I get props at my mention ’cause I vex y’all. So Wada Wada want! He’s so funny with the 88 MPH gas that he flaunt! Where’d you get your information from, huh? You think that Tsuyoshi can front a fantasy rotation when revelation comes? You can’t front a fantasy rotation on that! Sweeter than that Jason Hammel guy with Ready Whip topping? Goin’ from streamer to streamer kickin’ it wall to wall! Well, I’ll be calling out you people who draft a number one starter! It’s wack when you’re jacked, someone take Strasburg from me, he can’t throw no harder! As you can bet I think I’m losing my league this time. This time I’m losing my league. So, Tsuyoshi Wada looked terrific yesterday in his first start of the year, if just not fully stretched out — 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. He was solid last year (7.4 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.25 ERA in 69 1/3 IP). The Ks from yesterday likely won’t be the norm, but he should be solid for most mixed leagues once he gets stretched out, which should be by next game. I’d definitely grab him, and you can’t front on that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chase Anderson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. It’s the week of Diamondback starters excelling, which kinda reminds me of a Hyundai Excel. Not sure why. Hyun-Jin should remind me of Hyundais. What does the president of the Hyundai Motor Company stand in front of when giving a speech? A Hyun-dais! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! Anderson has a knock-em-out changeup, a decent curve, a 91 MPH fastball and a 8+ K/9 last year in 114 1/3 IP with a 3.67 xFIP. Oh, and do you need me to clean out your gutters while I’m cherrypicking? Anderson was decent last year, so this isn’t a breakout. I would own him in most mixed leagues, and think he can be a solid number three. Between him and Rubby? Well, Rubby seems more likely to lead to a happy ending.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-4, 4 runs and three steals (7, 8, 9). Oh. OH! I see. Well, in that case, yeah. Wait, how many steals were stolen yesterday by the Diamondbacks? Six! And Tuffy Gosewich stole a base? Did someone yell duck, duck, Gosewich? I’m guessing either the Marlins pitcher, David Phelps (5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks) has a big ol’ flashing green light of a steal tell or the Marlins catcher yesterday, Jhonatan Solano, isn’t a catcher as much as a jumble of Latin American baseball names that were put into a supercomputer and the Marlins bought it.
Nick Ahmed – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. He’s also hitting near-.400 in the last week and has been playing nearly every day and I’m struggling to make him sound appealing. A very slight schmotato in deep leagues.
Brett Anderson – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.61 vs. Tim Lincecum 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.08. This was a classic 4/20 matchup. Lincecum because he smokes on the daily and Brett Anderson because I can’t believe he made it past April 20th healthy.
Jake Peavy – Could begin a rehab assignment soon. Show of hands for who thought Peavy retired. Oh, put down your hand, A.J. Burnett! Always with the retirement, you!
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .298 and hitting near-.450 in the last week, and just about the hottest schmotato in the land.
Drew Pomeranz – Placed on the DL like I’d place your head on a pillow and tell you bedtime stories, Giancarlo. Real sweet like.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.67. Keuchel exercises are especially difficult when he has the best ERA in the major leagues. Get a load — bad choice of words — of the top five ERA in the ERA: Keuchel, Nick Martinez, Sonny Gray, Hector Santiago, Garrett Richards. That looks just like the top starters drafted. /sarcasm
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .196. I was about to write that Gattis seems like a guy that does okay vs. righties and punishes weak lefties, but Gattis is batting .146 vs. lefties with two homers, so, uh, yeah.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .299. Marisnick got as cold as Saran-wrapped doody in an industrial freezer, but maybe this is him fogging up the mirror under his nose.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .195. On our Player Rater, who’s been more valuable: Springer or Souza? Actually, Springer, by a hair ($12.3 to $11.9). Here’s a more confusing one: Springer or Ender Inciarte? Ender with $13.3. Avisail, who everyone seems to want to drop, has been worth $15.4.
Severino Gonzalez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 K in Coors. Right now, the Rockies have scored the fewest runs at home in the majors. *waits, listens* Oh, well. I was waiting to hear the opening to The Twilight Zone.
Drew Stubbs – Demoted to Triple-A right after Dickerson landed on the DL because Walt Weiss hates you. Don’t look around like he hates someone else. It’s you!
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .309. If Weiss wasn’t crummy with crackers, Wilin would be the everyday 1st baseman, even after Morneau returns.
Albert Pujols – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on his wrist, and is day-to-day. Those Angels fans that tuned in late and saw that their 1st baseman was Marc Krauss, left them singing O, Brother Where Are Thou Albert?
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.37 and the win against the Blue Jays. Find the email of the guy who owns Weaver in your league and trade with him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .288. It feels like every time you look up Trout has ten homers. Stop looking up! I believe the preceding was also lyrics from Sheryl Crow’s Soaking Up the Sun.
Anthony Rendon – Hit in a cage and took grounders yesterday. I will say one thing for Rendon that I appreciate it, he doesn’t give endless updates about his injury. I’m farting in your general direction, David Wright.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-1 and ejected from the game in the 3rd inning for arguing a first-pitch strike. This is the 2nd time he’s been ejected this past week. If I may get on a soap box for one second. Little Timmy begs his father to take him to the Nats game to see his favorite player, Bryce Harper. Timmy’s Dad frets that they can’t really afford to go to a game. It’s going to cost $250 with parking, concessions, tickets and souvenirs. Finally, the Dad relents. He’ll take him to one game this year. This game was yesterday and Timmy’s favorite player got ejected because an umpire was flexing his muscles. Now Timmy will start to like football, where his favorite player gets a ten-yard penalty for killing his ex-wife.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. After the game, J. Z. uploaded the highlights of this game to Tidal with a watermark stamp that someone removed and put up on YouTube.
Adam Warren – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Warren credited his pitching performance to studying game film done by Zapruder.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .238. Steals look like they’re gone from his game this year, but hopefully, if you couldn’t trade him, he gets 20+ homers. It’s the least The Dreadful Pirate can do.
Josh Harrison – 3-for-6. Crazy how hot he got out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, it’s Pittsburgh. It’s nowhere good.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. Not saying it hasn’t been brutal owning him, but if he hits two homers by next week, he’ll be on pace for essentially his exact same preseason projections that you thought you were getting. Yeah, yeah, I know, if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, I’d be a diabetic squirrel.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. I’m still on the Heyward train of thought, but if there’s anyone I’d be more annoyed with from these two, it’s Adams. Heyward has a few steals and 13 more runs than Adams. Adams has done a whole lot of whatever. Emphasis on whole.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .328. Doesn’t he have a back to wrench out of place or something?
Carlos Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.08. I watched a bunch of this game because I still own C-Mart in a few deeper leagues, and any time I can see the Stay Puft Caramel Marshmallow Man go up to bat, it’s a good time. C-Mart looked the best I’ve seen him this year. Wasn’t simply the Mets swinging at whatever, C-Mart was hitting more corners than Avon Barksdale.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit leadoff. Never thought I’d be so happy to see my Wong hitting against a Colon.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and five for his last ten. Hot schmotato alert!
Shane Greene – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Yawn, you are so April 6th through 15th!
Ryan Braun – 1-for-2 and his 10th homer, hitting .263. If you don’t own him, don’t worry, he’ll hurt his thumb or back within the next two weeks.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd steal. Well, yeah, sure, Cespedes has a hundred legs.
Williams Perez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Williams took over Eric Stults’s rotation spot. That’s not some kind of wonderful! Perez has pretty yawnstipating minor league numbers (7 K/9, 3 BB/9 in Triple-A, 6.4 K/9, 2.64 BB/9 in Double-A), but, due to his ground ball rate, he’ll likely be ownable for NL-Only leagues. Williams also started selling some great kitchen supplies with his brother, Sonoma Perez.
Jace Peterson – 0-for-2, 2 BBs and his 4th steal as he hit leadoff. If you say his first name enthusiastically, you sound like Borat.
Roenis Elias – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Elias Sports Bureau said, “That’s my boy!” The Stream-o-Nator thinks his next start is a bit more favorable, but not that favorable. Did I say you could use italicizes? Leave me alone, Random Italicized Voice. Snippy, snappy!
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! The Ruggiano family was vacationing in 1989 at Disney World and they asked someone to take their picture, and that person said, “Say cheese,” and Papa Ruggiano knocked him out.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. You got lucky that the five walks didn’t lead to a serious ERA drubbing, and I’d look elsewhere in most mixed leagues, before the walks come back to haunt him.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. When a guy like Eaton hits a home run, it could be the beginning of a hot schmotato run, and would look to grab him.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and two steals (7, 8). Wow, it’s the what-I-imagined-for-him-in-the-preseason Ramirez! Say hello to your mother for me.
Pablo Sandoval – Sat out yesterday after taking a pitch off his knee. Is it me or is Sandoval day-to-day every other day? He looks like he’s in such good shape too.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. At one point I thought Bogaerts moving to the top of the Red Sox order might be a possibility, but now that seems like it’s so crazy it’s coming from a guy wearing a burlap sack, muttering to himself as he crosses a street. At this point, I’ll take less than yawnstipating from Bogaerts.
Joe Kelly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I do like that he throws hard. Like Will Smith in Parents Just Don’t Understand, speed turns me on. For now, I’d leave Kelly as a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start.
Josh Hamilton – Should rejoin the Rangers next Monday. So far, he’s hitting .387 in nine games, so if you want to stash him, now is the time. Stash him, as in put him on your fantasy team’s bench. Not ‘stache him as in draw a mustache on your computer. Now you have to throw your ‘puter out. Nice job.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer since Saturday. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Phil Klein – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Mr. Klein also taught fourth period Science, filling in for Mr. Pete Kozma. Klein had a solid K-rate in the minors (13.8 in Triple-A, but never as a starter), and might catch some hitters by surprise. In AL-Only leagues, I’d look at him, but in AL-Only leagues, everyone is ownable.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-3 and his 11th steal, hitting .271. SAGNOF!
Shawn Tolleson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save and potentially the last time we’ll being singing, Feliz Completeanus. If you need saves, I’d grab Tolleson in all leagues. Now! Andele! No, that’s not the singer of Rolling in the Deep.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .314. After giving squat last year (like and not like Devin Mesoraco (0-for-4) this year), Phillips is back to not giving a ton of power or speed, but supplying a ton of runs and RBIs.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .342. I just had a vision of the funniest thing ever that’s not really funny but I’m feeling punchy –> Moustakas winning the AL batting title this year.
Greg Holland – Declared himself available on Wednesday. Save it for Tinder!