[brid autoplay=”true” video=”455325″ player=”10951″ title=”2019 Razzball Fantasy Football Draft Kit Keepers”]

Before Charlie Morton (4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.11) threw one pitch yesterday, the Astros greeted him with a highlight reel of some of Morton’s greatest Astros moments. Like the clip of him burning his Pirates jersey. And the clip of him pitching relatively solid for about 150 IP, then hitting a wall and never getting through a whole season. There wasn’t a dry eye in the stadium, especially on the Rays’ bench. I told you to sell Morton last month because he can’t ever complete a season. Any hoo! Morton seems headed for a 3-minute bread beep as he becomes toast, but this is about how the Astros hit multiple balls into orbit, which is also the name of their mascot’s scooch hole. Yordan Alvarez (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .329) hit his 20th and 21st homer in *hand-clapping emoji* 60 *hand-clapping emoji* games. Actually, stop and hand-clap emoji for a few minutes he’s such a thing of beauty. In total sincerity, if you haven’t seen him hit, go watch a clip. I see him hit homers and I’m puzzled, asking myself, “How does he not hit more homers?” And he hits a lot of homers!  That’s how gorgeous his swing and ease-to-pop appears. For 2020, I’m going to fight with myself to not put him in the top 20, and I might lose. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tyler Glasnow – Will make a rehab start on Friday. Awesome news, he’s on track to throw five random innings of middle relief in September. Could win some championships, especially in the “If Glasnow Returns To Throw Some Meaningless Innings, I’ll Win A Championship” Bowl.

Blake Snell – Will throw a bullpen session on Friday. That’s gonna put him in line for one random start in the third week of September. If you’re not picking up on the theme, injured pitchers hoping to return in September are not a way to win leagues.

Sean Doolittle – Scheduled to throw a simulated game on Wednesday, because that’s hump day and when most simulations happen.

Aaron Brooks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.79. The irony of this is obviously Aaron Brooks couldn’t pitch wearing Aaron Brooks shoes because they’re not regulation. That sucks for AB.

Cole Hamels – Placed on paternity leave. Wow, maybe Krew Harper’s gonna have a My Two Dads scenario!

Yu Darvish – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. That was Yu’s first walk in 142 batters. In a season that is more Topsy-Turvy than Mike Leigh screaming at you, “I need more feeling and less nose-breathing during my improv!” I’d say Yu Darvish only walking one batter the entire month of August ranks up there as one of the most head-scratching things. Not simply because he was regularly walking five or six guys a game earlier this year, but he’s never had amazing control in his career.

Addison Russell – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and homers in two straight games for him, but he’s still not playing every day. If Maddon figures out Russell is hot, he’d be an Add(ison).

Javier Baez – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .285. He was picked off 2nd and caught stealing at 3rd, because apparently Mets’ Mazza’s move muy magnifico. Alliteration in lieu of wit!

J.D. Davis – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .302. The homer was in a losing cause for the Mets, which is totally irrelevant, baby! This is fantasy!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 42nd homer. Albombso! This was a new Mets franchise record for home runs. Any idea who previously held the record? I was thinking, “Had to be someone who did nose candy or who’s named after a hotel where you do nose candy,” but wasn’t Strawberry or Howard Johnson. It was Carlos Beltran and Todd Hundley.

Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.95. You don’t have to flirt so much, Heaney. I’m going to like you next year, just as I like you every year.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 43rd homer, hitting .293. This was his first homer in six games so he’s a bum but no one wants to say it.

Mike Minor – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Here’s a guy who I will never like next year. Don’t care, don’t want none.

Danny Santana – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Was about to say he had a poor August, but then I just saw he hit 7 HRs in August, so Antana continues to roll.

Hunter Pence – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. He had 7 HRs and four in five games on May 13th. He now has 18 homers:

Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .332. Not sure how many at-bats he’s missing to qualify for the batting title, but he has to be close and he’s absolutely going to win the least interesting batting title since Terry Pendleton rocked Carhartts and took Charlie Lau lessons from Carney Lansford.

Colin Moran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .286. With Goodrum going down, I needed someone in a deep league and I went with Moran, and now that I have him, I’m not sure why I ever wanted Goodrum over him. I was drunk on all that positional eligibility.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Imagine having the core of young players that the Jays have and giving Justin Smoak any at-bats.

Niko Goodrum – Will be sidelined for 10-14 days with an abductor strain. Turns out Niko is a mollusk.

Jose Ramirez – Will miss 5 to 7 weeks with his fractured hamate bone. Yu can Chang Yu, but you can’t Chang time.

Adam Plutko – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Rather merely go off the Streamonator (though, it might agree), I’m just streaming every pitcher vs. the Tigers. Welcome to the club, Civale; I don’t care if your C’s hard or soft!

Franmil Reyes – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer, and has 63 RBIs.  Or as frquent commenter, Terrance Mann, said yesterday, “Everyone that thinks Eugenio Suarez should have more RBIs with 36 HRs, take one step forward. Not so fast, Franmil.”

Roberto Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .223. Roberto Perez about to send a strongly-worded letter to Manfred complaining about his own home run totals it’s so absurd. “I am Roberto Perez. We are a modest people. This is insane!”

Brian Anderson – Won’t need surgery for his fractured pinkie, but will miss the rest of the year. Inky, Blinky and Clyde were sorry they couldn’t save pinkie.

Caleb Smith – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.05. Well, it was fun (at times) and not fun (at times) and now that’s clearly over. Put Caleb Smith and Paddack in the trash bin with pitchers who I’ll love next year but are clearly tiring.

Jorge Alfaro – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, get to 20 homers and I won’t feel like a stooge for holding you all year.  Alfar-Mo? Nah, I think he’s a host on Queer Eye.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.21.  Michael Scott, “No no no NO NO NO NO!” Don’t regress now! I want people next year to be overexcited for you.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer, and three homers in three games. Speaking of the devil. I was. Okay, Terrance Mann was. You nah’mean!

Curt Casali – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Psycho killer!  Curt Casali! Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, far better run run run run run run away!

Nick Senzel – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a home run. Guess how many homers he has. I’ll give you some misleading clues. The ball is juiced. He has 348 ABs. Guess wrong yet? He has 11 homers. That is the new blech.

Joey Votto – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. When Tony Danza heard of Joey’s return, he shouted,”That was my schtick first!”

Mike Montgomery – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Streamonator isn’t feeling his next start, but it’s against the Tigers, and I’m ride or die against Detroit until the Tigers prove me wrong or Kid Rock personally asks for me to back off and/or bawitdaba.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Truly believe Giolito is no worse than a top 15 starter, and we start top 15 starters everywhere, even against the Twins. Which is what I wanted to say to people asking if they should start Giolito yesterday, but telling everyone like this is more productive.

Byron Buxton – Had a setback with his shoulder and is said to “never be healthy,” so there ya go.

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Don’t even want to look at his ERA since I dropped him after his 7.20 April. It’s too painful, even for someone whose emotions are calloused over without Giancarlo applying balm.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. Whoa, so this is crazy, but I think I just found Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe in my attic. I’m going to haphazardly get the dust off it by leaving it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Sam Hilliard – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was called up. This is hilarious. His Triple-A stats: 109/35/101/22. Are we sure they’re not using a Superball with pinball flippers? He strikes out way too much, but Coors can erase some of those blemishes. The Rockies can also erase some rookies’ potential too by benching them. Since Tapia is out, I could see grabbing Hilliard in case he gets the at-bats, and surprises in September.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 28th homer. His home run went 435 feet at an 18-degree launch angle, which is the third lowest angle for a home run of that distance (other two both by Albombso). Impressive that X-Bogs released some cheat codes this year.

Cal Quantrill – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.99. I had a legit panic attack when I saw his line because I was sure I streamed him somewhere. Then I cycled through all my teams (that I check regularly, at least), and I couldn’t find Quantrill. Whew. Now I’m scared to check the (weekly) teams that I check less often.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-5 and his 27th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. If you owned him earlier this year, you know that Pederson is the type to get smoking hot schmotato, so grab him if he’s out there.

A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I picked him up right before this game, but en bee dee you have a one in three chance of anyone homering 50% of the time. The math checks out don’t @ me.

Luis Severino – Could make his 1st rehab start on Sunday. This is great news for those of you that drafted him and were hoping for a solid three to seven innings across four games in middle relief.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Not a bad home run total for Tommy La Stella in May!

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Saw this line and felt bad for a commenter yesterday who I told not to start Mikolas. Sorry, homey, whoever you are. This was not a good matchup in Miller. Baseball’s unpredictable; it’s what makes it great. Dot dot dot. For ulcers.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Someone didn’t like me saying Molina was washed yesterday. I was talking about Bengie or Alfred. Chillax, Yadier.

Harrison Bader – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.325 in the last week and hits in five straight games with a homer and steal.  Hot schmotato alert!

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.52. I’m all-in on Houser — got a Full Houser? — but, as the Streamonator rightfully points out, his next start is a no-go.

David Peralta – Will have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. Diamondbacks’ manager, Torey, who married Brad from The Challenge, said, “I don’t know what the diagnosis is or what the procedure will be, but his 2019 season is over.” Seems dialed in to the comings and goings.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-3 and his 28th homer. He limped around the bases on the home run, and was diagnosed with a hamstring cramp. That’s from dehydration, happens from too much Ketel in the Arizona desert. Have a hard seltzer once in a while to rehydrate.

Scooter Gennett – Released by the Giants. Scooter, the Giants and Giants fans will always have the memories of Gennett’s three-plus week stay with the club. Like that 1-for-4 with a walk that led them to a 5-4 loss. Man, great times.

Mauricio Dubon – With Scooter out the door (driveway?), the Giants lifted their skirt, revealing a Duboner. Excuse me, “top prospect Dubon” who was barely a C-level prospect for the Brewers, a team that doesn’t have a good minor league system. The Brewers thought so highly of Dubon they chucked him in a deal for Pomeranz, but Dubon did have 20 HRs, 10 SBs and a .302 average in Triple-A this year, and should see everyday at-bats with the Giants. Prospect Mike said, “Eventually, (Dubon is) a utility infielder, but he’d be a decent boost to batting average and possibly runs scored in deeper formats, which is different than a decent boot that I’d like to stick up Grey’s ass.” Hey!  Not sure if you’ve been following along with all prospect posts, but Prospect Mike’s last post is coming later today. He’s headed off to become Dr. Prospect Mike, and apparently that will take his full attention. Dr. Pepper continued to quench thirsts while he was getting his degree, but what can you do? I’m gonna miss Prospect Mike a ton, as I’m sure a lot of you will too. On Sunday, our new prospect writer will start, assuming he doesn’t want to become a doctor too.