Stowers Leads The Miami Pound Machine Conga Vs Phillies

What if we stop messing around and get down to straight biznasty? Kyle Stowers (4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .226), what’s the deal with that young fella? Toast or toast with the image of Wayne Huizenga in a Marlins cap? Butter or butter melted over Wayne’s face? Still good or never good, except last year and we call that an anomaly? Cut through the butter with a heated butter knife or why the hell do you have a heated butter knife do you have baby arms and don’t you dare wipe butter on Wayne’s face? He owned Blockbuster Video, you animal!

That’s a comical nosedive. The Ks and overall terrible contact are my biggest worries. The ExVelo is good enough and bat speed is fine. If he can just stop chasing and strikeout less, he could fix this mess, but, in 69 games, he was a .208 hitter the year before the breakout and that’s not nice. He might be a .225-.235 hitter with some power (like 25-ish HRs). That’s iffy for shallow mixed leagues. Also, iffy for mixed leagues (what a segue!) is Owen Caissie (1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .209), who looks like he should be playing in Japan; Jakob Marsee (1-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .202) looks like he should be playing in the KBO, and Joe Mack (2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .260, 2nd homer in three games) is looking better. Now, you have to ask yourself if I mean better than Stowers, Caissie, Marsee, Agustin Ramirez or better relative to himself from a week ago. That is a question for this toast with Wayne Huizenga’s face that I smeared with black sesame spread and now it looks racist. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Wanna hear something sad? No, you don’t have The Beetus. The sad thing is this is who Sandy is now. A 4.15 ERA pitcher with meh Ks.

Andrew Painter – 2 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.06, and optioned down. Member in March when we were worried Painter would be bumped from the rotation when Wheeler returned? Why didn’t that happen?

Chase DeLauter – Hit the IL with a small fracture in his ribcage. Reminds me of the time I went to town at a Tony Roma’s, the Place for Ribs, and got so swept up in the experience I bit into a waiter’s ribcage. Seems like a good time to stream against the Guards.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Schadenfreude allows me to celebrate a pitcher I don’t have and told everyone to not draft as they suffer from regression. But because my buddies call me Big Empathy, it does make me feel a bit sad for you. Suffering from Sadenfreude.

Daniel Schneemann – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .228, 2nd homer in three games. If you ever ask me if you should pick up Schnneemmaann, I’ll say no, but with JoRam out, Schnneemmaann’s getting playing time.

Brandon Sproat – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.94, and removed with a hamstring cramp. Ugh, now I have my own sadenfreude.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .276. Has some real work to do if he’s to catch up with Cody Bellinger and have any chance of being next to him again in value.

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .314, eight homers in June, batting almost .400. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

Max Scherzer – Hit the IL with old. I got some bad news, it’s time to hang ’em up.

Robbie Ray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.07. You think Tonnato Vitello is smart enough to see Ray come into the game after the 1st inning (because of a suspended game) and realize he should have Ray following an Opener? No, there’s no chance, right?

Rafael Devers – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .240. Devers delivers (once in a while)!

Bryce Eldridge – 3-for-9, 2 RBI and his 6th homer, hitting .319. I don’t really understand how Eldridge is hitting for much better contact in the majors, and it makes me skeptical, but he’s not doing it in a super small sample at this point.

Jung Hoo Lee – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .325. He could win the NL batting title. Does that mean anything? I don’t know, I’m not a wizard.

Willy Adames – 2-for-8 and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .229. Willy’s homers aren’t called dongs, they’re called Willy’s.

Luis Arraez – 5-for-9, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6), hitting .326. That’s the patented Ernie Banks Slam & Legs!

Ronald Acuna Jr. – Braves said he’s a long way from returning. It’s also a long way from next year, but in 2027: Buxton or Acuña? Who do you want?

Drake Baldwin – 2-for-10, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .298. His home run was longest of the year (473 feet). That’s almost to the halfway point of a millipede or the point where the millipede is like, “Are they still with me back there? I’m referring to my feet.”

JR Ritchie – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.54. I think I can guess who shot JR. [eyeing the 17% ownership of Ritchie]

Jacob Webb – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.13, and the first post-Palencia save. Giving up a run in his 1st opp because, even if we were the first person to pick him up, we can’t have nice things. I’d go as far to say if you grabbed the first post-closer reliever for saves this year from the myriad of guys who lost the job or were hurt, you likely got more burned than a recently divorcee at Burning Man. Any hoo! May not be stupid to hold Caleb Thielbar.

Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.89. I can’t Syriaously consider Assad and his 5.1 K/9.

Sterlin Thompson – 3-for-4, and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .242. There will be a new Home Run Derby this year. Hitters who homer twice in the game with their first MLB homer. It’s Sterlin Thompson vs. Tyler Callihan. Stakes are randomly high! Another true fact, if you’re name is Sterlin and you add a G at the end, they send you to reeducation camp for G’s. 4/8/.341 in Triple-A as a 24-year-old in 132 ABs, and that’s his profile — bit of everything. Not much here for mixed leagues yet, but seems like a solid flyer in daily NL-Only leagues, as he is likely to platoon.

Kyle Karros – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer, hitting .249, and hitting near-.375 this month. Will be in this week’s Buy column, which I know because it’s already on the Patreon.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .251, three homers in the last four games. Think I was half-expecting him to tank this year because of the Rule of Nolan Jones.

Gleyber Torres – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Beginning to think, Gleyber’s against leyber.

Casey Mize – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.58 as he was activated from the IL. Mentioned this the other day, but for y’all slow on the uptake: Mize is top ten in the league for xERA, i.e., he’s pitching very well. Hopefully this start was rust vs. he’s got something that lingers like a Cranberry.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .232. Carpenter nails it!

Kevin McGonigle – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .282, 2nd homer in three games. Movie police chief, “McGonigle!”

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .279. I’m already thinking about drafting Pena next year at a discount. Yes, it’s an illness!

Peter Lambert – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Not much change to his underlying numbers. Not trying to be a broken record with the Streamonator call, but his numbers are fairly unremarkable. It could be his slider and cutter are so good that he’s able to exceed his underlying numbers by inducing weak contact. It’s possible, I’m not discounting it fully.

Shane McClanahan – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.33 vs. Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.47. Check out these two losers!

Colson Montgomery – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers, hitting .225. Everyone in…Colson! (That’s a beer thing, I think. I don’t know, I just googled it and I don’t drink.)

Sam Antonacci – 1-for-4, and his 3rd homer, hitting .279. 10/30/.280. That’s what he’d prorate out to his rookie year. That’s not bad, Samwell!

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .280. When Cody was told he hit his 11th homer, he said, “11? Whoa, I hit Millie Bobby Brown?”

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .301. 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Au Shizz!

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50 in 99 pitches. Modern-day pitchers finding new ways to throw a full-game’s worth of pitches in barely five innings.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-5, and his 10th homer, hitting .229. 40 more!

Andres Gimenez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 3 steals (8, 9, 10). Springer also stole two bags off the Red Sox catcher. Jays said they were timing their jumps off 1st base off the Red Sox’s catcher’s giant breaths of air.

Braxton Ashcraft – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Sonavabench! Sure, but that’s the kind of sonavabench you take on the chin and move along. Benching him was the right move.

Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .290. Wishing I drafted him instead of Vlad Jr. Yeah, I know, you O’Heard!

Zack Gelof – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, as he extends his hitting streak to 21 games, coming down to his final at-bat. Watch out, Joe D., Gelof’s got the Mr. Coffee!

Henry Bolte – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .310. Haven’t given up on Bolte yet, but I’ll be honest, Imma about to. Just doesn’t play enough or do enough when he does.

Jackson Merrill – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (12), hitting .213, 2nd homer in five games. I could be misremembering things, but this feels like his best game in two years.

Kyle Leahy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.63. All the Cards are over-performing except Leahy, and Leahy is actually under-performing. Think of it like this, they’re limbo’ing and Leahy is walking straight into the limbo stick, day-o after day-o.

Vaughn Grissom – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. They put up on their marquee, “Grissom’s back,” and received a cease and desist from Marquis Grissom.

Zach Neto – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .228, and 2nd homer in two games. “May your neato drawer never empty of Zach Netos.” — a fortune cookie I received recently.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. He’s been great this year. The one WBC narrative we could’ve listened to. Also, and he’s had a fine career, but it’s hilarious he has 100 career wins and deGrom just notched his 100th win about two weeks ago. One love, but HA!

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .275. I’m gonna pretend to be a team official from the Royals and call up Carroll and be like, “Hey, big homey, can I get you on the phone ding-a-lingy and have you talk to Pasketti about rehabbing from a broken hamate?” Then merging him with Pasketti as I call the Royals and tell them I have Corbin for Pasketti. This is legit can’t miss.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Not a bad start, but, considering this might be his last full start for a month, it’s not great, Bob!

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .293. He’s gonna end up with 25 homers and .300, and I’m just gonna collect my flowers.

Kyle Bradish – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.00. A career high in strikeouts! I can’t see his future, I’m not B. Rabbit, but this could be the corner B. Radish finally turns for good!

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .225. Eight more hits and he’d be hitting .250. Cust kayin’.

Jackson Holliday – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 4th homer, hitting .195. It seems like I’m mostly goofing but I look at every player’s recent game log and Jackson Holliday had, like, one hit in the last week. Just gross stuff.

Ryan Helsley – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.86 as he was activated from the IL, and yikes. Uh, yeah, I got nothing, I’m not dropping Rico Garcia yet.

Randy Dobnak – Traded to the Royals. Bet I can guess how Royals are going to be traveling around on road trips.

Carter Jensen – 4-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (1), hitting .235, as he hits leadoff. “I wish I knew how to quit ya,” he sings to Carter Jensen like he’s Sombr if Sombr had a catcher worse than Jensen. (This blurb is for my Zoomers. No cap fr.)

Lane Thomas – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .226, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in five games. Hot schmotato alert!

John Rave – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, in his 2nd game. He was called up the other day when Pasketti went down, so he could play rightfield, while Jac Cag moved to 1st. (Sorta. Rave has to hit to play, but so far so good.) Rave is a lefty who loves herbal ecstasy and glow sticks, so there’s a chance he’s a strong-side platoon guy. He’s also 28 years old, so he’s likely a Quad-A player. He did go 10/16/.278 in Triple-A in 223 ABs, so maybe a monocle in mixed leagues, but mostly AL-Only.

Luinder Avila – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.50 vs. Zack Littell – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.45. This matchup was billed as, “Luinder/Littell sounds like the opener at the Grand Ole Opry.” I wouldn’t Streamonator either guy confidently.

Nolan McLean – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Me on Monday, “Can’t trust McLean in Cincy with how he’s pitching. I’ll start Lodolo instead!” Me, today, [Tommen checking just below the window]

Nick Lodolo – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.12. So, Lodolo was out with a blister for all of April and that blister was on his elbow? Forearm? Eyeball, so he doesn’t know where the plate is? This is the worst blister mankind’s ever seen. This blister is worse than the blister that Mr. Blistex had originally that made him be like, “I have to invent an ointment.” Lodolo’s career was on a fulcrum that teeter-tottered on top of an effin’ blister!