Yesterday, Lucas Giolito went 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up to take Reynaldo’s rotation spot. The shine, as they say at the complaint desk for a shoeshine man, has come off Giolito. I was all ready to mock Keith Law. I was going to look at what Law said in 2012 vs. now, but I overestimated Law. This past winter he said Giolito could be a #1 starter. I can’t imagine what he said in 2012. Likely that he’s the best starter in the draft. He wouldn’t have been alone with that. Most loved Giolito at the time. Also, as that last sentence sounds, he was the most loved Giolito, with Sammy “The Bull” Giolito a distant 2nd. Lucas’s value has rebounded a bit this year vs. last year. In Endorphin Ralph’s top 100 prospects in the 2nd half, Giolito was ranked 82nd. As a fantasy baseball prospect list vs. a real baseball one, that’s a solid ranking — or is that a solid Ralphing? For this year, I’d avoid outside of the best matchups. Rookie pitchers bring more heartache than your high school sweetheart friending you on Facebook. “Ugh, she’s happy? Such BS!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and, like, his 18th homer in the last week. I’m gonna call him Dracarys cause he’s spitting fire with his bat.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in the last three games. Yo, Eddie Rosario, hold my beer! I’m doing that meme wrong, aren’t I? These Twins are good dogs, Brent. Am I doing that wrong too?
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.86, as he was activated. He’s returning from shoulder inflammation, which was tacked on with masking tape to his partially torn tendon. By 2020, Tanaka is going to be arm-free, playing mid-field for the New York Cosmos.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer. G. Love and the Special Sanchez says it’s too early for dancing, but here comes the music…music.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s cooled off a bit since I told you to buy him last Friday, but he’s the kind of player who I would just own as long as he’s healthy and starting.
Trea Turner – Began his rehab assignment, and I just need him to steal 20 bags in September. Can he promise me that? Please.
Carlos Correa – Hopes to begin rehab games on Thursday. Put hope in one hand, and rehab games in the other hand, and you have nothing in either hand because they’re amorphous things!
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. There’s seven bazillion stars in the galaxy, and there’s the same number of home runs hit every day. These are proven scientific facts.
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .263. Damn, he salvaged his season quick-fast. By the way, have you ever heard anyone who isn’t Jamaican say quick-fast in real life? Me neither.
David Wright – Started a rehab assignment. This is going to end well. Hashtag no sarcasm. Seriously. Ugh, I can never sound sincere. This will end well because Wright will return for the final week of the season, then announce his retirement. Watch, he’ll even hit a home run in his final at-bat. “Great analysis! Let’s now send it back to the tudio.” “It’s ‘studio,’ Mr. Wright.” That’s David Wright practicing his Fox audition tape.
Noah Syndergaard – Will throw a batting practice session on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today! You snuck up on me!
Amed Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .257. This may mean nothing, but his first two home runs were opposite field, barely out of the park shots. Yesterday’s was a moonshot. What’s that, Seth Smith? He’s Amedzing!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer and–Meouch! I just went to his ESPN player page, and one of those stupid auto-play videos played and Linda Cohn was there and, is she auditioning to play Erin Brockovich? When did she dye her and get those gazoombas?
Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. He’s been good, I like him, but this start was the magic of present-day Metco.
Joey Gallo – Hit the DL with a concussion. The doctors were worried when Gallo started dropping expletives during the concussion tests, but less so after they explained they weren’t seeing if he can cuss.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .231. We’ve been looking Pujols for so long, yet it’s still pretty surprising to see an end in sight.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. For a guy that runs a 3-minute, 60-yard dash, that was fast.
Kelvin Herrera – Loaded the bases then left the game with tightness in his forearm. That’s what happens when you try to fit five arms in a forearm. It’s also what happens right before a closer hits the DL. I looked for Brandon Maurer, his setup man, on waivers, but was so happy to find he was taken. Then, I grabbed Mike Minor, and, as I did it, I knew it would backfire on me.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. I found this peacock on the side of the road with all its feathers in a pile next to it, so I’ve glued the feathers back on and now I will let him air-dry by the window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Jon Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Halp, Ralph and I were talking about this on the podcast yesterday, but it’s so hard to stream guys on the road, then you have the poor suckers who you can’t start at home because of their park, i.e., Gray.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd in three games. He’s the type to get smoking hot for a short period of time, so Duda Duda day.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer. He’s hit .206 in the 2nd half with six homers (give or take on the average; I can never find timely splits stats. Any hoo!). Maybe yesterday is the light of day Dickerson needs like Joan Jett was to Michael J. Fox in Light of Day. Timely reference!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.76. I was thinking how Archer always seems to get ten Ks, then I looked at his strikeout rate, and he’s ranked fourth in the majors. Sale, Scherzer, Kluber then him.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Keep tacking on the stats for next year’s drafters. I’m going to start a foundation just for Donaldson, Stats for Suckers.
Alex Wood – Hit the DL with a joint inflammation of his shoulder. He said he’ll return in ten days, but with joint inflammation, he should be *pinkie to mouth* tokin’ his time.
Cody Bellinger – Hit the DL with “the Dodgers clinched their division three months ago, take your time and come back rested and healthy.” There’s only one cure, the Giants and Padres winning fifteen straight, so the cure is merely hypothetical.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.85. I wonder if losing a ball has messed up his balance, and his mechanics. Well, it had to be asked!
Starling Marte – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. He is totally salvaging this season (if he hits 15 HRs and steals 25 bases in September).
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .289. Twitter poll that’s not on Twitter: Scooter gets to 27 homers this year, do you draft him next year as your 2nd baseman? Or take a late-round MI flyer on him?
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .270. The guy who drafted Eugenio and Scooter after 250 overall this year is laughing. That smug bastard!
John Lackey – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.91. He’s exhausted me. You win, Lackey! And by ‘win,’ I mean you don’t win baseball games!
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.67. A good matchup that turned out well for Samardzija? I’m standing here beside myself like I’m Fisher Stevens in Short Circuit.
Danny Salazar – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. Should’ve seen that coming after he got rocked last time out. Salazar, bud, pal, friend-oh, how about you tell us you have elbow inflammation before the start? He could come back this year, but I wouldn’t count on it and have already dropped him. Only wish I dropped him prior to his last start.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.95. You ever have a day with pitching where you don’t even want to look at your teams? Yesterday was that day for me.
Doug Fister – 9 IP, 1 Hit, 1 ER, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Not to be a revisionist with history, but I would’ve guessed the Indians had a chance if they only had to face a Fister. Send Jim Thorpe out there, he’ll beat his head in.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Hit his 14th homer, but left the game with a thumb injury, and will have an MRI. “I’ve had an MRI before and that’s a big machine to just put a thumb into it,” said the world’s most ignorant man.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer. See what I said for Hicks, and double it for Nunez.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Me yesterday before games, “I have Lynn, Lackey, Carrasco and Nola starting, how bad could this be?” Me after, “*burp* What did you say your name was? *burp*” as I harass someone at a bar.
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. There were so many homers hit last night I will bet someone not a significant amount of money that Piscotty was given a home run and he’s still in the minors.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. I like to reserve the hot schmotato designation for guys under 50% owned, and I was surprised to see Gyorko is owned in nearly 65% of leagues. More than a few of those have to own Gyorko and have moved on to fantasy football leagues. Join ours! (Perfect segue.)
Austin Hedges – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game for the Padres, Yangervis hit his 14th homer with 6 RBIs, Margot had 3 runs and Wikileaks’ Carlos Assange had two hits. Member previous years’ narratives of the Padres hitting well in August? Yeah, that’s not the case. They’ve been bad this month. Sorry to blue balls you with a narrative.
Lucas Sims – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Yesterday felt like this in the majors. All pitchers who people own got rocked; all pitchers on waivers pitched well.
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-7 and his 6th homer in, ya know, 13 major league games. So, he’s on pace for 500 homers in just under two seasons. Totally achievable!
Tommy Joseph – 3-for-8, 3 runs and his 17th and 18th homer. Aw, how cute, Tommy Joseph is like the older dog trying to be cute after you bring home a puppy. “Go play with your bone, ToJo, we’re playing with Hoskins now.” *ToJo tippy-toes by wearing a top hat, carrying a tea cup, we ignore him*
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-8, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homer. Having a great season. No doubt, Stefani. Still, Giancarlo has almost twenty more homers than OZUNA. OZUNA not worthy like all of us with Lindsey Vonn pictures.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-10, 2 RBIs and his 46th homer, hitting .287. All of the Giancarlo power this year has made me rambunctious. And, for what it’s worth, Cougs refuses to change her name to Ginacarlo, Giancarla or Ginacarla.
J.T. Realmuto – 4-for-10, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .290. Literally every Marlin and Phillie player homered yesterday.
Jose Urena – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. You looking at the guy in your league who’s beating you, “I have Johnny Cueto, Verlander and Carrasco, and this guy is beating me with Chacin, Ervin and Urena! Oy gevalt.”
Vince Velasquez – Will undergo surgery on his middle finger. The Phils got the very best middle finger surgeon to operate. It’s the same doctor who did Roseanne Barr’s middle finger and Frank Zappa’s. By the way, the Wikipedia photos for the middle finger entry are the funniest thing on the internet. One picture’s caption, “Homeless children sniffing glue and giving the middle finger.”
Henderson Alvarez – Signed with the Phils for $750,000 after hitting 98 MPH on the radar gun at the Long Island Ducks game in the Independent League. Idea Alert! I join the Long Island Ducks, and pay the radar gun guy half of whatever it is a major league team pays me. All the radar guy has to do is set the radar gun to show me throwing 98 MPH. I’m not saying that’s what Alvarez did, but last time he was in the major leagues two years ago he was throwing 90 MPH, so that’s what I’m saying he did.