For the last few days, I’ve been in New York for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. With each passing year, he gets more casually racist, and, let’s just say, he didn’t start at zero. I told him Byron Buxton hit three homers on Sunday, and he said, “Byron? What’s he, a Jew?” I told him, no, I don’t think so, but, of course, he can’t hear so well, so he continued, “I didn’t think Jews played sports. Well, I guess he’ll at least be good with the money he makes.” Then he went on a twenty-minute rant about how he’d have more money if he was Jewish (he’s Italian). If you read Who Is Grey Albright?, you’ll know that I was raised by my grandparents, so let’s hope the apple rolled far enough away from the tree. Otherwise, I’m gonna be writing roundups in 40 years like this, “Byron Buxton Jr. – He has better contact rates than his father, and prolly can find a good interest rate, ya know, because Jew.” Here’s my grandfather with the entertainment we got for the party. For those of you that grew in the tri-state area in the 1980’s, you’ll be familiar with the entertainment:
My grandfather’s 90th birthday with special guest, Uncle Floyd! pic.twitter.com/hmAUH2z0Vr
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 27, 2017
Any hoo! Byron Buxton went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and three homers (11, 12, 13) and his 24th steal. A triple slam and legs? What a glutton for wonderful! From the 1st half to the 2nd half, his average went from .216 to .309; his K-rate is down from 31% to 25%; his OPS went from .594 to .903; his ISO went from .090 to .245, and his OBP went from .288 to .350. Beginning to think real adjustments have been made for 2018, because everything’s been better in the 2nd half. His 2nd half has been bigger and better than the pictures I saw recently of Tiger Woods, if you catch my drift. (Okay, so the apple doesn’t roll that far from the tree after all.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.59. Now has two straight solid starts, which I think is a record for him. And that record is about as sad as Either/Or by Elliott Smith.
Nori Aoki – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in his last three games, but that dates back five Blue Jays games. Nori’s been on a roll, so that maki him a hot schmotato.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP,, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks as he was called up by the Reds. We got some clickbait to drop for this doode. Prospector Ralph put Mahle in his top 200 prospects; featured him in the breakout starters for dynasty, and gave you a whole Tyler Mahle fantasy. Endorphin Ralph working overtime!
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Wanna know why I don’t do DFS? Because I’m already thinking about putting a $100 on the Reds to win the 2018 World Series. I have a problem! But, c’mon, their pitching is coming around, and if they can hold the offense….Scooter as the 2018 World Series MVP!
Francisco Cervelli – Hit the DL with quad irritation. Or as they as in Pennsylvania, wit quad irritation.
Greg Bird – 1-for-1, 2 RBI pinch-hitting, as he was activated from the DL this weekend. Damn, he’s been on the DL a long time. The Birdman of Alcatraz was out of Alcatraz faster, and he had Alcatraz in his name! Bird’ll get the strong side of a platoon, but, unless he’s hitting, I’d leave him on waivers in most mixed leagues.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.69. ERA and health aside, he’s actually having a better season than years past. Though, putting aside ERA and health for a pitcher is like going for a dip in the ocean but putting aside the great white shark that is circling.
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. His K/9 is 10.3 and his walk rate. Dot dot dot. Any ideas? No? Okay, I’ll tell ya. 4.8 BB/9. Yeah, that’s not good.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. You know how much this indicates what we’re going to get next from Carrasco? Ugatz, which looks like a rapper’s name, but it’s Italian for “nothing.” There’s no indication here on his next start being 4 IP, 5 ER and an injury or another gem.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe finally we’re seeing Santana do some of the greatest hits vs. the soft rock, Rob Thomas crap.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .224. Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior for the almost-Great Lakes!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. I have twelve guys on my team for homers, steal a base, Lindor!
Dinelson Lamet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Real question: in 2018, Dinelson or Clevinger? I think it’s clearcut and not Clevinger, even though he seems clearcut, because he sounds like a horror film killer.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 50th homer, hitting .296. Okay, asking for a friend, is there a psych term for wanting to be another man’s pants? Not in their pants, but to actual become their pants. Giancarlo Pantson?
Jedd Gyorko – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Heard this weekend he has a brother, Pudd Gyorko, who is a shut-in that is going blind. Prayers out to Pudd.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Hey, that’s my Pi!
Blake Snell – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Yes, future value elicits the tingles in my nethers for Snell, but, at this time of the year, Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, so that’s all that matters.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5 and his 30th and 31st homer. LoMo’s gonna be that guy I go over in my offseason recaps where I’m like, “He hit 35 homers this year, and was available on waivers nearly the whole year.” Apparently, it’s not just the people who put together the Home Run Derby who give LoMo no respect. No LoMo.
Garrett Richards – Set for rehab assignment. It’s kinda sad to watch a team ruin a pitcher’s arm, isn’t it? We’re going on what, 16 months this guy should’ve been shut down for Tommy John surgery? No need to answer; I Googled it. May 6th of 2016 the news read, “Garrett Richards to have Tommy John. Hopefully the goofy Angels don’t try to avoid sending him for surgery.” Okay, I added the last part, but still.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 5th homer in the last ten games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Valbuena is great until he’s not. Right now, he’s not not.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 20th homer, hitting .356. If might were height, he’d be seven feet tall.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.27. Still waiting for him to be consistently Rodonculous or even to show more punchouts with a Rodonnybrook.
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.77 in two starts. Just gave you my Lucas Giolito fantasy when he was called up. Nothing’s changed except the date on the milk carton. Hmm, actually that hasn’t changed. Ugh, bad example!
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .242. Without any research (which goes without saying), Davidson seems like the type to homer a few times in a week before going quiet, so do as you do.
Victor Martinez – Hit the DL with an irregular heartbeat. Fun fact! The Chevy Malibu was the irregular heartbeat of America.
Cody Bellinger – Likely back on Wednesday. Haven’t mentioned this at all this year (that I remember, but I write like 25,000 words a day about this shizz, so maybe I did say this), but I don’t own Bellinger anywhere, and I have serious Bellinger envy. Gonna have to pay dearly for him next year too. Ugh, the 2nd year inflation price, and watch him flop. Eff me! Why can’t I have anything nice even in my hypothetical scenarios?
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88, as he was activated from the DL. Took the Dodgers a bit of time to coax Darvish out onto the field. He wasn’t being tentative, but every time they asked him, “Are Yu ready?” Ryu jumped up an interrupted them.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91. He throws 89 MPH with above average ground balls and has a 4.52 xFIP, i.e., I have more trust for the Chevy Malibu, the Irregular Heartbeat of America.
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Not to take anything away from Corbin, because I do like him, but this start was against the Giants, who couldn’t hit their way out of a paper bag, even if the paper bag had a leaky Ecto Cooler in it and everyone knows a wet paper bag is easier to rip open.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer. Au Shizz!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 28th and 29th homer. Oh, and Just Dong has done this after missing a month.
Chris Stratton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.82. His walk rate is near-5. My interest in him is near-zero.
Greg Holland – 1/3 IP, 2 ER on Saturday, and Jake McGee came in to get the save. Early on Sunday, Bud Black said the Rockies will “navigate” the closer role for the time being. I’d add, “So far, Holland’s been navigating the closer role like John Denver navigated the Rockies.” Then, Jake McGee got his third save on Sunday (1 IP, 0 ER), and appears to be the closer, if he keeps being effective.
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Has an under-3 ERA in the last month, and appears to be a “start everywhere” guy right now, but Stream-o-Nator hates his next one, and, H-E-double hockey sticks, if I feel comfortable starting him there.
Max Scherzer – Will return today. Assuming he set his iCal correctly.
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.39. Ironically, the Spanish say “con Fedde” is no party.
Wilmer Flores – Two home runs in two days, and 4-for-4 on Saturday. Or maybe I should call him, “Crybaby,” as his jersey read on Sunday. Kidding, I don’t know his nickname. This whole nickname on the back of the jersey is such a sad attempt by MLB to be hip. MLB should stop with these lame attempts to capture a younger audience. No one calls Michael Taylor, “Mikey T,” it’s just stupid. Oh, and as for Crybaby, hot schmotato alert!
Matt Harvey – Penciled in for Friday’s start. Keep in mind, no one uses a pencil unless they expect to erase something.
Kevin Gausman – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.98. Member around three months ago I said let’s wait until Gausman’s ERA is below 5? Well, it’s below 5 and he gets the Jays next. You really trusting him? I don’t know, over-the-internet friend, not feeling it.
Brad Brach – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save on Sunday, while Zach Britton is presumably getting better from his knee injury. I say presumably, because this is the news every day from Britton and the O’s. While Britton is literally getting hurt, he’s “getting better,” according to him and the O’s. I can understand Britton wanting to keep a stiff upper lip, but go on the DL. Starting to think Britton played the “merely a flesh wound” guy.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. 21 of Fister’s strikes were called, which means the O’s face with Fister was less than enthusiastic.
Cole Hamels – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.78. The Regression Fairies love nonfat froyo, they call each other girlfriend, and they will destroy your ratios.
Joey Gallo – Expected back from his concussion on Tuesday. Gallo reported no more cartoon birds flying around his head.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs and two steals (8, 9). If I had to use an adjective for Semien yesterday, I’d say that was one runny Semien. *shudders* Maybe we won’t say that.
Matt Olson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Chapman went 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th homer. Maybe Moneyball is being made into a Broadway musical called, “Matt’s Entertainment!”
Tommy La Stella – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and two homers on Saturday. To use common Razzball jargon, i.e., La Stella patois, he’s a hot schmotato.
Nick Williams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .286. Too bad he’s like Buddy Christ opening for RHYSUS.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and his 5th straight game with a home run, and the fourth straight game I called up my local church and asked the priest if he’d recognize Rhysus as his personal savior, and the third straight game where Rhysus has pitchers yelling, “No Maas!” and the second straight game I phoned the last remaining Tower Records in Tokyo and asked if they carry the Rhyeezy album, “Rhysus,” and a partridge and a pear tree.