Bobby Pins The Twins

Hello, welcome to my Red Sox blog. We are the Nephews of Sam Horn. His “Sons” were taken by less bandwagony Red Sox fans that were cheering for them for a long time. I started this week, when I wrote a whole thing about Hunter Renfroe. Now ermahgerd it’s Bobby Dalbec‘s time in the spotlight. If you spell it Dlabec, it sounds like an Eastern European dictator with the same level of power. If I could do one of those C’s where there’s a hook on it, I so would. I have a soupçon of an idea what that C’s called. Wait a seçond! Autoçorrect did it–Hold on, now it’s too muçh. Okay, çut it out! So, yesterday, Bobby Dalbec (3-for-4, 3 runs, 7 RBIs) hit his 15th and 16th homers, and, boy, the ball is flying out in Boston recently. This is Dalbec’s 2nd two-homer game of August, and, well, not much else. Dalbec won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available and you need power, I could see it. This guy gets it done; I’m gonna call him, Bobby Do’er. Hey, that’s not confusing with any Red Sox greats, right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (30) and legs (4), hitting .276. Devers, you sly dog, I’m falling in love you, baby doll. “What’s up, bro?” Doll! Doll! Get out of here, David Dahl! Devers joins Ted Williams (3) and Nomar Garciaparra (2) as the only Red Sox players to have multiple 30-homer seasons through their age-24 seasons. Devers is rated, and still underrated!

Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Pounds glove, leans in to see the catcher’s signs, “There’s a Sale…on Chrisses!” Sorry, I was practicing my Chris Sale impersonation.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.88. *listens to the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said* Are you done? = *watches the most horrific start from my pitcher* Ryu done?

Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer. Every time he pulls his bat out, Semien is about to bust.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.43, as he was activated from the IL. He said about his injury, “It feels better,” when asked to elaborate on what “it” is, he said, “What was the injury the White Sox said I had?”

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer. I had flashback to a simpler time, when I drafted Cesar Hernandez in the same league where Donkey Teeth drafted Maikel Franco and I was giving him crap back in March. Enjoy this, March DM:

Jose Abreu – 1-for-5 and his 27th homer, hitting .257. Meh, you know him, so live with me for a second. In that league where I have Cesar Hernandez, I have 25 homers more than the 2nd place team. My team has Vlad Jr. Olson, Cesar, Treat Urner and Devers. And that’s just my infield! And I dropped Leody for Adolis! And I traded Ketel Marte away to Donkey! Maybe so he could replace Maikel’s amazing production after he was DFA’d.

Eloy Jimenez -1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .288. Also, in this game, Luis Robert (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and his 4th homer. Is this the What If…? animated series on Disney+?

Rhys Hoskins – Will undergo surgery on his lower abdomen, and his season is over. First we lose Della Reese, now Rhys Hoskins. *pats forehead with a handkerchief* It’s a struggle, y’all.

Zach Eflin – Was activated from the IL, but not so fast, his knee is still bothering him. This is what happens when you take a knee everywhere you go.

Carson Kelly – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now so if you have to, have at it.

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.51 vs. Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.80, as he returned from the IL. Darvish’s been a mess for a minute, and Max is as solid as they come, but on a real baseball question: Are the Padres going to miss the playoffs? Gotta be one of the biggest underperformers this year. Is anyone talking about that? I mean, besides me just now.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Don’t know if he will or not, but he could absolutely hit 15 homers in September, end the year with 38 homers and go into next year like, “Yeah, he always hits 35+ homers,” and it’ll be like, “Yo, does no one else remember everyone was drafting off of Donkey’s 2021 fantasy football rankings by the time Giancarlo came around?”

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. Gallo, on the other hand, will get 40 homers, and sit out the last day so he doesn’t end the year hitting less than .200.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Ya know what’s gonna happen, right? Ya know, right? We’re gonna be out on him in 2022 and he’s gonna hit 50 homers and .260. I’m mad at him already!

Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 30th homer, which ties his career high. He can call his mom to tell her the good news and get called, “Corey?”

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.33. I can’t say Yusei without hearing Lisa Loeb in my head and getting aroused–WHAT?! She looks good still! I’m sorry.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 35th homer, a grand slam. Imagine you would’ve drafted Sal P. this year. *wavy lines* Hey, it’s back in March! Oh, it’s my turn to draft in the 12th round. Hmm, Sal Perez or Leody Taveras? Well, I could really use an outfielder and speed…*wavy lines* Ugh, I made the same mistake again!

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-2 and his 41st homer, hitting .269. Two sixty-nine. Rawr! Stop it! I’m blushing!

Mike Trout – No date has been set for his rehab assignment, because you can’t rehab an injury that doesn’t exist. Put that in your brain stem and push it up into the medulla.

Keegan Akin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.26. Orioles stopped a 19-game losing streak, and won two games in a row vs. the Angels. Farte Moreno should bring back The Sciosciapath. At least then the Angels were fun to root against. Now they’re just sad.

Miles Mikolas – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.70. Streamonator hates his next one and yesterday instilled a big, fat zero bit of confidence in him.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. This feather is from the 7-foot Australian bird that inspired Jim Henson. It’s a family heirloom, which makes it odd I’m going to carelessly put it by this open window–NOOO!!! Torenado!

Edmundo Sosa – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Since the Cards have a Sosa, shouldn’t the Cubs have a McGwire? Emoji of a hand on chin, thinking, and sipping a glass labeled, “Smart Juice.”

Mitch Keller – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.75. Can’t wait to grab him the day the Pirates trade him away for a Mike Minor-type.

Colin Moran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .286. As someone who very sadly rosters this schmohawk in NL-Only leagues, I absolutely can attest to him doing a whole lot of nothing previously.

Michael Chavis – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Unlike Moran, I remember just a couple days ago talking about Chavis, so he must’ve homered. That’s called a hot schmotato in Razz parlance.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games, and second time in two days I’ve said I shouldn’t have doubted him multiple times this year.

Alex Wood – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Streamonator was pretty iffy on this start, but loves his next one and it looks like a no-brainer. My speciality!

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .262. Albombso! Ya know, if he gets 35 homers and hits .260, it’s gonna be hard for the haters to come out and be like, “Grey, handsome face, but Alonso hits for a bad average.”

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.94. All right, I’m back in! Don’t have to pitch great twice for me to get back in when a guy could be a top 20 starter for a month, and he gets the Marlins next. Sign me up!

Myles Straw – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. You think he’s ever like, “Please, my father is Mr. Straw, call me hay.”

Bradley Zimmer – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (11). If you pick him up, you can say in a very deep Italian accent, “I like-a Bra-Zi.”

Owen Miller – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .175. Cleveland’s got Bradley Zimmer, Owen Miller, Myles Straw..Is this a sports team or freshmen rushing a frat?

Tejay Antone – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Ya mean in June when he had a forearm strain he couldn’t rehab it? Really? Gosh, who could’ve seen that coming? A true wizard of future-seeing that’s who.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Just about all his starts all year have been bleh, but this one makes up for all of them. I’m 100% kidding. This doesn’t make up for shizz! Yo, Gray ain’t shizz, and tell him I said so! But spell it out so people don’t think you’re talking about me.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .320. The Greek God of Hard Contact is now playing for a contract, saying, “These shawarmas ain’t gonna rotate themselves.”

Jonathan India – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .275. India calls his bat, “Ballywood.”

Luis Urias – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. There’s a Urias in this afternoon’s Buy column, but it’s not this one. Please don’t drop your pants and ask, “Is it this Urias?” Please don’t. Okay, you’re cancelled now.

Miguel Rojas – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .272. Rojas is gonna hit, whether you’re reddy or not. Pun points!

Jorge Alfaro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .243. Saw he only had four homers and I was like, “Whoa, did he miss a lot of time this year?” And that’s a big nope. He played, just not well.

Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and the hardest hit homer of his career, clearing the fence at 114.1 MPH. Heaven have mercy on MLB pitchers if Sexy Dr. Pepper ever elevates his swing.

Patrick Corbin – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.09. Could be worse, you could’ve gave Corbin $140 million over six years and have to pay him through 2024, when he’s due $35 million. Again for the back of the room, he’s due thirty-five million in 2024! My lord. I’d sell the team, then buy another team just to get rid of that salary obligation. Did they think because he was going to be 35 years old in 2024 that they had to give him 35 million? Someone make this make sense.