A no innings restriction Alex Reyes = Geez, first time that’s ever happened, usually I last much longer. Yesterday, Reyes went 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated. But his rehab told me he was supposed to throw a complete game with 15 Ks! What gives? There was some concern his velocity dropped towards the end of yesterday’s start, but it seemed to me more like a situation where he was just gassed from not being able to find the plate, and he confirmed that after the game. I’m still all-in on Reyes, but he might be more like every other pitcher who has ever had Tommy John surgery than we thought, i.e., lacking command for a month or two to regain mechanics, which is different than a bunch of balding guys at Pep Boys. That’s Rogaine mechanics. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tommy Pham – In a deep, dank funk and was benched yesterday. I might’ve counted my schmohawk post on him a loss too soon. The Cards take no prisoners when it comes to making a dollar out of fifty-cent outfielders.
Marcell Ozuna – Scratched yesterday with a jammed finger. He jammed it shutting off his alarm clock.
Harrison Bader – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .273, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Think I’m joking about Pham being last year’s model and the Cards working to find this year’s model, but don’t sleep on St. Louis, at least not when you’re supposed to be playing, Ozuna!
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-1, 1 RBI as he was recalled after Saladino’s injury, which I presumed yesterday after reading tea leaves with Aunt Polly of the PEAKY F**KING BLINDERS.
Junior Guerra – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.65. I’ve owned him for the better part of the season in an NL-Only league, and, in that capacity, rose petals on the pillow, nah’mean? For mixed leagues? Hard to deny results, velocity is up, but he’s not obviously a 2.65 ERA pitcher.
Eric Thames – Cleared to resume hitting. I’m glad you updated your resume, please don’t connect with me on LinkedIn.
Dennis Santana – Being called up by the Dodgers to replace the oft-injured, never duplicated DL’d Maeda. There’s some heat on Dennys (alt. spelling), and, ya know what, I always love Dodgers starters — great park, easy division, solid bullpen, Larry King cheering them on, you name it! Prospector Ralph has said of Santana, “Sinker ball pitcher with the ability to sit mid to high 90’s with the pitch. The movement on his fastball is a sight to behold, but at times it can impact his strike-throwing. He improved his changeup in 2017, allowing him to be more effective against left handers, while using his slider to keep righties off balance. His violent delivery, and effort in his mechanics gives Santana the appearance of a reliever even if he has the stuff to start. Speaking of violence, I just drew Grey’s face on a cantaloupe. Let’s smash!” Aw, man, not cool. I grabbed Santana in one deeper league to see how things play out.
Ross Stripling – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.68. You can almost hear me audible gasp on the podcast when I looked at Stripling’s peripherals. Had no idea he was straight dealing like he had alligator blood, check-raising to the bettor. His BABIP is obscene and he’s still got that ERA? Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, won’t you get comfortable on my team? Things don’t coalesce completely under the hood — velocity is down, he’s being stretched from a middle reliever, and he’s getting the lift, so to speak, from a curve ball. Definitely grabbing him in deeper mixed leagues, and maybe even shallower ones.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .345. Oh, and he’s your NL batting average leader.
Max Muncy – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last four games, hitting near-.325 in the last week. Goodbye, Poochie. To the Max!
Rhys Hoskins – Hit the DL with a fractured jaw. Hmm, from a busted lip to a fractured jaw? I don’t know, I’m gonna see if I can get some better injury news on Hoskins from Bryan Colangelo’s Twitter.
Nick Williams – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Rhysus sacrificed himself for you, Williams, don’t disappoint your father–I mean, us.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Brad Ziegler – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st blown save, ERA at 7.83. Oh well, he was bound to blow one eventually. Was a great streak of “just being awful without blowing a save” while it went on.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .238. Wish he would stop striking out so much. I know, kicking a gift horse in the mouth, but it’s appropriate enough since he seems like a jackass.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.92. Next year’s top 20 starters is gonna be Scherzer from 1-20, then number two at 21.
David Hess – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Would’ve guessed more Ks from him because I’d imagine Hess would throw gas! *drops mic, mic hits foot* Ow!
Jeff Samardzija – Hit the DL. There is a God, thank you, Ma Anand Samardzijallah.
Mark Melancon – Could be activated from the DL on Friday. That puts him on pace for another DL stint the second week of June. Good luck out there!
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Sorry about shaving your wool jacket, I thought a sheep had wandered into the closet. I can glue it back on for you, I have the wool by the open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Jon Gray – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.68. I would sacrifice myself if someone wants to Toyota every Gray off a cliff Thelma & Louise-style.
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.08 as he pitched the 8th inning. Because Mickey Callaway is in Holds+Saves league. Honestly, I have no idea. I mean, Familia has harbored bad will for years, but no more so in the last few days than at any point in the last few years. Maybe it was as simple as he was called on to face the heart of the order, but that feels above Callaway’s pay grade. I grabbed Gsellman (1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 3.38), because I’m not sure what’s going on here.
Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 RBIs, hitting .279, and hitting close to .400 in the last week. Oh, and I was still confused about Familia, then I saw Bautista batting third, and it all made sense.
Johan Camargo – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Definitely worth waiting ten days for that start. I mean, where else could you get a start like that? A random streamer? Pfft! No way! C’mon!
Ervin Santana – Stopped his rehab due to pain in his surgically-repaired finger. Should’ve opted for the foam finger.
Byron Buxton – Hit the DL with a fractured big toe that he fractured about a month ago. Surprisingly, he didn’t fracture his big toe after one of his fantasy owners told him to go kick rocks.
Fernando Romero – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.15. I’m just going to leave my iced tea on the counter in this ISIS recruitment center and take a whizz. Could someone watch my drink for me? Thanks, pal! *five hours later* Whoa, did I fall asleep? Hey, how come you’re listing my kidney on eBay? Also, no reserve price? AHHHH! ROOFIE!!!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .237. Member back mid-April and we thought Dozier was going to hit 60 homers this year? You were thinner then with more hair.
Hunter Dozier – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first game two Doziers homered since the 1796 exhibition game of Virginia Plenipotentiaries with brothers, Cappy and Nappy Dozier. The Virginia Plenipotentiaries were famous as the team James Monroe originally received for Louisiana.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 4 Ron Ben-Israels and his 12th homer. Moistasskiss!
Jorge Soler – 4-for-5, 2 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .278. Soler seems to be warming up. Al Gore tried to warn you!
Marcus Semien – Out on paternity leave. A picture of Semien holding his baby. Caption: Semien, Before and After.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Woof. Well, I did say to sell him a couple of weeks ago.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 4 Ks in his 1st start. Post-post-post–*writes fifteen hundred posts*–post-post-hype sleeper?! For those that don’t remember, Eovaldi is the crazy hard thrower (97+ MPH) who generates no whiff/bye-byes. He was in the Jordan Hicks prequel: Velo. Reviews were mixed, 62% on Rotten Tomatoes. The HuffPo critic gave it a positive review but that was just because the review’s title was “Nathan Eovaldi Throws Hard in Velo But Can He Survive A Poor Supporting Cast? Ex-Yankees, Ex-Marlins, Drafted By Dodgers, Baseball Click Here” Which was obvious clickbait. I still can’t trust him either, glowing review by Rex Reed or not.
Max Stassi – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .303, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Somebody’s angling on being ranked in the top 20 at CBS next year!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I wanted to watch Alex Reyes, but since Facebook’s the worst, and I can’t look at it without seeing the devil spawns of high school friends who I really don’t know anymore, I watched a lot of Ed-Rod yesterday. He always seems to come a little undone, which sounds like lyrics you’d hear at a Lucinda Williams concert. Still don’t trust him to not kill us in his next start, but Stream-o-Nator loves it.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Just Dong, because it’s his name!
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .249, but hitting near-.325 in the last week. Up until this year speed was his main feature, but now it’s become a bug, and I don’t think the new update is going to fix that.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .247. And he gets yet another reprieve to stay on my team for another few days. He’s been on the chopping block more than Geoffrey Zakarian.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .300. Still have your March concerns that he can’t hit 20 homers? Worried still the last 18 months were a fluke? Scared there may not be a Stan Beeman prequel spinoff? I got questions, ya’ll!
Reynaldo Lopez – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.80. The Regression Fairies correct ‘human’ to ‘huwoman,’ they can’t find just the right place for mani-pedis and they will destroy your ratios.
Yolmer Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .279. Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite 1st week of the season pickup! Hey, everyone’s favorite 1st week of the season pickup, say hello to your mother for me!
Carl Edwards Jr. – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. Carl Jr., keep that inflammation on your burgers!
Yu Darvish – MRI showed no triceps damage. Great news, until you realize that means he’s just sucking for no reason.
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.64 in 14 IP. Prolly should’ve been the lede today, but I wanted to get the torso of the post done before The Americans finale. Okay, a lot of what I just said could’ve been kept to an inner monologue. Musgrove should be owned in all leagues; apparently, when he left Houston, he took the pine tar with him.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4 and a homer. Guess how many homers he has. Go ahead, but keep in mind he’s owned in 50% of leagues and is routinely picked up aggressively. Any guesses? Gooseberry? What kind of guess is that? I’m looking for a number! He has two homers. I know; he was hurt, but c’mon. Harrison makes Max Muncy look like George Foster, snarl and all.
Scott Schebler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .244. Also, in this game, Adam Duvall (1-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .181) hit his 10th homer. If only the Reds could combine their power with Winker’s OBP, they’d have themselves three-quarters of one decent outfielder. Can call the Duvall/Schebler/Winker hybrid: Swill Scott-Geton with Pieces of a Man.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.99. If this is the regression we can expect, I’ll take it every day and twice on Muesday, that magical day between Monday and Tuesday.
John Ryan Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .267. Between this guy and Pat Rick Corbin, how many serial killers do the Diamondbacks have? Dyson better not start going by Jar Rod Dyson. Regarding John Ryan Murphy, the voiceover guy from Forensic Files would tell you he’s a catcher who’s been killing a lot of balls recently. And that’s just what they found from the succinylcholine!