ESPN’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Rankings With No Vaseline

Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode.  Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi.  Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x).  I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over.  If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline (NSFW, unless you work in Ice Cube’s production office):

[Verse 1: Grey Albright]

ESPN, I’m glad y’all dropped those rankings,
Now in my leagues vs. you I can hand out spankings.
You thought you were cool wit’ the Correas and Rizzos,
Now you figured out Jo-Ram a year late like straight Bozos,
Filmin’ those videos in Bristol,
Above your head with Whit Merrfield is a toe of mistle,
If the Rockies signed him, you’d be in on CarGo,
Now I’m makin’ all the dough.
ESPN’s Top 300?  Who ya foolin’?
Seein’ ya rank Severino in the top 40 is gruelin’.
You deserve all this flak,
In your top 50 is The Greek God of Hard Contact.
Your top RP is Kenley?
When you were supposed to learn your lesson you were at Friendly’s.
Most action ya get is from a nurse’s, “Cough,”
Lookin’ like a superstar from Krofft.
Just one life-sized biscuit.
What’s your name again, Triscuit?
Cause you’re gettin’ done by a white boy,
With no Vaseline, who occasionally says, “Oy.”

There’s so many straight whothunkits in ESPN’s rankings, I don’t even know where to begin.  Is it at all surprising Jose Ramirez is ranked 3rd this year for them?  Last year, I told anyone who would listen to draft him.  This year, they’re saying that.  It’s like they have Jose Canseco’s time machine.  Yo, you guys sure you have it set for 2019?  Is it shocking they have J.D. Martinez 4th this year?  Last year, I told you to draft Just Dong at 15th overall when they had him at 31st overall.  What changed?  Oh, yeah, he had a good season.  Now I know why they charge for the ESPN Hindsighter, that shizz is 20/20.  Or maybe it’s 20/40 like what they must be expecting from Whit Merrifield who they have ranked 32nd overall and above Blake Snell — apples/oranges, sure, but, I mean, can you imagine drafting Whit Merrifield before Blake Snell?  Seriously, can you? — Whit Merrifield is before Andrew Benintendi?  I will now cackle like a hyena for 15 minutes.  Whit Merrifield before Cody Bellinger, Rhys Hoskins and Bogaerts?  I got one long word for you:  Duuuuuuuuuuuuuumb.  Their top reliever is Kenley Jansen.  Did Big Pharma take over ESPN and heart surgeries is a category in their leagues?  They have Adalberto Mondesi ranked after the top 100, saying Aaron Hicks is more valuable.  They are so crumby with crackers in their head a Roomba sees them and is like, “Nah, you don’t pay me enough.”

[Verse 2: Grey Albright]

Cut my stache? Naw, cut Votto, all he does is take balls,
And I heard you like to give up the drawers,
For every Phillie player and their manager, fella.
Trevor Bauer is the new Bob Feller.
I see you giving up the dollar bills,
With your auction values for Phils.
So don’t believe what Klara Bell says, cuz,
He’s going out in the 8th with Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez.
I hear Samardzija got a WHIP for ya, homey,
Go ahead and act like you don’t know me,
What size is that cardigan? It ain’t a man’s,
You should hit up Dapper Dan’s,
Too bad you’re Mitch Green,
Go ahead with Tommy Pham and no vaseline.

Last year I told you to avoid Clayton Kershaw because they ranked him in the top 10 overall.  Yeah, well, no dur.  This year they’re only telling you to draft him in the top 30 overall.  Seriously, they’re giving me a migraine.  Also, before Blake Snell.  I mean, are they mentally off in the coconut?  Is this a jizzoke?  An elaborate prank?  What on this green earth that Al Gore cherishes so much is going on?  I’ll tell you straight up:

THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!  Yahoo’s got its problems, but they show their work.  Here’s how ESPN thinks:  Players that are known commodities they rank high.  They rank to avoid the least amount of waves.  Case in point, I told you to draft Acuña 67th overall last year, they told you 155th overall.  This year, they have Acuña ranked 18th overall.  Still, way too low, but as more people found out about Acuña, they moved him up.  Last year, they were too low on Aaron Nola and Trevor Bauer, as I told you.  This year, they’re slightly too high on them.  What changed?  The general public started hearing about them.  Last year, I told you to draft Charlie Morton 133 spots before ESPN, so what changed this year?  More people now know about him.  Are they worried about Morton’s injury?  Don’t worry, they don’t get in the weeds about that kind of stuff.  This year, they have Robles, Bader, Eloy and Travis Shaw insanely low.  Because these are not household names.  They have all of these guys after Robinson Cano.  Cano is ranked simply because people have heard of him.  Same with Votto, Altuve, Gleyber, Greinke, and more.  They rank players based on how well-known the players are in real life.  You really telling me Greinke and his 88 MPH fastball should be ranked above Strasburg, Paxton or Clevinger to name just three?  That is ludicrous!  *phone rings*  “Hello?  My Life Alert triggered an alarm because my blood pressure is at ‘life-threatening?’  Okay, but ESPN has Madison Bumgarner above German Marquez!  AHHH!!!”

[Verse 3: Grey Albright]

I never had dinner with the President!
I never had dinner with the President!
I never had dinner with the President!
Stop tryin’ to make Joey Votto relevant!

Recently, I saw this about Triscuit that made me throw my computer out the window (which is why I’m at an Internet Cafe):

Loved this statistical nugget from @SultanofStat on the ESPN Fantasy Focus podcast yesterday: “Joey Votto had a .647 AVG on his line drives put into play last year, which is 75 points below his career mark.” The bounce-back is coming…

— George Bissell (@GeorgeBissell) February 6, 2019

Historically, across all players, across all leagues, across all planets, former and current, even gee-dee Pluto, the average, uh, batting average on line drives is .670.  Joey Votto is turning 36 years old this year.  Is it not expected for him to possibly, I don’t know, slow down a bit?  Hmm, let’s see, his exit velocity last year was 88 MPH, good for 231st overall, tied with Jake Lamb and Jason Heyward.  Sweet!  So, Votto had 127 line drives last year, 82 went for hits to have a .647 average.  Therefore, if Votto were to hit the average on line drives of .670, that’s how many more hits vs. his .647 average?  Three!  Wow, amazing!  For Votto to have a .720 batting average on line drives last year as was his norm when he was younger, it would’ve meant nine extra hits!  Nine extra hits is not even worth mentioning, and should not be the basis for anyone to be excited about anyone.  This reminds me of the 70’s wanted posters in the Ted Bundy Tapes docu-series on Netflix.  On the wanted posters, they show Ted Bundy’s face and his fingerprints.  Sure, the fingerprints were accurate, but how were they helpful in any way to identifying Ted Bundy?  Not like you’re going up to people and saying, “Hey, can I see your fingerprints, I got a hunch about you.”  Same with mentioning batting average with line drives.  Sure, it’s accurate, but how is it helpful?  This is as good as any reason to be suspicious of ESPN; they’re throwing out stats like they mean something when they don’t.  George should change his name to the Stan of Sultan, and Triscuit is more like the Sultana of Stat since he’s raisin’ the roof for Joey freakin’ Votto.

Now on the less-Ice Cube tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!).  A small note, since I did this chart a few days ago, ESPN has already adjusted their rankings, so some of these might be a little off, but it goes to show you the influence I’m having on them.  They so shook, y’all!

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU