The baseball world got some disappointing news Friday night when San Diego Padres shortstop slash motorcycle rider slash drug user slash all around cool guy Fernando Tatis Jr. was handed a 80 game suspension by Major League Baseball after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. WTF FTJ, PEDs!? SMH. I can think of some other acronyms to use but they’re not exactly SFW. IYKYK. You can read FTJ’s statement, explanation and apology here, where he explains how he “accidentally” took medicine he didn’t know had steroids in it. Ahh yes, the old ringworm excuse, heard it a thousand times. So Tatis takes the same medicine as my dog except his had the anabolic steroid Closetebol in it, and not the non-anabolic Clobetasol, used to treat skin conditions. So sounds like just a big auto-correct mistake and we can totally see how he may have gotten confused and accidentally ingested a drug that contains a banned substance that it normally never contains. So what’s this mean for Tatis, besides that he continues to make terrible decisions that disappoint not just his team and its owners but baseball fans everywhere? Well, FTJ will start his suspension immediately so depending on how many games the Padres play in October means he’ll return in May 2023 at the earliest. Luckily for the ‘Dres, they have a pretty good squad without him, but its no doubt a devastating blow for a fans waiting on their dream team. Fantasy-wise, he’s probably still a first rounder in 2023, but IRL-wise he’s done some irreparable damage to his reputation as the guy who many viewed as a future face of the MLB. Nothing an MVP-caliber season can’t fix! Regardless it looks like this ringworm is the only ring Tatis will get a chance to experience this year.

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Judge – 1-for-2, 2 runs, HR (46), SB (12), and his 100th RBI. A 430 footer!  Judge is now slashing .305/.400/.688. Only Barry Bonds in 2001 had more homers through 113 games, and he hit 70+ that year. Judge has 12 more bombs than the next closest guy (Kyle Schwarber) and the 12 homer lead at this time in August is the largest since Babe Ruth. OK yeah, this guy definitely has ringworm.

Clay Holmes – 0.1 IP, 1 hits, ER, 2 BB. Clay struggled to throw strikes and it looked a lot worse than the line looks, which doesn’t look great. This could have been the outing that gets Aroldis Chapman (a perfect 1.0 IP, 2 K) his chance to close again. If for some reason Chapman is chillin on waivers in your league now’s the time to add him.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6.0 IP, 8 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 3 K. He’s been mostly shaky since return from injury after the break but he pitched well against the Astros and Yankees. He gets a chance to add some zeros to his offseason contract against the Pirates next week.

Domingo German – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 4 K. So this is why the Yanks thought they could trade JoMo? TBH, he’s been mostly fine since returning to the rotation if not a little boring. Maybe next start you could try telling a joke or do a Tiktok dance or something? You know, liven it up a bit! This is NYC City!

Garrett Whitlock – 2.0 IP, BB, 3 K, 3rd win. Alex Cora made a very uncharacteristic managerial decision to bring in his best reliever with the Sawx down in the 8th and it paid off for him big. I don’t know why more managers don’t do this.

Tommy Pham  – 1-for-5, RBI. Hit the game winning RBI in the 10th–we call that the Wham Bam Thank You Pham! I’ll be honest, when his teammates gave him the Gatorade bath I was briefly concerned he was going to slap one of them.

Michael Kopech – 6.0 IP, 0 hits, 3 BB, 11 K. Was pulled with a no-hitter going after 85 pitches, but it was also Detroit. He lowered his ratios to 3.18 ERA and 1.18 WHIP with the hitless outing and looked totally dominant throughout. He had a 45% Called Strike Plus Whiff (CSW) rate which nerds tell me is unreal. And he managed 17 swinging strikes on his heater, resulting in the 11 Ks. Reynaldo Lopez gave up a hit as soon as Kopech was pulled but still, how are the White Sox so bad again? I just don’t understand they should be good, it can’t all be La Russa and Giolito’s fault.

Luis Robert – 2-for-4 as he left the game after spraining his left wrist. X-rays were negative but I think I just answered my question above.

Ranger Suarez – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, 2 BB, 4 K. Just when I think I’m out, you puuuulllllll me back in. Ranger Danger has been solid post all star break, allowing one earned run or less in four of five outings. Shutting down the Mets in Queens like dat tho?? Maybe the Phils aren’t out of this thing yet?

Max Scherzer – 7.0 IP, 9 hits, ER, 0 BB, 6 K. His name is Max. His world is blood and fire. He went six scoreless before allowing an RBI single, and the 9 hits may be a bit uncharacteristic but he hasn’t allowed more than 2 ER in a start since May so methinks he’s gonna be fine. And that’s my safest prediction ever.

David Robertson – 1.0 IP, K, SV (16). His ratios are down to 2.03 ERA and 0.99 WHIP and DRob has brought stability to a bullpen that was a total mess before he got there. Now if he could only come to my house he can stabilize the mess that is my life.

Bryson Stott – 3-for-4, 2 runs, SB (5) as he led. Bryson Stott Dechambeau and his .219 average becomes instantly intriguing if he’s going to continue to lead off. He’s hit safely in the his past five games with multiple hits in four of them. He’s even stealing! Yeah sure I’d grab him, even if him leading off is only temporary while Schwarber nurses an injury. Hopefully he sticks!

Cedric Mullins – 3-for-6, HR (10), 2 RBI. Someone is a hot little crab cake with a sprinkle of Old Bay and an ice cold Natty Bo! He’s hitting .314 over the past two weeks with 7 runs, 2 homers, 8 RBI and 3 steals! This is vintage 2021 Ceddy. Vintage! Carry them O’s!

Jorge Mateo – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. Grey told you to BUY! Like so many times, for so many months. He upped his average 12 points with the 5-hit game, so its a little more palatable. Are you ready to add him now?

Corey Kluber  – 5.2 IP, 10 hits, 7 ER, BB, 4 K. Kluber’d!

Austin Voth – 5.1 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, BB, 5 K, 3rd win. I still can’t name an Orioles starter despite them continuing to win and prove everyone wrong. In fact, the O’s are calling up rookie DL Hall to start Saturday and if you told me he’d been starting all year I would have believed you.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-3, HR (22), 4 RBI slashing .285/.355/.551. Maybe the reason I think JoRam is underrated is because I don’t own him anywhere and I don’t appreciate the way his owners don’t fully appreciate him the way I would.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-5, HR (15), 2 RBI. Naylor!? But we just met and I think there might actually be something special here. I don’t want to rush it. I think I really like this girl.

Cal Quantrill – 7.0 IP, 1 hit, 7 K, 9th win. OK, Guardians (dumbest team name ever) we see you! Cal’s now pitched 13 scoreless innings over his past two starts, allowing just five base runners and striking out 11. ELEVEN! More impressive is he’s done it against the Astros and Blue Jays. He’s lowered his ERA more than half a run over the past two starts and gets the sad sack Tigers next week. Run it back, CQ!

Jose Berrios – 4.0 IP, 8 hits, 8 ER, 2 BB, K, 5th loss, ERA at 5.61. Sigh. I can’t even. I hate so much the things that you choose to be.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, HR (22). Is it me or did Olson seem hotter than he actually had been? After 7 bombs in July he’s got just the one in August. I should have never traded Freddie Freeman for you.

Michael Harris II – 2-for-3, HR (11). A absolute missile. I am stan-ing so hard for MH2 you guys. Forget the pictures in my locker and the “The Harris IIs” in cursive plaque above my mantle, the guy is an bondafide stud. Last week I said Strider is likely ROY but I have 180’d after seeing this kid live. Also, there are very few outfielders who have been as consistent as MH2. He’s hit safely in every game in August except one. The guy just does not slump, he’s a fantasy head to head stalwart. He could go 25-25 in 2023, and yes I’m going to own him everywhere.

Jordan Montgomery – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 BB, 8 K, 5th win. I will never understand why the Yankees traded JoMo but as an owner he could not have landed in a better spot. The wins may have taken a hit but everything else is Aces.

Ryan Helsley – 2.0 IP, 2 hits, 3 K, SV (12). The new Clay Holmes v2.0. This one doesn’t break down in the second half. His ratios are video game numbers: 0.76 ERA, 0.65 WHIP, and 70 Ks in 47.2 IP. If that doesn’t deserve the sweetest of sassy molassys I don’t know what does anymore.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, HR (28). Nolan Arenado hit his 25th. “Why don’t we talk about this Cards line up more?” I say to my friends who never talk about or care about baseball at all. And by friends I mean, my WoW Guild, they are all on my friends list so technically they are my friends by definition. Both Paul and Nolan are hitting over .300, with 25+ homers and 70+ RBIs. Both in the MVP conversation. This is not a team I’d want to see in the first round of the playoffs.

Brian Serven  1-for-3, HR (5). Serven up dingers! No matter where I am in my life, in my journey, in my head, I always end up owning the Rockies catcher at one point in the season.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, HR (17), 2 RBI. Oh! Except that one time I owned Sal Perez and won it all! Maybe get injured or something so I have a chance to own you again?

Daniel Lynch – 5.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 4 BB, 3 K against the Dodgers. OK, Leo Dicaprio meme, now you have my attention. He’s got a 2.20 ERA in August and gets the Twinkies next week. I could see it!

Tony Gonsolin – 6.2 IP, 2 hits, ER, 3 BB, 3 K, 14th win. Had a no-hitter going into the 7th but Vinnie Pasquantino was all like, ayyy, fuggedaboutit, paisan! Just like that. Pretty sure Dave Roberts would have pulled him at 85 pitches regardless.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, Grand Slam HR (19). With an jumbo tank. He’s now 7-for-16 with two dongs and 7 RBI in four games since returning from diarrhea. I don’t know that he actually had diarrhea but whatever he had must have been too embarrassing to disclose. Whatever it was I hope all my players get it, as long as it isn’t ringworm.

George Kirby – 5.2 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, BB, 5 K, 4th win. You suck for a bit, you get sent down, you fix the thing, you come back up and dominate. All fixed! This is how it’s supposed to work. Why can’t you see that, Jarred Kelenic?

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBI. Juul-Rod vaping! It’s funny how it’s not just the Mariners counting on a 21-year old to carry them to the post season. I am in this same boat. Carry us, Julio! Thankgodyourback Imissedyoumuch!

Mitch Haniger – 3-for-5, run. Has hit safely in every game since returning from injury. Ms’ are getting hot at just the right time, bb! Lost my precious bestie Kyle Lewis but this helps ease the sting a bit!

Jonathan Hernandez – 1.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, K. He was a BUY and I think he’s still the closer in Tejas? “Let’s make him the closer, then bring him into non-save situations just to mess with his head!” — Rangers brass, probably

Tyler Mahle – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, 6th win. His best start in almost two months! Yeah, the Angels be good like that.

Patrick Sandoval – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 4 K, 8th L. I was really high on Sandoval preseason, but he’s def in streamer territory this year and chasing wins with Angels starters is like treating ringworm with anabolic steroids. Seems smart in theory, but you’re gonna get burned in the end.

Carlos Rodon – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 7 K, 11th win ratios at 2.95 ERA, 1.06 WHIP. I swear that was the last ringworm joke.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, HR (12). Three bombs in the past week! At least one Jr. Jr is reliably boring. Ahh, relaxingly mediocre. Keep it coming, Mike!

Erik Swanson – 1.0 IP, 2 K. So despite no defined closer the M’s have one of the best bullpens in baseball. Seattle wants to call the group “The Night Shift.” Not terrible but here me out–The Sliders of the Storm. Cause it be rainy in C-Attle and they throw lotsa sliders? *dodges tomato* No?

David Fletcher – 2-for-3 as he led off and Luis Rengifo was 2-for-4. Grey told you to BUY both these schmohawks. Here’s two Angels bats who are hitting in the heart of the order who you will probably never pick up no matter how many times we tell you. But at least we have it on record now as saying we told you!

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, HR (14), 3 RBI. 440 footer! He was a BUY. So clearly bad news lights a fire under this team. Any players got some grand parents on death’s door, perhaps? Mandy Moore was snubbed for an Emmy! Best call another team meeting! Get mad, Padres!

Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-5, SB (8). Introducing once again, the Padres starting shortstop by default from now until FTJ stops doing stupid things. Get used to seeing him, cause he’s not going away any time soon.

Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, HR (23), 2 RBI. Honestly, Tatis who!? Juan Soto who!? Was BD the steal of the deadline? The Rural Juror has 12 RBI and 3 bombs with his new team in just 9 games! Best part is, he HATES motorcycles. Absolutely scared to death of them. Won’t go near the things.

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!