“Take It To The Graveman” No Longer About Cheating Secrets In Houston

Kendall Graveman was traded to the Astros with Rafael Montero for Abraham Toro and Joe Smith. So, I am now asking, what on earth is going on there? Is that a real trade? That trade made it seem like the Mariners’ front office wished they never made Tuesday night’s comeback. That’s a trade a last place team does with a first place team that’s in another division. Pardon the pun, but that Toro trade is fishy as hell. Unless I’m missing something, or the Mariners are like, “We need Toro, because the Padres love fatty tuna and we have to send him there for Hosmer.” Otherwise, that is just, well, bad, and hard to understand. Then the Mariners went out and got Tyler Anderson out from under the Phils’ nose, which is a long, green snout. Phillies tried to send a helmet stuffed with caramel popcorn and Pirates were like, “Hey, this guy’s getting stuck in my teeth.” So, a team with France isn’t waving the white flag? What goes on here? This is so crazy confusing! As for the Mariners’ pen, Paul Sewald, who has been great, takes over as closer. He could’ve been great with Graveman there too, though. As for Graveman? Engrave it with “RIP your fantasy value.” As for Tyler Anderson, he has a wicked cutter, and a very stable ERA of 4.30-ish, which is fine for real baseball and the Streamonator, but this trade doesn’t make him great. As for Toro, he homered last night in a pinch-hit appearance. It was almost like he knew what pitch was coming. Hmm… Well, Toro is a utility player for now, until the M’s get rid of Seager. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Flexen – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.81. Ya mean a guy with a K-rate lower than his ERA isn’t great? Huh, weird.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! Or as his mom calls him, “My 2nd favorite child.”

Stephen Strasburg – Will undergo surgery for Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. If you’re a pitcher, you absolutely want to opt out of TOS. Any time baseball doctors say, “It’s not so bad, Matt Harvey had that surgery and look at him,” you should run. His career is in jeopardy, which would suck, if he didn’t just get $245 million for seven starts.

Max Scherzer – Cleared to make his next start. Team doctors said, “He’s incredibly fit and ready to throw like he’s 24 years old. It truly is amazing. Also, if anyone wants to trade for him, they don’t need to have him tested because we just did it.”

Trea Turner – Left the game after an infield hit, and some speculation went up that he was traded, but the Nats are having themselves a bad time of it and Trea has Covid. The Nats juggling calamities are Ben Affleck with Dunkin’. On a side note about Covid, did Trea get it as he rounded third? MLB still hasn’t figured out how to test players and get results prior to the game? That’s ridiculous. Treat Urner will now miss at least ten days.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. If Treat Urner gave Sexy Dr. Pepper Covid, you will be able to hear me scream from any part of the continental U.S.

Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and now 14 homers in the last three months, after a terrible April. 14 homers across three months is a ~30-homer pace, and not bad at all. This is me paying Josh Bell a compliment.

Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, which was an inside-the-parker, and that is not who invented Napster.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. McClutch is McHotStuff.

Kumar Rocker – Mets’ number one draft pick has issues with his pitching elbow. Mets are not wasting any time!

Carlos Carrasco – Will return on Friday. Because I like to make myself suffer, I went back to read the March 18th diagnosis of Carrasco, and he was due back mid-May. MID-MAY! And that was the far side of the projected absence. They said six to eight weeks. Little did we know they meant six to eight weeks for a fruit fly, which is a lifetime.

Jerad Eickhoff – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 8.69. Mets should agree to trade the Phils Jerad Eickhoff and $100 million dollars, but they only get the money if the Phils put Jerad Eickhoff in their rotation.

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I had some real ding-dong’ers this year, which I’m blaming on 2020’s sample size, but I nailed not going anywhere near McNeil in drafts.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. That home run was a tank job to Tank City that died a hero in The World War of Tanks.

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, a grand slam. That’s his 2nd career grand slam, which pushes him past Michael Chang.

Javier Baez – Scratched from the lineup with “I undressed on my way to first base two nights ago, and I ain’t trying to have anyone throw at me.” It’s a day-to-day situation.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. HR to the Izzo! Please get hot and hit 20 homers in the final two months.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. As he rounded the bases, he held up a sign that read, “Get me out of here.”

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-1 with a pinch-hit homer (15). Can’t believe their hottest hitter doesn’t play every day. It’s wild, and very stupid to be without Wisdom. Hopefully, after a trade, he will be an everyday player.

Adbert Alzolay – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Meh, he’s been basically a streamer since he returned from the IL, and the Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, so you can say bye.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4, and his 16th and 17th homer, and his 4th straight game with a homer, and 100th straight at-bat with a homer. It’s hard to break through and get a lede during Trade Deadline Week, but Votto almost did it. He did not, obviously. But so close. Joey Votto’s the horseshoes of ledes. Along with Jorge Soler, for what it’s Cronenworth. Joey Votto always seemed like the type who could hit homers if he wanted to. Apparently, now he wants to. Go, Joey, go! And I don’t mean that how it would sound coming from Liam Hendriks.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Honestly, I thought he retired earlier this year.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer, hitting around .300 since the All-Star Break with two homers, and over .375 in the last week with two homers. Um, the same two homers.

Vladimir Gutierrez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.75. His ERA is only 0.02 away from Adbert, but Vlad does nothing for me. His peripherals are awful, his…Well, it’s all awful.

Luis Cessa – Him and Justin Wilson were traded from the Yanks to the Reds. Wonder if Cessa took himself to Cincy.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. As he rounded the bases, he made the universal sign for “Call me.”

Brendan Rodgers – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and both on the road. It’s Brendan Roadgers to you!

C.J. Cron – Stole a base, then seemed to run right off the field. Did he get traded or just finally have enough of Bud Black’s treatment of Sam Hilliard, who homered yesterday in Cron’s absence?

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. I’ve become a Stantani.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.13 vs. James Kaprielian – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.24. A MediOAKer vs. a HodgePadre. Who was home? That’s all that matters.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Fun the Jewels fast!

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. His peripherals snuck up on me! Sneaked? Whatever the case, I’ve been sleeping on JoMo. I want mo’ JoMo. JoMo mo! JoMama made a JoMo and I want mo-mo! Okay, I need a nap. *blinks eyes, claps hands* I’m back! He’s got a 9 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.55 FIP, going FIP over xFIP because his homers allowed look fine. ACKCHUALLY, he looks fine! I’m surprised, in a good way.

Ryan LaMarre – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! LaMarre is French for the sea, so the Yanks’ outfielder is actually Ryan Seacrest.

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .224. Is he a .260 or .220 hitter? Gonna be interesting digging in on Lowe, with this shovel I got at Lowe’s! *late-night informercial plays as the life drains from Grey’s eyes*

Harrison Bader – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (9) and legs (6), 3rd homer in four games, near-the-top of the 7-day Player Rater, one of the hottest schmotato in baseball and completely balanced on a beam.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .209. Colonel Mustard in the hallway with a seat cushion.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66 vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Guardians/Cardinals matchup is one between “whatever lucky SOB falls out of John Gant’s Lucky Pitcher Factory in his hair” and Cleveland’s Starting Pitcher Factory that’s in the kitchen of a rotted-out Old Spaghetti Factory.

Akil Baddoo – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. Man, Erykah Baddoo has been such a revelation this year. From Rule Five to “I Got Five On It, I’m smoking that Baddoo weed.”

Eric Haase – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. Haase going for 30 homers. He gets there or nah? Or naah?

Michael Fulmer – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.95, as he was activated from the IL. Tigers have moved onto Gregory Soto as the closer, and I can’t help hear his name and think of Geovany Soto. Fulmer could see saves again, or the Tigers might stick with Soto (Gregory, not Geovany).

Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, but left after being hit on the hand. This guy is a ball magnet, literally.

Hansel Robles – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.91. Looking at Hansel Robles on my fantasy team and crying, what are you up to? Sorry! That was meant for a chat message with my shrink. DUBYA TEE EFF have I done to the universe? Imagine thinking Hansel Robles could be a good closer. Wouldn’t be me (it was me). Robles left with a trainer, so I’d guess Alex Colome is next, but he’s been terrible too.

Kenta Maeda – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Hey, there’s a Kenta start I’d expect. It’s also against the Tigers at home, so if it wasn’t good, I’d suggest retirement.

Brian Anderson – 3-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (4), and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert, yes, but also: Facing O’s pitchers.

Lewin Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, as he finally got a start. See that, I’ve been cyclops’ing him! In mixed leagues, I think you still need to wait to monocle, but Lewin is exactly the type to suddenly get a full-time job with a trade.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Also, in this game, Austin Hays (1-for-4) hit his 10th homer. The O’s have a top four in their lineup that is sneaky sexy, and about to Ad-ley.

Danny Duffy – Royals said he’d be ready to return from his forearm strain in a month. For some reason, that made me laugh extremely hard. Not at Duffy. It sucks for him. But the thought the Royals are going to get back Duffy from his forearm injury that he’s been battling since May 17th. Oh…*marches in a formation that spells out all of Shakespeare’s plays*…kay.

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh em gee, it’s my boy Eloy!

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Not sure of the home run call used for him, but may I suggest, “That’s Sheets to the wind!”

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Solid season for Narvaez. I mean, he’s no Eric Haase, but so few are.

Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. How is he not in the lineup every day? Are people talking about this batshizz nonsense? Don’t think anyone’s talking about it except me — guess it’s up to me to *pinkie to mouth* Tellez.

Devin Williams – Activated from the IL. Is it me or do you suspiciously view every player coming off the IL during Trade Deadline Week? Like what are the Brewers doing here? Are they about to trade Devin to another team and have to pretend he’s healthy? I have a real scheme-y mind.

Christian Yelich – Hit the Covid IL, so he’s required to quarantine for 10 days. Just an absolutely brutal season from him found its exclamation mark. Where does he go next year in drafts? Top 50? 75? 100? Do you go anywhere near him in drafts? At what point? Generally curious what people think. I have my ideas.

Jace Peterson – Needs to quarantine for seven days. Surprised Peterson wasn’t a groundout to 2nd base, since he came into contact with Yelich.