Our Commissioner Manfred presses his intercom, “Please escort in the Guatemalan baseball stitchers.” Manfred’s secretary brings six men dressed in blanket ponchos and straw hats. Their leader steps forward, “Mr. Manfred, the Capri Suns you have us using to juice the balls is not working.” Their leader pulls out a baseball that is dripping with Ecto Cooler. Manfred turns in his seat, silhouetted with the setting sun. He lights a Virginia Slim 120 and pulls, coughing slightly. “I no longer want the balls juiced. Now….I want you and your friends to go to Dodger Stadium and blow.” “Mr. Manfred, we are not sex workers!” “Not blow like that! Put your lips together and blow.” “Like Bogey and Bacall?” “Yes! Now go!” …And this was how Dodger Stadium became a launching pad. Yesterday, Corey Seager (4-for-5, 6 RBIs) hit three homers (10, 11, 12), Yasmani Grandal (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer and Cody Launchangler (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) did it again, hitting his 22nd. Granted, someone needs to put Cody Launchangler in carbonite for Cooperstown — we can’t risk something happening to him playing baseball! — but this Seager guy is pretty good too, huh? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Robert Gsellman – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Every Mets fan, “I forget if we’re rooting for our pitchers to be healthy or injured.”
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Solid start, not sensational. I do like Montgomery and would grab him for his next start, but I’m not sold on him long-term yet. His peripherals are surprisingly awful. Way too many walks, way too few Ks, but he should be in the rotation for a good month, and I’m excited to see what he can do. Hopefully something decent.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer and 17th RBI. JK (not Jason Kipnis), but if he stays at leadoff, it could come to that.
Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .218. Nothing against Happ, but why is Happ hitting cleanup? Addison Russell hit .235 for two years in a row and never saw above the seven hole. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I’d put some conspiracies out there, but, since I’m more grounded in reality, I’ll just say I’m too dumb to figure out what conspiracy is at work.
Yangervis Solarte – Strained his oblique and is headed to the DL. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, you don’t go getting yourself hurt when you’re a hot schmotato.
Austin Hedges – Sat out yesterday after getting splayed by Rizzo on a home plate collision on Monday. Rizzo won’t be disciplined for the collision because everyone likes the Cubs and most people can’t name one Padre.
Zack Cozart – Reds are optimistic that Cozart will be ready to be activated when first eligible on June 28th. Reds manager, Bryan Price, specifically said, “Expletive, expletive, expletive, Cozart, expletive.”
Homer Bailey – Could return over the weekend, or if any Brits are reading Old Bailey to hold court, but this Guy is so Fawkes’d. If Christian Bale fans are reading, Homer Bale-y will return, hitters heard yelling, “Get your bat, man!”
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .327. Sweet Jesus with the homers! Sorry, that’s confusing. I was talking about Jesus Sucre, who also homered yesterday. His third.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I held Cobb for the better part of yesterday, then dropped him just before game time, because I got gun-shy about the stream. Cold feet. I dialed the seven digits, but couldn’t say, “Yo, this Marquis, baby, are you down with it?”
Dallas Keuchel – Played catch on Monday. I wonder if he played with Freddie Freeman.
Lance McCullers – Will return on Saturday. Ah, my heart just skipped a beat. Now my heart is doing double dutch. My heart is like a young Missy Elliott.
Francis Martes – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.02. On yesterday’s podcast we talk way too much about a 5+ ERA pitcher in Martes.
George Springer – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer. Launchangler and Judge are going to the living room and kitchen, while Springer is sneaking into the bedroom where the jewels are.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.84. Trade market is heating up for Sonny Gray, according to Billy Beane’s fake rumors he’s planted in every news outlet.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .303. You know there’s a tad bit of offense when there was legit ten hitters who could’ve been featured in the lede.
Matt Davidson – 2-for-5, and his 16th homer, hitting .261. He now has something like seven homers in the last ten games, and he’s on pace for 30 homers, and he’s available everywhere. Hey, steroid era, eat a D!
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, , 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting…Guess. Go ahead. Actually, don’t. I’ll leave you with this. He leads the American League in batting average.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.97. Forget the Regression Fairies, it’s admirable that anyone would want to pitch in the major leagues with the way offense is. Five innings and six earned is great!
Aaron Sanchez – Will throw batting practice on Thursday as he rehabs from a blister that’s sidelined him about as long as a blister sidelines a professional baseball player — two months.
Francisco Liriano – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.76. *pats Liriano on butt* Get ’em next time, champ! *Keith Morrison of Dateline NBC enters* “What Liriano doesn’t know is the coach was patting him on the butt with a poisonous dart. Hi, I’m Keith Morrison from Dateline.”
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Mezuzah!
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Or four innings from Scooter Gennett.
Jon Gray – Will make one more rehab start in Al Albuquerque’s backyard, Albuquerque.
Zack Greinke – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.14. With offense like it is, that’s ace numbers! Well, for anyone who is not a Rockies starter (German Marquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.92).
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Au Shizz!
David Peralta – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .321, hitting near-.400 in the last week with three homers in the last eight games, and it was about nine games ago I dropped him. Dizzoh.
Eduardo Nunez – Will undergo an MRI on his hamstring. MRIs are so last year. We have a 10-day DL now, man. Just get DL’d and figure shizz out later.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.82 vs. Julio Teheran – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.76. This was a matchup billed as, “Not glutton-free,” because the only people that own these schmohawks are gluttons for punishment.
Austin Slater – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .340. Of course he is! As I said previously, Slater was not a prized prospect, but the Giants always make something out of nothing, like your wife.
Jean Segura – Will return on Thursday. Still waiting to hear the Mariners implemented my A Tribe Called Quest/All-Star voting campaign, “I marked my ballot for Jean Segura. I marked my ballot for Jean Segura. Gotta get him, gotta, gotta get him!”
Ben Gamel – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .351. If he’s doing all of this for his failed prospect brother, Mat, why does Mat grumble every time Ben gets a hit? Ben Gamel looks like a little bit of nothing type, but he’s obviously hot and was leading off yesterday.
Taylor Motter – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. He must’ve had that left over from his hot week in April.
Ariel Miranda – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Ariel Mermanda and his opponent, Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.25, have shown signs, and those signs are pointing towards the Stream-o-Nator.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. There were 978 homers hit yesterday, so singling Martinez out as Just Dong feels like it’s underselling things.
Zach Britton – Began a rehab stint in Low-A Aberdeen. Think you should prolly go with aberdeen if you’re Low-A, but you do you.
Chris Tillman – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 8.39. At a certain point, is anyone in the organization at all concerned Tillman might be hurting his confidence? I mean, as of right now, he could be coached by Jose Mesa while wearing an Omar Vizquel mask, and it would be more helpful to his career.
Manny Machado – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homers, hitting .227. Legit, have no idea what the problem is with Machado. No, I don’t mean, I don’t know why he’s not hitting well. I mean, I do not know why people think he has a problem. He’s struggling, clearly. He could also hit .320 for the next three months and would anyone be surprised? Not to answer, but to nod vacantly like you know what I mean when you don’t.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .289. Schoop, there it is! Which is what the CVS guy says when you ask him where is the toothpaste aisle.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Samesies as Machado, but Edwin’s a bit further along and now people are panicking there’s not enough time to sell him low.
Edinson Volquez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.19. For those keeping track, I benched Edinson for his no-hitter but have started him for all his mollywhoppings. I’m smart, y’all!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .330. OZUNA have career year. OZUNA also having craft beer. It’s a froth-headed stout with juniper overtones (ha, I so don’t know anything about beer).
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Put Gio’s current year stats in the Wayback Machine and they look like 75% of all starters. And by ‘wayback’ I mean three years ago. Now, Gio looks like a top ten starter. For what it’s Werth, his peripherals don’t look as pretty, but who gives AF? I’m not using AF correctly there, am I?
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I have illusions (delusions?) of Murphy still underperforming, but those illusions might be delusions (that’s what I said).
Matt Albers – 1 IP, 0 ER and the perfect ninth inning! Dot dot dot. In a game the Nats led by nine runs.
Michael Taylor – 1-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (6, 7), hitting .261, but hitting around .300 in the last week with two homers. I like Taylor, but he’s hitting eighth in an NL lineup, so the league needs to be relatively deep to get crazy excited for him.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .268. The Rise of the Zombino, starring Knee McClutchin. “Why does that after-dead guy keep grabbing his knee?” That’s a 12-year-old not understanding the plot of the movie.
Jeanmar Gomez – Designated for assignment. His assignment: learn a new sport.
Michael Saunders – Designated for assignment. His assignment: coach Jeanmar in all his new endeavors.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.61 vs. Mike Leake – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. This was a matchup of two guys that the Stream-o-Nator rarely likes and likes rarely. Wait, those are the same. Too clever by half, Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it)!
Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. As someone who owns this guy in a deep league, he’s only pretending to be good. A real flim-Pham artist!
Bud Norris – Hit the DL with knee inflammation, which will open up the closer job again for…Someone. Cam Bedrosian (1 IP, 0 ER) entered yesterday’s game in the 7th inning and it was a potential save situation. The Angels must be using a closer by committee where they have one closer on the DL. When Bedrosian was first on the DL, he was the ‘closer.’ Now Norris is the ‘closer’ while he’s injured, and they’re saying Huston Street could close games, and he’s, you guessed it, on the DL. The Sciosciapath is ghost riding the bullpen into the insane asylum. While everyone the Angels like as the closer are injured, David Hernandez was saved for the 9th inning in a close game, and has a 2.38 ERA, so he’s good as anyone. If you skimmed all of that, grab Hernandez, though you likely skimmed this line too.
Cameron Maybin – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Since he’s returned from the DL, he has eight steals and two homers in ten games. Everyone in the league should be like that lady in Katz’s when Sally faked an orgasm. “I’ll have what Maybin’s having.”
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Valbuena is the type to go on one of these insane hot streaks, so grab him now while the schmotato burns bright.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Ready for batting practice as he works his way back from a concussion. He said he feels great, then walked into a closet saying he had to use the bathroom.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Take that, Cody Launchangler!
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. It’s happening with Rizzo, it’s happening with Sanchez, it’s happened many times before. Any guesses what? A manager tries a new convoluted lineup, it works and then they stick with it. Sanchez started hitting after getting moved to the six hole and now he’s stuck there. We should have a glossary term for this, when managers change a lineup for the worse, it works and then they stick with it. Please suggest in the comments.
Jorge Bonifacio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. George Goodface is a solid AL-Only guy, but he’s gonna bore you to pieces in mixed leagues. You wanna get bored to pieces? You have a Humpty Dumpty complex?
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .277. Moistasskiss!
Pablo Sandoval – Hit the DL with the flu. Sandoval said, “But I don’t have the flu.”
Chris Sale – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.85. *closes storybook* …And that’s the story of the year in baseball when there was only one reliable pitcher. Now get some sleep, 9-year-old Fred Savage.