Everything black was white and white was black. Everything up was down and down was up. I was a Girl Scout and the only cookies I could sell were Rah-Rah Raisins and I couldn’t give away the Samoas. I was an Asian in NASCAR. I was a five-foot, six-and-a-half-inch white boy that could hoop. (Actually, that last one is true.) I zagged when I usually zigged! And it felt okay. I didn’t wake in a puddle of sweat like I was a puppet in the Land of Confusion video, wondering what I had done. I didn’t burn all my old draft manifestos like I was trying to escape Olivia Pope from finding me out. I just went at it a little different. This league is a 15-teamer, OBP league, so I used Rudy’s rankings. I still knew which players I liked and didn’t like, but I decided to lean on Rudy, which makes for an interesting draft when Rudy was using the same rankings. For unstints, when Matt Holliday sat at the top of my board for two rounds, I knew Rudy was going to draft him. When Ian Kennedy sat at the top of my board, I knew Rudy was going to Marilyn Monroe that Kennedy. Though, I also knew if I wanted a guy sitting at the top of my board, I needed to act before Rudy. Okay, you’re primed, let’s start coating your mind with knowledge. (BTW, Our Razzball leagues are signing up still. Go there and sign up now!) Anyway, here’s the 2015 Tout Wars draft and my thoughts:
C: Mike Zunino (15)
C: Hank Conger (25)
1B: Miguel Cabrera (1)
2B: Jedd Gyorko (20)
SS: Danny Santana (14)
3B: Evan Longoria (4)
MI: Brett Lawrie (13)
CI: Eric Hosmer (9)
OF Starling Marte (3)
OF: Jorge Soler (6)
OF: Steven Souza (8)
OF: Khris Davis (11)
OF: Domonic Brown (23)
U: Kendrys Morales (24)
P: Stephen Strasburg (2)
P: Aroldis Chapman (5)
P: Jake Arrieta (7)
P: Danny Salazar (10)
P: Francisco Rodriguez (12)
P: Sean Doolittle (16)
P: Tony Cingrani (17)
P: Carlos Martinez (18)
P: Nathan Eovaldi (19)
Bench: Yusmeiro Petit (21)
Bench: Jake Peavy (22)
Bench: Drew Stubbs (27)
Bench: Daniel Norris (26)
Bench: Joel Peralta (28)
Bench: Jordan Schafer (29)
Full drafts results here.
AROLDIS CHAPMAN?! BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH…SAGNOF!
Yeah, one of my many zags vs. the usual zigs, but it wasn’t like I grabbed him in the 2nd round and took Joe Mauer third. Aroldis’s ADP is 45; my rank of him is 58; I drafted him with pick 67; semi-colons are fun; I knew a closer run was on the horizon; it’s always on the horizon around pick 60. Sho nuff, Kimbrel, Betances, Robertson, Holland and Cody Allen were drafted before my next pick. Think about the value of Aroldis vs. Allen. Cody Allen has a value of $14.7 and Aroldis has a value of $25. Oops, I win. By a lot. A lot a lot. Betances is worth $15.7 and he was taken within four picks of Aroldis. Okay, enough justification for the powers of the ‘stache. I win. Poop on you.
I CAN ALMOST UNDERSTAND AROLDIS, BUT STRASBURG. YOU’VE RIPPED MY HEART OUT LIKE MOLA RAM AND NOW I NEED CORE SURGERY LIKE DENARD DAWG.
I had a pickle and it was sour and I didn’t want to take Nolan Arenado in the 2nd round in this draft, because his OBP isn’t great. I know, I may as well have said Jesus never hid Easter eggs that is such blasphemy. So I drafted Miggy and then… Well, that’s the thing. OBP changes the 2nd round and I didn’t want, say, Big Papi, Braun, Freeman or Upton, so I went zagging again and grabbed Strasburg. A Straszag, if you will. Within the next round went Lucroy, Reyes, Braun, Springer, Desmond, Price, Freeman, Beltre, Frazier, Brantley and Harper. All fine selections. Well, not Reyes, Lucroy, Desmond, Brantley, Freeman, Beltre or Springer, but you get my drift on the draft. So, I left the 2nd round with a pitcher and Strasburg is going to win his first of many Cy Youngs this year.
I WILL SAY YOUR OUTFIELD AND STARTERS ARE SEXY SEXY DOT COM THAT I WANT TO SEARCH FOR ON PORN HUB.
Souza – bam! Marte – yummers! Soler – kazoo! Arrieta – bam! Salazar – yummers! Cingrani — kazoo! Carlos Martinez? Okay, I can’t even take it anymore. Someone fan me because I’m about to histrionically faint. I haven’t even mentioned Yusmeiro, Daniel Norris, Khris Davis and Eovaldi. Hmm, actually, now that I list them, maybe I went too heavy on upside. I don’t care. I got a fever and the only prescription is more upside!
THEY HAVE A SAYING IN TEXAS, MAYBE IT’S TENNESSEE TOO, ‘FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME TWICE, AND I WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN EXCEPT BY MAYBE HOSMER AND GYORKO.’
I can’t quit these guys. Not with 10 milligrams of methadone. Not with anything. They are my cross to bear, or bare if you’re a naturist. I wanted Wong (stop giggling), but I also wanted my 2nd outfielder in the 6th round when I took Soler, so Wong was gone (Hey, Mr. Poet Man). After Wong, I seriously didn’t want a 2nd baseman at all. Like, fo’reallies, no one interested me. Kipnis and Dozier went too early for my taste. Walker and Kendrick just sorta sit on my draft board, not really enticing me into drafting them. Pedroia and Kinsler? Bleh and meh. Baez could have a sub-.200 OBP so he’s off my board. Semien went in the 8th round. Go ahead, reread it again and you’ll still be as shocked. Rougned Odor interested me, but I just took Dannys Antana, and they felt too similar. So, that left me with The Gyork Store. As for Hosmer, I still like him. I know, I’m a moron.
OKAY, ENOUGH JIBBER-JABBERING, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE TEAM?
Better question is, “What do you think of the team?” Wait, that’s the same question. Rudy ran the numbers and the league average is $32 for each offensive category. My numbers come out to $30 in runs, $49.5 in HRs, $42.5 in RBIs, $29 in steals and $23.9 in OBP. The league average for pitching is $15 per category. My numbers are $13.2 for Wins, $24 for saves, $20.7 for ERA, $20.1 for WHIP and $19.3 for Ks. This is with Doolittle’s stats in my lineup and not, say, Peavy, so my saves are high and my Wins and Ks are low. It’s not a surprise that I’m high on power and low on speed. I mean, look at my team. Shoot, I should’ve told those people to look at my team and come back down here. Oh, well, we lost them. Between you and me, I didn’t like some of them anyway. Since I ignore Wins (and you should too), I’d say my pitching is a smoking-Afterschool-Special group of guys. Now they just have to play the games. Hmm, actually, let’s just award me the crown now and forget the games. S’cool?
