Charlie Morton aka Ground Chuck was playing “Hamburger Patty Cake” with the Mariners yesterday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 0 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.72, WHIP at 0.88. Ground Chuck said, “I’m A-1, try to ketchup.” Then he took a long pull off his Jamaican meat patty, and continued to speak in food allusions, “I’m topped by Monterey Jack, you’re whack.” Ground Chuck cracked his knuckles, “I make you so gay, you try to find Ground Chuck on Grindr.” Then, after a pause, “Gay, as in happy, but no judgments.” Finally, concluding, “If the Babe had a kid named Chris, then Ruth’s Chris still ain’t got shizz on Morton’s.” Charlie Morton sounds a bit cocky there, but he has every reason to be. In the preseason, I said, “A pitcher that goes through life as an also-ran to turn it around in his 30’s is rare. One other guy comes to mind, his name rhymes with Bitch Chill. Anyhoo, I’m buying into Morton’s transformation. How about a late-in-career transformation we call The Caitlyn Jenner? No? Okay.” And that’s me quoting me! One thing I did not understand at all was why there were so many skeptics on Morton this preseason. It was as if they ignored all of his previous season, and did not watch him in the playoffs. Ground Chuck is Salisbury Steak’ing his claim as a top five starter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?