Joining Paul Hollywood at The Great Britton’s Brach Off is Orioles’ manager, Buck Showalter. Showalter said, “Craig Gentry (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit a home run with his leadoff Battenberg cake even if it is missing the mark on OBP, but I love its moistness, and I apologize for using the word moist.” Trey Mancini (3-for-5, 4 RBIs, and his 3rd and 4th homers) was crowned this week’s Star Baker, beating out Mark Trumbo (2-for-5, 1 run), who was in the cleanup spot, saying, “Why do these people have to use so many pots and pans?” The Great Britton’s Brach Off didn’t end without losing one baketestant. Zach Britton over-whisked his meringue and left with a forearm strain. The Brits are calling it, Zaxit. So, Britton will be out for at least ten days with Brad Brach filling in, behind Brach will be Darren O’Day, who sounds too IRA to me, then behind him will be Mychal Givens, who is Mike Tyson and Robin Givens’ child. Buck Showalter said he hopes Britton will be ready in ten days, but forearm strains don’t work that way, so you should grab Brach, at least. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.86. Better than he’s ever been in the majors? Yes, without a doubt. Looking at his peripherals left me feeling less inspired than I thought they would. His velocity is down and his K/9 is below 8. What has really corrected itself is his command, so far his BB/9 is 1.4. I’d absolutely own him, but I thought I was gonna be crazy for him after what he did in Toronto, and I’m much closer to meh. Meh adjacent?
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. With Devon Travis in the doghouse — what do they call a doghouse in Canada? The Doug house? As in Doug McKenzie? — Pillar might get a longer look at leadoff.
Brandon Finnegan – Hit the Disgraceful List. That was the quickest turnaround from good to bad since the first episode of 13 Reasons Why to every other episode of 13 Reasons Why. “This is promising.” *next start* “Wow, this is a mess.” The Reds said he has a left lat strain, but he looked healthy, just less efficient than a Toyota Tundra. As for 13 Reasons Why, someone get this kid Neosporin, he’s had a scab on his forehead for months!
Sal Romano – 3 IP, 2 ER in his major league debut. As frequent commenter, Frank Grimes said, “Romano got pepper jacked.”
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .364. Hot schmotato alert!
Raisel Iglesias – Bryan Price, between expletives, said that he would try to avoid pitching his relievers on back-to-back games, and would use anyone from Iglesias, Storen to Lorenzen as the closer. Not ideal for fantasy, which is all we care about so I have some expletives for Price.
Eric Thames – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and his fifth homer in the last four games, hitting .368. I said I’m geeked and I’m fired up! Two weeks ago, I was glad I only drafted Thames in one league, now I’m like, “Damn, Steamer nailed those projections and why can’t I own Thames in every league?” It’s easy to outthink major league managers, but Thames really should be playing every day.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .217. It’s early still, but he’s on pace for his usual yawnstipating season. Pshaw.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.65. I saw Rotoworld suggested Peralta be owned in all mixed leagues, and I was like, “When did JB start writing for Rotoworld? That guy is moonlighting!” Would it shock you to know Peralta’s xFIP is almost two runs higher than his ERA? It shouldn’t, unless you’ve been in a coma for the last five years, and, if you have been in a coma for that long, Wily Peralta is the least of your concerns, no?
Gio Gonzalez – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.77 vs. Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.75. This was a matchup of two starters who no one was excited about owning in March, but now I wish I owned them over all the starters on all of my teams.
Joaquin Benoit – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 1st blown save. The Phils’ closer job is polluted! It took Pete Macktheknife 14 months to remove Jeanmar, so I doubt Benoit is gone after one, but I do own Pat Neshek in one very deep league. Cust kayin’.
Blake Treinen – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.00. I don’t know if this is Dusty Baker’s intention, because, frankly, I’m not sure if Dusty knows his own intentions, but he is really setting Treinen up to fail. I wouldn’t drop Glover or Kelley just yet.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .333. A video of Harper’s game-winning homer was sent to all 29 other teams by Scott Boras. The Phils declined saying, “It was against us, you jackass!”
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .326. Without intending to, I drafted Eaton in a few leagues, and have been enjoying it thus far. I guess I’m *pinkie to mouth* Eaton my words.
Carlos Martinez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners (8 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Juicy gotcha crazy! Holy schnikeballs, that’s an ugly line by C-Mart. Tied to the WHIPping post and shooting BBs like the game should’ve been broadcast in fast motion and black and white while having title cards for the dialogue.
Greg Bird – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .138. Bird is due to come alive, he is better than this. But I shouldn’t pigeonhole him. Badum-tish!
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .318 in limited duty. Hehe, I said duty. Hicks should be a regular but the Yanks like to hang onto fading vets, so I’m not sure if he’ll ever see the ABs.
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Look at Pineda not doing a crazy good or a crazy bad game, just a run-of-the-mill Quality Start. So mature he’d pronounce it ma-toor.
Jake Odorizzi – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Odorizzi said of his hammy, “From now on, extra holidays off. I’m talking a break, fast.”
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Someone inconceivably dropped him in my league–Oh, forget it, it was Tehol.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.25. The moral of the story is all starters that change teams to the Red Sox don’t become David Price, even if Sale and Price seemed inherently tied. And with that said…
Drew Pomeranz – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.23. I bet when Pomeranz was actually pitching well in San Diego he was owned in less leagues than he is now. There’s an ESPN article from a few days ago that starts, “ESPN’s Klara Bell analyzes how Pomeranz would fit on your fantasy roster as the season ramps up.” I’m not an ESPN Insider, so I don’t know what Klara Bell says, but here’s what it should say, “(Pomeranz) had a 6.43 ERA in Fenway last year and a 4.59 ERA in the 2nd half, you are effin’ crazy to own him in mixed leagues.”
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer on Saturday, hitting .356. Why don’t I have a team with Moreland and Haniger that I can name, I Got Mitches In Different Area Codes?
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game after his back stiffened up. Miggy said it’s no biggie and likes his chicken extra rosemary spriggy.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 12.15. Before this game, pitching coach extraordinaire, Ray Searage said Glasnow would be debuting a new delivery. After the game, Searage said privately to Glasnow, “As Vincent Gallo said in Buffalo 66, ‘If you make me look bad, I will never ever talk to you again. Ever.’ Now get out of here, and be thankful I’m not quoting The Brown Bunny!”
Adam Frazier – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .343. Palindromic! Though, since he was playing left field, it’s more like Pol-anemic-o. Please don’t give C**nt Hurdle a reason to bench Polanco. Please.
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.90. I love how ESPN and other big-box sites make this game about Jon Lester and his 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.00. Jameson Taillon is standing at the unveiling of the Rocky statue, screaming if Adrian wants to know a real man she needs to hook up with him while Lester is Rocky.
Jake Arrieta – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89. He had a 1.00 ERA last April, and fell apart slowly as the season unwound. If he’s not good in April, God help his owners in the 2nd half this year. By the way, Cervelli homered off him. That’s three-homer power, Cervelli.
Jarrett Parker – Out with a broken collarbone. Parker seems to have reverse Lou Gehrig’s. Every time he gets a starting job, he gets hurt. *intern whispers in ear* No, I mean, “Lou Gehrig’s” as in took Wally Pipp’s job and played every day for 15 seasons. Any hoo! Taking over for Parker will be some combination of Chris Marrero, Gorkys Hernandez and Melvin Upton, which goes by the moniker, Morky Herupto, which is as awful as it sounds outside of NL-Only leagues.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.16, or, as fantasy baseball cartoons write expletives, Sam&^@!#*!zija vs. Antonio Senzatela – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.37. I started Sam&^@!#*!zija and Senzatela on the same team and when they combined for seven runs after seven outs, I began to write my will. “Hmm…Who do I leave the Gregg Jefferies rookie card? That’s gotta go to Scott Kimmel…” Then they righted the ship, but it still felt like a bad day to quit barbiturates.
Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.19 vs. Ian Kennedy 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Gorgeous game from two starters or “Are the Angels and Royals the worst hitting teams in baseball?” A sprinkling of both, presumably. Looking at both of their peripherals, Skaggs is more interesting of the two, but, in most mixed leagues, it’s still too early to trust either.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. All aboard the Soo Choo train!
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Mazuzah!
Sam Dyson – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, as his ERA moves to 27.00. You know who I feel really bad about? The guy Dyson got out. How embarrassing! My guess is Matt Bush is the closer for the Rangers next game, but I think Jeff Banister could’ve used himself to close games and it would’ve turned out better, but there Dyson was once again like a bad yeast infection. Get Bush and Monistat 7! Hmm, that went to a weird place. Jeremy Jeffress could also be named closer. Hard to say which way he goes when previously he went to Dyson hideous game after hideous game.
They should sell Sam Dyson jerseys as doorstops, because nothing will ever close with that jersey nearby.
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 16, 2017
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. I legit just gave you an entire Buy dedicated to one man (not entirely, but you get the general gist, which was also my high school band name. General Gist rocks! Vaguely!).
Hisashi Iwakuma – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. Burp BURP! I told you not to draft Hisashi; Hisashi is now telling you the same.
James Paxton – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.00. As one of our two female writers (we almost have as many working females as Mad Men’s offices!), VictoriaB pointed out on Saturday, Paques is French for Easter, so here’s Pax owning Paques weekend:
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks, ERA at 0.41, moving his record to 3-0. …And your American League All-Star Game starter is…Ervin Santana! So far this year, he’s allowed five hits and one run in 22 IP. ERA leaders since July 1st of last year: Verlander (1.91; prior to Saturday’s start), Hendricks (1.97), Ervin (2.08 ERA), Syndergaard (2.40), Scherzer (2.56).
Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. Universe finally accepts Quintana as a number two starter for fantasy. Quintana flips off universe.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.62 vs. Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, EAR at 1.47. I don’t know why Quintana looked like Mr. Bungle on Saturday, but the White Sox vs. the Twins was not the dream meeting of the 1927 Yankees vs. the 2016 Cubs.
Avisail Garcia – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .465. For years I’ve remarked — I’m a remarker, yo! — that Avisail looks like Mini Miggy, now he’s actually hitting like him.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.89. I promise never to say another bad thing about deGrom. I’d roll my eye rolls, but the italics make it look like I’m making fun of Asians. Thanks for refraining, Random Italicized Voice.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. A right bestowed on me by the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston: I reserve the right to judge all Mets starters by their ability to still be healthy in August.
Addison Reed – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Terry Collins said Jeurys Familia could be eased back into the closer role, making earlier appearances in a couple of games. Collins supposedly wants to reacclimate Familia. Good luck, seems like no matter the climate Familia is hot-headed.
Dan Straily – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 Walks, No Hits, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Without looking it up, I’m going to say more pitchers this past weekend threw games giving up more walks than hits than any other weekend in baseball history. Maybe it was due to Easter, and MLB celebrating it by kicking off pregame ceremonies with Kanye’s Jesus Walks.
Tyler Flowers – Left yesterday’s game with a tweaked hamstring. Knew I shouldn’t have done that dynasty league trade of Flowers for Al Gernon.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer in his last 14 at-bats. Ender’s on pace for 59 homers, which would be the ninth best total for a season. Or 2nd best home run total if you don’t count the time Bud Selig’s toupee shrouded most of baseball.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .333, and a home run on Saturday. What do you get when a hot schmotato meets a Zombino? Zombtato? Hmm, sounds like a dance class for Cougars.
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .152. –pf bangs!
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.94. I like Walker, but I don’t own him, so I’m surprised to see how well he’s doing. You’d think he had a 7+ ERA considering how many questions I get about dropping him. What exactly do people expect of him? He has a 9 K/9 and an under-4 ERA.
Rich Hill – Left yesterday’s start in the third inning with an injury. I’ll give you one guess what the problem is. In related news, Rich Hill started a cover band called, Mr. Blister, and their smash hit, Broken Flings. “Take these broken fingers and learn to pitch again…”
Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.07. Okay, time to have a small panic attack. Not only does Maeda look lost, but the L.A. Times reported his velocity dropped from 94 to 90 by the 2nd inning. I wouldn’t drop him yet, but I would bench him for a start.
Logan Forsythe – Out with hamstring tightness, but expects to be back on Monday. That Logan has good Forsythe.
Ken Giles – Pitched the 8th inning on Saturday while Gregerson was held until the ninth for a save, which became a non-save situation by the time the A’s bullpen got done coughing up runs. A.J. Hinch said he just wanted his best reliever in the game at the right time, or as my autocorrect astutely pointed out, the Astros had an A.J. Hunch.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero hits), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.51. Between Manaea, Straily, C-Mart and Finnegan, the weekend seemed sponsored by Daniel Cabrera.
Marcus Semien – Hit the DL with a sore wrist. Wondering how Semien made his wrist sore is like being surprised that someone by the name of Weiner sexts pics of his penis.