“My wrist, well, guys and gals, chicks and *icks, you’re not gonna believe this, but, it’s 100%. My wrist is healed. It’s the best it’s ever felt. My wrist feels like Elton John during his imperial phase. My wrist is playing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting, and people aren’t hearing crap, but they’re hearing a masterpiece. My wrist is Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, doing all kinds of crazy judo chops in the supermarket aisle, and people are believing it, and are riveted. My wrist is Ty Cobb without the racism. My wrist is perfect!” This was a quote from Alex Kirilloff this year, and last year, and the year before. He was called up by the Twins, and played 1st yesterday (1-for-2). Kirilloff has been struggling with wrist issues since 2021. Almost exactly two years ago, he tore ligaments in his wrist. Those are the worst kind of after-dinner mints. Why do we care? If he’s healthy, he’s a 40-homer hitter with a .280 average. Sadly, we don’t know if we’re ever getting the purported strong-wristed Elton John or a limp-wristed Kirilloff. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Logan Allen – 5 2.3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, ERA at 2.70. Why can’t I have a rookie pitcher who isn’t an abomination?
Cal Quantrill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. His K/9 and BB/9 are 4.8 and 2.8, respectively. Or disrespectively, that’s awful!
Adbert Alzolay – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.41, as he got his 1st save on Saturday, and got that save chance even with a lefty due up, which is definitely noteworthy. Though, David Ross seems like he’s just trying stuff, as yesterday’s three innings from Alzolay shows, so I’m not sure who gets the next save. In deeper leagues, Alzolay is worth a spec add, but it could also be Mark Leiter Jr., and Boxberger. Maybe it’s a combo Adark Aleiberger, which sounds like how one orders a loco moco.
Hayden Wesneski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Was more aided by winds blowing in than Pi on that raft.
Sandy Alcantara – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Gotta love when a manager leaves a starter in too long to avoid bringing in their struggling closer, only to let the starter give up the lead, then bring in the struggling closer anyway.
Ian Hamilton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.42, as he got his first save on Saturday. Wait a minute, Saturday was supposed to be King’s coronation. Oh, he went 1 2/3 IP the night before. Camilla, let the man sleep! One thing is clear, Holmes was working the 8th inning Saturday and 7th inning yesterday, and is in no way in the Yankees’ closer picture. I think King is still the preferred closer, and Hamilton was just wasting his shot to put heat on a King.
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.09. Hey, no pressure, or he’d be a diamond, but I’ve been saying sell him.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. HR to the Izzo!
Harrison Bader – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Trop was playing very hitter-friendly yesterday. The fans blowing out that the Rays put on when they’re up to bat must’ve been left on because their fans prefer the Yanks.
Christian Bethancourt – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and 6th homer. Finally, a two-way player.
Drew Rasmussen – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11. If you ever meet anyone named Drew, please ask them, “Like as in a doodle?”
Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.59. Hope no one was hurt when Oviedo came crashing back to earth.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .291. That was a no doubt homer. Meaning, he hit it, while singing I’m Just A Girl…
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .290. People thought I was a silly goose head ranking Sal P. 1st for catchers in the preseason, and now people are saying what the duck. What’s that, you wanna call a fowl? Why? Chicken?
Mason Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not to take anything away from him, because he’s a rookie and I’d give my left pinkie toe to have his line be Grayson Rodriguez’s, but you watch Mason Miller pitch and it’s shocking the results aren’t better.
Max Fried – Might not make his next start because he’s “working through things,” according to his Mom.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. In a corresponding move, Vaughn Grissom was sent down. Not sure whose daughter he slept with, but it was the wrong person’s and call Grissom Snoopy, because he lives in the dog house. Feels like Grissom is going to be traded in July.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Allahson, your aim is true (into the bleachers).
Bryce Elder – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.74. I know he’s this year’s Braves Starter Out of Nowhere, but he’s far exceeding expectations, Streamonator hates his next one, and I dropped a sub-2 ERA pitcher in my RCL.
Tyler Wells – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.15. His K/9 is under 7. *sighs* Well, Well, Wells…
James Outman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .274. Ah, a throwback name! From way back in April! Outman, the throwback, just call him the Outback, and watch that onion bloom.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .254. Mookie Best!
Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! If Torkelson had an Only Fans, he’d go by Twerkin’ Son.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and a triple slam (5, 6, 7) and legs (4). Au Shizz x 3 + 1! Au Shizz is like, “I’m going to will this team into winning,” and Arenado is like, “When does the season start?”
Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.70. Was a favorable Matzup! Bam! High five me! No? Okay. (Matzup sounds like a secret menu item at a Jewish deli.)
Brendan Donovan – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Please get hot again, so I can stop hiring a voodoo priestess to curse Edman.
Willson Contreras – 0-for-5, 1 run, hitting .265. Cards announced he will be used primarily as a DH, which is so head-scratchingly stupid. You sign a big-time catcher to. Dot dot dot. DH? Why not sign J.D. Martinez for an eighth the money? Yo, *leans in to whisper* are the Cards stupid?
Brenton Doyle – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (5). I’m a fan of Doyle, but won’t play every day because Black, man, gotta play the 67-year-old Blackmon.
Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.43. Anyone who thought Lucchesi of the Calzone Crime Family was a good stream anywhere at any time, this start at home vs. the awful Rox should dispel you of that.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.97. I watched a lot of this game, and Taijuan was getting a lot of awful swings at pitches nowhere near the plate. Not sure if it was on him as much as how bad the Sawx looked.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Props to whoever put a It’s-June-for-365-days-a-year calendar in Schwarber’s locker.
Matt Strahm – 2 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.14, and his 1st save. He won’t get many saves, and he’s done getting starts, as long as the Phils have Ranger Suarez returning, and stay healthy. *picking up a new streamer* Singing, “Strahm’ing my pain…”
Triston Casas – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, hitting .163. Is it me or have the Red Sox not developed a hitter or pitcher in six years since Devers? Casas is fine for power; Duran is the luckiest guy in the league for BABIP and actually a .230 hitter; Whitlock and Houck are kinda meh. Let’s call it like we see it, they have Raimel Tapia hitting third and a 5+ ERA pitcher as their best developed arm.
Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .318. There’s so many Durans in baseball I’m starting to do these roundups in a white suit, aqua shirt and no socks with loafers while on a yacht. When Seager returns, there’s no way Duran leaves the lineup. They’ll play him in left if they have to, even though…
Adolis Garcia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and slam (9) and legs (2), hitting .260. Now the Adolis haters have a new game to say to ignore. “Ya know, Adolis has most of his stats from one huge game in April, and one huge game in May.” Like you’re benching him randomly and not getting the stats from his big games.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Still see people in comments asking if they should pick up Cobb. His ERA is barely over 2. Do you not have an ERA category?
Thairo Estrada – 3-for-5, and his 6th homer hitting .346. Did you ever know you were my T-hairo?
Willy Adames – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. I don’t know what this means, but he’s got the quietest six homers.
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Ya know what Gore’s doing? The starter year we see before the huge breakout next year. It’s May, and I can already see a sleeper post for him next year. It’s a sickness!
Joey Meneses -3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .277. Must’ve been that time of the month for Meneses.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, and four homers in his last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
J.P. France – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was called up. Please tell me his name is Juan Pierre France. Please tell me his name is Juan Pierre France. Please tell me–It’s not. Damn. So, Juan Pierre France was a middle reliever in the minors, has no command, and the Astros are suddenly choo-choo’ing the Struggle Bus for starting pitching. If you can throw 85 MPH at the local carnival to win a plushie, you might get a rotation spot. Also, if you hadn’t heard, Luis Garcia is headed for Tommy John. They robbed us of the cradle rocker.
Jonathan India – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. From France to India? What is this, vadouvan curry?
Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. “If you tie a skateboard to his torso, you can roll him down this hill–Hold on! He moved! Stephenson’s alive!”
Spencer Steer – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer. Picked up Steer after going to waivers and having a cattle call for hot bodies.
Nick Lodolo – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.29. Anime Grey goes over him in the video at the top of the page, saying he’s a hold. I’d go as far to say, as long as he’s not hurt, he’s a buy, especially since you don’t need to give much of anything to get him. Prolly a waiver claim at this point. He is easily one of the most unlucky pitchers.
Graham Ashcraft – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.82. Welp, the Regression Fairies heard what you said about Harry Styles and cursed your team.
Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Couldn’t have waited until after FAAB ran on Sunday for this start? We should have a glossary term for a player who does well on Sunday and drives up their FAAB price. Please suggest in the comments.
Eloy Jimenez – Out 4-6 weeks after an appendectomy. Did a similar maneuver. He’s useless, and I removed him from my fantasy team.
Hanser Alberto – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schberto alert!
Gavin Sheets – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s one Sheets to the wind! With Eloy out, Sheets could see more playing time. So, Eloy had abdominal pain, and now we’re running to Sheets.