Cincy Suits Psyche Fans With Burns Notice

Chase Burns will be called up for Tuesday. Mr. Burns if you’re nasty or Smithers. Chase if you’re patio furniture or on the show Cops. CB if you’re a terrible ump with the last name Bucknor. Cha-Bu if you’re ordering something in a Korean restaurant and mispronouncing it. He is coming. The 2nd overall pick in the 2024 draft. [starts screaming and creaming] Like an Amish person making butter, you sicko! What did you think I meant? So, imagine Jacob Misiorowski, four inches shorter and five times better command. Does that excite you? It should. Itch had him as his number one guys in his last prospect stash list, and said previously, “Burns set a new single-season NCAA record with 191 strikeouts in 100 innings for Wake Forest. That’s the kind of math I can get behind. Seems like he’s striking out about two guys per innings, which seems like a good plan. His slider just isn’t something college hitters are used to seeing. Isn’t something any hitter is used to seeing, really. Plays like an 80 when he’s commanding it, which he usually is. Usually commands his 100 mph fastball well, too, and while he’s got a little Kirby in him in the sense that people hit his fastball more than makes obvious sense, he’s not doomed to that fate, given his incredible athleticism and clear growth arc across time. Here’s to him coming up and me beating up Grey, whichever happens first.” Jesus, what? In the minors this year, he went 12.1 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 1.77 ERA in 66 IP. Honestly, what more is there to say about him? He might be the last great call-up this year. As former Reds starter Anthony DeSclafani sang, “Burns, baby, Burns, I’m Disco inferno!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Andrew Abbott – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.79. Starting the All-Star Game for the NL will be…Paul Skenes, but Abbott will follow him.

Matt McLain – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, as he was moved up to the two-hole, hitting near-.300 in June and I’m ready to do a Buy, big B. That’s different than, “Bye Big B,” which sounds like I’m pouring malt liquor on a grave.

Jake Burger – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. To quote a vegetarian, “Damn, Burger, you ain’t right.”

Jack Leiter – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.55. Imagine a finish line labeled, “A quality MLB pitcher,” and Jack Leiter and Kumar Rocker are at the starting line. Gun goes off and they each slowly walk backwards.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. That’s what’s up, dog! Rouppdog! Though, Streamonator loved this one and hates his next, and I agree.

Casey Schmitt – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer. He was in Friday’s Buy column. Cust kayin’.

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. This only feels like his first home homer, I checked.

Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Pretty hideous underlying numbers for Bello, sadly. Well, I guess not sadly, unless he’s reading this. If he is: Sorry, bro.

Hunter Dobbins – Hit the IL. Who are they gonna slide into his spot? Oh, Dick Fitts.

Romy Gonzalez – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Anyone who is arguing the Red Sox did well trading away Devers, just tell them they had Romy Gonzalez as their three-hole hitter. Though, I suppose that’s not as batshizz crazy as having Rob Refsnyder (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer) hitting leadoff.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. To the tune of Onyx’s Slam, “Ceddanne! Let the boys be boys!”

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Managed to get in on his two-start week, and that turned out well, and… [struggling to click mouse] now…I…must…drop…him! Ugh, why is this so hard?

Shota Imanaga – Will return this week. He will be in my starting lineup because I do not want to waste my Shota.

Cade Horton – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.73. Staked to a 9-run lead and Horton cruised out to the Ivictory Coast where there was a Sunni/Shia Holy War and he was never heard from again.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, his past five games: 5 HRs, 12 RBIs, 8 runs, 2 steals. He’s on pace for 65/20. I’ve been using J. Lo’s ass for fantasy, but need to rethink that.

Dominic Canzone – 3-for-5 and his 2nd and 3rd homer. More like Canhit! Did I do something? No? Okay.

Donovan Solano – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Donovan said this isn’t the season of the pitch! Still nothing? Okay.

Reese McGuire – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Hide your women and children, Reese McGuire’s getting a jack off.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .256. Seiya balls!

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .285. Going out a steady limb to say–[limb starts swaying, screaming over gusts]–wind was blowing out!

Colin Rea – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.42. Colin Help for Colin Rea.

Shohei Ohtani – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50, 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 26th homer. Well, he looked better on the mound, but still only one inning, which is “stretching out” like me on an unattended medieval rack. Not that it stretches me, but is torture. Good news is he still seems to be able to hit well.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. He’s hitting near-.300 in June. For him, that’s like a regular guy hitting .500 over the course of a season.

Michael Soroka – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Rather than spend time talking about how Soroka isn’t really that good, can we take a moment of our time to think about the poor souls who started Soroka in Dodger Stadium? They were mentally unstable as it was to start him there, and now they’re going to filled with so much confidence. A confident loon is dangerous. Any hoo! Soroka is a sub-4 ERA pitcher for his career and sitting on some decent peripherals. Starting him in Dodger Stadium is nuts, but I could see starting him in better matchups.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Wenceel Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s appeared in the past two weeks Buy column. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Parker Meadows – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he hits 8th, and I was thinking that’s crazy, but I don’t know who he replaces in the top five lineup spots. Colt Keith’s been iffy, but was hot this past weekend.

Casey Mize – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.88, but left with the trainer. Maybe they’re just buds.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, and his 19th homer. Junior Caminero ain’t no Matchbox!

Zack Littell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. He’s allowed 11 walks in 97 2/3 IP. Only one guy since 2010 had a better walk rate, The Adverb.

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.98. “Draft all Brewers starters (except Woodruff) and reap thy rewards!” He screamed at the heavens while having Quintana on his bench for some reason. He turned to the mirror and shook his head, tu-tu’ing his reflection.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .248. Went to the Player Rater, expecting to see Hoskins way higher than you’d expect, and found exact opposite. He’ll move up after yesterday, but he was 25th for 1B and behind Carlos Santana.

Brice Turang – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .274. You know Turang, so let me quickly say Isaac Collins (1-for-4, 1 run, 8th steal) has my monocled eye. Could someone ask him to return it?

Byron Buxton – 3-for-5, and a double slam (16, 17) and legs (13). Just had a dream about him staying healthy all year and getting 35 homers, and for some reason in my dream he was riding on the back of a unicorn.

Ty France – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. A French fly!

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer this week, hitting .248. Let rYan cook!

Chris Sale – Hit the IL with a fractured ribcage. Remember that Nathan Lane/Robin Williams movie where they eat ribs, The Ribcage. Was a good flick. In case you wondering, Sale injured his ribs on a diving catch, not wrestling a clubhouse TV, as you might’ve thought.

Grant Holmes – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs. Eury Perez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.17. This matchup was billed as, “You want one of these guys and it’s likely not the guy you should want. Why can’t we want the right guys? Is this philosophical or something deeper in our psychology?”

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.69. That’s four straight solid starts, but who’s counting? (Uh, me.)

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. This was his first homer in June and he was barely hitting .200, i.e., Kyle Stowers didn’t bring June flowers.

Brandon Walter – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.80. The problem with a guy who doesn’t walk anyone? He throws too many hittable pitches. He allowed a homer to O’Hoppe — forgivable! He allowed a homer to Rengifo — unrengifoable!

Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, and four homers in a week. He was hot last week, and the Duboner extenze.

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .326. Invite your cousin Myra, because Pena is having himself a star mitzvah.

Jose Soriano – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Streamonator loved this start, and likes his next one even more. Giddy up!

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and three homers in two games. This guy gets so incredibly hot, then cold. Guess what he is now? Did you just guess blue? What does that mean?

Nolan Schanuel – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer this week. If Schanuel passes Grounder Henderson in homers, they’re gonna have to rubber pad my house.

Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Beginning to understand why the Ladies Love Ortiz. What’s not to love? Well, his 4.5 BB/9, but his 10 K/9 is pretty lovable.

Slade Cecconi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.38. His numbers look like a guy who could be very valuable in deeper leagues and Streamonator in shallower.

Mick Abel – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.47. He allowed four homers. Picked up right where Nola left off!

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Meh, see that, never a concern.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 24th homer. June Schwarb has been relatively tame. Wonder if it’s his circadian rhythms.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .270. Hasn’t been exactly returning preseason value. Yet — again with stank — YET! he’s been better than Bobby Witt Jr.

David Peterson – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.98. Not sure when his pitching took a meh turn, but he’s at 7.7 K/9, 3.1 BB/9. Don’t get it twisted, that’s meh.

Francisco Alvarez – Optioned to Triple-A. He’s been sneaky awful. Terrible. So, how can I get mad at that? He just homered on Saturday! Did he deserve to be there on Saturday? No, but I was holding out hope and have him in an extremely deep league. Ugh! I’m just feeling secondhand demotion. Torrens will take over, but he’s even worse for fantasy.

Corbin Carroll – Missed the entire series in Coors, but, wait, it gets worse! He’s headed for an MRI on his hand in Chicago on Monday. Wonder if they know Chicago Hope isn’t a real place.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, four homers in the last week. Crying emoji that is researching Grounder Henderson’s home address.

Max Scherzer – He said he will be activated on Wednesday. Sounds like he’d make a better reporter this year than starter.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.61. You’re not gonna be able to elicit tingles in the nethers over Bassitt, but he’s pitching a bit better than his ERA is even showing, and that’s not even bad.

Adrian Houser – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.27. When you’re about to pick up Houser because his ERA is great, put the clothespin directly onto your nose.

Grant Taylor – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00, and his 1st save. I’d give him all of the White Sox saves. All seven of them.

Jason Heyward – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to find a time machine and travel back to the game when he made his MLB debut for the Braves.

Dylan Cease – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.43. He threw 110 pitches, and was at 100 pitches when he entered the 7th inning. All the Padres manager needed to do was read the back of his jersey.

Randy Vasquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.60. His peripherals are the most dogshizz peripherals I’ve ever seen.

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the concussion IL, as his melon checked out fine. Fun fact! Ya know the 85-year-old woman who tests melons for ripeness at your supermarket? That’s who does MLB’s concussion tests by using same technique.

Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Lugo is matchup-proof.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Sal P. smiles for cheese!

Ryan Yarbrough – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Allan Winans will replace him. He’s the unfunny Winans brother. Uh, no, not that one. No, not that one. No, the other one.

Will Warren – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.66. He allowed two quick runs in the 1st inning, then regrouped when someone in the dugout between the 1st and 2nd inning mentioned they were playing the Orioles. Streamonator loves his next one even more.

Clarke Schmidt – 7 IP, 0 hits, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Back when boys were men and Boys II Men were on the radio, pitchers would throw until they allowed a hit. Now with all this woke BS and elbows and shizz we got this pansy crap!

Zach Eflin – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.46. Bad news: This start. The good news: I didn’t spend very long on this blurb, because there’s no good news for Eflin.

Adley Rutschman – With an oblique strain, he hit the IL for the first time in his career. A milestone commemorated by a visit from Grady Sizemore bearing a plaque. The other bearing, Grady! Put away your nuts!