in 51 games.  Dude didn’t have his hamate bone removed, he had an aluminum bat inserted into his forearm. Prove me wrong.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .271. Semien blasted that off LeBlanc, which sounds like the purest definition of Friends with benefits.

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .265.  Damn, he would’ve been a great buy low on May 1st.

Liam Hendriks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.24 and his 5th save. Really hope the A’s do the right thing and continue to go to Hendriks. How’sever, Treinen pitched on Saturday, so he might not have been available.

Omar Narvaez – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .294.  Omar’s comin’ yo!

Francisco Cervelli – On the concussion list again and said he will no longer catch, i.e., Cervelli’s been reading Razzball and is punting catcher.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .342.  Great, terrific, adjective, and this isn’t about him, but why the hell did C**nt Hurdle move Hello Newman (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, 6th steal, hitting .327) to the bottom of the order and how do we reverse that?

Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer.  Comatose Aguilar Fantasy Owner, “Damn, I thought I was out cold for three months, but I see Aguilar only has eight homers, so what’s the most I could’ve been comatose?  Two weeks?  Three weeks?  Guys?  Why are you tiptoeing out of my hospital room?”

Keston Hiura – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he hit cleanup.  Love for that to stick, but it’s because Yelich was out with back pain, which was contrived so he didn’t have to participate in the Home Run Derby.  Yelich should’ve just linked his stereo up with a mannequin in his bed, and programmed it to snore whenever anyone entered his bedroom.

Madison Bumgarner – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA ar 4.03, but left after taking a line drive back off his elbow. Giants said he’s fine and continued, “We will literally trade him or anyone for anything, but someone over the age of 35 is preferred.  Can we trade for Evan Gattis? What’s that? He’s available? Holy crap!”

Jose Urquidy – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.50.  Back to the drawing board trying to find a safe number five starter.  And by drawing board, I mean the Streamonator.

Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer.  “As I move to pick up people, I just want Gurriels under my thumb.” — A quote from Iceberg Slim’s book, but also a smart fantasy owner moving their mouse through waivers.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Something that I don’t think I’ve mentioned before — but maybe I did say it and don’t remember since I write about 17,000 words a day and I’ve been hit on the head a few times — I wonder if the Angels will send Ohtani to the minors in August to get him some starts, which would obviously hurt his value.

Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer, hitting .301.  If only he boozed between innings like Mickey Mantle so he had personality. Shame really.

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, but left after a nasty collision with Marisnick.  Or as it was formerly known, “a pre-2016 collision.”

German Marquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.45.  I don’t want to nitpick, but Marquez was outpitched by Alex Young (6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.68) who I believed played Einhorn/Finkle.

Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.15.  Not a great way to go into the break, but he’s had two bad starts in the last three months and they were both against the Cubs, so less worried about Giolito and more worried about how he’s prepping when he hears he’s about to face Chicago. Giolito in mirror, “I see we’re facing each other once again.”

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer.  I talk about this more in the top 100 for the 2nd half, but what’s the worst you can imagine from Eloy?  Pretty much what he did in the 1st half, and he still wasn’t that bad.

Ben ZobristCubs said they expect Zobrist back some time this year.  I’d be surprised to see him, I mean he’s going through a *making bunny ears* “divorce.” Has anyone ever returned to work during a divorce? Maybe if Zobrist can put down that box of Kleenex and pick up his big boy pants, he’ll be able to continue.

Robel Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  And I began adding him in all of my deeper leagues. He had 15 HRs in 50 minor league games with an insane strikeout rate, but I’m going to own him during the break and dream of how he’s going to hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half and I’m going to win the Robel Prize for Fantasy.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer.  He didn’t dare tell the opposing pitcher, Lucchesi, that he hit that into the ocean, because that would mean the ball sleeps with the fishes.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer.  FTJ!  Fun the Jewels fast!

Joey Lucchesi – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.94.  Joey ‘The Bull’ Lucchesi of the Cannoli Crime Syndicate was on my bench for this start, because I don’t fully trust him in away games, which makes my left brain say, “Which pitchers do you trust and where?” Touché, Left Brain!

Chris Paddack – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84.  They call Paddack the Sheriff. The Padres are also using kid gloves with him, which makes me think he’s the star of some bad Disney movie, where a 12-year-old becomes sheriff, so Paddack is star of Middle School Cop.  “I saw you eating Lemonheads in 4th period, which just so happened to coincide with Jennie Ruskin losing her Lemonheads in 3rd period. What you got to say for yourself, Billy?”  Billy starts to sweat as Paddack moseys around him. Just then, a frazzled 11-year-old enters with a briefcase exploding with paper, “I need to speak to my client.” Paddack spits chew into his Scooby thermos, “Your client’s stolen candy for the last time and–And…” Paddack tries to lift his boot, but he’s got gum stuck to it. “Aw, man. These are new boots.”