For Opening Day, I woke up at the crack of dawn on the West Coast, because no one in this godforsaken country cares about the West Coast. Once I had my coffee and vape set up for a full day of baseball, I saw the Pirates/Tigers game was postponed and thought about how they should have their seasons postponed. “I Mahtook you for a friend of the Tooks!” That’s Mikie Mahtook. Finally, I opened the MLB app on my iPad to find I had forgotten my password. Cut to two hours later, and I was ready to watch some baseball! Then Carlos Martinez gave up multiple runs on multiple fantasy teams of mine and I was ready to nap again. Ah, it’s good to be back! Speaking of which, I’ll trade you Carlos Martinez for a bag of Dick Pole’s. Doesn’t matter which bag. Maybe the one Salvador Perez was carrying. You know what would’ve been Sweet Baby Jesus of me? If I benched that goofy-haired, can’t-keep-his-hands-to-himself Cardinals pitcher. Not to worry, I had Chris Archer going later in the day. *sees Kiermaier and Span misplay a Eduardo Nunez ball into an inside-the-parker, crawls under bed* Fantasy baseball: When everyday stress is just not enough. Any hoo! It’s good to be back, now let’s get down to business. Matt Davidson went 3-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs with his 1st, 2nd and third homer. Someone wants to be Tuffy Rhodes. “Not bad for five innings.” Oh, shut up, Mark Whiten! Do we have our first hot schmotato?! I schmay schwe schdo! Sounded better in my head! Davidson won’t be in today’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. I grabbed him in my RCL, because I’m in straight panic mode and Joe Panik is already owned! Yes, there’s a Buy/Sell later today. You’re welcome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Shields – 6 IP, 4 ER vs. Danny Duffy – 4 IP, 5 ER. In a game of whatever you can do, I can do worse. This round went to Duffy. My money’s on Shields in the rematch.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. My Tim Anderson sleeper isn’t looking so bad right now. *blows on knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt, sees knuckles are bleeding from beating the wall during Carlos Martinez’s start* Damn!
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Commissioner Rob Manfred was in attendance for this game, handing out Super Balls to the pitchers.
Greg Holland – Signed by the Cards. In related news, Scott Boras and the Cardinals were visited by the Guinness Book of World Records to record their times in the Last One To Blink Contest. Sounds like Holland should only take a few weeks (ten days?) to be ready to take over closer duties. A shame, the West African province of Dominic Leone was beautiful this time of year.
Jose Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 1st homer as he hit fifth for the Cards. Matt Carpenter (1-for-4) moved to 3rd base and Jedd Gyorko looked like the big Gyorko on the bench. Jo-Ma could be an early season breakout. Pay close attention.
Carlos Martinez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Days like these when you wish MLB would believe the women and suspended C-Mart for one start.
Michael Conforto – Could return from the DL by April 5th, which means he’ll be back on the DL by May 5th. I’m only half kidding. Or am I half adulting?
Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-3, 2 runs as he hit leadoff. Likely squeezed a bit for playing time when Conforto returns, but Conforto could go to first over A-Gon and–What I’m saying is you won’t find Nimmo in my afternoon Buy column, but I did grab Nimmo in one mixed league. Always be rosterbatin’.
Ian Happ – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. I’m not gonna waste my shot! I’m not gonna waste my shot! Sorry, mentioned Alexander Hamilton, and I went all Lin-Manuel on you. I wrote an Ian Happ sleeper this offseason, and I can’t believe I didn’t draft him anywhere.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. 58 homers to go!
Brett Gardner – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Clunky Metaphor Alert! You just bought a new car. It’s a nice car, Brent. You like the car a lot. You live in sunny California. You don’t need windshield wipers. Then the day after you buy the car, it rains. You’re glad you got the windshield wipers. Gardner is windshield wipers. You’re never happy about buying him at a draft, but you always end up glad you did.
Josh Donaldson – 0-for-3 and a steal, but John Gibbons said Donaldson is dealing with a dead arm. If that’s the case, it looked like Jonathan Silverman was moving Donaldson’s dead arm to throw.
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Albert Pujols (2-for-5) and Zack Cozart (leadoff; 3-for-6) homered, but WHAT ABOUT SHOHEI OHTANI?! He actually hit a rope in one at-bat, at least a tightly wound piece of string. Was he playing possum in the spring? Maybe, but he looked like junk left in a mildewy trunk the other four at-bats and ended up 1-for-5.
Mike Trout – 0-for-6. Who is this bum?
Matt Olson – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. All praise to Allahson!
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s like a power windshield wiper (the clunky metaphor that won’t end!). No one cheers when they draft Davis, but then he goes out and hits 35+ homers.
Joey Lucchesi – Will make his major league debut today. That’s Joey Lucchesi of the Teaneck Lucchesis. Not the Fughetaboutit Lucchesis from Bensonhurst. Different Lucchesis. Any time a Padres pitcher is in the mix, count me interested, but, before we start grabbing each other with consent, Lucchesi might be out of the rotation when Lamet returns. I don’t mind the flyer on Lucchesi, but keep expectations in check.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That homer was of the “the defense is stupid” variety as mentioned in the lede, but they all count. *hears something in my ear bud* I hear this one does not count. Oh well.
Enrique Hernandez – 0-for-2 as he hit cleanup. Yo, Dave Roberts done stole so many bases his head went goofy. LA area Taco Bells are selling the brand new, Robertoloco. It’s a fast food speciality that doesn’t know how to set a lineup.
Mark Melancon – Officially hit the DL, as I predicted yesterday after reading a large-scale mural that said, “Melancon is going to the DL.” Actually, the mural was Melancon’s name being peed on by Calvin. I’ve grabbed Tony Watson, Hunter Strickland, and Sam Dyson wherever I could, which is to say I grabbed Watson and Strickland, and made excuses for not grabbing Dyson. Bochy says Strickland will close, but sometimes, due to the size of his head, his brain doesn’t always know what his mouth is saying. Yesterday, however, he was on the money and Strickland recorded the save. SAGNOF!
Jon Gray – 4 IP, 3 ER. So, Gray’s gonna be shaky early, but he will find his side piece–Wait, that’s me imaging a side piece. Gray, the pitcher, hopefully will fine his slide piece.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. This inspirational note my mawmaw wrote me when I was eight on how to always be my best self, this note that has always carried me through the toughest of times, I’m going to leave it by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
David Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal. Sonavabench! Damn it, why can’t all games happen at the same time so I know who is starting? Don’t you answer! I’m talking to the Lord.
Michael Brantley – Placed on the 10-day DL. Who took the under on the over/under of one day?
Brad Brach – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Let’s just say my dog, Ted, attacks elderly people on the street and I have him on a longer leash than I think the O’s will have Brach. I have already picked up Darren O’Day.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Don’t think I have any shares of either of these pitchers (hey, it’s still early I don’t know who I own across all of my leagues), but I liked both of them in the preseason, so hopefully you (and I?) own one of them.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, and robbed of the season’s first slam & legs when Craig Gentry said, “I’m starting on Opening Day? Well, may as well leave on my jet pack.” Too bad because Hitter-Tron loved Rosario yesterday, like it loves rubbing itself on a metal toaster.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. C’mon, let Freeman set balls free all year, and I don’t mean by forgetting his jockstrap.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. I have a feeling by the end of the year I’m going to be typing Albies’s name with my drool.
Nick Markakis – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Sparkakis!
Pat Neshek – The Phils’ Six Trillion Dollar Bod, Gabe Kapler, said the Phils won’t have a set closer. Yo, Kapler, stop doing burpees, start overeating and smoking like most MLB managers, and play by the rules, and announce a closer! Yesterday, Hector Neris (1 IP, 3 ER) took the loss and I grabbed Neshek everywhere, but Neshek is said to be dealing with a lat injury.
Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and pulled in a 5-0 game after 68 pitches. Kapler should put a treadmill in the dugout so he can rid himself of excess energy.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Buzzfeed Quiz, What MLB Player Is Most Like A Robot? Insert picture: Verlander. That’s journalism!
George Springer – 1-for-4 and a leadoff home run for the 2nd Opening Day in a row. As Rudy says, Springer’s got top five fantasy player written all over him. I don’t disagree.
Anthony DeSclafani – Hit the 60-day DL. Good news is we don’t have to talk about his bad news for a while.
Raisel Iglesias – Left on paternity leave. In the maternity ward, Raisel said, “Here is the Iglesias, here is the steeple, here is my wife’s vagina with little people.”