This was just announced by the Yankees’ front office. “No Yankee will ever wear the last Monday of May on their jersey. 5/25-5/31 will all be retired. We dedicate this to all the Yankees who served honorably on federal holidays.” When asked why Memorial Day and not Veteran’s Day, the Yankees’ brass said their roster celebrates Veteran’s Day every day. The Yankees exploded for 14 runs yesterday on five home runs as Jeremy Guthrie (1 IP, 11 ER) got Vin Mazzacred! Chase Headley went 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer as Headley helped *pinkie to mouth* Chase! Guthrie. In the 1st inning, Brian McCann got into the action (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) with his 5th homer as he put up the bangfizzle, Stephen Drew added his one hit in five at-bats, his 5th homer, and, because Guthrie was doing a special Memorial Day giveaway with homers going to the first seven batters in attendance, even Slade Heathcott (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) got into the action, hitting his 1st homer, and Slade Heathcott is merely just a name spit out by the Preppie Name Generator. But the one I really want to talk about after this clunky sentence intro is Brett Gardner (2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .285 and has 12 steals). Gardner gives you around the stats you were hoping to get from Jacoby Ellsbury, and at a fraction of the draft day cost. To quote Fonzie’s horse, nay! It’s not just Gardner’s draft day cost, he’s still likely cheap as dog balls to acquire in a trade. Everyone on the Yankees gets overrated, but somehow Gardner never does. Weird and interesting and everything you could want from a novel you find tucked away in someone else’s beach blanket that you steal. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Sat out yesterday due to illness. It’s bigger news to me that he’s been playing at all this year. We’re sure he didn’t retire last year?
Mark Teixeira – 0-for-3, 1 run. Ticker tease!
Danny Duffy – Hit the DL with left biceps tendinitis. At a news conference, his right biceps tendinitis started to speak, then got up and threw a chair in frustration.
Jason Vargas – Will start today in place of Duffy. Varburp is not recommended.
Greg Holland – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Johnny Cueto – Expected to miss only one start with a stiff pitching elbow. Bryan Price said, “F**k you for f***king th**king anyt***g d***erent!” Hmm, my auto-childproof overdoes it a little with Price.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Frazier seemed like he could be a novelty act last year, but he’s carrying his own show this year.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd in as many games. I wondered on this week’s podcast that was taped prior to Byrd’s Sunday homer, if it might be time to move on from Byrd, but, thankfully, my procrastination and I’m-merely-only-talk modus operandi finally came in handy.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-5, hitting .224. He feels like the world’s oldest 28-year-old. He should get together with Amanda Bynes and have a grandchild.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and is 7 for his last nine with two homers. The best (not best) are the people the last two weeks who have been saying Arenado has been disappointing. These people also don’t understand that the baseball season is six months long and only Barry Bonds in 2001 had a 78-game hitting streak and hit a home run in every game.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .333. I was waiting to see how long it would take Walt Weiss to move LeMahieu and his .330+ average out of the eight hole. Only about 40 games, but this Rockies lineup was sans CarGo and Tulo, so there’s no guarantee DJ sticks. Or maybe with a DJ, that’s scratches.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 steals. Blackmon keeps stealing like that and all the progress the Blackmon has made will be for nothing.
Wily Peralta – Out six weeks with a strained oblique. Geez, Tanaka tore his elbow tendon and missed less time.
Khris Davis – 3-for-3, 3 runs and two solo homers (4, 5). This could be total confirmation bias, and we’re assuming I know what the hell confirmation bias is, but Davis is the kind of guy to get crazy hot for a couple of weeks, so I would look to grab him if he were out there.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (5), hitting .272. Has officially blown away Lind in the race for more fantasy value, but it’s still early and Braun could still hurt his thumb and miss six weeks. Speaking of Lind, I’d like to backdate my drop of him by about three weeks.
Nori Aoki – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (11). Sonavabench! Ugh, Maybin better have a huge week or someone’s gonna have some esplainin’ to do. Oh, who am I kidding, this is surely the start of a huge week from Aoki, and don’t call me Shirley. On a side note, it seems like there’s a lot fewer slam and legses (legii?) this year.
Jose Reyes – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m so hungover from this weekend. What are you asking?”
Chris Colabello – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .378. By the time you actually pick him up, he’ll no longer be hot. Cust kayin’.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, who got the cortisone shot, this doode or Bautista?
Drew Hutchison – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.12 vs. the White Sux. Yesterday, it was a great day for guys that I’ve dropped this year. Fantasy Baseball: Wishing you a happy holiday with a big middle finger every day of the year. Hutchison’s still barely over a streamer in most mixed leagues, but his peripherals took a nice jump forward yesterday. He’s about one start away from being added everywhere.
Avisail Garcia – Left the game due to his knee soreness. Maybe it’s not coincidental that ail is in his name.
Miguel Cabrera – Sat out yesterday with a cranky ankle. You know how you avoid a cranky ankle? Let your foot fall asleep.
Ben Zobrist – Didn’t play yesterday, but was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “What’s that ringing in my ears?” as he laid face down in a janitor closet.
Sean Doolittle – Will return from the DL on Tuesday. A’s will likely ask Doolittle to do, uh, little at first, easing him back into the closer role. Unlike the McGee/Boxberger shituation, I do think Doolittle will be getting saves in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Jesse Hahn – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.69. I told you he was a sleeper (then said drop him, then said pick him up, then said drop him again and don’t look back, then said maybe we should look back). As of right now, Hahn looks like a streamer for most shallower mixed leagues and the Stream-o-Nator is slightly positive on his next start.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks in his first start of the year vs. Tsuyoshi Wada 5 1/3 IP, 6 baserunners, 6 KS in his 2nd start of the year. I Imagine Dragon there will be a lot of questions about both of these guys in the coming days, so let’s try to answer them for all the people who won’t read this and just ask questions. So I Wada Wada want Wada over Tanner, which is odd since I’m from Jersey and do like to bronze. I like Tanner as well, but think there’s a little less strikeout potential from him. He is a hair safer, if you prefer that. He did have a 2.85 ERA in 198 2/3 IP last year, but only a 6.3 K/9. Wada’s likely closer to a 7.5 K/9 guy. They’re close like Mr. Roark and Tattoo.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. That was also his first hit since the 20th, so Wilson, the volleyball, might be better company.
Denard Span – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Or one homer more than OZUNA. OZUNA lower head. OZUNA ashamed.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, hitting .279. This is also a guarantee reverse jinx, but Soler has zero homers and zero steals since I told you to sell him three weeks ago.
Joe Kelly – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Um, yeah, but what starter throws faster?!
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Now hitting over-.350 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 1 run, which comes about a week after his four-hit game, and during that week he did nothing. So, once a week, he looks like a major league hitter. Kinda like the Twins entire lineup.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 and a homer in his last game (Saturday) and hitting .387, and Eddie Rosario (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal) hits behind the two Eduardos. The Twins, always the bargain hunters, must’ve been shopping at Crazy Eddies.
Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was activated. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Could you shut the light off in the hallway? My head is killing me.”
Prince Fielder – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .365 and leading the American League. For the record, this doesn’t make owning Fielder last year but not this year any less painful.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Elvis has left the building! Too bad he’s also left your team.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. The good news is he’s lowering his ‘batting average while a 1st baseman,’ so his stats are less cherrypickable (totally a word!).
Shawn Tolleson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save. In, like, five days, he has as many saves as Clippard. Dubya tee eff!
Neftali Feliz – Hit the Disgraceful List with an axillary abscess. As you’re well aware, Tolleson will handle saves in Feliz’s abscess.
Yasmani Grandal – Passed concussion tests. There was only one question on the test, “Wouldn’t you start Alex Guerrero (2-run pinch-hit homer) every day?” Tests also proved conclusively that Mattingly has a concussion.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .313. Whether he hits or not, and he hasn’t hit much in the last ten games, Ethier seems to get to play. Why does this feel like Little League and I’m Alex Guerrero’s dad?
Williams Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Here’s what I said previously, “Perez has pretty yawnstipating minor league numbers (7 K/9, 3 BB/9 in Triple-A, 6.4 K/9, 2.64 BB/9 in Double-A), but, due to his ground ball rate, he’ll likely be ownable for NL-Only leagues. Williams also started selling some great kitchen supplies with his brother, Sonoma Perez.” And that’s me quoting me!
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Yup, I’d own him. Yup, even in your league.
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-5, hitting .347 on the field and on the scale!
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.54. So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t have dropped him. Okay, got it, no need to Rubby de la Rosa it in.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Shuper!
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Have I ever mentioned my pet name for Cougs is Ginacarlo?
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA in his first start of the year. Morton synopsis: A young and less ape-like Harang.
Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and hitting near-.450 in the last week. I blame Zunino for me actually considering Cervelli.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 6th homer, hitting .185. Okay, you have a couple-day reprieve, but Jimmy Crack Corn get a hit here and there!
Roenis Elias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.56. He had a 7.9 K/9 and a 3.85 ERA last year in 163 2/3 IP with the Mariners, so I don’t want to dismiss Elias in his entirety, but his velocity is down, his K-rate is down and he’s getting crazy lucky, so, yeah, I’m dismissing him.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Sky told you to play (use? start?) Odorizzi yesterday in DraftKings. By the by, I’ve never played DraftKings, and considered it last Friday, but couldn’t figure out how to sign up. No lie. Tried for about five minutes, gave up. I am the least likely person to write a blog, because I can’t figure out how to set my microwave clock. Mechanically reclined, I think it’s called.
Steven Souza – Day-to-day with a sprained wrist. Not good, but better than it ‘rained piss.’
James Loney – Hit the DL with a broken middle finger. Or as it’s called in medical journals “the bugger off finger.”
Asdrubal Cabrera – Didn’t play yesterday due to a strained groin. What an odd thing to find in an colander.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .299. Day 22 in a row of me touting him. Coincidentally, it’s also 22 straight days of you ignoring Forsythe.
Chase Utley – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .183, raising his average sixty points in the last ten games. Of course, to raise one’s average from .125, you need to only get two hits in ten at-bats, but Utley has been hitting near-.350 in the last week. Some of that was aided by a trip to Coors, but he might be coming out of his deep, dank funk.
Matt Harvey – Terry Collins said that Harvey is dealing with a dead arm. This is terrific news for Harvey’s “Doing the Bernie” Dance, it’s not great news otherwise. He’ll still start on Friday and you’ll throw him out there, hoping for the best and likely getting a 6 IP, 4 ER start, then wonder if you should throw him in the next game, sit him and he’ll throw a 9 IP, 1 ER, getting over the dead arm. Hopefully, it doesn’t drag out for longer than that.
Travis d’Arnaud – Expected back on June 1st, the same day as Jonathan Lucroy, Wieters is due three days later and my dreamcatcher comes in from Amazon on the 5th. Things are looking up!
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Don’t put away your harp yet, Grey, or your sweet angelic voice. Heaven isn’t too far away, and Wilmer’s closer to it every day.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Not a bad start, but a terrific one when you consider he was pitching while mentally attending 17 different Memorial Day BBQs.
Michael Cuddyer – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I’m gonna say he hits the DL before getting to eight homers. Anyone want any of that action?
Jered Weaver – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I was thisclose to being a “stream Weaver” yesterday, but I hate him so much I figured he’d get hit to spite me. The reason why I was even inclined to stream him is because the Padres seem to have misplaced their offense recently. Maybe they’re wearing their throwback unis.
Erick Aybar – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd steal, and has a hit in nine of his last ten games. It took until almost June, but Aybar is finally hitting and worth owning. If he’s available in your league, grab him now.
Marc Krauss – 2-for-3, hitting .156. I love how Krauss plops in from seemingly no man’s land and gets everyday at-bats, while Cron laments sleeping with The Sciosciapath’s daughter.
Will Venable – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal, hitting .293, and coming off a four-hit day on Sunday. The Padres lost a Wil, but gained a Will, and because I’m cycling through batty calls, I grabbed him in my RCL. Will’ll see how long he lasts.
Dallas Keuchel – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.99 and this complete game was in 97 pitches. Two less pitches than Ice T’s got problems.
George Springer – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .224 and he’s been moved to the leadoff spot, because the Astros wanted to put Luis Valbuena (0-for-4, 1 run, hitting .194) in the three hole. The Astros are a whole new breed of offense. They’ve even updated the Moneyball model. They avoid getting on base. This is Lunacyball.
Preston Tucker – 2-for-4, after homering on Sunday, hitting .341 since call-up. I’ve been hesitant to make too much of Tucker, and not because he reminds me of The Crying Game. He’s more or less a platoon/bench outfielder, but he might have some hot schmotato appeal.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th home run. With great middle infield eligibility comes great responsibility to be worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues. It’s in our Constitution. Right after, “Screw you, Brits, we’re going solo.”
Caleb Joseph – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .270. For those of youse that are expecting Wieters to return and fix your entire catching problem on your fantasy team, I bet Joseph sees at least two games a week, and likely three. Yeah, that’s crizzap.
Brian Matusz – Received an 8-game suspension for using a grip enhancer. I have found that type of thing is more useful when gripping one’s bat than balls.