“Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong…oh, and Just Dong. Then, when you get tired, and wanna go home, Just Dong some more.” That was the guy who hired Quasimodo to ring the bell at Notre Dame. It was also the Red Sox yesterday. Leading the Red Sox yesterday in the Just Dong parade of Just Dongers was none other than, you guessed it, Just Dong Martinez (4-for-6, 4 runs, 4 RBIs), who hit his 3rd, 4th and 5th homers, as he hits .472. Hey, Preseason Grey who hated J.D. Martinez, you suck. Always seem to get myself in trouble when I try to time the end of guys’ productiveness, rather than just going with guys until they’re no longer liable. Whit Merrifield and Nelson Cruz come to mind, too. So, I trust Just Dong now, right? Well, no, not entirely, but I also can’t point to any reason not to trust him, so process of elimination tells me, he’s a younger version of Nelson Cruz. Call him Nelson Dongz. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs hit his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .250, and finally one of the hitters I took in the first two rounds doing something. I am not Eloy’ing myself early on.

Alex Verdugo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs hit his 1st homer. Sonavabench! In one of those bi-weekly leagues, I put him on my bench Friday, because the Red Sox weren’t playing and why isn’t every team playing on Friday? Are we taking it easy on Dan Pants for his Friday roundups? Load it up on Pants, he can handle it!

Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .229. Donkey Teeth’s AL MVP preseason choice looking strong!

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. One more homer and Trey will have hit a trey. If it’s a 3-run homer, then the world will implode, so get your affairs in order.

Christian Yelich – Left the game with a bad back. Ah, the spirit of Ryan Braun is alive and well in Milwaukee.

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Still like Houser in deeper leagues, but that wasn’t a great start. How’sever, his next start is a go pitcher on the Streamonator.

Keston Hiura – Homered on Saturday, and might’ve been getting hot, so he was benched on Sunday. Ah, yes, the ol’ “get hot, then bench” maneuver. Often leads to “Hey, I have dandruff?” because of the head-scratching.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert, or as Prince Fielder calls him, “The reason why I spent a half mil on a divorce attorney.”

Daniel Ponce de Leon – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 11.37. His name is ironic, because this start aged me five years.

Chris Owings – Hit the IL with a sprained thumb. No one knows when the injury occurred, and it’s believe that he was telling Bud Black for days, but Black thought he was correcting the pronunciation of his name, “Okay, I won’t say Oh…ings anymore, I will say Ow…ings.” Black should play Hampson or even Hilliard now, but knowing Black this will somehow lead to the Rockies trading for Todd Frazier.

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.82. Is it me or does everyone get mad that people shorten his name to the genre of music Disco vs. the Ska? It is just me, isn’t it?

Brandon Belt – 1-for-2, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Fun fact! A Bra-Belt is what happens when a girl has on a chastity belt and goes down a water slide.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Could return on Friday, and then get re-injured about ten days from then. I’m sorry, I don’t want to be Mr. Hater, the hater of all things wonderful. I do not have a PhD, a quote-unquote player hating degree. But, yeah, I don’t see how he injures himself twice in ten days on non-contact, then is just fine. I have him on a team too, so I hope I’m wrong, but, yeah.

Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.63. Way to show that fantastically terrible, horrendously awful hitting team, the Rangers, who is the boss. Beginning to think Paddack is more last year than 2019.

Adrian Morejon – Left yesterday’s start with an elbow/forearm strain. Oh, is that it? *watches as my computer magically moves the cursor to drop Morejon without me touching the mouse* Smart computer.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two days, and he’s only been back three days, and you doubted him, didn’t you? It’s okay to admit it, I doubted him.

Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Faultyquiznossandwitz is a bridge too far for my streaming, no matter how deep the league.

Brent Honeywell –  2 IP, 0 ER as he was recalled from the alternate training site. Wanna hear something funny that’s not funny at all? I simply googled Brent Honeywell fantasy, and clicked on the Razzball article from last year. Regarding what to expect:  I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone does. That article I linked to two (stutterer!) sentences ago is about 2,000 words long, so that’s your info of what could happen. I could see the flyer in most leagues.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. The Rice Bowl and pi, what a satisfying meal!

Domingo German – Optioned to the minors. Could Deivi Garcia be the replacement? Michael King? The Yankees trade for Mike Minor because that’s the kind of shizz the Yanks do? Grab Deivi now, just in case it’s him. You don’t want to miss him, and he’s only 4’8″ so it’s easy to.

Gio Urshela – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. What a shot! Dot dot dot. That knocked him out for a day, then he returned after one day. Could see this a lot this year, where a guy is knocked out for a day, after getting the 2nd vax shot. I fell asleep with my head on the WebMD homepage, can you tell?

Julio Teheran – Hit the 10-day IL with a shoulder strain. Aw, too bad, so sad. So! I think Michael Fulmer is now in the rotation, and early on he has a ~13 K/9, zero walks and two miles on his fastball from last year, up to 95 MPH, which is where it was earlier in his career. I grabbed Fulmer in one deeper mixed league, and I’m cyclops’ing him in shallower leagues.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit the IL with a biceps strain. It’s only one, that’s confusing. A monocep? Hmm, better. You’re welcome, English language. Renato Nunez was called up to replace Miggy and could have some deep-league value for power.

Tarik Skubal – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.71. Every year I promise myself to ignore all news out of spring training, except injury news, and every year I fall prey to at least one or two. As they say at the Reynolds Wrap factory, foiled again!

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Absolutely, 10000% percent positive Wilson Ramos will lead the majors in homers this year. No doubt in my mind. Ow, eye roll headache!

Aaron Civale – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45.
“We’ve decided to go out fancy tonight, so a party of two for your wonderful bistro…The Old Spaghetti Factory.”
“One-a minute, sir, and I’ll be-a right with-a you.” The host, Sal, slowly backpedals into the kitchen, turns and shouts, “Put away the radar guns! Hide the Driveline gear!”
Just then, Keith Morrison, host of Dateline walks out. “This quaint Italian ristorante, known commonly as The Old Spaghetti Factory, is actually a front, and in the kitchen…Well, that’s where it gets interesting, it’s really The Indians Starting Pitcher Factory.”

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. “I’m-a sorry, here we-a don’t serve meatballs.” Okay, I’d like to try a small experiment. Can the Indians trade for Pivetta? I’d just like to see the Pivetta that we’ve dreamt about for five years.

Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. More like Emmanuel Closer, amiright? Haha, Clase dismissed! *takes five second nap, claps hands* I’m back! ‘Member when I said Merryweather could be a top five closer this year? Well, he could, and Clase could be a top two closer. In every league, grab him.

Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86. Not dealin’ Cease. Michael Kopech, on the other hand, better be careful how good he’s doing, or he’s going to be viewed as a middle reliever. Try shaking that perception with a bunch of giant idiots running MLB teams.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .139. Nice to see the homer, was beginning to think Ozzie had bitten off too much of the bat.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .444. Just thought of a poor schnook who drafted Tatis in front of Tildday. Woof, someone go check on them. They need a friend.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .167. Will be hitting .300 by this time next week. It’s early; stop panicking; you’re making me nervous.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .306. Also, in this game, Bryce Harper (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, and Didi Gregorius (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer. That’s three seconds or the time for a battery to go from the upper deck to the field in Citizens Bank Park. What, it’s a measurement of time in Philly. “I’ll be back in sixty batteries.” That means three minutes. See?

Zach Davies – 1/2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 11.05. Hey, quick question, why does it hurt when I sit?

Javier Baez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Javier Baez likes watching video more than the lady who runs The Last Blockbuster.

Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. One good start, one not so good. What are we gonna see next, Keller? Uh, I mean, what are we gonna get? Streamonator says bleh.

JT Brubaker – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.93. I have no dog in this fight, but it would be funny to me if the Cubs end up with a worst record than the Pirates.

Patrick Corbin – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, as he was surprisingly activated from the IL. Sure am glad I was able to figure out how to get him in my lineup without much notice.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89. This matchup’s embodiment is a chiropractor’s brochure that reads, “I got your back” in bold font.

Zach McKinstry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  This 90’s nightclub that is a hollowed out church was in Friday’s Buy.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 8.31. Heard Frankie goes to Houston, and panicked, when I should’ve just relaxed.

Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Prior to yesterday, it looked like Montero’s tenure as closer had one foot in the grave, man. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo*

Taylor Trammell – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Kyle Seager – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Wonder if it was weird for Kyle when he was a child, prior to Corey being born, and he just watched his parents point at his mother’s pregnant belly saying, “This one is going to be even better.”

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. One of these pitchers has a 3.75 ERA and one has a 1.64 ERA. Of course, ERA isn’t everything but judging by just how many questions there are about one of these pitchers and not the other, you’d assume Kikuchi had the 1.64 ERA. I like Kikuchi, but the hype is not meeting the reality.

Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .481. Not going to do a countdown until Buxton’s injured, because we all know it’s coming in the next 21 days. You need me to count down from 21?

Alex Colome – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75, as he blew his 2nd one. Colome better be careful or he’s going to get a Rogers’ing.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.46. From the Rangers to the Angels to Royals next, even the Streamonator likes those early-season odds on Long Island’s Matz.

Zac Gallen – Possible to return on Tuesday. Sure, he threw a bullpen session of 67 pitches, and now he’s ready to return. Oh…*walks from Canada to Cape Horn*…kay.

Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Sonavabench! I am in a tailspin to start this season. *smacks face* Get it together! Was actually happy to see him lose his no-hitter in the 7th. I don’t think I could’ve taken that kind of sonavabenching. Didn’t even want to bench him, but his 1st start of the week was in Coors, and I only had him in weekly leagues, and–Any hoo! I like Weaver, and have him in roughly five deeper weekly leagues, four of which benched.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 4th homer in as many games. Someone wake Dale Long…*sees he died in 1991*…Well, someone wake the guys (or girls!) in a fantasy league where Escobar is available.

Nick Ahmed – 2-for-4 as he was activated and Geraldo Perdomo was optioned back to the alternate site, and what a gigantic waste of time that guy turned out to be. Better charge by the domo, because you ain’t getting no mo’.

Sonny Gray – Threw a successful simulation game. Now who’s going to buy him a new Wii?

Dexter Fowler – Hit the IL with a torn ACL. Hello, from the other site… Sorry, was just thinking of what Adell might be singing right now.

Yimi Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save on Saturday, as he seemingly replaces Anthony Bass as the Marlins’ closer. Marlins and Bass were never gonna work. Opposites attract. Wetteland never succeeded in Seattle, he needed the dry Texas climate. Me drafting Bass thinking it would work: dumBass.

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.80. And just like that he’s become relevant for 12-team mixed league and shallower leagues. Don’t ask if you should grab him, just grab him. That’s right, forget about consent!

Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 0.64, and the loss to the Marlins. “Geez, what a bum, if he can’t get wins.” — famous quote by Murray Chass.

Marcus Stroman – Threw to two batters yesterday prior to them calling it for rain. Serious question, are the umpires stupid? Are they absolutely as dumb as a box of rocks? Can someone shine a flashlight into one umpire’s ear and check for light coming out the other side? I have to know: are umpires actually sacks of potatoes or sentient beings with real thoughts? How do you start the game for two batters and waste Stroman’s turn in the rotation? How, you giant bleeping bleepholes?!