The City of Brotherly Love opened up its sweaty arms, where the hair is growing weirdly on the backside of the biceps, and said, “Come here, and get some of these meatballs that Clay Buchholz is throwing.” Yoenis Cespedes hit his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homers (4-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs). In Philly, they say he hit three wiz wits and a Tastykake; Neil Walker (2-for-5, 1 run) had a Tastykake and a dollop of light cream cheese; Asdrubal Cabrera (4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer) had a wiz wit, a Tastykake and three dollops of light cream cheese; Lucas Duda (4-for-6 and his 2nd and 3rd homers) had two wiz wits, a Tastykake and a dollop of the good stuff that is like curdled mother’s milk. Yoenis started off slow, which is a ludicrous thing to say, he has four homers in eight games. He’s on pace for 80 homers. I mean, you really need to take a lesson from Uncle LL, and chillllllllll. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 1-for-6, 1 run as he was dropped to 7th in the order. David Wright said, “He’s a vet, and he’s going to pull through with some jerkin’ awesomeness! How was that? I heard Dallas Braden say something similar.” David Wright said that to his sister as she helps him with his MLB audition tape.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92, but left with hamstring tightness. He was staked to a huge early lead, then sailed into a port at the W on the Ivictory Coast, earning double reward points.
Clay Buchholz – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. He left with an injury. Yeah, his pride was hurt. Snap! Don’t need the police, so stay off my back or I will attack and you don’t want that! That Queens barbershop in Coming to America are arguing whether Clay Buchholz should go by what his momma named him or by Mo’ Homers Philly. Supposedly, Buchholz has a forearm strain. If true, a great loss.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. To show their love, Phillie fans wrote ‘Maikel’ on their batteries before throwing them on the field.
Santiago Casilla – Bob Melvin said Casilla and Doolittle would share the closer’s job. Yeah, no doof. I mean, Casilla and Doolittle have been getting saves. What’s he going to tell us next? Bubb Rubb wakes up everyone on his street with his whistle muffler?
Chris Tillman – Started a game in extended spring training. Sometimes it’s also referred to as spring training after curfew.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN”s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “DID YOU MISS ME?! Of course, you did. I wanna tell you a bit about my offseason, but I still have pending charges. Otherwise, I’m good!”
Christian Vazquez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. It’s not Sandy Leon or Vazquez, the Red Sox catcher position has some kind of BABIP magic rod that you buy off a Bazooka Joe comic.
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .250. Prospector Ralph texted me yesterday, “Benintendi! And I’m not using my fingers to text this.” Ew.
Dylan Bundy – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I’m sure this will in no way dampen the Bundy enthusiasm. For further reading, here’s Lance’s Dylan Bundy breakdown.
Josh Donaldson – Sat out yesterday with a sore calf. PETA is currently investigating.
Keon Broxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Please get goofy hot, I deserve it!
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and first non-Sunday homer. No one tell him.
Matt Kemp – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. What’s the matter, Kemp? Can’t stand sharing the ‘only Padres to hit for the cycle’ glory with Myers? That’s why Rihanna dumped your ass!
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-3, 1 run and two steals (2, 3). I picture B.P. stealing a base and then yelling, “Oh, yeah, doggy!” Is it just me? Prolly.
Bartolo Colon – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.30. Colon blow!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-2, 6 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, hitting .423. OZUNA eat home runs for breakfast. OZUNA hear it’s most important meal. OZUNA then eat dinner at, like, four in the morning because eating breakfast so late.
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks. If Buxton sneezed on Giancarlo, I’m getting be so pissed!
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Stream-o-Nator loved this start and I will say it’s nice to be able to start a pitcher that you know won’t give any free passes. Just so carefree.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Real talk: it’s better to be lucky than good. I drafted Scooter in a free round of Tout Wars while he was on the Brewers with no job. Now he’s on the Reds and has more homers than any of my top hitters.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I said this the other day (yesterday? The days are bleeding together.), but Duvall was wildly underrated in drafts and looks exactly the same as last year when he hit 33 HRs.
Anthony Rendon – Sat out yesterday, because he caught whatever it is going around my fantasy team clubhouse. Buxton, you’ve polluted my fantasy team’s womb!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 0.69. Hey, the same as Buxton! Only his is a batting average. Same diff, though, right?
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .472. I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger. Poor old granddad! Okay, it’s still early, but obviously Murphy’s looking strong.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .345. Actually, everyone on the Nats looks great except Trea. I mean, even Matt Wieters (2-for-3 and his 1st homer) is hitting .435.
Matt Carpenter – Out with back tightness. He needs a standing desk! That’s what I use and couldn’t be happier. This was brought to you by Desks That Can’t Be Bought At Ikea.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Two starts in a row where he only went five and a third and five, which isn’t good, but I’d hold still in most leagues.
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Aledmys, all I ask is you hit well from Tuesday thru Saturday so by the time I tape the podcast on Monday, JB’s over it.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Have I mentioned that I wrote a Grichuk sleeper post this year? (I have, but humor me.) No? Oh, it’s so good! So much better than the Max Kepler sleeper post. (Still early!)
James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Pitching better than last year. Dot dot dot. Or is he?! Damn, the dot dot dot reversal question! That double take gives me the whirlybird every time! Yeah, Shields is still garbage, I wouldn’t trust him.
Cody Asche – 0-for-4, hitting .077. You know who eats the most hot dogs in the White Sox clubhouse? Cody Asche. Only the Japanese pronounce his name, Kobayashi. That’s a real chestnut.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .143. He gets smoking hot for stretches like a Yoga Mom, so wouldn’t be surprised if Frazier goes on a homer binge.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Whatever Spring Training injury concern there was, it sure doesn’t seem to be a problem now. Did I just jinx him? Please don’t say I jinxed him.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .308. I long for 2016 when I owned Lindor everywhere. Caveat sin e pluribus unum, which essentially means “Beware not owning the money players.”
Buster Posey – Headed for the 7-day DL. Real question, now that the regular DL is 10 days, do we really still need a 7-day DL for concussions that are never really healed in seven days and are closer to two weeks?
Jean Segura – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Taylor Motter (3-for-4, 1 run) will fill-in. Motter’s claim to fame is receiving letters from his kid at Camp Granada.
George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. Somewhere, Chris Shelton is filing a trademark infringement lawsuit, but his attorney is talking him out of it. “You weren’t the real deal and Springer is. Different circumstances.”
Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.19. First, Pineda, now Pi-Ray-neda! Not exactly the prettiest line, but compared to the 6 IP, 6 ER shellackings he was taking last year, you’ll take it and love it!
Jeff Samardzija – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, Quality Starts are so much more accurate.
Eduardo Nunez – 4-for-5, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .389. Ya know, it would’ve been nice if he was good in the 2nd half last year so this would’ve been a little more obvious.
Adrian Beltre – Had a setback and was diagnosed with a Grade 1 calf strain. Cal Ripken was only 100% for one day in May of 1987, but that didn’t stop him from playing and harassing rookies on the reg! As Beltre nurses his calf like a cow, Joey Gallo will continue to pound baseballs into the far reaches of Arlington. I own Gallo in one league, and it’s actually a league that I was doing well in if that helps sell you.
Sam Dyson – 1 IP, 3 ER, lowering his ERA to 33.00. “Solid outing.” *Jeff Banister walks past a dumpster fire* “Things looking good!” Dyson should’ve been removed from the closer role after his last outing, that a manager can’t figure that out is mind boggling. Managers are like vice principals as played by Kenny Powers. Matt Bush and Jeremy Jeffress should both be owned, in that order.
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Last man standing from the trifecta of top preseason catchers. Don’t even look at Sanchez or Posey, they’re gonna jinx you.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.71. More like Tyler Skanks.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. I’d say he gave the Angels some 9th inning heroics, but it was against Dyson, so that’s not heroics, that’s picking dead fish out of barrel after someone else shoots them.
Trevor Story – Got the night off because he’s been struggling. For what it’s Werth, he’s the only struggling hitter I don’t own. So, y’all, can go ahead and blame yo’selves!
Antonio Senzatela – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, EAR at 1.50. I grabbed him in one deep NL-Only league, but I won’t ever recommend you pick him up in a mixed league, so don’t bother asking.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I’m just gonna go ahead and place this open jar of my grandma’s ashes by the window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Manuel Margot – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Margot, would you be interested in speaking at a training seminar at the Ramada? I’m inviting Giancarlo and Buxton.
Austin Hedges – 0-for-4. He’s 0-for-20 on the season. Should be benches and Hedges, but the other catcher is Benchencourt. Maybe catching Weaver is throwing off Hedges’ timing. His mind thinks he’s somewhere with less gravity. Someone noticing Hedges, “Why won’t he take off his helmet and why is he bouncing to the dugout?”
Byron Buxton – 0-for-3, 3 Ks, hitting .069. Hitting just at the Ron Jeremy Line! Buxton reminds me of myself when I played baseball. This is why I no longer play baseball. Seriously, though, he reminds me of Melvin Upton. I think Buxton has a 20/40 season in him, but, at this point, I’d take 20 ground outs and 40 fly outs if it meant no more striking out. Sean Spicer noted that even Hitler never stooped to going 0-3 with 3 Ks like Buxton.
Matt Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. The Twins’ beat reporters seem to really want his opinion on how sucky the Twins’ lineup looks, because he kept hearing, “Boyd, do they suck?”
James McCann – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .235. The Tigers’ reporters hazed a rookie reporter by whispering to him that there is something in McCann this year that is helping his performance, making the rookie reporter ask, “What’s in McCann?” To which they responded, “A dildo!” Then he got confused, “How does a dildo help him hit homers?”
