I’m gonna try something. Gonna punch myself in the mouth and see something. [does just that] Berfect, nob I hab a fat lip. Thibs is great! [calls my league commissioner] Nob this isn’t a butt bial. I have problem wib my team. I have Kyle Bradish bub youb see I pronounce lots of B’s because of my fat lip, and I meant to braft Kyle Harrison. Bello? Youb there? They hung bup. So, Kyle Harrison had a start yesterday that you dream about for your number one, forget the last guy on the team who you’re not sure if you want to keep. Kyle Harrison went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Wait! It gets better! The under-the-stuff, uh, stuff, is glorious, 11.4 K/9, 3 BB/9, 3.16 xFIP, velo all look good and this is the Brewers knowing how to unlock. Not sure why they couldn’t have done me a solid and did that for Brandon Sproat. Harrison was always considered a well-regarded prospect and the Giants just didn’t know what to do with him. The Brewers clearly do. This should move him onto the shallowest leagues’ radars. Now, if you’ll excuse me. [opens and shuts door on head] Bello, yeb, me again. I’m concussed and meant to braft Harrison–Bello? Bare youb bere? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.31. His peripherals are 14.1 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 2.75 xFIP. As insane as his strikeouts were last year, they’re better now. Buy high!
Jordan Romano – Designated for assignment. DFA’ing a guy you called your closer roughly three days ago is so effin’ funny. I can’t even add anything. That is the Angels organization to a T. From chimpan-A to chimpanzee, they’ll make a monkey out of you, if you root for them. Then they turned to Joey Lucchesi (2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 12.00). Kudos, Angels, y’all the dumbest. You beat the Rockies. I guess it’s a committee now to close (Bachman, Drew Pomeranz, Chase Silseth). Watch your back, Sam! Kirby Yates, who is currently rehabbing, is their de facto closer-in-waiting, whenever he’s healthy enough to go.
Logan O’Hoppe – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist. That makes their catcher Travis d’Arnaud. If you showed someone emerging from a coma the Angels’ roster, they might think it’s 2017.
Mike Trout – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He had nine homers in April last year. He hit 17 the rest of the way.
Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.28. No disrespect, but his opponent, the Royals, could start with guys on third and struggle to knock them in.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.00. That almighty tweak to the mechanics that might’ve fixed him? It happened or he goes out and has a terrible next start. Don’t you just love pitching?
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, you can’t leave this body here to hold a table–Hold on! He moved! Witt’s alive!”
Lane Thomas – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, a walk-off bomb off Lucchesi. No Italians can succeed in Kansas City. Actually, Jac Caglianone homered (2nd), but it was a pinch-hit homer, so sonavabench!
Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.63. Speaking of loving pitching….
Michael King – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41. He was let down by the guys behind him. Or as they call it in Mexico, 1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Hey, someone finally figured out Mexico City is like hitting on the moon with helium bats!
Zac Gallen – Looked the best he’s looked all season down in Mexico, but left the game with a shoulder contusion, after taking a comebacker. Or as they say in Mexico, el hombre’s el hombro es dolor, hombres and cinco señoras. My Spanish is muy bueno.
Ildemaro Vargas – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s a top five 2nd baseman on the Player Rater. Whatever wild mojo Perdomo had last year, Vargas’s got it.
Trevor Rogers – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.75. Under the hood, Trevor’s numbers aren’t good, i.e., in Mr. Rogers’ hood, the electric company’s shut off the heat.
Kyle Bradish – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.20. One of the most clearcut examples of “Will be better at some point, and it might be his next start or next year.”
Samuel Basallo – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .233. It’s hard to be hating on the O’s for starting Adley every game and not Basallo. Adley is hitting very well to start the year and Basallo’s been just fine. Not F-I-N-E as in an R&B singer describing him.
Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .210. I get his average isn’t where you want it, but he’s on pace for a 50/25 season. Bet Acuña’s owners would take that.
Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.30. Solid start, but I did a small spit take — let’s say a spittle take — that he had a 6+ ERA. Also, after Saturday’s blowout win, Alex Cora was fired, which he knew on Friday from his Apple Watch.
Connelly Early – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Vibe check! [opens his player page, frowns] Bad vibes! Weird vibes, even. Weird because I don’t know why he’s pitching so mediocrely.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games. You know him so let me take his blurb to say, wow, Jarren Duran (0-for-4, 1 run, 5th steal, hitting .189) and Roman Anthony 0-for-3, hitting .217) have been a steaming pile of doo in a glove compartment of a car parked on the sun. Hot crap in the worst way.
Bryan Woo – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA 3.86. Bryan Boo.
Eury Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Without being able to predict the future (because Ms. Cleo is dead), Eury feels like the kind of guy you drop, and then he becomes an ace. So, you drop him. Not everyone, just the one person who can trigger him to be good. Thanks!
Casey Schmitt – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games. It’s still hilariously inept that he’s hitting cleanup, but he has been hot.
Landen Roupp – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55. He got into trouble early, but settled down and pitched well. Said with lots of jazz hands “Now that’s pitching!”
Noah Schultz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.52. He’s got that stuff where he can’t find the plate but it doesn’t 100% matter. A young Randy Johnson. Call him Randy Johnson’s son.
Foster Griffin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.67. I see Foster’s stuff and I’m like, “You’re a Dairy Queen rip-off!” Wait, that’s not right. Griffin looks like a boring, reliable backend fantasy starter. Mostly Streamonator, and it likes his next one.
Kumar Rocker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.38. His numbers remind me of Foster Griffin. That’s why I placed his blurb here. A Rocker, as in a chair that sways back and forth, not as in WOOHOO DEVIL HORNS!
Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Little bit crazy that he was coasting and still out at five innings and 86 pitches. He doesn’t coast for one inning — just a little bit of trouble — and he’s never making five.
Yandy Diaz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .337. Close your eyes and have someone read you Yandy’s stats vs. Vlad Jr. and see if you can pick out the difference. Now have them whisper in your ear, “I am pickpocketing you,” now open your eyes and do karate.
Brooks Lee – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .253, but two homers in the last three games, so Be Water might Be Hot.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He’s having a solid enough season so far, but(t) it really highlights how insane his previous one was, since he’s “only” on pace for 30 homers.
Emerson Hancock – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. People out there with Garrett Crochet and a 6 ERA, and someone else has Hancock and McGreevy, cruising through April. That’s Hancock and McGreevy not Hancock and ManGravy.
Nathan Church – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, three homers in two games, and one of the hottest schmotatoes in the land. Church! (As in “word.”)
JJ Wetherholt – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .238. Konnor Griffin, meanwhile, won’t hit his 5th homer until he turns 100.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When he said upload my report to the cloud, I thought he wanted me to scream it at the sky.”
Aaron Nola – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.03 vs. Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Both of these guys are 100% predictable in 100% the opposite way. Nola predictably terrible; Sale predictably great. They are the yin and yang of fantasy baseball. Call them Yuck and Yay.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .196. Strikeout rates are starting to stabilize and Schwarbomb’s are a little concerning. Hopefully, it’s just an early Schwumber, so wakey-wakey.
Reynaldo Lopez – Will be moved to the pen. Great news for JR Ritchie. That was my one concern with Ritchie, where would he pitch if Strider returned. Now we know, it doesn’t matter.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. 27 more to go!
Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Cruised for five innings, then the dreaded 6th inning. Side note: This barista of mine (we get our own baristas in LA) heard I was a writer and asked if I’d read something of his. I obliged (he made a good flat white), then I was obligated to go to lunch with him to tell him why his writing wasn’t good. So, we’re sitting there having lunch and he tells me he’s bisexual. First thing, I thought was of course. All 20-somethings are! Anyway, Quality Starts are basically a non-bisexual 20-something. They don’t exist.
Kevin Gausman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Got a slightly lost in my Cantillo metaphor, but I think this means Gausman is not bisexual.
Trey Yesavage – Will return on Tuesday, and save everyone’s fantasy season. Thank you, Yesavage, in advance. You’re not my only hope, but let’s say–No, actually, you are.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Deep Southern accent, “Imma toss you into the pond and if you can walk on water, Jesus, then you hot schmotato.”
Ryan Weathers – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21 as he was activated from the IL.
With Ryan Weathers returning from paternity leave, it means there’s a new member of the Police Academy family, as his dad, David, played Tackleberry
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 25, 2026 at 2:06 PM
Do you know how damaged one’s brain has to be to remember David Weathers resembles Tackleberry? By the way, I legitimately have no idea what day is my wedding anniversary.
Luis Gil – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.05. Sigh, we’ll always have 2024.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .230. I went to the Dodgers game on Saturday (arrived in the bottom of the 3rd and left before the 6th). I saw Ohtani at-bat with his stats on the board, and I didn’t realize how poorly he was doing. Still top 40 overall on the Player Rater! Poorly for him. But file me under surprised at how poorly Judge is hitting for average too. Maybe Sal Stewart will be the top overall guy next year, yes, I just jinxed him.
Jasson Dominguez – Being called up. Is it already time for the Yankees to yank his chain again? Never gets old, I suppose, if you’re Aaron Boone. Giancarlo sounds headed to the IL, so Grisham goes to DH and Dominguez plays? No, I’m really asking. I have no idea. He’s worth grabbing if the playing time is there.
Spencer Arrighetti – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.00. You got balls of steel if you started him vs. the Yanks, so you must set off every metal detector, huh? SP. Arrighetti is still walking too many, but his stats are saying rosterable in most mixed leagues.
Christian Walker – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .291. Did he suck last year just to goose me? I’m pondering with a sad face.
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, all three coming this week. As long as Pena is out, Paredes is my number one must have. Give me a Paredes like I’m a giant Garfield balloon searching for purpose.
Shota Imanaga – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.15 vs. Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Can’t do anything but laugh. Should be great? Terrible. Should be terrible? Great. MLB pitching!
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .262. Here’s that scrub now!
Nolan McLean – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Not that he pitched poorly, but when you, as a team, getting swept by the Rockies at home, after spending like $300 million in free agency? Fire everyone. Stearns? Goodbye. Mendoza? Don’t let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya.
Kodai Senga – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.00. I wanted no part of Senga coming into the year, so I’m a bit bias but I don’t know how you can hold him in any mixed league. One love, but he’s broken.
Chase Dollander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Can’t stress enough how good he looks. In for a Dollander, in for a pound. Let’s go!
Jack Flaherty – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.33. He’s one of the worst to ever do it. All I ask is be normal. 6 IP, 4 ER? Fine. 5 IP, 4 ER? Don’t love it, but okay. 2 IP, 6 ER? Get out of here! I hate you!
Keider Montero – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Immediately went to look at where he’s next on the Streamonator, and it doesn’t seem too bad to me. But I’m no robot (I don’t think).
Spencer Torkelson – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer, and that’s five homers in five games. [doing quick math] Wow, he’s going to pass Bonds by July.
Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 4th homer in three games, as he fills in for Eugenio. Hot schmotato alert!
Rhett Lowder – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18. His underlying numbers are lying under a trash bin.
Eugenio Suarez – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. It’s time we had a difficult conversation. Obliques and hamate bones should be removed prior to anyone playing baseball. All 8-year-olds who want to play Little League? They have to have them removed. It has to happen. Since I thought of it when Eugenio went down, we can name it after him. Call the procedure, Eugenics. [intern whispers in ear]…the Nazis used to remove obliques and hamate bones? That can’t be right.
