Maybe I shamed the Marlins into caring about their bullpen. Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Why do we scream at Steve Cishek? This is what it sounds like, when fantasy baseballers cry! Damn, I’ll never get sick of Prince. Well, except when I have to rely on him to hit homers from my 1st base slot. As they removed Cishek from the closer role, the Marlins said, “Shrek has done a tremendous job for us, but at the end of the day, it’s about winning games.” They call Cishek Shrek? Is that so the 12-year-old Yelich isn’t scared to room with him? Holy cow, have you seen Cishek?! He looks like he could be Yelich’s younger brother! Do the Marlins pay their prospects in Girl Scout cookies? Does the team bus have to wait an extra five minutes every day so they can finish their paper route? Are Yelich and Cishek extras from the off-Broadway adaption of Drake & Josh? I have questions, y’all! So, Cishek is not only out, but looks like a flaming Pu-Pu Platter. I’d grab A.J. Ramos immediately, stash Mike Dunn and Bryan Morris and would even look at Rafael Soriano, since the Marlins said they might sign him. Oh, and once Henderson Alvarez returns, there’s speculation Tom Koehler could close. A Koehlser?! In other words, this shituation is a closerousel, so hold on for your life. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-2 and his 8th homer. Or one for every 18 air kisses I give him.
Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER in Dodger Stadium. Looks like Haren’s mentally still playing for a SoCal team.
Yasiel Puig – MRI revealed a setback with his hamstring. This little Puiggy went wah wah wah. Buck up, Pweeg! The world is watching! And by ‘world’ I mean me. I wonder what Freud would say about that.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .308. Howie like me now!
Andre Ethier – 5-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .329. Say Yes and an XO if you went with the first half of Ethier/Or at your waivers.
Scott Van Slyke – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd three-hit night in a row, hitting .373. Could be a short-term schmotato, but Mattingly has no idea who will play from day to day, so don’t ask me.
Stephen Strasburg – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.06. Cut my fantasy team, Mick! For chrissakes, cut my team, Mick! I feel like I’m partially responsible for this. I never would draft a starter as high as Strasburg any year, and I decided to zig on my usual zag with my Tout Wars team, and I caused this. I did! By the way, I was in 3rd place, five points out of first, prior to Strasburg’s start. Did someone say Mark Prior? If Strasburg isn’t placed on the DL, I’ll fly to Washington and have a word with the Nats myself.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Now leading the NL in homers and douchebaggery.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer in the third vs. Strasburg, so this homer was also the Ender for Strasburg too.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. Happy Trumbone!
Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Rubby can’t fail! Well, he can, but I like him a lot and his peripherals say he should actually be better than he’s been.
Kolten Wong – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff. My Wong finally reaches his uppermost point and then gets nothing. Why did I just have deja vu?
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.27 vs. Carlos Carrasco 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.84. Because I own both of these doodes in multiple leagues, I watched this game for about five innings until the changing of The ‘Gaard. Reason #1 why it’s important to actually watch baseball and not just look at stats, Carrasco looked so much better than Lynn last night. The Indians offense wasn’t able to convert a bunch of baserunners and Carrasco gave up so many wobbly-at-best singles. Like a single off his foot that led to a big inning. If the Carrasco owner in your league looks at his ERA and wants Carrasco off his team, I’d absolutely buy low.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .346. It doesn’t look good for me thinking in the preseason that Holliday was overrated, but I’m not conceding yet. It’s only May and Holliday’s back is 35 going on 70, which also sounds like the worst straight-to-video remake ever.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .296. An announcer last night said Superfluous H’s start is especially noticeable because he’s a notoriously slow starter. I checked and he was right. September is SH’s worst month, but April is traditionally his 2nd worst.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .308. Seems like Kipnis is finally back after being day-to-day with an oblique injury for seemingly 10 months. About time, Knish!
Masahiro Tanaka – Threw a bullpen session, which abbreviated would be BS, which is an apt description for the hoops the Yankees are having Tanaka jump through to get him to Tommy John surgery. Soon Tanaka is going to need to pay $50 to check the luggage that carries his severed tendon.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. There’s another level for some pitchers; Eovaldi is not taking it there. The Department of Clunky Nicknames anoints him Sameleveladi.
Matt Moore – Nearing a rehab assignment. He’s worth a DL slot if you have one, but, honestly, I don’t have high hopes for him. Tommy John surgery usually takes away one’s control and Moore was already lacking in that department, so he could be a WHIPping mess.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-3, 1 run, hitting .304. I picked him up yesterday while Travis was sitting, and I’m gonna have to call up a Debate Club to convince me I should go back to Travis.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal, hitting .228. I get that the average isn’t great, but he’s on pace for a 25/25 season. Um, yeah, you want to own that.
Chris Heston – 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 2.91. When I saw this line by Heston, I seriously looked left to make sure it wasn’t now right. Damn, and I was so close to ranking Heston above Kershaw in the the preseason. Ow, eye roll headache!
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs, and when Duffy got out of the locker room shower, he still had a 5-RBI night. It wasn’t a dream!
George Springer – Will return from the concussion DL today. In the Church of Springer, they absolve you of your concussing.
Carlos Rodon – Good news, rookie nookie lovers, Rodon is in the White Sox rotation, and it appears to be for good, or at least until further notice. I would absolutely own him in all leagues, and JB just went over his Carlos Rodon fantasy and I agree with him.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. Please, Sale, for the love of the deity of your choice, speak to Strasburg!
Mike Fiers – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I feel like if I suggest you pick up Fiers again, I’m going to have tomatoes thrown at me. Meh, I like tomatoes. Hit me with your best marinara! Fiers is obviously crazy risky, but his peripherals really are purdy.
Elian Herrera – 1-for-3, and his 4th homer and his 3rd homer in as many games. Well, I don’t need to be told three times…Okay, I do need to be told three times, but over the course of three days and– Whatever, he’s hot, grab him!
Leonys Martin – Re-aggravated his wrist and might be out for a bit. I wouldn’t drop him, G’s, but Martin is hurtin’.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-2, 2 runs and 2 steals (8, 9). By the power vested in by the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, I demand you pick up DeShields if you need speed. He’s headed for 50 steals if he gets the playing time.
Nick Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, and six earned runs in his last eleven innings. He’s coming back to earth, so why can’t Strasburg ascend? Ascend, man, ascend!
Kyle Blanks – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .314. Won’t be long before he eats away at that average.
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer. He’s hit in every game of May. Shin-Soo Hits-A-Lot!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. Moistasskiss!
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs hit his 6th homer, hitting .326. Hosmergasm!
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, hit his 4th, hitting .295. Albondigas!
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 1 run. He said he can’t throw due to his shoulder, but it gets worse. He said, “Sometimes I wake up and I can’t brush my hair.” NOOOOOOO!!! Not messy hair! Edwin, please slick it back for Joey Bats! Please! So, Bautista said he can DH, and hopefully he battles through the ‘no throwing’ thing.
Devon Travis – 0-for-1, 2 runs, but didn’t start yesterday, because it’s no longer April. I like to think the universe gave us Wong in the leadoff spot, and had to take something away to balance our excitement. Or as JB would say, it’s the universe’s Sophie’s Choice.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Something was nagging at me, so I went back and checked Edwin’s stats from last year. On May 8th of last year, he hit two homers, then two more on May 15th, then two more on the 20th, then two more on the 21st and then Egg Foo Young and then Hot and Sour Soup and then Fried Rice and then– Ugh, I wish I owned him right now.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .319. Unlike Edwin or Bautista, Donaldson feels like he’s going to get exactly to 25 homers with no hope for more power. Hitting 2nd in Toronto with a solid average, will give him Jeter-like counting stats. Not belt notches though.
Chris Colabello – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .538. About the hottest schmotato in the land and with Saunders laid up again, and Pompey not nearly as hot as his name would imply, Colabello’s been playing.
Kevin Gausman – His MRI came back clean. Looks like the O’s are gonna have to work harder to mess him up. Maybe throw him on short rest? Throw him for 150 pitches in first start back? Make him the closer on the days he’s not scheduled to start? Gonna have to be creative, O’s.
Matt Wieters – O’s said Wieters should be able to rejoin the team right when his DL stint ends on June 4th. You mean he’ll finally be able to field, even though you just need him for his bat? Sweeters, Wieters!
Zack Cozart – Didn’t start yesterday due to a sore wrist that dates back to last Wednesday. Feels like Cozart has Mat Gamelitis. The disease lies dormant for many years only to attack when someone appears to be breaking out.
Devin Mesoraco – Optimistic he can catch soon. I’m more optimistic he could scare the paint off of walls with a glance.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Shut down 10 to 14 days, due to his right lat. “Figures.” That’s his judgey left lat.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Still hot, still schmotatoing!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .244. Been a struggle to own him so far this year, but I’d buy Seager low. Maybe he’s not a 25-homer guy, but he’s also not suddenly a no-homer guy either.
Mike Zunino – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers, hitting .185. Catchers questions commence in 3, 2, 1…
James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.31. With all the walks thrown by him, I will say I struggled to watch him as much as he struggled to find the strike zone. He’s going to be home again next, but against the Red Sox, who actually can take a walk, unlike the schmohawks he was walking last night, so I’m going to be on the lookout for a better starter to move on to in a 12-team league.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .349. Every time I see him homer, I feel like Nelson is pointing and HA HA’ing at me.
Wil Myers – Scratched yesterday with a sore wrist. Well, maybe stop scratching it!
Ian Kennedy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.92, and still less than Strasburg! Kennedy, the redheaded VJ from the 90s, prolly has a lower ERA.
Alfredo Simon – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Likely the Italian side of me, but every time I see Alfredo I want him to get creamed.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .223. Wow, I thought he retired. Nice to see him still around. Was he injured? What happened to the “J.D.’s gonna win the MVP” comments from the first week of the season?
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4 and has two hits in six of his last ten games and has raised his average from .172 to .258 in that time. Hes (they?) are still hot.
Kyle Gibson -7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. His K/9 is 3.53, his BB/9 is 3.12 and his chance of implosion is 100%.
Mike Minor – Will have season-ending shoulder surgery. Hmm, I thought I deleted this blurb from my DVR. Or is this a new one?
Jace Peterson – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Not quite as out-of-this-world as Andrelton, but that’s because Andrelton removes his Earth skin every night. Here’s Andrelton; here’s his brother.
Jason Grilli – 1/3 IP, 1 ER. Don’t let go of Johnson yet. Figuratively!
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks. I spelled his last name correctly without looking, but accidentally called him Mark. That is so meta, it doesn’t matter to anyone but me. Faultywiringwitz has solid K stuff, but his control is a mess, so he’s going to be risky. The Stream-o-Nator does like his next start and I could see giving him a shot.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but get out of DeSclafani before he regresses. He goes to the Royals next and that has all the makings for a Vin Mazzacre.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. All he does is homer! No, really, I think that’s all he does. He has 29 hits this year and 11 homers.
Juan Lagares – Has a slight strain under his armpit and will miss a few days. He injured himself pulling the ol’ smelling the armpit, moving the arm over a girl’s shoulders gambit in a movie.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. I’m just going by what I saw yesterday. I repeat, this is only what I saw. He looks like Bumgarner on the mound, likely due to his height. Threw a bunch of offspeed junk, but was able to dial it up to 98 when he needed. He didn’t seem like he could control a lot of his pitches, but that might’ve been nerves, and his minor league numbers suggest he has great control. Now for the bad news, none of his stuff screamed ace. Even when he dialed it up. He reminded me of a young Garza, who is/was great for stretches, but never amazing. I don’t think Syndergaard will be Harvey. Maybe for a few games here and there. Remember, he only struck out three guys if you remove the times he got Arrieta. I would definitely own him in all leagues, but I’d tempura my expectations, cause yesterday it was “Batter up!”
Chris Coghlan – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. When he hit the homer, he screamed “On ‘Gaard” as the ball went over the fencing.
Kris Bryant – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer and a triple. First time I’ve really seen him motor and Daddy Long Legs got some hustle in his gams. Bet you five over-the-internet dollars he steals 15 bases next year.
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. He looked so dominant that I’m kinda shocked his ERA is that high, but I guess during the Starterpocalypse that’s like a 1.00 ERA.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .177. In a strange coincidence, in a small suburb outside of London, Josh Ringo also homered. Though, no one else he was playing understood the game.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. It was a day of “About times” in Pennsylvania. I hope Anknee McClutchin (which sounds Star Wars-ian) comes out of this funk, but I honestly won’t believe it all year.
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.60. Apricot Juice’s “Gonna Retire in 2011” arm tattoo looks really stupid right about now. His Calvin peeing tramp stamp tattoo is cool though.
Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.66, which could lead to him starting the All-Star Game at this rate.
Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Semien’s looking better than Wong, which makes no sense in almost every context.
Josh Reddick – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .346. The A’s lineup starts with Crisp/Burns, Semien, Reddick and ends with Eric Sogross. No wonder why Zobrist is on the DL. He’s too Christian for that lineup!
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.63. I’d say his xFIP is much higher, but I’m starting to think xFIP, K-rate and blah blah blah was invented just to mock us.
Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-3, 1 RBI. Rumors are flying that Tulo could ask for a trade. Lost Flash Forward! “I’m Gary Cohen and I’m here with Ron Darling and Keith Hernandez and the Mets are one game out of the Wild Card race here in September. Nice mustache, Keith, glad to see you grew it back. No homo. The Mets will face their biggest rival, the Braves, and their ace, Shelby Miller, who has a 0.90 ERA and a 30-2 record, and is the only good pitcher in the major leagues. The Mets are hoping to finally get something out of Tulo, who they traded for in July. Leaving Coors has helped him stay healthy, but it’s also caused him to hit .170 with negative two homers, because, as I’m sure we’re all aware, MLB made foul pop-ups negative homers in August when Andrelton Simmons’s alien family took over Earth and demanded low-scoring games.”