Didja you know The Captain from Captain & Tennille’s real name is Daryl Dragon? Why would this guy have a nickname? Your name’s awesome, you don’t get a nickname. Daryl Dragon has bedtime slippers that are cooler than you. Daryl Dragon washes his hands, then breathes a not-very-intense fire on his hands to dry them. Daryl Dragon can’t get a speeding ticket. “Okay, Mr. Dragon, I’ll let you go this time with a warning because your name is Daryl Dragon.” Raul Mondesi? Now that name sucks as bad as Thanksgiving dinners with the Mondesis (Mondesii?). “Please pass the potatoes and change your name back to Junior.” “NO!” and chucks mashed potatoes at his father’s head. “You throw like your mom!” “I hate you” And so on. I don’t hate Adalberto Mondesi though. Yesterday, he went 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and had a slam (9) and legs (25). He has nine homers and 25 steals in only 219 ABs. Mr. Prorater says, “In a full season, he’d have 20 homers and 55 steals. And if I ate an orange a day for a year, I’d have enough Vitamin C for a Mars colony.” You could consider this your first 2019 sleeper, assuming I don’t get too crazy with myself and rank Mondesi in the top 25 next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jakob Junis – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.42. Son just gave you his Jakob Junis fantasy. He called him trash. Damn, son, don’t provoke Son. Speaking of provoking Son (WUT), go join a fantasy basketball league and win prizes!
Jorge Polanco – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Twins have had one of the worst offenses in the 2nd half, but yesterday they were like a 40-year-old virgin right after sex. They broke their Ji-Man Choi and the flood gates opened with a homer to: Max Kepler (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 19th; Tyler “I’m Better Than Greg Bird” Austin (1-for-4) hit his 16th and MLB’s own John Doe, Johnny Field (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th.
Daniel Palka – 2-for-4 and his 23rd and 24th homer, but left with an injury. His first homer was the 2nd 110+ MPH, 40+ degree homer of the season for Palka; he’s the only one since Statcast’s inception to have two such homers. Palka leads White Sox in homers and Abreu hasn’t homered since August 17th. Appropriately, Chicago sang, “If you see Abreu on my team, look away, baby, look away.”
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. When they go Lopez, we go, “Hi, ‘pez.”
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.77. He had to get about 15 outs thru the first nine, due to balls lost in the sun, errors and bloops. Does that ease your pain if you started him? Unlikely, but there ya go (lito).
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. The moment when I draft Villar on all my 2019 teams can’t come soon enough. The moment in the 1st week of April when I regret drafting Villar in every league, that can hold off for a bit.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (7), hitting .285. Having a solid season (for a middle infielder). If you have parenthetical blindness, you missed a big part of that sentence (get your eyes fixed).
Edwin Encarnacion – Diagnosed with a mild ankle sprain, which is likely accurate, but the Indians also clinched so welcome to your H2H playoffs where none of your Indians stars are playing. There’s lots of reasons to scoff at people who say H2H leagues mimic real baseball more than roto and to them, I scoff a lot. The best is when they say the playoffs are like real-life playoffs. Nah, see, in real baseball playoffs, Edwin would DH and stay in games with a mild ankle injury, but, with H2H playoffs, Edwin doesn’t know you’re in H2H playoffs.
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Continuing my H2H playoffs thought, the best you can do is go with guys who are on teams who are still in the hunt for the playoffs. Am I saying Clevinger might only throw a few innings as he braces for the playoffs? Yes, that is what I’m saying.
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.50. I got cold feet from streaming him, because the Indians clinched the day before. I’m glad I didn’t misread the signs and just don socks.
Michael Fulmer – Gave up back-to-back homers on Saturday and then was lifted with knee inflammation. No one would’ve faulted him if he just took a knee. Now he’s headed for an MRI and likely done for the year.
Mikie Mahtook – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (4), has three homers in the last nine games. Do I expect you to pick him up? Please, it’s Mahtook, you schnook.
CC Sabathia – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.80. This is his third straight mediocre start, raising his ERA from 3.36. It’s too bad that his season-long numbers are going to look so yawnstipating, because he wasn’t bad until about two weeks ago. As for fantasy, no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says I’d have a hard time starting him since he’s a Septumbler.
Justus Sheffield – Being called up by the Yankees. *places handkerchief to head, faints, moments later, awakens* A young boy whispers in my ear, “It’s just for him to pitch out of the bullpen, you cracker.” Thank you, boy. His Triple-A numbers are, well, okay. He throws 98 MPH with a slide piece, and he had merely a 8.6 K/9 and 3.7 BB/9 in Triple-A. I might wag my bat towards Sheffield this offseason when I dig in on some prospects, but I’m not excited for him in 2018. For what it’s Werth, he’s in the top 100 fantasy baseball prospects.
Aaron Judge – Could return for the Red Sox series. I don’t own him in any leagues, and told everyone to avoid him, but, to show you this is not at all personal, I really hope he doesn’t mess his wrist up by returning too soon.
Dellin Betances – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 3rd blown save, ERA up to 2.77. Betances is a Cuddle Boy extraordinaire.
Sean Reid-Foley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 5.54. True story, I searched for a picture of Reid-Foley just because he sounds like a ginger and I wanted to see if he was. He’s not, and apparently doesn’t become invisible when he goes outside in the sun. The Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I could see starting him. Another H2H playoffs point, guys who are battling to prove to their clubs that they should have a place in their plans next year are also good bets.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. One of these years Curtis Jackson is going to get 550 ABs, hit 40 homers and people are going to be like, “Damn, where’d that come from?” And that will be the moment when my head explodes.
Willy Adames – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .267. He hit .318 in August, and is hitting near-.325 in September. If there was more time, I’d say cyclops him, but there ain’t no time for bird sex and there ain’t no time for monocles!
Sergio Romo – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, and his 3rd appearance this weekend and 2nd save in two days after being gone for about four weeks without any mention of him. We’re not going to hear where Romo has been for the last month any time soon, but a few years after he retires, a documentary will appear on Netflix, directed by Errol Morris, which will explain everything. Romo will sit in profile, in an empty room, as he talks about what happened in a film called, The Fog of WAR.
Willson Contreras – Benched four of six games for Victor Caratini, due to Contreras’ abysmal bat. Uh-oh, flashback alert! *wavy lines* “Hey, it’s March! What a time to be alive! I’m only 42 pounds overweight and feeling fine! I’ve got this crazy idea to draft Gary Sanchez and Willson Contreras. Position scarcity, baby!” *wavy lines* “Great news! Because of my drafted catchers, I haven’t felt like eating all year and am now only 41 pounds overweight!”
Steve Cishek – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, and recorded his 4th save on Saturday, ERA at 2.32. He’s my favorite for Cubs saves, but a third of an inning save is Maddon saying, “We don’t have a closer, but I guess this guy could get some saves. What does Razzball call that? SNOTOFF?” It’s SAGNOF, Maddon!
Scott Schebler – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer, and 4th homer in nine games. Hot schmotato alert!
Vince Velasquez – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50, and, on Sunday, Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.67, as both faced the Marlins. I’d like to put Pivetta and Velasquez in touch with Darlene from Ozark. She’d take care of them.
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Peter O’Brien – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. O’Brien’s prospect status is TBD — To Be Dug out from a 2009 time capsule.
Willie Calhoun – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Just in time for a post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-POOOOOOOST-hype sleeper!
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. If you had Profar over Calhoun in the preseason, you are a witch and I will burn you on a stake.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Yes, he should be owned, but let’s remember about his season-long numbers, he missed almost six weeks with an elbow injury this year.
Dereck Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.30. If this were earlier in the year, I’d be talking about how Smudge should be owned in all leagues yadda3, but, at this point, it’s all about their next matchups and his isn’t very good.
Charlie Culberson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and now out-homering Kris Bryant. HAHAHAHAHAHA–Breathe, Grey, breathe! We’re losing him!–HAHAHAHAHA–*medics strap Grey into chair, fitting him for a strait jacket* “Hey, this is Grey’s intern here, we’re going to heavily sedate him and see if we can’t revive him for the next blurb.” HAHAHAHA–“Shh…Sleep, Grey, sleep.”
Sean Newcomb – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.04. 1st half Newcomb became a 2nd half Flowbee.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. If he hits six more homers this year, it will be so fitting. Turning it on just as the Nats are officially out of it. Bryce is the player equivalent to empty calories. I will call him, Bryce Toaster Strudel.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. His homers this year are failing the SATs. Last two years homer totals: 20, 25. The next number in that series is more than 25, Rendon! More!
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Alexa, show me a bowling ball with arms.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer, and 4th homer in four games. Upton and Bryce Toaster Strudel on the same team would be the best 81-win team in history.
Mookie Betts – Left yesterday’s game with side soreness. If the Red Sox lost Mookie Betts for the playoffs on sac fly in a meaningless game… *places pillow over face, laughs hysterically* I’m good now. Betts, on the other hand, may not be as good.
Chris Sale – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.92, as he continues to be the best Opener in baseball. Eat your heart out, Diego Castillo! On a serious note, I get the Red Sox are wearing child-sized mittens with Sale, but is he going to throw 50 pitches a start in the regular season, then be asked to throw 100 pitches in the playoffs?
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.78. This Sale-deGrom matchup was the first game where two starters had 100+ IP and ERAs under 2, since 1985 when Dwight Gooden faced John Tudor. Gooden threw a 9-inning shutout and the Mets lost in ten innings. As much as things change, they stay the same. Gooden did win the Cy Young that year. Tudor came in 2nd with a 1.93 ERA in 275 IP. Yup, baseball’s changed a bit.
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. His 2nd half ERA is 1.19 in 60 2/3 IP, easily the best 2nd half ERA of any pitcher with at least 40 IP. On the year, he’s been more valuable than Noah Syndergaard.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-1 and his 4th homer. Nice 6th round pick!
Zack Godley – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.84. Gonna be looking real close at Godley next year to see if he could bounce back from this season, let’s call it ‘my come to Mary’s baby daddy’ moment.
David Peralta – 2-for-3 and his 28th homer, hitting .298. You know who Peralta feels like? A guy I talk all offseason about how he hit 4th or higher all year and produced, so there’s no reason for him not to hit in the same lineup spot again, then he hits fifth or lower next year.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Topps should do a novelty card with Verlander and Sarah Jessica Parker, titled, “Work-Horse.” On our Player Rater, guess which pitcher Verlander is ranked on the year. I don’t think you will ever guess, because I was about ten pitchers off. Scherzer is number one, and Verlander is number two. Shows you how fantasy differs from reality. Wins matter. Wait, they matter in reality too. Well, you get my drift.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Reddick’s on the rise! Which sounds like a dog in heat, and he does appear hot.
Lance McCullers – Hit 94 MPH during his bullpen session. Might return for an inning or two this year, but seems unlikely to contribute, which seems rather uncharitable of him, unless…again with some stank, UNLESS! He’s being asked to contribute to a charity by a Whole Foods cashier. This drives me nuts, and I scream at the cashier something along these lines, “I don’t have a dollar for your charity, but you’re more than welcome to take a dollar out of the price you charged me for bell peppers and send it along.”
John Gant – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.53. As if Gomber didn’t deliver a death blow to my Tout Wars championship, Gant walked by and peed on a fallen Grey. I’ve fallen and my Life Alert isn’t working.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Gomber and Gant get absolutely bombed out and Wainwright throws his best game since he buckled Carlos Beltran’s knees. Baseball, you fickle mistress!
Ross Stripling – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.77. The good news, he was able to throw 70 pitches. The bad news, throw a dart and you’ll hit something. Last night, Stripling was throwing a lot of darts and the Cards hit something.
Yasiel Puig – 0-for-3 and three homers on Saturday (19, 20, 21). He’s such a bat-licker, and it’s so like him to get close to preseason projections in the final weeks of September when only 10% of fantasy baseballers (<– my mom’s term!) are paying attention, a real Septacular performance. Only thing worse would be Puig hits massive number of homers in the playoffs when more people are paying attention and it drives his price up again with casual fans next spring. That is the epitome of a bat-licker. He should lick balls while he’s at it too, and before you say, “Oh, gross,” or, “Oh, sexy,” think about balls vs. bats. Balls are switched out nearly every pitch by the umpire, whereas a bat you keep every day until you break it, sometimes for entire seasons. What’s cleaner? Bats or balls? Exactly! So, I say this from the bottom of my heart, Yasiel Puig should lick balls!