I Want To Know When Logan Will Throw Again

Full service gas station asks me how much I want, and I say, “Fill it up,” and when they return for the hundred and seventy-five dollars for the eight gallons, I say, “I meant fill me up with Brewers starters.” Why did I stop in a gas station? Because I had to check my fantasy team. Then, because I don’t have the gas money, I’m imprisoned and my cellmate says, “Top or bottom,” and I think he’s talking about which bunk and I say, “It doesn’t matter. Hey, wanna hear about a new Brewers starter?” Yesterday, Logan Henderson went 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he was recalled to replace Woodruff. Yippee-ki-yay or Yippee-ki-lowercase yay? Oh, he’s big-time yippee-ki-yay. A full-on endorsement from the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), I love him. He’s basically been an ace for his time in the majors (combining last year too). This year: In the minors, 13.3 K/9, 4.6 BB/9, 1.02 ERA in 17 2/3 IP. Then 12.4 K/9, 1.1 BB/9, silly small sample of eight innings in the majors, but as long as he’s in the rotation, there’s no reason to not grab him. Now, if someone could put some money in my account so I can get a packet of ramen seasoning and toilet wine. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Harrison – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Gave you my Kyle Harrison fantasy the last time he pitched. By the way, he was traded to the Red Sox for Devers, and given up on in less than a half season with the Red Sox. An emoji with a thick Boston accent that needs to watch The Town to feel something again.

Connor Prielipp – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Still pretty early to draw any strong conclusions, but, wow, he’s throwing his slider a lot. Prolly won’t continue unless a younger Lance McCullers Jr. is his pitching coach. Say, Lance McCullers Jr. Jr. Still has to be a deep league to be interested, and Streamonator nor I love his next one.

Joe Ryan – Left his start with elbow soreness. There’s three starters left in the majors, do you have one?

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .236. Bit surprising how poor he’s hitting for average, but that’s a mere quibble. Don’t be a quibbler, no one likes those.

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Completely anecdotal but Shota feels like he gets a near-2.50 ERA, then it bounces back to 3.20, then down and up. It’s the Shota Yo-Yo.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.00. If you can find anyone who just looks at his 6.00 ERA, buy low!

Moises Ballesteros – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting what. What’s he hitting? Within 20 points. Go ahead, guess. Bzzt, wrongo! He’s hitting .317.

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yo Gabby Gabby!

Rhett Lowder – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.09 vs. Carmen Mlodzinski – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. This matchup was billed as, “‘Mlod, make the bleeding stop,’ I say as someone drops my fantasy team off in front of the ER and then drives away in a hurry.”

Chase Burns – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.20 vs. Braxton Ashcraft – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Nearly made both of these guys the lede, but I feel like I’ve talked a lot about both. I got the Burns to prove it, and Ashcraft or grass, no one rides for free. They’re both fantastic. Burns was a preseason sleeper and Ashcraft looks like a number three. They’re a delight. In a sea of garbage, the Burns/Ashcraft stans alone (at top of standings).

Wyatt Langford – Re-aggravated his forearm injury and will be reevaluated in a week. I’m 5 for 5 with preseason schmohawk posts and I don’t even remember if I did four or five this year. That’s how confident I am. Only real debatable one thus far is Yamamoto, and, trust me, the underlying numbers don’t look good there either. It will be a W.

Jack Leiter – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Yeah, but check out how great his xFIP is!–[tomatoes thrown at head] Okay, but did you watch this game? I did, and I don’t even know how he gave up five runs. Pivetta walked so Leiter could run (allow them).

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .225. On the broadcast they were like, “In Detroit, they call those Tork bombs,” and I’m sorry, but what does that mean? Is that a play on something? Work harder.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. He injures himself running from home to first more than anyone in the history of baseball. When the founders of baseball, Billy and Batty Baseball invented the sport they said, “At least no one will ever hurt themselves going from home to first.” No one’s ever been more wrong! This opens open playing time for…

Jorge Mateo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (3), and, meh, outside of NL-Only. Inner Monologue, “Don’t think about how Mateo has more homers than Tatis.” Me to my Inner Monologue, “How can I not think about it, when you’re literally thinking about it!” IM, “My bad.”

Spencer Strider – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks as he was activated from the IL. When stars return, I just turn it over to Kevin from ESPN, but Larry David Meh Face. It was in Coors, but Chris Sale wiped the floor with the Rockies; Strider, clearly, did not. Might want to bench him until he pitches well.

Chase Dollander – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.38. He deserved to be started, but now I’m operating with him as a Road Scholar, until future notice.

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. It’s in under 100 at-bats. Moniak has twice as many two-homer games as Vlad Jr. has homers.

TJ Rumfield – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. That’s nice, when do we get Charlie Condon?

Roki Sasaki – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.97. They’re calling it “Roki’s best start ever.”

Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 1.25. He’s got such funny underlying numbers (3.8 K/9, 2.5 BB/9). Do you have Underlying Numbers as a category in your league? No? How about wins and ratios? You do? Oh, okay.

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Over here chasing windmills like I’m trying to extract palimony from Dominique Wilkins, mean’swhile, McGreevy is just pitching solid start after solid start with goofy peripherals.

Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was activated from the IL. He’s still working up stamina (threw 73 pitches yesterday), and is more of a deep league guy for now. It does open us up to more comments where people ask about Griffin and I have no idea which they mean, so that’s fun.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .229. Macho, macho Manny!

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting .316. Could be a little schmotato action.

Drew Romo – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer in his last two starts, that dates back to last Tuesday. No mo fo’ Romo? No mo fo’ Romo. No mofo Romo? No mofo Romo.

Sean Burke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Embarrassed to say I’m doing well in one league with Burke and Davis Martin. Streamonator doesn’t love Burke’s next one, but I’m fine with it, assuming you don’t care about Ks.

Shane Smith – Will miss a few more weeks with a rotator cuff strain, after having a terrible season to start. Mr. Smith goes to Washed-inton. Got his ass! Or not, too early to say.

Emerson Hancock – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Love me some Hancock — not like that! — told you to grab him immediately after his first start of the year — did ya listen? Well, didja?

Cal Raleigh – Sounds headed to the IL with an oblique strain. That opens up catcher at-bats for Mitch Garver. Cal owners, “Mitch just killed my vibe.”

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.29. He faced the team that just got Hancock-slapped. Castillo is not right, saying he’s shizz plainly.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68. One of the best to ever do it*. *Being safe without igniting any flames in the nethers.

Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Shouted the virtues of the Royals’ pitching coach last year, and then he was fired (lol), but I do low-key like Royals starters.

Ronny Mauricio – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb, and will miss six to eight weeks. Mauricio slammed his thumb in “the Mets are cursed.” Just didn’t see it there. This will lead to Baty to play 3rd, and Boba at short, until Lindor returns. Vidal Brujan was recalled too for utility purposes. Or futility as the case is here.

Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Won’t try and sell you on him, I learned my lesson.

Clay Holmes – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 1.69 IP, vs. Jack Kochanowicz – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. This matchup was billed as, “Holmes and the mystery of Who Gotchanosewitz.”

Yusei Kikuchi – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Tough blow for Lisa Loeb’s fantasy team.

Bryce Eldridge – Being called up by the Giants. Itch just gave you a prospect stash list where he was featured, “Casey Schmitt has been the club’s everyday designated hitter since April 7th and was hitting well at first. Over the last nine games, however, we’re seeing why he’s not a great fit to be your middle-of-the-order thumper, slashing .189/.205/.324 with zero walks and six strikeouts. Small samples and so on, but what’re we doing here? Schmitt’s a 27-year-old utility player. Checking in on Eldridge, we find him striking out 33 percent of the time through 22 games but slashing .282/.390/.424 with a 120 wRC+ nonetheless. He’s got just one hit in his last five games. Not exactly crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, but one hot streak can change that in a hurry when a kid hits the ball as hard as Eldridge. As hard as I’d like to hit Grey.” C’mon! I’m not a huge Eldridge fan. Fan is keyword. He fans a lot; it’s a terrible park and lineup. I could see a line of 18-22 HRs and .220. It’s very meh.

Jesus Rodriguez – Also being called up by the Giants. He’s a bit more interesting because he has catcher eligibility, and an under 10 K% in the minors, but he’s also behind Bailey (presumably) and has five-homer power and 12-15 steal speed. It’s an NL-Only play before we tell Jesus to take the wheel in mixed leagues.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.86 vs. Tyler Mahle – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.00. This matchup was billed as, “No indigestion from either, even if usually T. Mahle sits in your stomach like S. Matz.”

Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.03. This was the extended Layla outro at the end of Goodfellas for his time on my team.

Andrew Kittredge – 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 18.90. Frances McDormand starring as Kittredge acted in her hardest role yet: Crapping on my fantasy teams. Rico Garcia (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.61) pitched the 7th in a losing game, so there’s no actual closer in Balty-more.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Went to look at the Player Rater to see if Judge was on top, and I was floored to see Jordan Walker up in the top three. The one year I don’t have him! That’s me starring in Waiting for Got’Doh.

Ben Rice – Hit his 12th homer, but left the game with a thumb contusion. They say he should be should be fine. Like Uncle Ben, inhale, exhale, Rice is good.

Jasson Dominguez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Let *handclap emoji* the *handclap emoji* boy *emoji whose palms are starting to sting* cook!

Foster Griffin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Hey, that’s Marla Gibbs’s ERA! He’s a number five or six, and avoided regression on Saturday by having three runs given up marked as unearned. Just giving you a little heads up, he’s not a Marla Gibbs. He’s a Fauxla Gibbs. Fauxla-la-la-la-la-la Gibbs! Okay, I’ll stop now.

Connelly Early – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.79. Not entirely sure what’s going on with Early, but, as I keep saying, he does not look right. Maybe it’s simple as mechanics, but, As I Keep Saying, Part II: He Keeps Saying Shizz, who cares if it’s mechanics? It’s not like you can help him fix it. So much time and energy is spent by people in fantasy wondering what is wrong with a guy and how to fix them, when the players are never going to consult with Mr. Fantasy Baseball ‘Pert.

Ranger Suarez – Left the start with hamstring soreness. Are all starters, like, having a BBQ on the IL and didn’t invite us?

Jarren Duran – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Nice, hey, can he phone up Tatis and tell him the season’s started?

Spencer Arrighetti – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.96. When regression comes for Arrighetti, it’s gonna be like a public restroom in there.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Clearly, not enough people trust him yet. Once Luzardo’s favorability is over 50%, that’s when he screws you over. Call Luzardo, The Politician.

Bryson Stott – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .206. .206?! But wait: Alec Bohm (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) is hitting .162! Did his parents steal his batted ball profile?

Tyler Phillips – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.27. Uh, well, interjection, I guess you can get a 3-inning save, but that’s not what this was, was it? I don’t know why MLB managers have to think like, “Imma use my best reliever in any situation I need him and not save him for, uh, saves.” Stop thinking! Marlins were down by seven runs too, so there was zero reason, except Phillips is not their closer, just the most dependable reliever.

Max Meyer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. He’s actually pitching as well as he did last year, when he had a 4.73 ERA, and he’s never thrown more than 64 2/3 IP in the majors, and he’s been up since 2022. Damn, I’m being a major bummer. I like Meyer a lot, and would absolutely roster him, but he never stays on the field and his BABIP is a tad low.

Joe Mack – Called up and Agustin Ramirez sent down. The world’s largest woof that I spent in drafts for Ramirez in two-catcher leagues and now that’s over. I will not mourn myself for being stupid. I will only reaffirm feelings of, “If you punted catcher and drafted Liam Hicks, you’d be better off.” So, Joe Mack! He hasn’t exactly been a Mack truck riding through MiLB pitchers (3/1/.244 in 82 ABs), but last year was likely closer to skill level (21/9/.257). Won’t hit for a good average, but has pull power and some light speed. People love his defense, so that’s why you might hear a lot about him. Grab him in leagues deeper than 15 team, and if struggle bus in 12.

Parker Messick – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Went into Bing Bong and was made sick. Sounds similar, but unrelated-Gadzooks! It is related! To my beautiful pitching!

Chase DeLauter – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .304. I told you he didn’t retire after his big first week of the season. You’re so silly!

Zack Gelof – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Tyler Soderstrom (3-for-4, 2 runs, 4th homer) went back-to-back with Gelof and Colby Thomas (1-for-2) hit his 1st homer. Bing Bong isn’t even hot yet. Wait until the glorious June through August games. We gonna Bing Bong the bingbongiest.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-4 and his 20-game walk streak ended on Saturday. Roy Cullenbine’s streak of 22 games consecutive games with a walk stays intact. Now to find Roy Cullenbine Jr., who was walking from his home in Hackensack to SacTown, to remember his father in what he was calling the Sack-to-Sac Walk. No one knows why he didn’t take his wallet or phone. If you see someone with a Cullenbine jersey on the shoulder of the I-80, please call the police. All he ate was a banana.