One-time Mariner Tom Paciorek was the face of the organization for the better part of the last 40 years. Ken Griffey Jr. once said of Paciorek, “For many years, Seattle fans came up to me and asked if I was a very tan Paciorek, because Paciorek left such an indelible mark.” Edgar Martinez once said of Tom Paciorek, “You can’t think of the Mariners without thinking of Tom Paciorek. He’s so gutsy, you’d think he got those guts from a local abattoir that provides Wilson with its top-notch tennis racquets.” Randy Johnson has said, “I got the idea for my mullet from Tom Paciorek’s back hair.” All of this flattery heaped on Paciorek, and he said, “You guys need to check out Mitch Haniger! Now amscray before I dazzle you with a bon mot.” Wow. The modesty on that Paciorek. In Triple-A last year, Haniger had 20 HRs, 8 SBs and a .341 average. His BABIP was a bit high, but he likely won’t drain your batting average below, say, .250. He already has 3 HRs and one steal, and is 26 years old, so his time is now. Plus, the Mariners are playing him, and batting him in a good place in the order. There’s little reason why you shouldn’t at least give him a shot on all fantasy teams. After all, he has the Tom Paciorek Seal of Approval (ToPa SeaApp, trademark pending). Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – I like to give at least one catcher a week, but, damn, catchers suck. It’s like the rest of baseball is living in the 90s, sticking needles in their butts and talking about Amanda on Melrose Place while the catchers are in the Dead Ball Era. James McCann’s been kinda hot, but he doesn’t play anywhere close to every day and is projected for 8-10 homers. Devin Mesoraco interests me in a way. That way is, “Did science or nature created such an ugly man?” This, I suppose, is how I decided to feature d’Arnaud in this week’s Buy. Really, Frankencatcher.
Ryan Zimmerman – It’s like it’s 2012 all over again. He must’ve stayed last night in a Renaissance.
Lucas Duda – He’s only owned in 10% of ESPN leagues? What does he have to do to get owned in more leagues besides doing an in-game interview with Karl Ravech? Kiss some babies? Don’t make Duda kiss your babies!
Cesar Hernandez – Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on from my alter ego, Be Fire.
Where’s Saladino? Has he become Cesar? Cobb? Waldorf Difo?
Worried that my pitching’s WHIP **it, Devo!
Buxton and Broxton feel like a double bogey,
Cesar’s modest, wears two togas, then spelled that shizz togae!
My MI — not stuttering — is Mondesi and Owings,
I’m wearing a Body Glove and Buxton can blow all five of me’s!
Scooter Gennett – Has been hot, but is still more of an NL-Only play and leagues where you need one guy named after transportation and Vespa Jones is taken.
Wilmer Difo – Jesus, the Green Goblin is a Basquiat full of SAGNOF for deeper leagues.
Eugenio Suarez – There’s a bridge one takes from one decent player to another on waivers, separating the two is the Suarez Canal.
Taylor Motter – He’s simply a bat for a week while Segura mends. In leagues where you’re picking him up, I assume you just need a warm body and nothing else Motters.
Steven Souza – You know what song every sousaphone player should learn? “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” because, I mean, who else is playing a sousaphone?
Avisail Garcia – There’s always a few weeks a year Avisail gets hot, and usually we pick him up about a day or two after that hotness ends. Must be about that time!
Aaron Judge – Seriously surprised Judge is still available in so many leagues. It’s as if people are no longer influenced by ESPN and the New York media. *hears from multiple people about how great Jordan Montgomery is* Maybe I spoke too soon.
Hunter Renfroe – I wanna be in one of these Renfroe is available leagues. Though, then it would make it very hard to hold onto Buxton, and I’m enjoying the ulcer he’s giving me.
Michael Conforto – I don’t wanna kavorka anyone, but we need Granderson to get injured. Conforto’s lack of playing time is criminal like what you did with your tax write-offs this year. Because you made mac and cheese one night doesn’t mean you’re a chef and can write-off your Burger King receipts.
Jesse Winker – Called up today by the Reds. Not only does he sound like Mr. Bungle’s heartthrob half brother, he’s also a potential difference maker in OBP formats. There’s no speed, and the power has shown flashes, but was significantly sapped in 2016 following a wrist injury. On the edges of mixed league relevancy.
Joaquin Benoit – He’s the Phils closer. What, you don’t like saves? I don’t even know who you are! Seriously, I don’t. Why are you standing outside my window? Hey, that’s not a possum! That’s Cougs’ mink shoal she’s drying in the sun!
Jeremy Jeffress – Ah, the Rangers’ closing shituation. What a fudgeasco. You know who really has me interested? Jose Leclerc. The Spanish South African dictator? No, but him and P.W. Botha both get The Gas Face. Of course, everyone and their mother thinks Jeffress is the next Rangers closer. Even Leclerc’s mother! Leclerc throws 96 with nasty get-out-of-here, so I’m stashing him too. Oh, and Bush? Yeah, if he gets healthy he could further complicate this.
Alex Cobb – This isn’t about his next start. This is about his pitching. Okay, he should do that in his next start, but this is more big picture. I like The Tampa Bay Peach for the season. Right now, he has a 7+ K/9 and his control has returned (1.4 BB/9). It’s time to get reacquainted with him.
Alex Wood – So, Alex Cobb to Alex Wood…The next starter better not be Alex Cornhole. Rich Hill might return on Sunday and bump Wood, but Hill’s had blister problems for 18 months, so I’d go Wood, and it sounds like Hill has too, for too long, hence the blisters.
Bartolo Colon – Cobb…Wood…Colon… Is this the Spice Channel’s Match Game? Or maybe $25,000 Pyramid. “Things That Make My Bowels Move.” By the way, $25,000 Pyramid contestants now would be like, “What am I going to do with the money? Hmm, buy a half a car? Maybe I’ll go to a community college for a semester. Shop at Whole Foods for a week? I don’t know, possibilities are endless!” Oh, and Colon’s a Stream-o-Nator call.
Josh Donaldson – All preseason I had this feeling. This sinking, nagging feeling. Not like when you walk in on your parents having sex. More like when you walk in on your girlfriend and your best friend, but you wanted to break up with her anyway and you continue to hang with your buddy. “Bros before derogatory girl words!” And you guys pound fists. Then, about two weeks later, you guys are drinking and you look at him while he’s laughing and you want to stab him with a spork, but you don’t. Instead, you just have a sinking, nagging feeling. That is how Donaldson made me feel all preseason. This feels like the year Donaldson goes from 1st rounder to 5th rounder. I wouldn’t trade him for a haircut at the “We’ll Make You Look Like Adam Duritz” hair salon, but I would explore options.