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“Count’s 2-1, and Jack Flaherty is leaning in…and, would you look at that, that is interesting…Willson Contreras is calling for an 88 MPH fastball down the middle.” I kid! Jack Flaherty (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.24) looked great! After the first inning. Was a bit wonky at the start. At one point, he went from a 75 MPH curve to a 95 MPH elevated fastball to a 84.5 MPH slider to a 79.5 MPH knuckle curve on four straight batters, all resulting in strikeouts. All he needed for motivation was to prove his own catcher sucked. “But how,” Jack Flaherty wondered in his most sincere of voices, “Could a pitcher look good while making his catcher look bad?” Flaherty still desperately needs command from pitch 1 to 100 while going 95 on the fastball, but last night was a step in the right direction. Speaking of directions, the Cards all sucked together, and now they’re all fantastic together. The Cards’ way, I suppose. Nolan Arenado (2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 4th homer in four games) is going off, and I had a reason to Sell Low written down that was so eloquent. It’s right over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado! Also, in this game, Andrew Knizner (1-for-1, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. This homer was vs. a position player, but there ain’t no asterisks in my fantasy league. Next, Tommy Edman (4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer, as he heard the footsteps of people going to waivers to drop him. Finally, Nolan Gorman (3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs) hit his 10th homer, as the house of Cards begins to rise again. Hopefully, Oli Marmol isn’t inspired to give one of his motivational speeches again like, “Tyler O’Neill and Willson Contreras, you guys suck and can’t field your positions or run and I hate all of you.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.11. …says here you can’t have any good pitcher in 2023. I’ll show you where on this document as soon as I find it. *opens long parchment scroll* Was a part of the new MLB rules.

Darin Ruf – Signed a one-year deal with the Brewers. With Luke Voit going to the IL, the Brewers signed the Player Most Likely to Remind Someone of Luke Voit.

Cody Bradford – 5 IP, 6 ER, as he was called up from Round Rock. No relation to Chris, Chubb or The. Bradford had himself one heckuva time in Triple-A, if you only look at ERA, posting a 0.91 ERA in 39 2/3 IP. His stuff tells the story of a 15-year-old who goes undercover as a CIA agent–Realizing now that’s Cody Banks. That is an embarrassing mistake. Cody Bradford looks worse than a streamer in mixed leagues.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato. Today, I say, “Yup.”

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Ozuna’s been on a heater for about two-plus weeks now, while still managing to hit .172, which feels impossible.

Orlando Arcia – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .333, and how long until he’s hitting above Michael Harris II (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .219) in the lineup? End of this week?

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .344. Tildaddy tells you you were adopted!

Austin Riley – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .245. That was so overdue when it officially was scored on my fantasy team, my computer exhaled.

Charlie Morton – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Put that with my Framber, Grayson and Manoah starts, and 1 out of 4 ain’t bad he sang at Meatloaf’s grave, while he heard turning in the soil. “Can you hear me, Meatloaf?” He asked to the sky, and Sky was the school cafeteria chef.

Pete Fairbanks – Activated from the IL. Since he had forearm inflammation, I would wait to see him get a save or two before abandoning Jason Adam.

TJ Friedl – Hit the IL. So, isn’t it, FrieIL?

Matt McLain – 1-for-4, 2 runs as he hit 2nd. Give me McLain, Christian Encarnacion-Strand and Elly De La Cruz, and bury me next to Marge Schott and her Saint Bernard, Adolf.

C.J. Cron – Hit the IL with back spasms. Rockies are saying he’ll be shut down for a few weeks to put the issue behind him, but isn’t that where the issue already is?

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he fills in for Cron. Mostsuckass!

Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .250. Don’t want to get greedy because I’m happy Bud Black is even playing Doyle, but how does Doyle not make more sense as the leadoff or even two-hole hitter than McMahon or Blackmon?

Christopher Morel – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. DFA Hosmer and Mancini now! Don’t even wait until Hoerner returns! To make us feel better! Instill in us confidence!

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .212. The ball is juiced this year. Yet Bregman? Still hitting like a middle infielder in 1983. Call him Bregmanny Trillo.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Back on a 25-homer pace with a .300+ average. If Bregman were doing this, everyone would be so happy, telling everyone about it. Call him Bragman.

Geraldo Perdomo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! Nerds spell his name Geraldo/domo.

Cal Raleigh – 3-for-5, 3runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .228. He homered from both sides of the plate, the first catcher to do so in Fenway. That’s cool, but it was especially nice of him to give both sides of the park a view of his home run stroke since it’s an obstructed view when he has his back to you.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .226. Every hitter can get started by facing the Red Sox pitching, i.e., very hittable force meets very ‘can’t hit’ object and very ‘can’t hit’ object wins.

George Kirby – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (1 walk), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Now has allowed four walks this year in 51 1/3 IP. Thankfully, because his strikeouts have *makes poof sound* Keyzer Soze’d.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. Jays’ announcers suggested Judge was cheating last night because he looked away for a split second prior to a pitch. I’m sure his reason for success is cheating, and not at all Alek Manoah, the walking turd emoji, and MTV VJ Jay Jackson, the Jays’ reliever.

Willie Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not sure what’s sadder. That he’s the Yanks’ DH or that Manoah allowed a homer to him.

Michael King – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.38, and his 3rd save. He seems to be favored for the 9th. And also the 8th. And the 7th. And sometimes the 7th, 8th and 9th in the same game.

Alek Manoah – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 hits, 7 walks, 3Ks, ERA at 5.40. He’s got the swagger of weeble wobble that’s been recalled because it keeps falling down. Hey, Manoah, there’s been a company-wide recall, you turd that won’t flush!

Michael Conforto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games, fourth homer in six games, 8th homer in, oh, I don’t know, count their win-loss record. Hot schmotato alert!

Alec Bohm – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Ah, I remember this guy, the guy everyone thought was breaking out because he had a good first ten days of the season.

Max Muncy – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Finally! Was beginning to look like Rick Moranis had more hits in him post-Parenthood.

Will Smith – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Will Smith is one catcher who could win a batting title.

Trevor Larnach – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games, and I wish I picked him back up in the leagues where I dropped him.

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (4) and legs (1). Pretty sure it’s not, but it feels like his first good game since 2021.

Pablo Lopez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.00. I’m pretty sure a four-even ERA is considered good still.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.06, and didn’t allow a hit until the 8th. Wacha got robbed of having the lede. Wacha’s peripherals also look a bit better than Flaherty’s. I’d be lying if I said I was just starting him anywhere, and the Streamonator liked last night’s start, and doesn’t love his next one.

Tommy Pham – 0-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .191. Thomas Phamily should slap the crap out of Buck Showalter for playing him, Mark Canha (1-for-4) and Eduardo Escobar (2-for-4). How is that a $450 million team? The Mets find new and interesting ways to be a sloppy mess no matter what.

David Peterson – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.08. How long until the Mets reveal something like, “Oh, bee tee dubya, Peterson has had a busted elbow for the last three months?”

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.65. Nats should extend him another five years.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and a slam (4) and legs (5), hitting .258. He’s a 10/40 guy who looks like a 20/20 guy. It makes no sense. Though, he also appears to just be a Mets killer, like cocaine in the 80s, and, without games against the Mets, Abrams might not hit another homer.

Joey Meneses – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .300. Hitting for no power this year, but Meneses is good average hitter. Period.

Grayson Rodriguez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.57. Started both Grayson and Shohei in one league and was hoping for a pitchers’ duel, but you can’t be mad when your guys give up homers to hitting stars like Chad Wallach and Adam Frazier. That’s just part of the game! Good ol’ Chad Wallach, otherwise known as “the guy with what you think is your dentist’s name.”

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Started Ohtani and Grayson and you want me to find something uplifting to say for Santander? Let Grayson throw it, next thing you know it’ll be up…lifting!

Adam Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. What would you have thought in March if you heard that Adam Frazier had four times as many homers as Jose Abreu as of May 15th? That Adam Frazier became the first hitter-slash-official scorer and was a lousy cheater that was being reported in The Athletic as Adamgate?

Anthony Rendon – Hit the IL with a groin strain. Sounds like a small issue. *giggles*

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23, and 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .303, and a double shy of the cycle. Was a great week to start him as a pitcher! Absolutely perfect! Couldn’t have drawn it better myself if I cut off my ear and called myself Vincent Van Gogh! Now I have all week to watch him hit well while he’s in my pitching slot. I’m like the surfers in 100 Foot Wave, but instead of waves made of water, I’m surfing waves made of pain.