It had been so long since I drafted Zack Wheeler (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.85) in multiple leagues, and, after so many subpar efforts, I was beginning to forget why I drafted him as my number two. Was a number two a harbinger of things to come, I asked myself while sitting on the toilet. His control in previous starts left something to be desired, which is the understatement of the year after: Christian Yelich’s poster is on just a few ceilings in Milwaukee of couples who are trying to have a baby. And the guys are the ones looking up. Yesterday, Wheeler pinged up on my iCal, reminding me why I wanted to own him. If you weren’t able to see him or the highlights, he is the first pitcher to throw 100 MPH and pitchslap the opposing pitcher, Zach Eflin (4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15) with a 100+ MPH exit velocity. “I’d like to report a Zack on Zach crime.” 911 Operator, “Is it a H or K on the first Zack?” “Get down here!” If Wheeler pitches like he did yesterday, he’s not a number two. Dot dot dot. He’s a number one! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 7.43. *insert GIF of Alonzo Mourning on the bench with understated disappointment* I mean, Sale did strikeout a bunch of Tigers, but they’re the Tigers and he still looks very hittable.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-8, 3 RBIs and two homers (3, 4) in the day game of the doubleheader, hitting .286. Bogaerts’s homers emphatically pointed to the Red Sox’s win-loss record and said, “This. Here. Ain’t my fault.”
Michael Chavis – 2-for-8 and his 1st homer, as he started at 2nd base again yesterday (for one game). Chavis rhymes with save us…Good enough for me! I’ve been telling you to pick him up since last Friday. Drop your password in the comments, and I will take the wheel.
Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Motown’s Filly back again…Getting a little of those East Coast swings…Boy-boy-boy-Boyd II Men going off…Throwing not too hard, not too soft. So, Boyd looked much better than Sale, which I think is a compliment. Even with the Sawx struggling, going to Fenway is not easy, and Boyd made it looked relatively so. His fastball has more life on it due to an arm slot change, without an increase in velocity, and he’s doing a better job of hiding the slider behind the fastball. It all looks legit, as long as he can continue his deception/arm slot change because nothing is elite.
Spencer Turnbull – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Tigers looking better than the Red Sox is pretty hilarious. As for Turnbull, two Ks to four walks is kinda woof with a side of the Regression Fairies are in a VW Bug outside your house waiting for you to come out.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. You kinda have to love guys who go into Coors like no big deal, homey.
Luke Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33 vs. Trevor Williams – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.59. This matchup was billed as, “Two guys that Grey didn’t love coming into this year but would own in just about any league now.” As you can imagine, that matchup billing has broad appeal.
Ivan Nova – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.42. Champagne supernova but pronounced chum-pain super no with a silent va.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .155. The first time I go to any sushi restaurant I order spicy tuna roll. It’s my litmus test on whether or not it’s a decent sushi place. If they can’t do that, they shouldn’t be in business. With that in mind, every pitcher should have to face Chris Davis once. If they give up a homer to him, they should not be in the majors.
Renato Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .292, and now 4 homers in the five games and hitting over-.300 in the last week and hot schmotato alert!
Dwight Smith Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .287. Serious question: DSJ or Piscotty? Okay, Piscotty, but is it that obvious?
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .281. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Pablo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.44. The Indians don’t scare me. Though, that one fan who shows up in warpaint looks like a dry drunk. However, Streamonator doesn’t like Lopez’s next start, and I agree.
Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 0 ER, but left after a collision with Neil Walker. My mom keeps screaming, “NO COLLISION!” at Fox News, but I don’t think they were showing Carrasco replays. Carrasco’s headed for an MRI. You might want to consider joining a prayer parallelogram.
Eric Sogard – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .385. Now I see why they’re not calling up Vlad Jr. *pours bleach into mouth*
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam, hitting .259. MLB Network should show random people on the street a picture of Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rowdy Tellez and ask, “Which one is Rowdy Tellez?” Instead, they have Harold Reynolds talking about how great bunting is. Any hoo! Tellez has two homers in the last three games, and hitting near-.325. Schmotellez, amiright?
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .344, and his 1st start in like ten days. Sandoval got the start, because Rowdy Tellez is his Dorian Gray portrait.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 2 R, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.21, and 114 pitches because the Cubs were in throwback jerseys and Maddon got confused. So grateful I owned Quintana in leagues too deep to drop him after his first two ugly starts, because he’s been the most reliable pitcher I’ve had since.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .200. H to the Rizzo! Or is it HR to the Rizzo? There was some discussion on this in the comments recently. Which one do people think is better? These are the important questions.
Javier Baez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .315. “But he doesn’t take a walk.” That’s people in the preseason.
Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.63. This start was on my bench. Next stop: waivers.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .274. Rosario is the quietest top 20 hitter, right? So quiet he might be a top 10 hitter. I’d have to check our Player Rater and bit too lazy right now.
Frankie Montas – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (2 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10. I’ve mentioned this before, but during the baseball year I don’t delete my search history so I can quickly type a couple of letters and their player page comes right up. With that said, I’ve searched Frankie Montas so many times, I just type “F” and my search history says, “Why don’t you like Frankie Montas? His peripherals are good. What do you plan on seeing this time?” I don’t know, search history! Stop badgering me!
Stephen Piscotty – 4-for-5, 3 runs. How early is it still? In two games, Piscotty raised his average from .244 to .286.
Lance Lynn – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.51. Oh brr Lynn, aren’t you supposed to ask for consent first before you have such a cold start?
Luke Voit – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 6th and 7th homers, and 2nd and 3rd homers in the past two games. Voit and Alonso are taking turns like Santa’s Little Helper tap-dancing around for my attention. Please, continue.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .250. Gardner came up a home run short of the cycle, but, as Joe Buck would say, his well-defined cheekbones are always a home run in my eyes.
Justin Bour – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .203. All hail the Bourbino!
Domingo German – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.75. This is Exhibit A why I have no tears for people complaining about deGrom, Scherzer or any other top 10 starter.
Mike Ford – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s got power, and he’s American-made, what more can you want?
Justus Sheffield – Will be called up to work long relief and operate in a piggyback role with Kikuchi. Though, isn’t that *lowers voice so no one hears me* a rickshaw role?
Erik Swanson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.27. When there’s so many appetizing streamers in leagues, it’s hard to justify telling you to hold a guy who just got dusted in Petco, but I still like Swanson. This was brought to you by Swanson Appetizers, only 99th the cholesterol of Swanson dinners!
Nick Margevicius – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. See what I said for Montas, but replace the F word with the N wo–Whoa, what? Margevicius has been good enough to own in most leagues, but all those walks are worrisome. I’m still not going in outside of streams.
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .219. Reminds me so much of Renfroe in years past. Yes, there’s power here, but you can’t find 27+ HRs with no counting stats elsewhere? C’mon, Stella La Tommy is on pace for 27 homers.
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, but I’d be remiss if I said I didn’t trust him more than that, even if I don’t know what remiss means. Hashtag nailed it!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Willing to take an April L on Altuve. I didn’t think his power would bounce back this year. I wonder if Kris Bryant can wash his uniform 400 times in a row to shrink it and smuggle Altuve into it.
Sonny Gray – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (0 walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.28. I’m being told that the narrative everyone wants to embrace is Gray is all the way back and look at his 31/6 K/BB. I mean, wow. The ‘wow’ was also from ‘them’ who were pushing the narrative. I’m also told to say Gray was unlucky to give up any runs yesterday and his defense let him down. Okay, but he still unraveled, right? Listen, if you want to own Gray, his 2.60 xFIP is gorge and I won’t stand in your way. I’m also not running out to pick him up. In the immortal words of Great White, “Once bitten, twice shy.”
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Mike Foltynewicz – Will return on Saturday. He had a 6.11 ERA in his minor league rehab starts, so it sounds like he could be the ace of at least 20 teams.
Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.96. Gausman and Gray are totally different pitchers with unrelated issues, but I let up on my fear of Gausman after his last start and do you see what happened? His peripherals are still solid, but put solid peripherals in one hand and a terrible start in another hand, and which hand has something? There’s nothing in either hand! Why don’t you put your feelings in a hand?
Mike Zunino – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Alfaro or Zunino in 3, 2, 1…
Emilio Pagan – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save in as many games. Diego Castillo had pitched two innings on Sunday and Jose Alvarado had pitched back-to-back games on Saturday and Sunday and Kevin Cash hates our fantasy teams and is a Pagan worshipper. Are you happy? I’m befuddled. I’m assuming Castillo and Alvarado were just resting, but *shrugs* I don’t know.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer, and now three homers in two straight games. Get hot you motherfudger! That sentence was produced by B. Giddy.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .218. Definitely cyclops’ing him to see if the 8th “post” before “hype sleeper” was finally enough build up.
Daniel Poncedeleon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st start. Wow, Poncedeleon must’ve felt…rejuvenated. *dodgers tomato* What? This, I think, is a spot start, and, even if it’s not, he’s a streamer in most leagues.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .337. Colonel Mustard in the pantry with a glass condiment bottle!
Carlos Martinez – Will return as a reliever, which was his wish. “You have two more wishes,” says Willaddin Astudillo, in blue body paint.