Ozzies sure seem to always be MIs. Oswaldo Arcia must not have been allowed to change his name, he should’ve switched with Orlando. I’m at the waiver wire like this, “Go shopping…Go shopping…Let’s all go shopping…Go shopping…” Ya know what? I’m just gonna leave this here…
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
You have to love Biz’s way with words. Can only be described as slow and methodical. Ozzie Albies can best be described as mini-Altuve. What’s he a dwarf? You little person, Ozzie Albies Square Mall? He has a ton of speed (70 score), and makes contact, while his power has made serious gains. Or GAINZ, according to Endorphin Ralph. He’s a must grab in all leagues, and could be a top 25 fantasy player for dynasty leagues. This little guy is big-time. Unlike Ozzie Guillen and Ozzy Osbourne, this Ozzie will use his bat for something useful vs slapping and biting. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lucas Sims – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was also called up by the Braves. According to the Prospect-o-Nator, Sims is the number one rookie pitcher for this year. He also carries a briefcase and is drawn in pixels. I grabbed him in one deep league, and had him in an NL-Only league up until last week when I must’ve dropped him because he’s now on Lance’s team. Um, I’m dumb. His peripherals in Triple-A are kinda gorge –> 10.3 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and a 3.42 xFIP, only being done in by the home run a bit too much.
Matt Adams – Left yesterday’s game with dizziness. This is what happens when your blood sugar drops too low! Eat a Twinkie, and bring back Fatt Adams!
Johan Camargo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .296. If in March you were like, “Should I draft CarGo in Colorado or Camargo?” I would’ve wrote you off as crackers. Not so, Ritz Bits now, are ya?
Jim Johnson – 1 IP, 0 ER in the 7th inning of a losing game. I’m getting the sense the Braves are going the Caitlyn Jenner route, and are fed up with their Johnson. Obviously, Arodys Vizcaino should be owned everywhere.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 29th homer. Judge or Bellinger? You have to choose one for their career. Firmly in the Bellinger camp, but there’s no wrong answer.
Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Behind home plate last night, Stu Scheurwater was calling balls and strikes, and Stu is about 85 pounds underweight and 30 years too young to umpire. Who is this kid? Is he Doogie Howser of umpires? He start umpiring as a ten-year-old? If an umpire doesn’t look on the brink of angioplasty, he is not an umpire!
Johnny Cueto – Developed forearm tightness in rehab. Yeah, that’s where he developed it. You mean it wasn’t random bouts of blisters on his hand that’s made him look like a shell of his former self? Shocking. For those slow on the uptake, shocking with a period is not shocking. It’s like opening a closet and a cat jumps…five minutes after you opened the closet and you’re already in the other room.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.77. I’m gonna win a lot of leagues if Schmohawkzija manages to get his ERA down to where his xFIP is in the 2nd half.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 17th homer, and hitting near-.360 in the last week. This guy is hitting with reckless a-Brandon!
Keon Broxton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the minors. Brinson will be the man left without a starting job now, as Broxton said, “Reclaiming my playing time! Reclaiming my playing time! Reclaiming my playing time!”
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, as he was activated from the DL, and picked up right where he left off, unfortch. I know he’s got real life sadness in his heart, with his moms battling ALS. I can’t even imagine. We don’t know Piscotty! We don’t know Piscotty! With that said, it feels like a lost season for him.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.37 vs. Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.59. This matchup was billed as, “Grey could see ranking both of these guys in the top 20 for starters next year.” I’m the only one who calls it this.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.81. CC made his 500th start, and is only the 2nd pitcher to do that without a relief appearance. After the game, he was informed he’d be moved to the bullpen for Sonny Gray. I’m kidding, but I shouldn’t be.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .303. Didi’s ready to make one fly, that’s why he hits that way.
Shane Greene – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save, though he is apparently also staying in middle relief. Way to trust your other guys, Ausmus.
Edinson Volquez – Don Mattingly said Volquez is “definitely” out for the season with a knee injury. I imagine he said it straight-faced right after Edinson tried to pick up a paperclip and fell to the ground writhing in pain, because, later it was revealed, Edinson needs Tommy John surgery. No wonder why he hurt his knee; he’s trying to throw with his leg.
Max Scherzer – Homered in his first at-bat, but then left the game after one inning with neck spasms, saying he slept on it funny. Next time, he won’t sleep on his Kings of Comedy box set.
Howie Kendrick – 5-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .353. Kendrick is exactly the kind of guy Dusty will find a way into the lineup, in a good slot, for the rest of the year if he’s healthy. Also, five hits goes a long to a schmotato.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Mentioned before, will mention again, Ziegler could coast into October with the job and rack up 12+ saves in two months. SAGNOF!
Amed Rosario – 1-for-4 and hit 7th, as he was called up. You can’t stop the Amedness!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .316. I’m going to place the last four years of my tax returns by the open window to signify what a breeze this audit is going to be–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .249. It’s a little crazy how much I’m rooting for Donaldson now. Not because I own him, but because I want people to draft him too high again next year. Future schadenfreude! Schadenfuture?
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .302. I get at least one comment a week asking if Smoak is for real. Guys and five girls, he has 30+ homers and hitting over .300, and I keep saying his peripherals are supporting his breakout.
Patrick Corbin – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.77 vs. Jon Lester – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.96. I don’t have kids, but I think I have the same feeling of a parent the first time they put their kids on the bus and send them to school. I get that feeling every time I start a pitcher.
Adam Rosales – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs as he hit third because he played shortstop for the Diamondbacks and that’s where Owings hit on occasion. Seriously, 100 monkeys with a 100 typewriters could fill out a major league lineup card better than any major league manager.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. HR to the Rizzo (repeat refrain).
Javier Baez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Fourteen homers is good. Dot dot dot. For May! This is 2017 and it’s August!
Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, as he hits 8th. See 1/18th of inch above. Or five inches above if a girl is reading.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.89. This start is the new shutout.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. LoMo’s home run went 412 feet and 140 characters!
Evan Longoria – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he hit for the cycle. Hitting for the cycle is such an odd thing, right? It’s a good game, sure. Does it really mean anything? It’s like getting a 100 on a test in a class you ultimately get a C in. Hey, great job! You’re still hitting .276 on the year and on pace for as many homers as Bellinger already has.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Fee, fie, fo, fum, I smell a schmotato, and a mystery-flavored Dum-Dum!
Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 4th homer in three games. Bet you’re glad you dropped him, huh?
Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer. Gallo’s like a fine, screw-off top wine!
Alex Claudio – 1 IP, 0 ER. For what it’s Werth, I’m not entirely sure Claudio is still the closer. Last night, he just randomly came in to the 8th inning, the game before, he weirdly pitched two plus innings. I’d guess Keone Kela is the closer, but he pitched the 7th yesterday. I grabbed Leclerc, but have no idea where this is headed, or three-headed.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .220. I bet he hits more than 14 homers this year, and less than 50. What, I like Hedges.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.99, which tells only half the story. Or better yet, it’s telling the full story, and you really only want to know half the story. The story of the home games. At home, his ERA is near-2. You keep Chacin on a tight Jhoulys, and you’re doing golden.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Okay, everyone’s an ace in Petco. Fair enough.
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.16. On June 16th, his ERA was 4.76. Yup. More yup, on my team, he has a 1.52 ERA in 47 1/3 IP with a 0.99 WHIP. Now let’s all form a prayer hexagon that the Phils are rained out once so he misses his next start in Coors.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. I’ll point you back to how I said a few weeks ago Pujols had a solid 2nd half last year.
Scott Schebler – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Knowing MLB trainers, he’s prolly been suffering from this for the last six weeks and why his numbers have taken a sharp downturn. Elementary school nurses > MLB trainers.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Meh, we get those from everyone. We should be able to call a homer from Hamilton four steals.
Jesse Winker – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was called up to replace Schebler, and Winker will play on the reg. All right, time for a cyclops’ing with a monocle.
Gregory Polanco – Ran the bases on Tuesday, and hopes to be activated today. Hopefully Brocktune returns humming something not catchy.
Jameson Taillon – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.74. I love the ball on this guy. Love him. But can’t own him right now. C**nt is not helping matters by letting him get absolutely murdered. Why did he even go out for the 4th inning? Treating the surviving twin like a punching bag!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (17) and legs (7). The homer, a crack off Kimbrel, as the Indians were dusting the Red Sox off their shoulders. Only Christian Vazquez was catching all their dust and waiting for his moment. To be continued in six blurbs.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Seems unlikely he’d get close to preseason projections, but two hot-as-dog-balls months and he’s there. Wouldn’t be the strangest thing that happened this year. A catcher scored from first on a swinging strike this year.
Carlos Carrasco – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.89. Hello, Jehovah, you don’t know me, but I bought your likeness at a consignment store. I started Carrasco and Taillon, can you give me strength? *sees at bottom of bag a grip strengthener* Thanks, dreadlocked God!
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 2.70. The Regression Fairies lower the volume on their yellow Walkman, “This isn’t us. This is juiced baseballs.”
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. The homer was because he didn’t hit it towards Austin Jackson.
Christian Vazquez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a walk-off homer in a game that caused every Red Sox fan to lose control of their Shift key and go all caps. From a fantasy perspective, I was gonna mention him the other day, he’s hitting .500 in the last week. You know the drill. Or DRILL.
Dustin Pedroia – Hit the DL with knee inflammation. That’s what happens when a Sparky Anklebiter lets the sparks travel too far north.
David Price – Played catch on Tuesday. I bet he didn’t play catch with Dennis Eckersley.